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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Veil of Darkness - Chapter 3 Part 1 (Analysis)
Catherine
Kennedy Estates
Tuesday 2 a.m.
Six months after the fire, Catherine's kitchen was finally completed. She walked the last contractor out the door and closed it behind him. She stood leaning against it and took a deep breath of relief thinking about the day of the fire.
If Tomas hadn't awoken her and gotten her out, she would have been roasted chicken. She knew it was standard procedure to check all rooms, but not only did he get her out, he kept her from being exposed to the sunlight whenever it peaked through the clouds. She had almost exposed herself, despite his efforts, when she went inside the house to save three firemen who had been injured. She had to drag the men out so she wouldn't give herself away.
The two paramedics at the scene, O'Michaels and Deers, knew exactly what she was and Tomas had mentioned he would be sure the pair didn't speak of what they saw. Six months later with no calls from reporters, she knew he kept his word.
When she saw the house after the fire, she had been shocked. The thought of dying a second time sent shivers up her spine. She would eventually find out who and why someone tried to kill her. When she found out, they better hope she was merciful.
Catherine had her suspicions and one of them had been the fire chief investigator, Henry O'Doul. He didn't seem like the type of man to be prejudice but with the name like O'Doul, she was certain he had a part in it. She hadn't found the chance to get more information on him but now that her kitchen was completed, she could focus.
Catherine shook herself from her thoughts, walked through the first floor and examined the work completed. The dining and living room had smoke and water damage so all the walls and hardwood floors had to be replaced. She had professionals come in to clean some of the furniture, pieces that had survived. Her couch and armchairs were so old and completely ruined, she ended up purchasing a whole new set. She decided to go for a more contemporary look with browns and reds.
She walked through the dining room into her kitchen. The damage was something she hadn't been prepared for. The hardwood floor was completely blackened, like wood in a camp fire that burned all night. The refrigerator went through the floor it sat on. The gas stove was completely gone, it had exploded and pieces of it had been scattered all over along with the cabinets, pots and pans. Everything was burnt to the crisp. She hadn't been able to salvage anything.
When the contractors gave their estimates, she forwarded them to the insurance company and they paid for everything. Her contractors did a really good job at getting everything precisely the way she wanted it. All the cabinets were frosted glass inside and out. The counters were black marble and she added an island in the middle of the room. She had them install top of the line appliances as well.
Catherine walked to her new refrigerator, pulled out a bottle and popped it in the microwave. When she had walked the contractors out, she had grabbed the Irish News evening edition newspaper that sat on the front step. While waiting for her drink, she sat in a chair at the island and opened it.
Just as the timer went off on the microwave, her cell phone rang. She pulled the phone out of her pocket at the third ring, looked at the caller id, opened it and placed the phone to her ear, "Gregory?"
"Catherine?" he said.
"Yes, Gregory."
"I have someone coming in from Sweden and I need you to provide a room for him," he said coldly.
"Okay? No, hello? Just straight to business?" He usually gave her a pleasant greeting before moving forward to business. She hadn't expected him to be so rude.
"I'm sorry. Hello. How's the house?" He asked with warmth.
"It's okay. The house is done. You should come by and see what a wonderful job they'd done." She smiled at how quickly he switched his tone.
"Soon."
"Good. So about this visitor. When shall I be expecting him?"
"He won't be meeting you at home. I want you to meet him at Kavanaghs' first and get a feel for him. I"ll be meeting him when he arrives Wednesday evening, but you can read vamps. Can you do that?" She sensed eagerness in his voice.
"Okay?" She strolled over to the microwave, pulled out her bottle, shook it and popped it open. She took a sip and stood holding the bottle waiting for him to respond.
"I'm asking you to read him, find out what his true intentions are," he said finally.
She remained quiet, thinking about his request. Catherine had the power of telepathy. She could read others memories, intentions and feelings. There were times she could see memories that were long forgotten.
After a moment she asked, "If he will be staying with me what would be the purpose of meeting him at Kavanaghs'? Is there something I should be worried about Gregory?"
Ignoring her question, in a firm tone, he said, "Just meet him at eleven thirty Friday."
"Aren't you going to answer my question?" She snapped.
"Please, just do what I ask."
"No, are you asking me as a friend or are you ordering as a King?"
"Catheirne, why must you be so difficult?"
"Because. You have this visitor coming to stay in my house and you want me to read his mind. Something that you can also do." Catherine's voice began to rise and sound irritated.
"I can't read our kind. You know that." Gregory held the power of telepathy but his did not include vampires. She knew that and she hated he would put her in the middle of vampire politics. Then he added, "He's coming here on the Queen of Sweden's orders."
Okay? She thought. Josefina Gustaf, Queen of Sweden, was what Gregory described as unjustly, greedy and plain ol' mean. Catherine had never met her nor did she care to.
"You don't know her. She devious."
"I don't care. What does it matter that she's sending someone? What for?"
Gregory let out a loud and annoyed sigh then asked, "Will you do it?"
She rolled her eyes and answered, "If you aren't going to give me any details as to why it's so important, why should I?"
"Because if you aren't going to do it as a friend, I'll order you."
Okay, this battle has been lost. I'm stuck doing this whether I want to or not, she thought. She made a choking gesture around her phone, placed it back to her ear and calmly said, "Fine."
"Great. Thank you. Friday, eleven thirty, Kavanaghs'." His tone was more cheerful once she'd agreed.
She shook her head, took a deep breath and asked, "How will I identify him?"
"Wear that spring dress I like so much. The one with the purples along with that silly hat that comes with it."
Catherine's mouth snapped opened, then she squeaked, "Are you mad? It's October not April. I'll look ridiculous." I am not wearing a spring dress in the middle of October. That's ludicrous, she scolded him mentally.
"Exactly."
Her mouth fell open wider and she yelled, "Absolutely not. You want me to look ridiculous?"
Gregory gave a small laugh. "No, but you'll stick out like a sore thumb."
Oh my God. He can't be serious.
"Catherine?"
She paced the kitchen, brought her hands up to the ceiling as if asking God why Gregory was determined to make her look foolish.
"Catherine?" Gregory's tone was serious and firm. He had stopped laughing when she hadn't responded.
After a few moments, she asked, "Are you going to make him wear something ridiculous?"
"Well..." he paused. She knew he was holding back a laugh, she could hear it in his silence. He continued, "I didn't plan on it."
Catherine threw her hands up in the air again and mouthed, "Why?" to the ceiling.
"Catherine. I know you don't like this but, I don't know this man from Adam."
Catherine stopped pacing the room, sat back into her chair and said, "Fine. Whatever you want."
"Wonderful." Then he hung up.
Catherine closed her phone and stared at it.
I can't believe I just agreed to that. What was I thinking? I should call him back. No, I better not. One way or another, he'll get me to do it anyway. She shook her head and shoved her phone into her pocket.
Wednesday 7 p.m.
She climbed out of bed, pulled on her thigh length black with pink roses silk robe and made her way to the bathroom. The walls were pained a rich mahogany with hand-rubbed brandy finish crown molding around the ceiling. Upon entering the bathroom, on the south side, stood the 'his' and 'her' vanity with two frosted glass bowls as sinks and stainless steel faucets. The cabinets were the same finish as the crown molding with stainless steel rope carved handles.
Catherine walked over to the vanity and looked into the mirror. The mirror ran from the side of the white porcelain toilet, on the right to the frosted glass shower stall, on the left. The myth about vampires having no reflections was false, but vamps kept that to themselves. This helped for vamps like Catherine to remain in hiding.
Vamps have been public for over two decades, but she never made herself known, unlike many of them around her. She wanted to live close to humans without them fearing her, killing her or having groupies. Groupies were humans who'd hang out at a vampire's residence and try to get noticed. They would follow vamps to pubs and night clubs begging for sex and to be bitten. She disliked groupies.
She looked at herself and sighed. She wasn't looking forward to Friday evening. She would meet Alexander, a stranger from Sweden, and try to get a reading from him. Gregory very rarely sent anyone over to stay with her and she didn't mind it so much. Since the fire she'd been wary of strangers in her home. She didn't trust anyone, not even a vamp.
She followed her normal routine of showering, brushing her teeth and preparing for the night ahead. She didn't have any plans other than to watch some American sitcoms, she thought they were funny, and read a book.
As she walked into one of the walk-in closets that sat on either side of the bathroom, she dropped to her hands and knees. Her vision blurred and images flickered before her eyes. They weren't clear but she could smell the smoke and feel the heat. She heard screams in the background but couldn't tell where it was coming from. Then she heard a different scream. It was ear piercing and blood curdling. It grew louder as the smoke intensified. After a few moments, she realized it was her screaming. The images continued then just as quickly as it started it faded.
When the images disappeared, she stopped screaming, the heat faded as well as the scent of smoke. The sight of her closet was clear, her hands were over her head. She looked around the closet then at herself. He skin felt warm and she found a blister or two along the inside of her arm.
"What the hell is this?" She asked herself, examining the rest of her body. She rose to her feet, removed the towel and spotted more blisters. She went to the mirror in the bathroom and continued looking. "I can't believe this. What the hell?" Just as she turned from side to side, the blisters began to heal. She thought about calling Gregory but decided not to. She didn't feel the need to worry him. It was the first time it's happened. She was a telepath and a strong one. She read vamps and human minds. She'd seen visions and felt other's past, present and future but she's never had one that actually affected her this way. She's never felt actual pain or smelled the scents of her visions.
She watched as each blister faded. She slowly turned and walked into the closet, not knowing what to think of the experience. She'd done research on telepathy and psychic, finding there were many humans with the gifts, but none a vampire. Gregory was a weak telepath, reading only humans. He wasn't a psychic either. His visions weren't as vivid as hers nor worked unless he was in contact with the human. It was a weakness for him and the reason he would send a vamp to her.
She pulled out a pair of undergarments, jeans and a light blue t-shirt. She slipped the items on and treaded to the bedroom. As she walked to the window, the images began again. She fell to her knees again.
Smoke, flames and people screaming surrounded her. She looked around her vision but couldn't tell where she was. She couldn't see clearly but she noticed the people held pitch forks and torches. Her skin started to burn, her eyes stung from the smoke and her ears hurt from the screaming. She tried to walk away from the flames but she couldn't. She looked down at her feet, they were tied with thick silver ropes. She tried to reach down, but a similar silver chain was wrapped around her waist and wrists. She began to panic and screamed, "Help me! Somebody please." But no one came. She stood there, burning as she struggled to get free. Twisting her foot this way and that. Her ankles and wrists burned more than the flames. She continued to break free as she tried look through the heavy smoke, but still, she couldn't see anything clearly. She didn't know where she was or what time period.
After a few moments, the vision faded. She sat on the floor, on her knees and her arms wrapped around her body. "This can't be happening. What's going on?" She whispered in a shaky voice. The blisters were there again but were healing quickly. The silver chains in her vision had burned her wrists and ankles in reality. She hadn't pulled he hair up yet and as she began to stand she noticed that even her hair was growing back. She took a handful and examined it. It had been singed. As if someone had placed a lighter under and lit it. She got to her feet and walked back into the bathroom.
She looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was all over the place, like a bad eighties hair style, teased this way and that way. She put her face as close to the mirror as possible and looked deep into her own eyes. She didn't see anything out of the ordinary. They were still deep gold with a tint of red. The red indicated she was thirsty. She pulled away from the mirror and ran a brush through her hair. She pulled it up into a ponytail, moved her head from side to side to make sure it was perfect and left the bathroom, turning off the light.
As she walked down to the second floor, she thought about her incident. What could have caused that? I just don't understand. Of all the centuries I've had this ability, I've never been affected this way. Maybe it's some kind of magic. Maybe I should call Gregory. No. If I call him then he'll be so worried and drive out here.
This was another incident she didn't foresee. So what does that mean? Does it mean someone's after me? Is someone close thinking about burning me alive? I didn't recognize the place.
She got to the second floor and went into her office. The room hadn't been affected by the fire and she was thankful for it. It sat on the southwest side of the house overlooking Stocking Lane. It was decorated with dark walls like her bathroom. The furniture was a deep cherry oak. She walked over to her desk and began rummaging through her papers. She would go through her findings about the psychic and see if she could find more information about visions. There had to be a connection and she was going to find it.
After three hours, Catherine looked over at the grandfather clock sitting by the door. It was already twelve in the morning and she still hadn't found a connection. She gave up and called Gregory.
The phone rang four times before he picked up, "Hello?"
"Good morning, Gregory," she said cheerfully. No matter what ailed her, hearing his voice was always comforting.
"Hello, darling. How are you?"
"I'm not doing to well." Her voice changed after he asked.
"What's the matter? Are you alright?" His voice went from cheerful to concerned.
"Something's happened. I don't know exactly how to explain it."
"Try as best you can. What's happened?"
Catherine sat quietly at her desk. I have to tell him. He's the only one who could help me.
"Catherine, please. Tell me," he pleaded.
Finally, she explained, "I was heading into the closet to gather my clothes for the evening and I had a vision."
"You have visions all the time. What was different?"
"The vision had flames, smoke and there were people screaming, myself included. I could taste the smoke, feel the heat on my skin and the smoke burned my eyes."
Gregory remained quiet.
"Gregory, when I came to, I was on my knees in the closet with my hands over my head. I had blisters all over my body. When the second episode happened, I found my hair was singed."
"What? A second episode? How many did you have?"
"I had two within a couple of minutes of each other."
"And both times your skin blistered?"
"Yes. What do you think?"
Gregory grew quiet again. She figured he was trying to find an answer for her so she patiently waited until he had one.
Finally, he said, "I don't know. My visions have never been that clear nor have I ever felt anything like you have. I don't have an answer for you."
"What am I to do? Sit here and wait until it happens again?"
I don't know. I'll look into it though. I'll see if there's any other vamp with your abilities."
"I've already checked. I didn't find anyone."
"Catherine, there are a lot of vamps that aren't registered to the public. You, of all people, should know that."
"I do. So, until then?"
"Until then sit tight. Write down time, date and what you saw and felt."
"Okay." I really don't know what that'll do.
"I'm sorry, Catherine. I wish there was more I can do."
"Just finding out if this has happened before and seeing if I can somehow control it, is good enough for me. For now."
"Alright. Have you fed tonight?" He asked attempting to change the subject.
"No. I'm just going to have a bottle."
"Are you sure it's enough? Do you have enough on reserve? Shall I send for more or would you like a donor?"
"Yes, it's enough. I won't be around humans tonight so I'll be okay. And no, I still have plenty and do not wish to have a donor sent." Gregory supplied bottles of human blood so she wouldn't have humans come to her home. When she was around humans, her thirst intensified, making it difficult for her to concentrate and stay focused. Gregory provided human donors and bottled blood in return she provide a room for visiting vamps.
"Well, try to enjoy the rest of the night. I'll be in touch with you soon."
"Okay. Will do." Then she hung up.
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DREAD88 reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
When she found out, they better hope she was merciful.
===================================
Maybe “pray for mercy” would be more appropriate? I feel like this line as is pace slowing.
Pg.1 paragraph about suspecting O’Doul-
I would say ”...had her suspicions. She had a hunch that one of them had been…”
Also what does the name O’Doul have to do with him being a target? Is it because it is Irish? They are in Ireland right? So most be have Irish names. How does this single him out? I hope that is fleshed out more.
Everything was burnt to the crisp.
==================================
Burnt to a* crisp
There were times she could
========================
There were times that* she could
=============================================================
Why are they saying Shall and other old English terms, that make the dialogue feel dated, yet he says “get a feel for him” a very modern saying, and they are using phones. The combination of the writing style and the modernism is kind of offsetting.
want you to meet him at Kavanaghs’ first and get a feel for him.
She remained quiet, thinking about his request. Catherine had the power of telepathy. She could read others memories, intentions and feelings. There were times she could see memories that were long forgotten.
=======================================================
NOOOO. Awww, I wanted to figure this out on my own. You have created this ridiculously good plot point at the beginning of the story, saying that she drags the men out of the house instead of carrying them presumably, to hide what she was. They you go and tell me suddenly. That’s so dissapointing. I highly recommend showing us, instead of telling us what she is. For example…
Gregory tells her to read this man, find out his deepest secrets. Find out exactly what he wants out of this. And then Catherine replies. “Fine” or no problem. It leaves the reader wondering. How? How will she read him. Will she pump him for answers? (Have sex with him) Will she force the answers out? (Gun drawn)or does she have mind reading capabilities. And then give hints at her mind reading abilities leading up to the point where she meets him and reads his mind!!
“You don’t know her. She devious.”
==================================
Intended to read like this?
She didn’t have any plans other than to watch some American sitcoms as* she thought they were funny;* and then she read a book.
She’d done research on telepathy and psychic
=====================================
this is grammatically weird sounding. She had(when writing in the third person omniscient, do not use conjunctions) done research on telepathy and psychic abilities.
She didn’t know where she was or what time period
====================================
She didn’t know when or where she was.
========================================
Please change this paragraph. It has the flow and feel of someone who quickly wrote it without much of a second thought.
As she walked down to the second floor, she thought about her incident. What could have caused that? I just don’t understand. Of all the centuries I’ve had this ability, I’ve never been affected this way. Maybe it’s some kind of magic. Maybe I should call Gregory. No. If I call him then he’ll be so worried and drive out here.
Write down time, date and what you saw and felt.
=============================================
Write it down? That seems weird. How can one forget being burnt alive and receiving blisters etc. Also “write down the* time, date…”
”Well, try to enjoy the rest
of the night. I’ll be in touch with you soon.”
”Okay. Will do.” Then she hung up.
====================================
How can she enjoy the rest of the night? Wouldn’t, “take it easy” be a more natural comment here? “Then she hung up”? Try, she said hanging up the phone. It flows more in my opinion.
Over all, the intro to the story was intense and perfect. I was so excited and drawn in. I though that I would be reading the best story on Urbis. And then… then it spirals downward. The dialogue became stiff and confusing at times. The fact that there are cell phones, yet they talk like they are 19th century englishmen is distracting. Also, several paragraphs seem rushed. Finally, you invoke a sense of wonder… what could happen next. What is really going on here, what is she… Then you slap the reader in the face with the truth a page or two later. “Oh by the way, she’s a psychic, K thx.”
It could be shown rather than told to the reader. Let us find this out. You have the talent for the ideas and concepts. You just need to work on the execution. I was ready to give this a 10/10 in all categories very early on. After reading it all, I have to give you a 9/10 for talent. You’ve got it there. Clarity is high as well. Good job, keep working on it.
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theboss420 reviewed Version 3 -
Read 8% of the Item
its a great plot and a good set up for an amazing story
but i felt no deep connection to the character
i wanna exactly how she felt and describe how she drug the bodies
were they heavy was it gross?
give me more to see and hear and feel
but really its really good i couldnt of thought of something like that
Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
Six months later with no calls from reporters -We know it has been 6 months, as before mentioned. Try: Now, with no calls from reporters…or: Since there had been no calls…
they better hope she was merciful. -They’[d] better hope
examined the work completed. -the completed work
wonderful job they’d done- they’ve done or they did
greedy and plain ol’ mean -Go with old, unless in a dialogue where ol’ would be okay.
thigh length black with pink roses silk robe -seems out of order, try :pulled on her thigh length, black and pink rose printed, silk robe.
them fearing her, killing her or having groupies -comma after killing her
pulled he hair -her hair (spell check won’t find that)
It had been singed. As if someone had -singed, as if…
She pulled it up into a ponytail, moved her head from side to side to make sure it was perfect and left the bathroom, turning off the light. -is it no longer black? Describe it going back to normal.
I don’t know. I’ll -missing open quotation
Did it catch your interest? You did a great job of catching iterest, in both chapters.
How is clarity? The clarity is good, there are a few thing I was wondering about. 1. I can’t be sure, but I thought in part one GRegory read one of Catherine’s thoughts. If he really can’t do that, you might clear that up. I may be mistaken though…
What are you opinions on the characters? The characters are great and I love how you make them flow so well in the story. I feel like I am right there with them.
My favorite part of the chapter is the sundress and how he is trying not to laugh. It was really amusing and I could totally relate.
jakuper reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
At the beginning of this chapter you retell what happened in the chapter 1. Why? If somebody reads all the chapters, they would be bored to reread the synopsis.
You begin by telling that after 6months the kitchen was rebuilt. But later on she tells Gregory that the house is done. So, be consistent.
Three times you write ‘okay?’ in dialogues, both times those are not questions.
This chapter the pace is slower than in the chapter1, but still good. I still don’t know where you are leading, but I like it this way.
Sorry I didn’t fest on your points and didn’t write here 800words comment.
I think “It’s still great work, continue like this, I like it” is enough.
:-)
msstma reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
i love these kinds of stories.
you have a good storyline here. it started a little slow but became much more involved.
my favorite part was the telephone banter with Gregory about the dress.
You seem creative, but u have to learn to make your sentences read smoother, less wordy.
suggestions:
Sentence 2 & 3, She walked. She stood… change 2nd sentence to: Leaning against it, she took…
‘when she found out, they better hope she was merciful.’ don’t hold back! say, ’...she found out, they were toast!’
the part about Gregory putting her in the middle of vamp politics. but she’s a vamp, too. how about: ’...her in the middle of his vamp politics.’
She disliked groupies. again, don’t hold back. ‘She hated groupies.’
what was she looking for on the desk? a psychic? was that a person or info on psychics in general?
i really wanted to read about her meeting with the mysterious visitor. What u wrote was intriguing, but it seemed to take a long time 4 u to say get the story across. I feel with more practice, you will get better at this part. hope u like the suggestions.
Tattered_and_Torn reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
First off, I’d like to say that this was very clear when I read it, like I didn’t get lost or confused like I do sometimes when I read something for the first time.
Secondly, I know from personal experience that it is sometimes hard to write a story about a fictional creature, i.e. vampires, werewolves, etc, for some people. Like for me it is somewhat hard to write about vampires, even though I love them. I think what you did here was awesome. Like, I could see myself reading this one day.
” If Tomas hadn’t awoken her and gotten her out, she would have been roasted chicken. She knew it was standard procedure to check all rooms, but not only did he get her out, he kept her from being exposed to the sunlight whenever it peaked through the clouds. She had almost exposed herself, despite his efforts, when she went inside the house to save three firemen who had been injured. She had to drag the men out so she wouldn’t give herself away.” I like this part here because you don’t give away what she is that people don’t know, but you also describe it so that readers can try to make their own conclusions instead of just, ‘Tomas saved me from being exposed.’ Sure that is good in a way, but you made it better.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
awoken - This should be wakened, you could have gotten away with “woken”
The two paramedics at the scene, O’Michaels and Deers, knew exactly what she was and Tomas had mentioned he would be sure the pair didn’t speak of what they saw. (I like this sentence because it leaves what Tomas did up to the reader’s imagination)
“prejudice” needs to be prejudiced—did you miss it? I do sometimes when I write
some of the furniture, pieces that had survived—this would read better “some of the pieces of furniture that had survived” flows more smoothly
burnt to the crisp—this should be burnt to a crisp
She devious—Again, watch this, it should be she is devious
Just FYI, the name of the royal house of Sweden is Bernadotte—just if you’re interested
vamps kept that to themselves. This helped for vamps— be consistent. Up to this point you have used “vampires”. Stick to it. The vamps is distracting to your story and frankly sounds a little crass in context.
it’s happened—this should be “it had happened”.
she’s never had one— you did it again s/b she’d never had one. Wrong tense
Please throw in some names when you are having dialogues between two characters. This is a criticism that someone gave me and I found that it helped to make things more clear. And after reading an author who had a tendency to use pronouns instead of names I understand why.
Yo0u did a very good job with this. It read like the beginning of a story, not just a chapter. Nice development of your characters. Very easy to read, good story line, a mystery that we can look forward to learning more about with her visions.
Scarlett_156 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Well… I DO very much want to be nice, and I hope that the author will try to keep that in mind. I am going to say some critical things about this chapter--within the guidelines of what the author deems acceptable as criticism, of course!--but nonetheless critical. If I didn’t think there was anything worthwhile at all about this work, I would have passed on it, and if the author has a problem with anything I say here, please feel free to give me a holla and demand further explanation. (I know from long experience that sometimes people think I’m trying to be a creep when I actually mean well. I’m used to having to explain myself, therefore.)
At first when I started reading this I was sort of getting into it. Your descriptions of what’s going on at the very beginning and of the fire are pretty tight. But then all of a sudden: “Oh… the protagonist is a vampire… I think… it makes a reference to her not being able to be in the sun, and being ‘dead’... is she… hm… ok, yeah: Definitely a vampire.” And at that point about 60% of my interest in reading sort of drained away, but I did read it all anyway because the writing was decent.
It’s not the fact that the story is about vampires that made me lose interest in the tale, by the way--I know, a lot of magazines that take horror and supernaturally-themed writing put in their submission guidelines that stories about vampires nearly always get an automatic “no”--but that’s not the case with me. I’m always on the lookout for a good tale about vampires, werewolves, etc.—because I like stories of violence and dread, mostly. Have you ever read any of Stephen King’s “Salem’s Lot” stories…? GOOD GOD, those are scary! (Funny, too.)
Anyway, back on topic: Though the story title promises “darkness”, the first chapter makes these fell creatures of the night seem more like two young people who work at a bank. (NOTE: “Vail” is a proper name, among other things denoting a resort town in this lovely state of Colorado where I live—”vale” is a geographical feature, and “veil” is a covering that only partially obscures what lies beneath it. You likely meant “veil” in the title. Someone else has likely already pointed that out by this point.) (I know that we are not supposed to point out spelling errors, but… IT’S THE TITLE!)
--Vamps have been public for over two decades, but she never made herself known, unlike many of them around her.--
This important bit of information is dropped into the middle of the chapter, amid descriptions of interior decoration, appointments, and clothing. It’s chapter 3, so yeah, maybe we already know all the ins and outs of that, but if it had been elaborated on more elsewhere, there would be little to no need to mention it again in this way here. See what I’m saying? The same goes for the stuff about why the guy wants to kill her (see below). If these things are already known by the reader having read the preceding chapters, then to bring them up here again in the third chapter without any sort of apparent development of the ideas seems clumsy.
I’m not saying that you NEED to tell me what happened in the other chapters to make this make sense to me--I’m saying that by reading this, I can see that the preceding chapters are similarly short on important background information and--probably—long on description of setting and outfits.
Your story starts out with action, a scene taking place--the lady is finally getting her home squared away after a fire. As noted above, this seemed fairly interesting to me, and things were moving right along, but then--SCREECH--ok, it seems that someone, maybe even the fire chief investigator himself, is trying to kill this lady because she is a vampire. Once I get that going through my head, I go back to reading and find that this lady’s house got burned to the ground, and she narrowly avoided (another) death, but now she’s gone back and had the entire house redone--apparently at some considerable expense, she must be a rich vampire. She’s not worried about whoever it was trying to come back and burn her out again—that person, it seems, has to worry about HER finding out who it really was. (No sort of indication is given in any of this chapter WHY anyone should fear this individual; she doesn’t seem tougher or any more menacing than a bank loan officer.) (Not that bank loan officers aren’t often scary!)
This is a really big thing about this story that doesn’t seem to mesh very well. If she has these enemies, but if vampires are “out” for the last 20 years--what is the source of the enmity? Ok, she is trying to hide what she is, unlike some of her homies, I get that--but the reason for this is not made very clear. Other vampires are “out” and don’t have to worry about humans burning their houses? Or do they? Apparently there is a “registry” for vampires and so on—there are “vampire politics”. If there is enmity between vampires and humans now, what is it based on? I mean, she doesn’t even hunt the humans, so why are they not liking her? Again, there’s really no impression that this peculiar situation is explained in greater detail in the preceding chapters. It’s just like “he hates her, he’s prejudice(d), he probably did it”.
ANOTHER NOTE: This may seem like commentary on spelling, but this is a spelling and grammatical error rolled into one: --He didn’t seem like the type of man to be prejudice but with the name like O’Doul, she was certain he had a part in it. She hadn’t found the chance to get more information on him but now that her kitchen was completed, she could focus.--
It’s “prejudiced” not “prejudice”. And again--no explanation of why she would be more inclined to suspect someone with the name O’Doul would burn her house down with her in it. I mean, that’s not just arson--it’s attempted murder, right? The guy’s committed several felonies, he must have some sort of reason to put himself in that kind of jeopardy, but there’s only a short mention of it before we get back to a description of home decorations. (And what exactly does a vampire do in the kitchen…? I read on and see that yes, this gal is a blood-drinking vampire, so… what are the “pots and pans” for…?)
You elaborate a great deal on the house and its furnishings and so on, but say very little about the situation, and the situation is the story. I’m not saying start off with a big wordy description of how Catherine got into dutch with this O’Doul, but the story does seem sort of awkward when viewed from any perspective but the one which values descriptions of interiors. It says that now that her house is fixed back up, she can try to figure out who wanted to kill her. Oh, er… indeed? (Personally, I find it hard to enjoy much around the home when contemplating the idea that someone wants me dead. Maybe that’s just me..?)
Anyway, moving on: These vampires are sort of compartmentalized in their abilities and capacities, it seems—some of them have talents and skills that the others don’t, which necessitates the occasional asking for a favor, I suppose, and setting things up so that politics will be necessary to make things run smoothly in the vampire subculture. Ok, that’s fine, Scarlett can buy that. It’s believable.
The couple of bits of dialog with Gregory are likewise believable--at first. When one sits back, however, and considers that Catherine is “centuries” old… the only way I can know this is because you, the author, are TELLING me. By her speech, her actions, and her internal monologue, she really does not seem that old. Like I said above--she and Gregory seem like two coworkers bantering about “the office”. They do not seem to be these unique and powerful creatures, centuries old, vastly subtle, skilled in ways that humans are not. (Is Gregory a vampire too…? or is he a human…? I’m assuming that he’s also a vampire.)
And then we find that Catherine denies herself even the pleasures of the hunt! Because she doesn’t want humans in her house, she drinks canned blood. (Yech! I started feeling sorry for her at that point.) She sits in evenings and watches TV, and reads. Apparently trolling the city’s alleyways and dives for victims is not her style—and still people want to burn her house down! Wtf is up with that..? I would think her neighbors would be quite relieved to know that.
And speaking of watching TV:--She didn’t have any plans other than to watch some American sitcoms, she thought they were funny, and read a book.--
That sentence is constructed incorrectly—”she thought they were funny” is a complete thought, and needs to be separated out from the other sentence:
“She didn’t have any plans other than to watch some American sitcoms, AS she thought they were funny”, or “She didn’t have any plans other than to watch some American sitcoms, which she thought were funny, and read a book” or “She didn’t have any plans other than to watch some American sitcoms (she thought they were funny) and read a book”—OR you could leave that bit out altogether, I’m thinking. No need to explain why she watches sitcoms, unless it has something to do with the story. (What I really want to know is: WHY ISN’T SHE OUT HUNTING THOSE WITLESS HUMANS, SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF THEM, AND DRINKING THEIR BLOOD? She’s watching American sitcoms, and there’s probably some old drunk guy RIGHT OUTSIDE HER HOUSE just begging to be victimized!)
--As she walked into one of the walk-in closets that sat on either side of the bathroom, she dropped to her hands and knees. Her vision blurred and images flickered before her eyes. They weren’t clear but she could smell the smoke and feel the heat.--
This vision is obviously a pivotal detail in setting up the story that is to come, and it is touched on so lightly that one has to re-read this entire passage to get a sense of what is going on.
--She looked at herself and sighed. She wasn’t looking forward to Friday evening. She would meet Alexander, a stranger from Sweden, and try to get a reading from him. Gregory very rarely sent anyone over to stay with her and she didn’t mind it so much. Since the fire she’d been wary of strangers in her home. She didn’t trust anyone, not even a vamp.--
So you set us up with this internal monologue--these are Catherine’s thoughts we’re reading--and then suddenly she’s dropping to her knees.
We start off FEELING her and then suddenly we’re only SEEING her. There’s got to be a reason she drops to her knees in the first place—does she feel weak or dizzy? Does she get some kind of sensory overload that confuses her? Does she just sort of find herself kneeling, and doesn’t know why?
The vision is well enough described, but we don’t really get the feeling that it’s happening to someone we know (that’s your protagonist). The parts of it that connect us to the person having the vision are very sketchy.
And when it happens a second time:
--As she walked to the window, the images began again. She fell to her knees again.--
That’s all. You do seem to like this character; I’m not sure that she’s your main character that the story’s all about, but it seems that is the case. If you want the reader to have any hope of feeling the same way about your character that you do, you have to throw her experiences, thoughts, and feelings into more light so that we can have something to relate to. If it’s unprecedented for Catherine to have this type of vision, then make us understand that by showing her distress, her helplessness as the vision seizes her, her lack of comprehension of the images she is seeing. An unprecedented vision that causes temporary incapacity and injury to a being centuries old has GOT to be pretty traumatic and upsetting.
You may think a ring is beautiful because of how ornately the gold or silver is worked around the stone, and of course the setting DOES enhance the stone to a great degree. However, an ornate setting looks funny without a stone, and an ornate setting takes on a flavor of ostentatious tackiness when the stone is cheap or full of flaws. You’re putting the setting before the stone here.
Polish your stone, your story, so that things are explained in a way that drives the story along. You may only be telling a small part of the entire story as you have it in your head; nevertheless, the entire story does need to be fleshed out and given some life before you can move on to sharing this part of it with readers who don’t know you, your characters, or any of the action and dialog that you are seeing in your head as you try to tell your tale.
--“I’m not doing to well.” Her voice changed after he asked.--
Should be “TOO well”.
--Catherine sat quietly at her desk. I have to tell him. He’s the only one who could help me.--
Why is that, exactly? Again, all I’m really getting here is that he has some slight authority over her, and that she MAY have some semi-romantic feelings for him. If you weren’t reminding us that they are vampires, I would assume it had something to do with a business presentation. There’s no stress, urgency, confusion, etc.
Well, I guess I should stop here. You may think that all the above means that I didn’t like the story or characters, but actually I would really like MORE story and MORE about your characters! The stuff about the guy burning her house is like a tease, I’m all like “AWWW, COME ON! THIS GUY’S A FIRE INSPECTOR AND HE’S OUT THERE BURNING PEOPLE’S HOUSES DOWN!!! WHAT’S UP WITH THAT??”
I hope that this is helpful to you. Please feel free to let me know if you have any questions.
~ yours in Chaos, Scarlett
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