Yes, i thought you would be proud of it. You are truly my inspiration. You have taught me a new way to think about poetry. Sandi
Poetry / Come Tour Castle Medulla Oblongata (Analysis)
Come Tour Castle Medulla oblongata
He says to her,
Step through the looking glass of my mind
Probe its nerve centers and you shall find
The enigma that is me, you seek
Is a game of hide and don’t peek
Come probe my cranial lands of seclusion
And paddle the muddy waters of my confusion
To a path where baby tree flourishes in a forest sublime
Near a castle of secrets on a steeped incline
Come walk through my neural path of self- destruction
Unfinished and under construction
But there is plenty here to view
Not every feature has gone askew
Come walk through my garden of prose
Where the seeds of cognition grow
But not every ovule doth sprout
Some are smothered by weeds of doubt
Come swim in my ocean of pain
And brave the restless currents of disdain
Many have drowned in my waters of curious tide
Never reaching the truthful sands of the other side
Then on to Castle Medulla oblongata
The dark corridor a gaping stomata
Turn to the left and you’ll find your quarters
I have given Dr. Pallium my orders
To fill your speculative prescription
Signed of course with my indecisive inscription
Notice yours is a room with a view
Decorated in roses just for you
See your portrait on oppicital chiffonier
It doesn’t favor you much at all, my dear
I fancied you more as a spirit
But your green eyes I do give some merit
For they have glimpsed underneath my darkened veil
My reflection wavers in your parietal well
But still you are lost in my tangled rhetoric
Come dear, Ill get you an anesthetic
Before we tour my inter-cranial cellar
The conditions they say are stellar
For vintage bottled resolutions
Sealed fermented conclusions
You may have a glass of wistful cider
Provided you can make it past the guarding spider
That spins her convoluted webbed synapse
Receptors of memory overload and collapse
Come tour my graveyard of memory
Many discarded relics of thought to see
Like the scattered bones of yesterdays trust
Picked clean by the buzzards of tomorrow and turned to dust
That’s your tomb over there by the babbling brook
I signed your name in the “loving memory” book
I will etch over your recollection with my amnesic pen
And erase every trail your introspective thoughts have ever been
For you are the worm in the apple of my seclusion
An unwanted reality in my optical illusion
Now off to my appointment with nurse Prozac, my carriage awaits
I mustn’t tarry with you any longer or I’ll be late
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ShadowHeadley reviewed Version 3 -
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Before I begin I must say to correct me if I have the piece misinterpreted. It appears that this is a poem about loving someone very much but at the same time being left without them in a good place in your mind, The use of the medula oblongata is a very intellectual way of getting this piece across and I do have a very high respect for that. The reference of that to the imagery of a castle couldn’t have been made any closer to any degree. I like how well the narrator conveys a sense of love/ disdain for the person being toured through such a place it shows inner turmoil over another human being… I wouldn’t fix anything about the piece it is absolutely powerful as is and takes a lot of intelligence and cognity to be able to comprehend.
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jadedpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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Hello Sandi,
Without saying you already know this is my style of writing so I felt right at home. Dazed would be proud. I did cheat and read many of the reviews, something I make a point of NOT doing, not wanting to bias my viewpoint. So, I went back and read it a few times, nullifying the others perspectives. Sure, a line here, a word there could be modified. You well know me enough by now i am against counting and subjective rhyming. I want you to do whatever the hell it is your beautiful heart and mind desire. I see some similarities in here that remind me of someone else, possibly giving you some cranial inspiration, which is cool. I loved the entire piece as you know I am not a nit-picker, just a simple poet. This was a clever trip thru one’s mind of mixed troubles, described in only a way you could pull off. An awesome and different piece from you, you my dear rock. me…
Spriglief reviewed Version 3 -
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I enjoyed this, not only for the craft, but the tour of the mind, all tied to the clever references to Alice in Wonderland. I also admired the biting social critic at the end. Our society has to be heavily medicated with prescription and recreational drugs to stay functional
This line was the only place I felt the rhythm faltered. It doesn’t favor you much at all, my dear” Great job.
chasscot reviewed Version 4 -
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Okay… this critique is meant to be helpful and not harsh. :)
First, the caveat – the pretentious patrons of prevaling poetry will proscribe the positing of poesy with pulsations at the posterior points to be paltry, prosaic, and plain.
I think they’re assholes. I say rhyme away! I once let a modern poet have at one of my poems and he minced it.
I will focus on the technical stuff;
Some of the lines break the cadence – they are too long and sort of stick out (it’s like hitting a speed bump in my head). Those modern poets referred to will enjoy the breaking up of the meter, but I don’t like them. Or lines that break up the meter. I’m a Frost man myself.
Some of these lines have words that can be excluded without disrupting the content of the line – such as “Come walk through my neural path of self-destruction” - (there is also a space after the hyphen here).
“Walk through my synapse of self-destruction”.
“Signed of course with my indecisive inscription”
No, that makes no sense (inscriptions are precise, although the meaning might be wishy-washy – but leave it, this is a poem not an op-ed piece). But try “Signed with my indecisive inscription.”
I think some of the long lines are fine if the line with the rhyming word uses the same meter. You may want to count each syllable line by line and make them match (2×2). If you really want to get ambitious, go through the entire poem and have repeating meters – like a daisy chain of manaical haiku. 5,7,11, 5,7, 11 or something like that. Of course you don’t have to, this is the modern era and the only thing that doesn’t fly anymore are poems written in traditional styles (even the haiku has been adulterated).
“trees grow in forest sublime” there seems to be a doublespace before forest. Also, “in a forest” or “in forests”?? Or go for the gusto and use “glade” or “glen” or to play off of sublime, “copse”.
“I will etch over” might be thought over. To etch something is to burn it with acid. You can etch over stuff, of course, but usually without a pen (yes, they do make etching pen, but they are against the spirit of etching, which uses wax and acid and a stylus). Not sure how to fix this – “I will write over”...
I would give it thought, but no big whoop if there is no better line here.
In the line on anesthetic, you need an apostrophe in “Ill”. ”I’ll”.
Beyond some of the minor issues I had with this piece, overall it is wonderful and has some really powerful lines. I would love to see it reworked with the power in lines like “For vintage bottled resolutions, sealed fermented conclusions” carried through-out.
Great job, it was a lot of fun to read.
DresdenCarter reviewed Version 3 -
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Dear God Sandi,
Where do you come up with these things? It is simply sublime. I enjoyed the trip inside the POV’s brain – It was fun and disturbing at the same time.
Question: “And erase every trail your introspective thoughts have ever been” – This line threw me off, because it didn’t match the internal rhyme and overall rhythmic scheme of the poem. Could explain what you were trying to say/do here?
“That’s your tomb over there by the babbling brook/
I signed your name in the “loving memory” book…” – This line moved me. I interpret this as there relationship is over. Is this right? Like he’s finally opening up to the female for the first time, maybe if he had done this before they wouldn’t have lost their friendship. Let me know if I’ve gotten this right.
Beautiful.
If this review is crap, demand your refund.
Stay cool. stay safe.
D.C
jameswalters reviewed Version 3 -
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Pretty good read. The only thing I caught was “To a path where baby tree flourishes in a forest sublime” I think you meant “a baby tree” or “baby trees.” Good work!
vampyre_girl13 reviewed Version 3 -
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wow, I like “my carriage awaits I mustn’t tarry with you any longer or I’ll be late”, i just really like it. no good at reviews, sorry!
karamarie reviewed Version 3 -
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Sandi, I love this poem! I felt as if I were with this girl as she was guided through this Castle of the mind. It was very amusing that you mentioned Alice in Wonderland in your notes. I could see the rabbit running off, with Alice always trying to follow and ask questions that were never quite answered. The ending was sad, but a powerful realization. The only suggestion I can propose would be to add to the end. I think it is very good as it is, but felt that this girl was left were? I suppose one can suppose that she is stuck in the graveyard, but I imagine her looking to the graveyard from the window. I imagine her in the Castle still, knowing her fate, seeing herself among the dead, but what is her reaction? Alice eventually stepped back through the glass, what does this girl do?
medicman65 reviewed Version 3 -
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Good heavens! What a poetic description! You’ve accomplished to make the structure of the brain far more interesting than any anatomy class I’ve taken! Your “tour” describes not only the physical – the Foramen Magnum and pia mater stand out particularly – but the mysterious cellars and rooms of the mind are visited in an apt dreamlike manner. Impressive!
“See your portrait on oppicital chiffonier” – Did you mean “occipital” (back of the head) or “optical”?
B_HDouglas reviewed Version 3 -
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This is enchanting to me. It holds the tone of a gothic romance all the way through, and is refreshing at that. The AB rhyme scheme is done well throughout, with too many beautiful images and ideas to site for fear of missing others I really liked as well! My only find was L3 and L4, beginning with “The enigma” may actually be trying to be too playful, but I would not want you to not say what you did, it is just the syntax is slightly off to me. Other than that, I was astounded at the level of rhyming employed, which flowed so well the poem just hopped right along.
Great Read, BHD.
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