I was looking for more feedback on the actual work not telling me what I wrote about.
Poetry / Insomnia
Call me at night when the moon is bright
And the lights are dark all around you
When sleep has lost you to waked things
And the days events bombard you
We'll make tea and talk of things unknown
Like old friends that have never parted
Saying things that old friends do
Remembering now how the friendship started
As your head falls heavy upon your pillow
And your voice trails to a whispered goodnight
I gentley whisper rested dreams my friend
A single kiss blown to the wind
In hopes that it finds you tonight.
-DLCW
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Perlandria reviewed Version 2 -
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Very descriptive and well written. It left me as a reader wondering, about the parameters of this old friend.. whispers and all.. is this a lost love? If so or not.. perhaps there is a way you could present that in another stanza.. that mentions some of these memories.. you’d revisit?
Just a suggestion.. overall a really nice read, well thought through from start to finish. Thanks for sharing!
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OresteseViera reviewed Version 2 -
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Overall the poem is very nice and very peaceful and caring. I like how it tells a story, and I particularly liked the first paragraph. Excellent work!
vampyre_girl13 reviewed Version 2 -
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“Remembering how the friendship strted” is, I think, a nice way of telling your friend you still think of them, “A single kiss blown to the wind In hopes that it finds you tonight” to me shows that you also still care for your friend. I think it’s, overall, like telling your friend you miss him/her, and that they are doing alright.
Lalifufu reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! Good job, this is a beautiful poem. It’s almost perfect… The ‘waked’ in Line 3 grated me a bit, I’d change it to ‘awaken’ or ‘wakeful’. And line 8, why not say “remembering how our friendship started.” The ‘now’ seems redundant. L9 – should be falls heavily. L11 – spelling mistake – gently.
Favourite lines – L4, whole second stanza and the last 4 lines. L10 (excellent!)
SultryPoet reviewed Version 2 -
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I would like to say that I enjoyed this piece. It flowed very well for me. It reminded me of a friendship I have. My favorite lines were:
“Call me at night when the moon is bright
And the lights are dark all around you”
I enjoyed the imagery you portrayed.
Continue to write, i see you becoming even greater.
Sammi :)
Trina reviewed Version 2 -
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Insomnia…now that is inspiration!
I am immediately drawn in by that first strong and magical stanza. It is really good!! The internal rhyme of the first line is beautiful and the whole stanza seems to set the tone for a structured rhyme scheme. I am surprised when the 2nd stanza doesn’t follow suit. This of course is just me but my suggestion would go like this:
“We’ll make tea and talk of things
Like friends who’ve never parted
Saying things that old friends do
About how friendship started”
This change would follow the same pattern of the 1st stanza and make it cohesive (although some would differ with me and say i was being too structured so I guess it is all your preference in the end.
The poem as a whole has such a lovely message and i think it is so beautiful. Thank you for letting me take a peek at it!
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