Romance / Author's Notes- Chapter One

Author’s Notes
Chapter One


Genealogy: the piecing together the puzzle of ancestors. Or completely reinventing them, if necessary.
    .
     Kate Thornton felt her face turn as red as the wallet that wasn’t in her tote bag. Digging through the contents, she dumped her address book, two lipsticks, and a hair-brush on the counter, displacing the fried pork rinds and Copenhagen snuff.  Her cell-phone chirped as she added it to the pile. “I’m so sorry. It’s got to be here somewhere.” She continued to burrow through the detritus in the bottom of the bag. “Blast, it has to be here. My wallet, I mean.”


      The faded, shingle-sided convenience store just off Interstate 16 had a reputation for the best pulled-pork barbecue in Georgia. Kate never stopped without seeing a long line of locals as well as tourists, in route to the Georgia coast, waiting for the spicy pork sandwiches. Just standing there, Kate inhaled the sharp-sweet smell of the vinegar –based barbecue sauce.


     The teenaged clerk behind the counter heaved a loud eye-rolling sigh and drummed his fingers on the chipped formica surface as he glared at her. 

  
    The customers behind Kate shuffled in line, clutching their own purchases.


     The clerk looked past her to the next person, another teenager, this one in a Bone Pony concert t-shirt.


     The young man grunted past Kate and put a six-pack of Coke on the counter. “Got ten dollars on pump three.  Gimme two of them barbecues, and a pack of Marlboros.”


     The clerk rang up the order, then looked at the youth, then the other customers. “No cigarettes without ID, Mac. Sixteen dollars and forty-five cents.”
The red-faced youth slid the money across the counter, gathered his food, then turned and pushed past the next customer.

     That person, a narrow-faced woman, hair pulled back into a red scrunchy, looked over at Kate. “Didja find your money? How ‘bout some plastic?” Clearly a tourist, given her New Jersey accent.


     Kate hadn’t been this embarrassed since the time her hem caught in the piano stool and she dragged it across the recital stage. “I’m sorry. My credit cards are in my wallet. But I must have some money here somewhere. Sorry.” She continued to sort through the different little pockets in her tote bag.


     The New Jersey customer reached over Kate’s pile of purse filler to pay the clerk and then left the store. “Good luck, honey.”


     Kate nodded, certain her face was redder than her hair. The cell-phone chirped again, and she grabbed it. “My mad money! My mad money!” She pulled a twenty-dollar bill from the side pocket of her phone-case and waved it in the direction of the clerk. “I found a twenty!”


     He reached over the counter and snagged it. “Well, that covers your gas. That will be another $6.43 to cover the barbecues and the sweet tea.”


     She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Yeah, the barbecue I already took a bite from. Blast. “Listen, if I call my cousin, can she give you her credit-card number on the phone?”


     The clerk shook his head. “Nah, sorry. Can’t do that.”


     Kate thrust her hands into her khaki pockets and shrugged. “Well, can I mail you the money? I mean, I already ate some of the sandwich. I’ll be at my parents’ house in two hours and--- hey.” Her fingers curled around a folded bill, tucked deep in the right-hand pocket. She pulled it out and unfolded a five. “Here. Now I owe a dollar and forty-three cents.”


     “Here.” A tall man about her age pushed his way from the back of the line. He laid a dollar bill and two quarters on the counter. “Let me help.”


     Kate felt her face burn even more. “I’m so sorry. I can’t take your money. It’s just that I lost my wallet and---“  Her gut tangled in knots, threatening to expel her barbecue. I can’t go through this again. I am out of that business. Period. Well, he doesn’t look like the kind of man to knee-cap a woman.


     “I heard the story.” His smile removed any sting from his words, even though he talked with his teeth slightly gritted, like that Main Line attorney she had done research for. “Could happen to anyone. I don’t believe you’re running any kind of grift. ”


     “Well, thank you. If you give me your name and address, I’ll send you the money.”


     “Don’t worry about it. The postage would be more than money. Have a nice day.” He smiled, turned back to the counter, and slid money for his purchases to the clerk.


     Kate took her sandwiches and tea and wandered out to the picnic tables under the oak trees in the parking lot. Occasional streaks of sunshine snuck through the dark cloud band to the west and reflected off of the small pond. A frothy spill of lavender wisteria tumbled over the rotted fence separating the highway from the pond.  Kate loved the waterfall flow of the purple blossoms despite the stern words of her mama and Aunt Sister, co-presidents of the Oak Harbor Garden Club for the previous twenty years. Chinese wisteria is a non-native invasive species that needs to be destroyed not propagated.  Where was her wallet?  She jumped up and went to her rental car, ran her hand under the seat, between the console, behind the cushions. Nothing. Shoulders slumped, she returned to the table and finished her lunch.


     “Mind if I join you?” Green eyes stared down from her rescuer, that nice smile still there.


     Kate jerked from her reverie. “Oh, sure, please. I guess I never really introduced myself. Kate Thornton.” Why was he following her? Maybe he was just being nice. But Trax Bragg seemed nice, too. At first.


     “Ash Hampton.” He shook her hand before  opening  the foil wrap to his barbecue sandwich. “These smelled so good, I had to follow your example and get one. So are you from around here?” His eyes closed as he savored the taste of the pulled pork. “Absolutely wonderful.”


     Kate felt her shoulders relaxing. “ Oak Harbour. Small town about twenty miles from Savannah. Actually, I live in New Jersey, but most of my family is still in Oak Harbour. We’re visiting. I had some business over near Union Point.  In fact, I bet that’s where I left my wallet. You?” Her phone chirped again. “Sorry.” She tucked that loose strand of hair behind her ear again and glanced at the phone display.


     He looked down at the cell, a smile revealing even white teeth and a dimple in his left cheek. “Go ahead and answer it. Someone seems determined to reach you.”


     “Probably just the family. I’m running a little bit later than planned. Had to stop and see a new client. Really sweet old man.”  She mashed her code to the voicemail system and listened to the mechanical androgenous voice announce four messages.


     First Message. 1:21pm. 912-369-7649 Ms Thornton, I have something important for you. And I need to talk to you.  Kate recognized the voice of the elderly client she had left two hours before.


Second Message. 1:58pm. 315-266-4419  We’ve got a job.  Civil War this time. Her cousin and business partner, Joanna.


Third Message 2:10pm. 201-555-0011 Hey Momser, what’s taking so long? We caught crabs for dinner. Her son, Alex.


Fourth Message. 2:15pm. 912-369-7649 Miss Thornton, we need to talk about this. It’s important that we talk. Kate recognized her client’s voice. Talk about what? Talk about what?  The project. Oh, blast, he wants to cancel the project, and she didn’t get a signed contract or a retainer or anything.  She needed that project. She needed the money the project would bring. Genealogists didn’t make a lot of money, and with the current economy, projects were few and far between. Please don’t cancel the contract!


     “Excuse me just a minute more.” She gestured to Ash, then pushed redial.
The call went straight to voicemail. She pushed that strand of hair behind her ear again, counted to ten and pushed redial once more. Straight to voicemail.
 Blast, he’s going to cancel the contract. She needed that contract, she was down to her last three hundred dollars in the bank.


     “I’ve got to go!” Kate bolted from the table, dumped her trash in the receptacle and jumped into her car.

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msstma avatar General Stranger

July 05, 2009

msstma

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
msstma reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

A very nice start!

i liked the characters. i liked how you wove her description into the story. (her hair was as red as the wallet) and how you gave a lot of background about her and a hint of what was to come thru her listening to her messages.

You are very articulate and you gave the reader A LOT of info in just the few paragraphs you wrote.

Some of your sentences could be a little more smoother.

I suggest:  Don’t mention the city she’s from 2 times, say ’...family is still there.’

“We’re visiting.” Who’s we?
Took me a moment to realize the story her savoir had heard was the fact he had witnessed her exchange with the clerk. i thought he was referring to he read about her in a newspaper or something. maybe say ‘i couldn’t help but see your dilemma” or “i saw what happened, and i was once in the same situation.” u get the idea.

you wrote a lot that will make people want to read more. good luck!

wisedec4u avatar General Stranger

July 02, 2009

wisedec4u

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The beginning shows definite promise.  I like how you started out the story with a situation that most people can relate to.  This allows the reader to empathize and connect with your character, Kate.  However, there are some things that didn’t work for me.  1. How you described the clerk’s reaction.  First you said he heaved a rolling eye sigh which indicates that he is somewhat annoyed, but in a disinterested manner.  Then you said he glared at her.  That would indicate that he’s angry with her.  I can imagine that the clerk is bored and even a little irritated, but not angry in this situation unless there was an argument ensuing.  2.  What’s up with your obsession with the color red?  Red wallet, red faces, red scrunchy, even redder faces, and red hair.  Please pick a different color or choose a different word so it doesn’t sound so repetitious.  3. Kate’s openness seems unrealistic.  You already showed us that Kate is cautious of strangers, in particularly men who try to help her, because of a past relationship.  Why in the world would she give this stranger so much information about herself when she only met him 5 minutes ago?  Think about Kate’s background and the reason why she is so mistrustful of men.  Wouldn’t it stand to reason that she would be more guarded in this situation?  Not only would it add an ounce of mystery to Kate, but make her possible love interest and your reader more intrigued with her character.  As for your questions on whether I like this character and does it make me want to read more, I will give you an honest answer.  Yes, I like your character Kate and I am somewhat intrigued by the stranger, but as I stated before there are some flaws that you need to work out.  I’m not saying that you’re beginning is bad, but it doesn’t exactly sound like a page turner as it’s currently written.  I think with a little more work it can definitely become one.  Good luck!

gemglitter avatar General Stranger

June 30, 2009

gemglitter

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
gemglitter reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Comments: This piece has an ease about it that really surprised me! For instance the way your dialogue flows and remains in the moment was amazing. I loved how you moved the scene while she was trying to find the money at the counter! I felt for her! I’m sure everyone else has had that happen to them, though I doubt a handsome man has saved them.  I also really liked the internal thoughts, really adds to her character. The voice mails were really a nice touch too, I loved the momser.

Suggestions: My only suggestion I can give you is that you keep repeating she is embarrassed. It got to the point that I wanted to say, yes I get it lets move on. I would take some parts out of the embarrassed parts.

To your questions, I love the story so far, and I would definitely keep on reading!  

martykate avatar General Stranger

July 01, 2009

martykate

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
martykate reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The beginning line of your story is a litte confusing and doesn’t seem to fit.

I like the image you create of the lost wallet, Kate’s embarrassment as she tries to find it and come up with money.  I was frustrated with all the characters  because they refused to help her out.

You’re hinting at a backstory for Kate which I wish you’d develope a bit more.  I get the feeling that something critical is going on, but you’ve not hinted at enough.

Liked the stranger who rescued Kate from her situation.   How will he find her again if she takes off so abruptly?  I assume he is important to the story.

No hint so far that this is a romance—it seems more like a mystery.  Will you give us more?

Oh, and you are using commas where they aren’t needed.  Check a grammar guide on line to help, or pick up a book

This could have possibilities

Trina avatar General Stranger

July 21, 2009

Trina Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Trina reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I like the natural way your characters talk and behave… “The young man grunted past Kate and put a six-pack of Coke on the counter. “Got ten dollars on pump three.  Gimme two of them barbecues, and a pack of Marlboros.”and”“Don’t worry about it. The postage would be more than money. Have a nice day.” He smiled, turned back to the counter, and slid money for his purchases to the clerk.”  There is a very likable quality to Kate fumbling and bumbling in her purse for her money.  One thing I have to say is…don’t like that she mentions her last name when she introduces herself.  That is not a normal thing to do in conversation when you are with a stranger.  Also I think the names of the characters are sort of soap opera-ish.  It is such a relatable and down to earth beginning I was wishing they all had more relatable names.  Other than that, it was a fun read.

Hoffmane21 avatar General Stranger

July 28, 2009

Hoffmane21

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

the piecing together the puzzle of ancestors- was this from a dictionary? It sounds funky, no offense, maybe say: Piecing together the puzzle of your ancestors

Very well written, didn’t leave me asking too much but still left my imagination wondering! I want to know what happens next. The dialogue flows smoothly and it feels like you are right there, I like that. The only thing I do want to know is how old is she? She has a son. Is he a little kid? A teenager? Leave me wondering if she is younger or older. RIght now I am picturing late 40’s?

KidTruth avatar General Stranger

August 02, 2009

KidTruth

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
KidTruth reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

This is good so I wouldn’t pay TOO much attention to the numerical scores.  The problem here is as you suspected in your intro – nothing happens that defines what kind of story this is.  We’re reading about a lady who runs some sort of business and lost her wallet.  A mysterious stranger comes to her aid (romance) but we don’t know if the female lead is single, interested, married, what?  If you hadn’t mentioned romance in the intro I wouldn’t know what kind of story it was.  

I started writing fiction dreaming I could do general contemporary fiction and people would trust to find the adventure in the story as they kept reading.  The only publishing I ever managed was with tiny independent presses; once I started pursuing the big time I learned I had to give my stories a genre (more or less.)  

You write well.  The romantic interest’s dialogue doesn’t sound like someone would ever talk that way, though, and his name made me do a spit-take.  Trax Bragg?  Seriously, that’s gotta be changed.  For a minute I thought he might be a space alien and this was talking place on Venus.  

You write well, and in a perfect world people would keep reading for that reason alone.  However, nothing here happens that would make me want to keep reading.  I think you need to find a new beginning for your story – if it’s already done, I suggest the middle.  Or maybe start the book at the end and then flash back through the details that led to it, like any of Chuck Pahlaniuk’s books (and many other writers.)

Keep writing

yoshi_writes avatar General Stranger

July 14, 2009

yoshi_writes

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
yoshi_writes reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Kate felt her face burn even more. “I’m so sorry. I can’t take your money. It’s just that I lost my wallet and—-“  Her gut tangled in knots, threatening to expel her barbecue. I can’t go through this again. I am out of that business. Period. Well, he doesn’t look like the kind of man to knee-cap a woman.

     “I heard the story.” His smile removed any sting from his words, even though he talked with his teeth slightly gritted, like that Main Line attorney she had done research for. “Could happen to anyone. I don’t believe you’re running any kind of grift. ”

I like this line and the reality of the story and the sense of reality your trying to maneifest.Also the girl’s desperation that the client does’nt cancell the contract and the sense that shes only down to 300 bucks in the bank, I bet some of us can relate when a stranger helped us out.And I like hoe kate thinks when he lends her the money, anyone would be embarassed, so far so good love the story.I wonder if the guy who lended her the cash is going to go out with her.

TravisMaximus avatar General Stranger

July 14, 2009

TravisMaximus

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
TravisMaximus reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

This is one of the better short stories I’ve read since I joined this site. Beleivable, well-formed characters and interesting scenario. I only rated 5 on the ‘publishable’ criterion because its hard to determine that without the rest of it.

Storie_Tellar avatar General Stranger

July 13, 2009

Storie_Tellar Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Storie_Tellar reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The writing in good, I have no complaints about that. The first scene, her searching through her wallet, had good details. I was able to picture exactly what was happening.

Where is she? I kind of got an idea from a little bit of the description. At first I thought she was at a rest stop, but she’s at a park? Next to a gas station? Its unclear.

Also, I get the idea that you’re trying to give a little back story when she walking out of the little store after the man pays the rest of her tab. However, its a little confusing. It reads as if you’d written more earlier and I just picked up in the middle (hope that makes sense). I feel like I’m missing something.

As far as reading more, I’m not sure if I would bc you gave me no incentive to. I don’t know the point of the story so far or where its going. I would suggest adding a little more to this just to give an idea of what the rest is going to be about. Maybe leave off with a cliff hanger or something.

Hope this helps.

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paigemc

Age: 55
Loc: Athens, GA
Gen: F
Last Login: November 17
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