Romance / Author's Notes- Chapter One
Author’s Notes
Chapter One
Genealogy: the piecing together the puzzle of ancestors. Or completely reinventing them, if necessary.
.
Kate Thornton felt her face turn as red as the wallet that wasn’t in her tote bag. Digging through the contents, she dumped her address book, two lipsticks, and a hair-brush on the counter, displacing the fried pork rinds and Copenhagen snuff. Her cell-phone chirped as she added it to the pile. “I’m so sorry. It’s got to be here somewhere.” She continued to burrow through the detritus in the bottom of the bag. “Blast, it has to be here. My wallet, I mean.”
The faded, shingle-sided convenience store just off Interstate 16 had a reputation for the best pulled-pork barbecue in Georgia. Kate never stopped without seeing a long line of locals as well as tourists, in route to the Georgia coast, waiting for the spicy pork sandwiches. Just standing there, Kate inhaled the sharp-sweet smell of the vinegar –based barbecue sauce.
The teenaged clerk behind the counter heaved a loud eye-rolling sigh and drummed his fingers on the chipped formica surface as he glared at her.
The customers behind Kate shuffled in line, clutching their own purchases.
The clerk looked past her to the next person, another teenager, this one in a Bone Pony concert t-shirt.
The young man grunted past Kate and put a six-pack of Coke on the counter. “Got ten dollars on pump three. Gimme two of them barbecues, and a pack of Marlboros.”
The clerk rang up the order, then looked at the youth, then the other customers. “No cigarettes without ID, Mac. Sixteen dollars and forty-five cents.”
The red-faced youth slid the money across the counter, gathered his food, then turned and pushed past the next customer.
That person, a narrow-faced woman, hair pulled back into a red scrunchy, looked over at Kate. “Didja find your money? How ‘bout some plastic?” Clearly a tourist, given her New Jersey accent.
Kate hadn’t been this embarrassed since the time her hem caught in the piano stool and she dragged it across the recital stage. “I’m sorry. My credit cards are in my wallet. But I must have some money here somewhere. Sorry.” She continued to sort through the different little pockets in her tote bag.
The New Jersey customer reached over Kate’s pile of purse filler to pay the clerk and then left the store. “Good luck, honey.”
Kate nodded, certain her face was redder than her hair. The cell-phone chirped again, and she grabbed it. “My mad money! My mad money!” She pulled a twenty-dollar bill from the side pocket of her phone-case and waved it in the direction of the clerk. “I found a twenty!”
He reached over the counter and snagged it. “Well, that covers your gas. That will be another $6.43 to cover the barbecues and the sweet tea.”
She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Yeah, the barbecue I already took a bite from. Blast. “Listen, if I call my cousin, can she give you her credit-card number on the phone?”
The clerk shook his head. “Nah, sorry. Can’t do that.”
Kate thrust her hands into her khaki pockets and shrugged. “Well, can I mail you the money? I mean, I already ate some of the sandwich. I’ll be at my parents’ house in two hours and--- hey.” Her fingers curled around a folded bill, tucked deep in the right-hand pocket. She pulled it out and unfolded a five. “Here. Now I owe a dollar and forty-three cents.”
“Here.” A tall man about her age pushed his way from the back of the line. He laid a dollar bill and two quarters on the counter. “Let me help.”
Kate felt her face burn even more. “I’m so sorry. I can’t take your money. It’s just that I lost my wallet and---“ Her gut tangled in knots, threatening to expel her barbecue. I can’t go through this again. I am out of that business. Period. Well, he doesn’t look like the kind of man to knee-cap a woman.
“I heard the story.” His smile removed any sting from his words, even though he talked with his teeth slightly gritted, like that Main Line attorney she had done research for. “Could happen to anyone. I don’t believe you’re running any kind of grift. ”
“Well, thank you. If you give me your name and address, I’ll send you the money.”
“Don’t worry about it. The postage would be more than money. Have a nice day.” He smiled, turned back to the counter, and slid money for his purchases to the clerk.
Kate took her sandwiches and tea and wandered out to the picnic tables under the oak trees in the parking lot. Occasional streaks of sunshine snuck through the dark cloud band to the west and reflected off of the small pond. A frothy spill of lavender wisteria tumbled over the rotted fence separating the highway from the pond. Kate loved the waterfall flow of the purple blossoms despite the stern words of her mama and Aunt Sister, co-presidents of the Oak Harbor Garden Club for the previous twenty years. Chinese wisteria is a non-native invasive species that needs to be destroyed not propagated. Where was her wallet? She jumped up and went to her rental car, ran her hand under the seat, between the console, behind the cushions. Nothing. Shoulders slumped, she returned to the table and finished her lunch.
“Mind if I join you?” Green eyes stared down from her rescuer, that nice smile still there.
Kate jerked from her reverie. “Oh, sure, please. I guess I never really introduced myself. Kate Thornton.” Why was he following her? Maybe he was just being nice. But Trax Bragg seemed nice, too. At first.
“Ash Hampton.” He shook her hand before opening the foil wrap to his barbecue sandwich. “These smelled so good, I had to follow your example and get one. So are you from around here?” His eyes closed as he savored the taste of the pulled pork. “Absolutely wonderful.”
Kate felt her shoulders relaxing. “ Oak Harbour. Small town about twenty miles from Savannah. Actually, I live in New Jersey, but most of my family is still in Oak Harbour. We’re visiting. I had some business over near Union Point. In fact, I bet that’s where I left my wallet. You?” Her phone chirped again. “Sorry.” She tucked that loose strand of hair behind her ear again and glanced at the phone display.
He looked down at the cell, a smile revealing even white teeth and a dimple in his left cheek. “Go ahead and answer it. Someone seems determined to reach you.”
“Probably just the family. I’m running a little bit later than planned. Had to stop and see a new client. Really sweet old man.” She mashed her code to the voicemail system and listened to the mechanical androgenous voice announce four messages.
First Message. 1:21pm. 912-369-7649 Ms Thornton, I have something important for you. And I need to talk to you. Kate recognized the voice of the elderly client she had left two hours before.
Second Message. 1:58pm. 315-266-4419 We’ve got a job. Civil War this time. Her cousin and business partner, Joanna.
Third Message 2:10pm. 201-555-0011 Hey Momser, what’s taking so long? We caught crabs for dinner. Her son, Alex.
Fourth Message. 2:15pm. 912-369-7649 Miss Thornton, we need to talk about this. It’s important that we talk. Kate recognized her client’s voice. Talk about what? Talk about what? The project. Oh, blast, he wants to cancel the project, and she didn’t get a signed contract or a retainer or anything. She needed that project. She needed the money the project would bring. Genealogists didn’t make a lot of money, and with the current economy, projects were few and far between. Please don’t cancel the contract!
“Excuse me just a minute more.” She gestured to Ash, then pushed redial.
The call went straight to voicemail. She pushed that strand of hair behind her ear again, counted to ten and pushed redial once more. Straight to voicemail.
Blast, he’s going to cancel the contract. She needed that contract, she was down to her last three hundred dollars in the bank.
“I’ve got to go!” Kate bolted from the table, dumped her trash in the receptacle and jumped into her car.
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Your writing is great. However, I feel a lot of stuff is ambiguous for the reader.
“Well, he doesn’t look like the kind of man to knee-cap a woman.”-What does this mean? I know its something that is indicating that he would get aggressive in demanding or holding strings over Kate’s head about the money. Make it more clear.
Great use of showing instead of telling the story. I must say. That is difficult for most new writers to do such as myself especially when trying to keep the story flowing. The romantic part is approaching however, there’s no evidence of it yet. The interaction with the man paying for Kate’s food purchase does not suggest any romantic things. It sounds as if he’s just being nice, and didn’t want her to feel embarrassed. This is a unique story or introduction. However, more is needed to fully understand Kate and what she’s about. I do see that she’s had bad luck with men when she refers to her rescuer as an ex-Trax Bragg. Great writing. Definitely publishing material. Also, I love how you make mention to the rescuer’s features in a positive manner. Give more and you’re well on your way!
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Good start, it’s hard to gauge just how romantic this will be from the first chapter but I would guess that Ash (interesting name, memorable, yet I’m not sure if I’m a big fan of Trax Bragg- kinda sounds like a douche name though that might be how his character is supposed to sound) will show up later on. Overall, I liked your writing style – confident, easy to read.
With that being said, there are small details that might give you room for improvement, though they’re simply my opinion. First of all, the use of the word “detritus” early on seems a bit too fancy (I hope that doesn’t make me sound like an idiot). It just seems like you could use a much simpler word instead of trying to give out a vocabulary lesson. There was also a line that Ash spoke that made me question his Georgia roots (if he’s supposed to be from that area) – “These smelled so good, I had to follow your example and get one.” I don’t think the word example seems as real for dialogue as maybe the word lead, but again that’s an opinion thing I guess. Besides that, there isn’t much else I can complain about involving word usage or grammar, I can tell that you spent a significant amount of time in the editing process which is greatly appreciated.
I think this seems like a very good opening chapter for a book; it left me with a good impression of the main character and she seems interesting thus far. Keep up the good work and good luck.
So far, so good. I enjoyed it pretty well, and I’m curious to see what will happen next. I’ve already come up with a few predictions, but I want to know if I’m correct! I’ll be reading some more soon!
I know we are supposed to make corrections on here, but this seemed like a pretty revised copy (gramatically). The only thing I would say is limit the use of the word ‘blast’ or ‘blast it’. I know that’s it’s a common expression, but it got to be a little bit too much for me.
And I’m curious to see how the geneology will fit into everything. Thanks!
~Maggie
To answer your question, yes it’s interesting enough to read on.
I like the beginning, it’s a clever first line but could maybe be slightly reworded so no one does a double take.
Red faced occurs more than once, as does “faced” so that could possibly be reduced and mixed up a bit.
The dialog flows okay, but at this point in the story you kind of wonder where everything is going. A longer excerpt is in order to get a view of your plot line.
This is good so I wouldn’t pay TOO much attention to the numerical scores. The problem here is as you suspected in your intro – nothing happens that defines what kind of story this is. We’re reading about a lady who runs some sort of business and lost her wallet. A mysterious stranger comes to her aid (romance) but we don’t know if the female lead is single, interested, married, what? If you hadn’t mentioned romance in the intro I wouldn’t know what kind of story it was.
I started writing fiction dreaming I could do general contemporary fiction and people would trust to find the adventure in the story as they kept reading. The only publishing I ever managed was with tiny independent presses; once I started pursuing the big time I learned I had to give my stories a genre (more or less.)
You write well. The romantic interest’s dialogue doesn’t sound like someone would ever talk that way, though, and his name made me do a spit-take. Trax Bragg? Seriously, that’s gotta be changed. For a minute I thought he might be a space alien and this was talking place on Venus.
You write well, and in a perfect world people would keep reading for that reason alone. However, nothing here happens that would make me want to keep reading. I think you need to find a new beginning for your story – if it’s already done, I suggest the middle. Or maybe start the book at the end and then flash back through the details that led to it, like any of Chuck Pahlaniuk’s books (and many other writers.)
Keep writing
the piecing together the puzzle of ancestors- was this from a dictionary? It sounds funky, no offense, maybe say: Piecing together the puzzle of your ancestors
Very well written, didn’t leave me asking too much but still left my imagination wondering! I want to know what happens next. The dialogue flows smoothly and it feels like you are right there, I like that. The only thing I do want to know is how old is she? She has a son. Is he a little kid? A teenager? Leave me wondering if she is younger or older. RIght now I am picturing late 40’s?
I like the natural way your characters talk and behave… “The young man grunted past Kate and put a six-pack of Coke on the counter. “Got ten dollars on pump three. Gimme two of them barbecues, and a pack of Marlboros.”and”“Don’t worry about it. The postage would be more than money. Have a nice day.” He smiled, turned back to the counter, and slid money for his purchases to the clerk.” There is a very likable quality to Kate fumbling and bumbling in her purse for her money. One thing I have to say is…don’t like that she mentions her last name when she introduces herself. That is not a normal thing to do in conversation when you are with a stranger. Also I think the names of the characters are sort of soap opera-ish. It is such a relatable and down to earth beginning I was wishing they all had more relatable names. Other than that, it was a fun read.
Good writing, but not much of a romantic spark at the beginning. Not that someone has to be immediately swept off their feet, but the two characters didn’t really show that much interest in each other. Not a bad start to the story, though. I would like to read more when you write it.
This is one of the better short stories I’ve read since I joined this site. Beleivable, well-formed characters and interesting scenario. I only rated 5 on the ‘publishable’ criterion because its hard to determine that without the rest of it.
Kate felt her face burn even more. “I’m so sorry. I can’t take your money. It’s just that I lost my wallet and—-“ Her gut tangled in knots, threatening to expel her barbecue. I can’t go through this again. I am out of that business. Period. Well, he doesn’t look like the kind of man to knee-cap a woman.
“I heard the story.” His smile removed any sting from his words, even though he talked with his teeth slightly gritted, like that Main Line attorney she had done research for. “Could happen to anyone. I don’t believe you’re running any kind of grift. ”
I like this line and the reality of the story and the sense of reality your trying to maneifest.Also the girl’s desperation that the client does’nt cancell the contract and the sense that shes only down to 300 bucks in the bank, I bet some of us can relate when a stranger helped us out.And I like hoe kate thinks when he lends her the money, anyone would be embarassed, so far so good love the story.I wonder if the guy who lended her the cash is going to go out with her.
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