Romance / Author's Notes- Chapter One

Author’s Notes
Chapter One


Genealogy: the piecing together the puzzle of ancestors. Or completely reinventing them, if necessary.
    .
     Kate Thornton felt her face turn as red as the wallet that wasn’t in her tote bag. Digging through the contents, she dumped her address book, two lipsticks, and a hair-brush on the counter, displacing the fried pork rinds and Copenhagen snuff.  Her cell-phone chirped as she added it to the pile. “I’m so sorry. It’s got to be here somewhere.” She continued to burrow through the detritus in the bottom of the bag. “Blast, it has to be here. My wallet, I mean.”


      The faded, shingle-sided convenience store just off Interstate 16 had a reputation for the best pulled-pork barbecue in Georgia. Kate never stopped without seeing a long line of locals as well as tourists, in route to the Georgia coast, waiting for the spicy pork sandwiches. Just standing there, Kate inhaled the sharp-sweet smell of the vinegar –based barbecue sauce.


     The teenaged clerk behind the counter heaved a loud eye-rolling sigh and drummed his fingers on the chipped formica surface as he glared at her. 

  
    The customers behind Kate shuffled in line, clutching their own purchases.


     The clerk looked past her to the next person, another teenager, this one in a Bone Pony concert t-shirt.


     The young man grunted past Kate and put a six-pack of Coke on the counter. “Got ten dollars on pump three.  Gimme two of them barbecues, and a pack of Marlboros.”


     The clerk rang up the order, then looked at the youth, then the other customers. “No cigarettes without ID, Mac. Sixteen dollars and forty-five cents.”
The red-faced youth slid the money across the counter, gathered his food, then turned and pushed past the next customer.

     That person, a narrow-faced woman, hair pulled back into a red scrunchy, looked over at Kate. “Didja find your money? How ‘bout some plastic?” Clearly a tourist, given her New Jersey accent.


     Kate hadn’t been this embarrassed since the time her hem caught in the piano stool and she dragged it across the recital stage. “I’m sorry. My credit cards are in my wallet. But I must have some money here somewhere. Sorry.” She continued to sort through the different little pockets in her tote bag.


     The New Jersey customer reached over Kate’s pile of purse filler to pay the clerk and then left the store. “Good luck, honey.”


     Kate nodded, certain her face was redder than her hair. The cell-phone chirped again, and she grabbed it. “My mad money! My mad money!” She pulled a twenty-dollar bill from the side pocket of her phone-case and waved it in the direction of the clerk. “I found a twenty!”


     He reached over the counter and snagged it. “Well, that covers your gas. That will be another $6.43 to cover the barbecues and the sweet tea.”


     She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Yeah, the barbecue I already took a bite from. Blast. “Listen, if I call my cousin, can she give you her credit-card number on the phone?”


     The clerk shook his head. “Nah, sorry. Can’t do that.”


     Kate thrust her hands into her khaki pockets and shrugged. “Well, can I mail you the money? I mean, I already ate some of the sandwich. I’ll be at my parents’ house in two hours and--- hey.” Her fingers curled around a folded bill, tucked deep in the right-hand pocket. She pulled it out and unfolded a five. “Here. Now I owe a dollar and forty-three cents.”


     “Here.” A tall man about her age pushed his way from the back of the line. He laid a dollar bill and two quarters on the counter. “Let me help.”


     Kate felt her face burn even more. “I’m so sorry. I can’t take your money. It’s just that I lost my wallet and---“  Her gut tangled in knots, threatening to expel her barbecue. I can’t go through this again. I am out of that business. Period. Well, he doesn’t look like the kind of man to knee-cap a woman.


     “I heard the story.” His smile removed any sting from his words, even though he talked with his teeth slightly gritted, like that Main Line attorney she had done research for. “Could happen to anyone. I don’t believe you’re running any kind of grift. ”


     “Well, thank you. If you give me your name and address, I’ll send you the money.”


     “Don’t worry about it. The postage would be more than money. Have a nice day.” He smiled, turned back to the counter, and slid money for his purchases to the clerk.


     Kate took her sandwiches and tea and wandered out to the picnic tables under the oak trees in the parking lot. Occasional streaks of sunshine snuck through the dark cloud band to the west and reflected off of the small pond. A frothy spill of lavender wisteria tumbled over the rotted fence separating the highway from the pond.  Kate loved the waterfall flow of the purple blossoms despite the stern words of her mama and Aunt Sister, co-presidents of the Oak Harbor Garden Club for the previous twenty years. Chinese wisteria is a non-native invasive species that needs to be destroyed not propagated.  Where was her wallet?  She jumped up and went to her rental car, ran her hand under the seat, between the console, behind the cushions. Nothing. Shoulders slumped, she returned to the table and finished her lunch.


     “Mind if I join you?” Green eyes stared down from her rescuer, that nice smile still there.


     Kate jerked from her reverie. “Oh, sure, please. I guess I never really introduced myself. Kate Thornton.” Why was he following her? Maybe he was just being nice. But Trax Bragg seemed nice, too. At first.


     “Ash Hampton.” He shook her hand before  opening  the foil wrap to his barbecue sandwich. “These smelled so good, I had to follow your example and get one. So are you from around here?” His eyes closed as he savored the taste of the pulled pork. “Absolutely wonderful.”


     Kate felt her shoulders relaxing. “ Oak Harbour. Small town about twenty miles from Savannah. Actually, I live in New Jersey, but most of my family is still in Oak Harbour. We’re visiting. I had some business over near Union Point.  In fact, I bet that’s where I left my wallet. You?” Her phone chirped again. “Sorry.” She tucked that loose strand of hair behind her ear again and glanced at the phone display.


     He looked down at the cell, a smile revealing even white teeth and a dimple in his left cheek. “Go ahead and answer it. Someone seems determined to reach you.”


     “Probably just the family. I’m running a little bit later than planned. Had to stop and see a new client. Really sweet old man.”  She mashed her code to the voicemail system and listened to the mechanical androgenous voice announce four messages.


     First Message. 1:21pm. 912-369-7649 Ms Thornton, I have something important for you. And I need to talk to you.  Kate recognized the voice of the elderly client she had left two hours before.


Second Message. 1:58pm. 315-266-4419  We’ve got a job.  Civil War this time. Her cousin and business partner, Joanna.


Third Message 2:10pm. 201-555-0011 Hey Momser, what’s taking so long? We caught crabs for dinner. Her son, Alex.


Fourth Message. 2:15pm. 912-369-7649 Miss Thornton, we need to talk about this. It’s important that we talk. Kate recognized her client’s voice. Talk about what? Talk about what?  The project. Oh, blast, he wants to cancel the project, and she didn’t get a signed contract or a retainer or anything.  She needed that project. She needed the money the project would bring. Genealogists didn’t make a lot of money, and with the current economy, projects were few and far between. Please don’t cancel the contract!


     “Excuse me just a minute more.” She gestured to Ash, then pushed redial.
The call went straight to voicemail. She pushed that strand of hair behind her ear again, counted to ten and pushed redial once more. Straight to voicemail.
 Blast, he’s going to cancel the contract. She needed that contract, she was down to her last three hundred dollars in the bank.


     “I’ve got to go!” Kate bolted from the table, dumped her trash in the receptacle and jumped into her car.

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MacCrasik avatar General Stranger

July 06, 2009

MacCrasik

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
MacCrasik reviewed Version 1 - Read 80% of the Item

Hi :)

first line:  either strike “the,” or put “of” between piecing and together.

Great opener.

Hard visual in second sentence.  ”digging… she dumped…”  I keep thinking “which is it?”  Pick or rephrase to make the picture clearer?

“in route” = “EN route”

“just standing there…” made me reread.  She’s not actually – she’s desperately seeking her wallet.  Does this sentence have significance to the whole?  Is she distracted by the smell and stops looking for a moment or something?  It seems overkill on how good the pork is unless it’s really important later.

“The clerk…then…then…”  This is a little choppy.  Something like “The clerk rang up the order, regarded the youth suspiciously, and glanced at the waiting customers.”  just a suggestion.  Great scenario, btw.  I chuckled.

I like how you sneak in those little tidbits of info.  More in comments if you like.

We get a lot about how embarassed she is.  (Lots of red throughout – is there some symbolism I’m missing?)  How about some triumph when she finds the fiver?

watch repetition of “Here…” in dialogue.  Give them each their own style.

Kind of lost me at “I can’t go through this again.”  A little suspense is good – I don’t need all the gory details – but it’s too vague to make me care, and as the reader, I should care about her.  What is “this?”  the embarassment, throwing up, borrowing money…?  it could be so many things at this point.  I think this is meant to garner more sympathy for her, but it needs to be fleshed out.  This is a great opportunity to throw me a bone and draw me into the mystery part.  As is, this reference is easily dismissed.

“The postage…money.”  There might be a word missing in this sentence.  Also, I’m confused as to how a check for a dollar fifty would cost more than a dollar fifty to mail?

“We’re visiting.”  Who’s “we”?

an observation; she opens up quite a bit to the stranger.  Might just be one of those chatty women that are very trusting.  How is she feeling about him?  butterflies? weak-kneed? mouth watering, and not over the bbq?

phone messages.  you mention the elderly client in #1, then in #4 you say “her client’s” as if she only has one.  Are these the same person?

I have more, but will wait, knowing this is a first chapter.  Can pursue in comments if you like.

Kate’s character is fairly solid; I get harried, forgetful, mid-aged, single mom of teenaged boy, trying to make a genealogical research business work in today’s economy.

The other’s are still hazy, but it’s early.  Ash seems like a nice guy so far; we didn’t really get much of him, not even a clear visual?  Is he the hero lover?  I’d like a description please, so I can start drooling right away.  Same with Kate.  ok, she has red hair.  Of course, she’s youthfully slim and gorgeous, but you haven’t told us that in any way, and the reader is forced to make up their own picture of her, which could throw us off later if you do provide a description that doesn’t match ours.  You wrote the clerk very well.

I might keep reading.  I’d need a little something more at the end of the chapter to make me turn the page.  If I could, I might flip a few pages forward to see when the suspense and romance start :) and that would determine if I stuck with it or not.

As far as your development, however, I am definately going to stay tuned and check in often for updates.

Treatsa avatar General Stranger

July 03, 2009

Treatsa Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Treatsa reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I like the name Kate Thornton.  It’s a perfect name for a romance.  I also like the opening.  Something that most women can relate to.  I’m also craving pulled-pork sandwiches.  Good stuff.

I don’t much care for this sentence, “Clearly a tourist, ... accent.”  You can hear the accent in the dialogue and the tag is very telling.  How about, “she gum-smacked in her sharp New Jersey accent.”  We’ll get the tourist part.

“different little pockets” – cut different.  it’s implied.

“Occasional streaks of sunshine” – I’m not digging ‘occasional’ here.  Temperamental?

“waterfall flow” – cut flow.

“Green eyes stared” – I would re-word this.  If you are aiming to introduce Ash as the male protagonist to your romance start romanticizing him here.  Think, “Emerald pools sparkled” or something along those lines.  And the nice smell.  Too bland.  I want to know the smell.  Is it something sweet like jasmine or sexy like sandlewood?  Be descriptive when it comes to the senses.

I do like how you sprinkle information throughout instead of a massive info-drop.  The reader gets to know her in easily digestible bits.  

I would like to see more romance style descriptions for Kate.  When you mention her khaki pockets it is the perfect opportunity to mention something like how snug they were on her hips.  Little things like that.

Not a bad introduction.  Tweak it a little for your target market and you’ll have us all wondering if he gets the girl.

More in comments if you ask.

martykate avatar General Stranger

July 01, 2009

martykate

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
martykate reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The beginning line of your story is a litte confusing and doesn’t seem to fit.

I like the image you create of the lost wallet, Kate’s embarrassment as she tries to find it and come up with money.  I was frustrated with all the characters  because they refused to help her out.

You’re hinting at a backstory for Kate which I wish you’d develope a bit more.  I get the feeling that something critical is going on, but you’ve not hinted at enough.

Liked the stranger who rescued Kate from her situation.   How will he find her again if she takes off so abruptly?  I assume he is important to the story.

No hint so far that this is a romance—it seems more like a mystery.  Will you give us more?

Oh, and you are using commas where they aren’t needed.  Check a grammar guide on line to help, or pick up a book

This could have possibilities

Sheisnotyou03 avatar General Stranger

June 30, 2009

Sheisnotyou03

REVIEW QUALITY: 50.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
Sheisnotyou03 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I really enjoyed reading your story. Kate’s past history is very intriguing and I would like to know more. Tell us more about Kate and who she is.

I didnt understand the phrase “my mad money”, “my mad money” is that a Georgia thing? Perhaps you should clarify what that phrase means.

How does Kate’s rescurer know that people have been trying to reach her , could he hear the phone from where he was standing?

So far you have a very intersting plot line, and I definitely want to see what you write next.

wisedec4u avatar General Stranger

July 02, 2009

wisedec4u

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The beginning shows definite promise.  I like how you started out the story with a situation that most people can relate to.  This allows the reader to empathize and connect with your character, Kate.  However, there are some things that didn’t work for me.  1. How you described the clerk’s reaction.  First you said he heaved a rolling eye sigh which indicates that he is somewhat annoyed, but in a disinterested manner.  Then you said he glared at her.  That would indicate that he’s angry with her.  I can imagine that the clerk is bored and even a little irritated, but not angry in this situation unless there was an argument ensuing.  2.  What’s up with your obsession with the color red?  Red wallet, red faces, red scrunchy, even redder faces, and red hair.  Please pick a different color or choose a different word so it doesn’t sound so repetitious.  3. Kate’s openness seems unrealistic.  You already showed us that Kate is cautious of strangers, in particularly men who try to help her, because of a past relationship.  Why in the world would she give this stranger so much information about herself when she only met him 5 minutes ago?  Think about Kate’s background and the reason why she is so mistrustful of men.  Wouldn’t it stand to reason that she would be more guarded in this situation?  Not only would it add an ounce of mystery to Kate, but make her possible love interest and your reader more intrigued with her character.  As for your questions on whether I like this character and does it make me want to read more, I will give you an honest answer.  Yes, I like your character Kate and I am somewhat intrigued by the stranger, but as I stated before there are some flaws that you need to work out.  I’m not saying that you’re beginning is bad, but it doesn’t exactly sound like a page turner as it’s currently written.  I think with a little more work it can definitely become one.  Good luck!

oknapp avatar General Stranger

July 03, 2009

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

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oknapp reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I was interested in this story. However i had a little trouble with the character of Kate. Cophenhagen snuff? can you expound on this? Why would this smart geneaologist dip snuff. I need to know. At the begining, the reader gets the sense that Kate might be elderly. It is only near the end that one realizes that she is young. I need for you to draw Kate out more. Give the reader a more sense of her age and how she looks. You use words like ” the young man” the teenager” this makes the reader think Kate is older than both. You could just tell her age and give a little more description of her clothes, car. etc.
You allude to Kate being a prostitute. You will have to give the reader more, i am sure you know this. This is a good start and i would like to reserve judgment until i see more. I cannot review what is not here. I would be very interested to see what you do with this. Perhaps there is a budding romance here eh? Good luck, Sandi

DLCW avatar General Friend

July 04, 2009

DLCW

REVIEW QUALITY: 50.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
DLCW reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I want more give me more! I would definitly keep reading I want to right now! Kate is a wonderful character as is Ash. I love the images of her going through the bag looking for her stuff and finding the hidden money while the people behind her are waiting. I would buy this book if it started like this. I hope to read the next chapter. Thank you for giving me the chance to read this great piece I don’t see a thing I would change at all. :)

Hoffmane21 avatar General Stranger

July 28, 2009

Hoffmane21

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
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the piecing together the puzzle of ancestors- was this from a dictionary? It sounds funky, no offense, maybe say: Piecing together the puzzle of your ancestors

Very well written, didn’t leave me asking too much but still left my imagination wondering! I want to know what happens next. The dialogue flows smoothly and it feels like you are right there, I like that. The only thing I do want to know is how old is she? She has a son. Is he a little kid? A teenager? Leave me wondering if she is younger or older. RIght now I am picturing late 40’s?

KidTruth avatar General Stranger

August 02, 2009

KidTruth

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
KidTruth reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

This is good so I wouldn’t pay TOO much attention to the numerical scores.  The problem here is as you suspected in your intro – nothing happens that defines what kind of story this is.  We’re reading about a lady who runs some sort of business and lost her wallet.  A mysterious stranger comes to her aid (romance) but we don’t know if the female lead is single, interested, married, what?  If you hadn’t mentioned romance in the intro I wouldn’t know what kind of story it was.  

I started writing fiction dreaming I could do general contemporary fiction and people would trust to find the adventure in the story as they kept reading.  The only publishing I ever managed was with tiny independent presses; once I started pursuing the big time I learned I had to give my stories a genre (more or less.)  

You write well.  The romantic interest’s dialogue doesn’t sound like someone would ever talk that way, though, and his name made me do a spit-take.  Trax Bragg?  Seriously, that’s gotta be changed.  For a minute I thought he might be a space alien and this was talking place on Venus.  

You write well, and in a perfect world people would keep reading for that reason alone.  However, nothing here happens that would make me want to keep reading.  I think you need to find a new beginning for your story – if it’s already done, I suggest the middle.  Or maybe start the book at the end and then flash back through the details that led to it, like any of Chuck Pahlaniuk’s books (and many other writers.)

Keep writing

RavenJake avatar General Stranger

August 02, 2009

RavenJake Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
RavenJake reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

To answer your question, yes it’s interesting enough to read on.

I like the beginning, it’s a clever first line but could maybe be slightly reworded so no one does a double take.

Red faced occurs more than once, as does “faced” so that could possibly be reduced and mixed up a bit.  

The dialog flows okay, but at this point in the story you kind of wonder where everything is going.  A longer excerpt is in order to get a view of your plot line.  

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paigemc

Age: 55
Loc: Athens, GA
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Last Login: November 17
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