Mad money—that is the $5 or $10 or $20 bill that your Mama always said to tuck in a little corner or your wallet or a special pocket of your purse, so if you are on a date and get mad, you can afford a cab ride home
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Romance / Author's Notes- Chapter One
Author’s Notes
Chapter One
Genealogy: the piecing together the puzzle of ancestors. Or completely reinventing them, if necessary.
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Kate Thornton felt her face turn as red as the wallet that wasn’t in her tote bag. Digging through the contents, she dumped her address book, two lipsticks, and a hair-brush on the counter, displacing the fried pork rinds and Copenhagen snuff. Her cell-phone chirped as she added it to the pile. “I’m so sorry. It’s got to be here somewhere.” She continued to burrow through the detritus in the bottom of the bag. “Blast, it has to be here. My wallet, I mean.”
The faded, shingle-sided convenience store just off Interstate 16 had a reputation for the best pulled-pork barbecue in Georgia. Kate never stopped without seeing a long line of locals as well as tourists, in route to the Georgia coast, waiting for the spicy pork sandwiches. Just standing there, Kate inhaled the sharp-sweet smell of the vinegar –based barbecue sauce.
The teenaged clerk behind the counter heaved a loud eye-rolling sigh and drummed his fingers on the chipped formica surface as he glared at her.
The customers behind Kate shuffled in line, clutching their own purchases.
The clerk looked past her to the next person, another teenager, this one in a Bone Pony concert t-shirt.
The young man grunted past Kate and put a six-pack of Coke on the counter. “Got ten dollars on pump three. Gimme two of them barbecues, and a pack of Marlboros.”
The clerk rang up the order, then looked at the youth, then the other customers. “No cigarettes without ID, Mac. Sixteen dollars and forty-five cents.”
The red-faced youth slid the money across the counter, gathered his food, then turned and pushed past the next customer.
That person, a narrow-faced woman, hair pulled back into a red scrunchy, looked over at Kate. “Didja find your money? How ‘bout some plastic?” Clearly a tourist, given her New Jersey accent.
Kate hadn’t been this embarrassed since the time her hem caught in the piano stool and she dragged it across the recital stage. “I’m sorry. My credit cards are in my wallet. But I must have some money here somewhere. Sorry.” She continued to sort through the different little pockets in her tote bag.
The New Jersey customer reached over Kate’s pile of purse filler to pay the clerk and then left the store. “Good luck, honey.”
Kate nodded, certain her face was redder than her hair. The cell-phone chirped again, and she grabbed it. “My mad money! My mad money!” She pulled a twenty-dollar bill from the side pocket of her phone-case and waved it in the direction of the clerk. “I found a twenty!”
He reached over the counter and snagged it. “Well, that covers your gas. That will be another $6.43 to cover the barbecues and the sweet tea.”
She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Yeah, the barbecue I already took a bite from. Blast. “Listen, if I call my cousin, can she give you her credit-card number on the phone?”
The clerk shook his head. “Nah, sorry. Can’t do that.”
Kate thrust her hands into her khaki pockets and shrugged. “Well, can I mail you the money? I mean, I already ate some of the sandwich. I’ll be at my parents’ house in two hours and--- hey.” Her fingers curled around a folded bill, tucked deep in the right-hand pocket. She pulled it out and unfolded a five. “Here. Now I owe a dollar and forty-three cents.”
“Here.” A tall man about her age pushed his way from the back of the line. He laid a dollar bill and two quarters on the counter. “Let me help.”
Kate felt her face burn even more. “I’m so sorry. I can’t take your money. It’s just that I lost my wallet and---“ Her gut tangled in knots, threatening to expel her barbecue. I can’t go through this again. I am out of that business. Period. Well, he doesn’t look like the kind of man to knee-cap a woman.
“I heard the story.” His smile removed any sting from his words, even though he talked with his teeth slightly gritted, like that Main Line attorney she had done research for. “Could happen to anyone. I don’t believe you’re running any kind of grift. ”
“Well, thank you. If you give me your name and address, I’ll send you the money.”
“Don’t worry about it. The postage would be more than money. Have a nice day.” He smiled, turned back to the counter, and slid money for his purchases to the clerk.
Kate took her sandwiches and tea and wandered out to the picnic tables under the oak trees in the parking lot. Occasional streaks of sunshine snuck through the dark cloud band to the west and reflected off of the small pond. A frothy spill of lavender wisteria tumbled over the rotted fence separating the highway from the pond. Kate loved the waterfall flow of the purple blossoms despite the stern words of her mama and Aunt Sister, co-presidents of the Oak Harbor Garden Club for the previous twenty years. Chinese wisteria is a non-native invasive species that needs to be destroyed not propagated. Where was her wallet? She jumped up and went to her rental car, ran her hand under the seat, between the console, behind the cushions. Nothing. Shoulders slumped, she returned to the table and finished her lunch.
“Mind if I join you?” Green eyes stared down from her rescuer, that nice smile still there.
Kate jerked from her reverie. “Oh, sure, please. I guess I never really introduced myself. Kate Thornton.” Why was he following her? Maybe he was just being nice. But Trax Bragg seemed nice, too. At first.
“Ash Hampton.” He shook her hand before opening the foil wrap to his barbecue sandwich. “These smelled so good, I had to follow your example and get one. So are you from around here?” His eyes closed as he savored the taste of the pulled pork. “Absolutely wonderful.”
Kate felt her shoulders relaxing. “ Oak Harbour. Small town about twenty miles from Savannah. Actually, I live in New Jersey, but most of my family is still in Oak Harbour. We’re visiting. I had some business over near Union Point. In fact, I bet that’s where I left my wallet. You?” Her phone chirped again. “Sorry.” She tucked that loose strand of hair behind her ear again and glanced at the phone display.
He looked down at the cell, a smile revealing even white teeth and a dimple in his left cheek. “Go ahead and answer it. Someone seems determined to reach you.”
“Probably just the family. I’m running a little bit later than planned. Had to stop and see a new client. Really sweet old man.” She mashed her code to the voicemail system and listened to the mechanical androgenous voice announce four messages.
First Message. 1:21pm. 912-369-7649 Ms Thornton, I have something important for you. And I need to talk to you. Kate recognized the voice of the elderly client she had left two hours before.
Second Message. 1:58pm. 315-266-4419 We’ve got a job. Civil War this time. Her cousin and business partner, Joanna.
Third Message 2:10pm. 201-555-0011 Hey Momser, what’s taking so long? We caught crabs for dinner. Her son, Alex.
Fourth Message. 2:15pm. 912-369-7649 Miss Thornton, we need to talk about this. It’s important that we talk. Kate recognized her client’s voice. Talk about what? Talk about what? The project. Oh, blast, he wants to cancel the project, and she didn’t get a signed contract or a retainer or anything. She needed that project. She needed the money the project would bring. Genealogists didn’t make a lot of money, and with the current economy, projects were few and far between. Please don’t cancel the contract!
“Excuse me just a minute more.” She gestured to Ash, then pushed redial.
The call went straight to voicemail. She pushed that strand of hair behind her ear again, counted to ten and pushed redial once more. Straight to voicemail.
Blast, he’s going to cancel the contract. She needed that contract, she was down to her last three hundred dollars in the bank.
“I’ve got to go!” Kate bolted from the table, dumped her trash in the receptacle and jumped into her car.
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gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
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Comments: This piece has an ease about it that really surprised me! For instance the way your dialogue flows and remains in the moment was amazing. I loved how you moved the scene while she was trying to find the money at the counter! I felt for her! I’m sure everyone else has had that happen to them, though I doubt a handsome man has saved them. I also really liked the internal thoughts, really adds to her character. The voice mails were really a nice touch too, I loved the momser.
Suggestions: My only suggestion I can give you is that you keep repeating she is embarrassed. It got to the point that I wanted to say, yes I get it lets move on. I would take some parts out of the embarrassed parts.
To your questions, I love the story so far, and I would definitely keep on reading!
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Sheisnotyou03 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed reading your story. Kate’s past history is very intriguing and I would like to know more. Tell us more about Kate and who she is.
I didnt understand the phrase “my mad money”, “my mad money” is that a Georgia thing? Perhaps you should clarify what that phrase means.
How does Kate’s rescurer know that people have been trying to reach her , could he hear the phone from where he was standing?
So far you have a very intersting plot line, and I definitely want to see what you write next.
Olive147 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think that this is a great beginning for a potentially wonderful story. The characters are interesting and easy to become attached to. I couldn’t find any spelling/grammar errors…this is definitely worth continuing! Great work and good luck!
dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the characters so far. Kate seems a little strung out though. Can’t find her wallet and worried about a contract from an older client she saw two hours previously. She seems like she’s got more than that going on at the present moment. I want to know how her character develops as the story moves forward.
Ash seems like just some nice guy willing to help someone in need. There’s not too much on him to give a thorough review on though.
The story is catching. I continued to read it. It’s piqued my interest in what is going to happen next. I’m interested to know what the old guy needs to really talk to her about.
As for attracting a publisher and/or agent – Not yet. I think there needs to be more in the story. People are always telling me that you have to write something that would drag the reader into reading the book and the first chapter is important.
Romance – I don’t see anything about romance just yet. The interaction between Ash and Kate aren’t enough to determine if it’ll be romance. Maybe if you have them interact more, say more to each other.
I would keep reading. Good luck and looking forward to reading more.
TerJa reviewed Version 1 -
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Would I read further? Yes, (I have a 30 page rule). You have set up several implied sub-plots, though I have no idea which is the main one. Lost wallet, hint of unhapppy affair (I’m not sure about a name like Trax), a possible new relatioonship, a client who is unhappy and so on. I’m not sure what she does for the clients, but I am sure that will be disclosed soon.
As to likeing the charaters, well, only Kate has really been given enough room to emmerge as a person so far. Ash show some qualities, but not enough to make him an uindividual yet. Don’t worry too much about that. It is likely very early in your story and they should come clearer as he pages turn.
Your use of dialogue was good. You made no effort to write the dialect, just told us there was an accent. That is a good thing.
I’m willing to read more. Letg me know when you have another chapter.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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The beginning line of your story is a litte confusing and doesn’t seem to fit.
I like the image you create of the lost wallet, Kate’s embarrassment as she tries to find it and come up with money. I was frustrated with all the characters because they refused to help her out.
You’re hinting at a backstory for Kate which I wish you’d develope a bit more. I get the feeling that something critical is going on, but you’ve not hinted at enough.
Liked the stranger who rescued Kate from her situation. How will he find her again if she takes off so abruptly? I assume he is important to the story.
No hint so far that this is a romance—it seems more like a mystery. Will you give us more?
Oh, and you are using commas where they aren’t needed. Check a grammar guide on line to help, or pick up a book
This could have possibilities
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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The beginning shows definite promise. I like how you started out the story with a situation that most people can relate to. This allows the reader to empathize and connect with your character, Kate. However, there are some things that didn’t work for me. 1. How you described the clerk’s reaction. First you said he heaved a rolling eye sigh which indicates that he is somewhat annoyed, but in a disinterested manner. Then you said he glared at her. That would indicate that he’s angry with her. I can imagine that the clerk is bored and even a little irritated, but not angry in this situation unless there was an argument ensuing. 2. What’s up with your obsession with the color red? Red wallet, red faces, red scrunchy, even redder faces, and red hair. Please pick a different color or choose a different word so it doesn’t sound so repetitious. 3. Kate’s openness seems unrealistic. You already showed us that Kate is cautious of strangers, in particularly men who try to help her, because of a past relationship. Why in the world would she give this stranger so much information about herself when she only met him 5 minutes ago? Think about Kate’s background and the reason why she is so mistrustful of men. Wouldn’t it stand to reason that she would be more guarded in this situation? Not only would it add an ounce of mystery to Kate, but make her possible love interest and your reader more intrigued with her character. As for your questions on whether I like this character and does it make me want to read more, I will give you an honest answer. Yes, I like your character Kate and I am somewhat intrigued by the stranger, but as I stated before there are some flaws that you need to work out. I’m not saying that you’re beginning is bad, but it doesn’t exactly sound like a page turner as it’s currently written. I think with a little more work it can definitely become one. Good luck!
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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I was interested in this story. However i had a little trouble with the character of Kate. Cophenhagen snuff? can you expound on this? Why would this smart geneaologist dip snuff. I need to know. At the begining, the reader gets the sense that Kate might be elderly. It is only near the end that one realizes that she is young. I need for you to draw Kate out more. Give the reader a more sense of her age and how she looks. You use words like ” the young man” the teenager” this makes the reader think Kate is older than both. You could just tell her age and give a little more description of her clothes, car. etc.
You allude to Kate being a prostitute. You will have to give the reader more, i am sure you know this. This is a good start and i would like to reserve judgment until i see more. I cannot review what is not here. I would be very interested to see what you do with this. Perhaps there is a budding romance here eh? Good luck, Sandi
Treatsa reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the name Kate Thornton. It’s a perfect name for a romance. I also like the opening. Something that most women can relate to. I’m also craving pulled-pork sandwiches. Good stuff.
I don’t much care for this sentence, “Clearly a tourist, ... accent.” You can hear the accent in the dialogue and the tag is very telling. How about, “she gum-smacked in her sharp New Jersey accent.” We’ll get the tourist part.
“different little pockets” – cut different. it’s implied.
“Occasional streaks of sunshine” – I’m not digging ‘occasional’ here. Temperamental?
“waterfall flow” – cut flow.
“Green eyes stared” – I would re-word this. If you are aiming to introduce Ash as the male protagonist to your romance start romanticizing him here. Think, “Emerald pools sparkled” or something along those lines. And the nice smell. Too bland. I want to know the smell. Is it something sweet like jasmine or sexy like sandlewood? Be descriptive when it comes to the senses.
I do like how you sprinkle information throughout instead of a massive info-drop. The reader gets to know her in easily digestible bits.
I would like to see more romance style descriptions for Kate. When you mention her khaki pockets it is the perfect opportunity to mention something like how snug they were on her hips. Little things like that.
Not a bad introduction. Tweak it a little for your target market and you’ll have us all wondering if he gets the girl.
More in comments if you ask.
DLCW reviewed Version 1 -
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I want more give me more! I would definitly keep reading I want to right now! Kate is a wonderful character as is Ash. I love the images of her going through the bag looking for her stuff and finding the hidden money while the people behind her are waiting. I would buy this book if it started like this. I hope to read the next chapter. Thank you for giving me the chance to read this great piece I don’t see a thing I would change at all. :)
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