Interesting others think should be conclusion too and I am working backwards in the ideas and so it starts purposely as so. I am at an end of one journey and begin another as well but definitely needs work and inputs are being taken to heart. Thank you.
Non-fiction / First Chapter autobiography
In the years gone by and lost, I’ve found myself at crossroads over and over but still pushing forward even when the world did not want me to push. Recently, I returned to school to gain perspective and motivation for a better place in life, and I found that it is less fruitful than I had previously imagined. In all honesty, I went to prove something to myself. Perhaps to recoup the years lost but mostly because I thought it was the right thing to do and that I would not only be a better person but more fortunate one as well. After all, that is the promise of institutionalized learning and higher education. It is what separates success from failure, so they say.
From the earliest memories of my life, I had usually seen myself as fearless and a bit resourceful. Though, time and time again I am realizing that definitions of my achievements are just thin attempts or works in progress. I am consistently bombarded by life’s intrusions. It has run me into the ground on several occasions and I do manage to pick myself up and brush off the dirt and trod along. Often just standing on my own two feet would be enough to help me see there is light in the distance. However today, I am just looking for a foot in the door. Not necessarily a full invitation but a place in the world to assist in the remarkable grand scale production called life.
Therefore, it is necessary to rewind and untangle the ties that bind me. In my efforts I’ve tried to weave my own pathway to intersect like my own DNA but just like a nucleic acid molecule, I cannot remain detached from living. Although, I’ve walked dirt trails in my youth and foreign alleyways in my adulthood. I had those times, as brief as they were, when life had structure. Unfortunately, in-between those years, I could usually be found walking back and forth down solitary corridors with closed doors, ironically because they were locked. Those days were also when my heart remained closed and perhaps blocking passage to the oxygen I so desperately needed then. Within my neediness, I wanted only one love.
Once a nobody, the small sum of me makes me somebody and the part of me that’s lying can’t deny the truth. The truth is I am a certified and bonafide walking contradiction. Yet, I can’t stop being a conduit for all that I’ve seen and experienced. Over time I’ve come to accept it and embrace it because truthfully I wouldn’t be as intricately woven into the American patchwork that makes up this country if I denied my past. The future is still open to interpretation. Sadly, reality seeps in and wakens my sleeping soul for time waits for no man. For some believe the saying that time heals all wounds, I can’t help but wonder why my own injuries are still raw and bare, as if the flesh never healed but it has and what's more my injured heart has been anointed by love.
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Lalifufu reviewed Version 1 -
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You’ve got some beautiful imagery and descriptions here (injured heart anointed by love, open wounds still raw and bare, bombarded by life’s intrusions etc) but, to be completely honest and to the point, you didn’t draw me in. I’m not sure what these intrusions are that have consistently bombarded you – you haven’t told the reader or even hinted at any of the hardships you have faced. I get the sense that a lot of it has to do with business, but this is an assumption on my part.
Your first paragraph needs to be punchier and it needs to set the scene for what is to come. You have started writing it in a reflective way – looking back at your life in retrospect. Show us where you are now, what’s wrong, and then your following paragraphs can explain how you got to this place.
For example, in your first sentence, you say you’ve been at a crossroads many times in your life. As a reader, I want you to be specific. Why not tell us about the crossroads you find yourself in now. Where do both of these paths (or many paths) go? What does the one trail look like in comparison to the other? Think of Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Not Taken”. That’s a great place to start – it draws the reader in. Then you can start talking about the dirt trails and foreign alleyways you walked in your youth that ultimately brought you to the crossroads you find yourself at now.
In a nutshell, be specific, set the scene early on and be clearer. Show, don’t tell. And remember, that even though this is a biography, you can still exaggerate and use poetic justice to bend and twist the truth. Juice it up a little.
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Zoltan reviewed Version 1 -
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This is far too convolutred for a first chapter. While some of the imagery is rich and the writing compelling, these need to be spaced out. The first chapter (and more importantly, paragraph) need to draw the reader in.
Start more abstractly, perhaps at a single anectode or experience. As it is, this reads less like a 1st chapter and more like a conclusion.
That being siad, I think it’s a promising start. Keep woring and you may have something!
gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
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Comments:I love the idea that you are expressing here. The idea that you are searching for “a foot in the door.” Most biographies I’ve read starts because the person did something awe inspiring. But this take of it, really drew me in.
Suggestion: For a biography I don’t get a sense of who you are. I don’t get if you’re young old, man or woman, or even if you are a Mars alien. I understand that this is the beginning of your story, however the rule of story telling still stands true, why should I care about the character? You’ve given me a bunch of generic information. How have you seen yourself fearless and resourceful and how did that get torn down? You have a bunch of telling and not showing and it doesn’t draw the reader in. I would start with an action scene. Perhaps the first day you went back to school, the confidence you had to prove something to yourself. Describe that. Also, your first line, “In the years gone by and lost” is cliche and doesn’t draw the reader in. My main suggestion is to start this off with an action scene.
kizzykat reviewed Version 1 -
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The style isn’t boring, but it is a little vague. For example, in the opening sentence, you’ve found yourself “at crossroads over and over but still pushing forward”. But forward to what? What were the dilemmas that caused you to hesitate in your journey through life? What were you pushing towards?
You obviously know what you are talking about, but the reader doesn’t. I think you need to give a few more facts in order to give a framework to help with the interpretation of your view of the world, and what makes you see it this way. For example, the only facts you’ve given us are that you recently entered school, you’ve walked dirt trails, and you’re American. Age? Sex? What are you studying? Why? What do you mean by a better place in life? A better emotional place, or a better job?
I think you need to ask yourself why you are writing this and what the message is in order to draw the reader in more. What is it that you have to say that would want them to know more, which hopefully is the reason for reading an autobiography.
bickle reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
Well… If you are asking, “Can I construct a sentence?” the answer is completely… a yes! Do you draw the reader in? I would have to say, with the amount you have posted, I was not really bothered about the narrator and my “Juices” were not really stirred.
I understand that this “person” was having some form of mid-life crisis and now required a reflection of a seemingly wasted existence and a carthartic moment was in the wings.
I would certainly read more, if you were to post more. You have a grasp of the written word, so would say, it would be worth more investment.
None of what I have said is from a negative tip, I am being honest and do not mean to offend. You have talent and I just wanted more.
Thanks
braedonis reviewed Version 1 -
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These opening paragraphs drew me in only because i didn’t understand the first paragraph. Although I understood the words, it was not clear to me where the writer is in present tense. In an institution? I would be more inspired to read on if i knew where the writer is tangibly, as in details about oneself in an active way, not passive.
TerJa reviewed Version 1 -
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You asked several things and I’ll try to cover them all. Do I want to understand more? Yes, you have given enough to make me wonder about the events which you hint at in this piece. Is it the begining of a book? Well, maybe. I don’t have enough info to know if there is sufficent material to warrent a book as opposed to a long article.
Ypu also asked about the flow and the style. They are relataed and it is here thaat I see the biggest drawback to what you are writing. Sometimes your sentences get away from you and become quite awkward. For example:
“I could usually be found walking back and forth down solitary corridors with closed doors, ironically because they were locked.”
First – you can not wolk “back and forth” down anything. If you are walking down you are walking down. I’d suggest changing it to saying “--walking up and down solitarty-—.”
Second- there is nothing “ironic” about a closed door being locked. In fact it has to be closed to be locked. The whole sentence might read better as “I could usually be found walking up and down solitarty corridors, unable to enter any of the rooms because the doors were all locked.” I think that was your intent way.
I’ll be glad to go over the rest of this in a message so it doesn’t cost you anything. Let me know.
As I said, I am intersteed enough to want to know more.
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you may want to consider dividing the opening sentence into two.
“In the years gone by and lost, I’ve found myself at crossroads. Over and over, but still pushing forward, even when the world did not want me to push.” Excuse the line reading, but as it stands there is too much information for the reader to digest. ”and lost” is the pivotal emotion. It disappears when trying to take in the balance of the longer sentence.
”...bit resourceful. Though, time and time again… Either put a comma after resourceful, or eliminate after “Though”. As written is is grammatically incorrect.
This has a good story line and narrative tone, from the POV I think it does draw the reader in. But your command of the craft needs work. I think you have a great deal of natural talent that still requires discipline. You simply have to write everyday and learn what good sentence structure is. The reader must truest the narrator, and instinctively will not trust a faulty voice. This is not to insult you, but an agent or publisher would not be interested in this piece at the moment no matter how interesting the subject. All that aside, I think you have something to say. Best of luck with it.
dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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...several occasions and I do manage to pick myself up and brush off the dirt and trod along. – ’...several occasions, but I do manage to pick myself up, brush off the dirt and trod along.’ It runs smoother if you take out all the ‘and’
Often just – Often[, ] just
However today, – However[, ] today
In my efforts I’ve – In my efforts[, ] I’ve
to intersect like my own DNA – I’m stumbling on this sentence very much. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t even know what you are trying to say here.
Although, I’ve walked – This isn’t a complete statement.
needed then – discard ‘then’
I wanted only one love – Is this person having more than one love? Is this person tired of the amounts of men/women he/she has been involved in? Did you mean ‘I wanted only one, love’? One of what though? One person to love? One person to love him/her?
Once a nobody, the small – This seems to be cut off. ‘Once a nobody, always a nobody’ kind of statement?
accept it and embrace it - ‘accept and embrace it’ – what is he/she accepting and embracing, contradiction?
This is a little mundane. I’m not sure where you are going with this. I found myself stumbling and I’m confused about what this person is seeking. Is he/she seeking love, fulfillment? It’s interesting and I do want to understand more though. This needs some polishing though.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Your writing is very articulate but as the start of an autbiography, i wonder. Should you be stating the sum of your parts so early on? By this, i mean should you tell the reader all you have learned in life so soon. Wouldn’t it be better to do this in the end and at the beginning tell the reader how you come to realize all you have recorded?
‘DNA but just like a nucleic acid molecule” I don’t know if i would start out with such a complicated analogy. You might consider who will be reading your book. I found myself stumbling over this and i feel other readers might, as well. Analogies and metaphors are great but make the comparisons a little simpler, maybe. A scientist might like this abstract but a regular housewife would balk at reading it. I found this interesting and would read more if it were a little more simplified.
“Those days were also when my heart remained closed and perhaps blocking passage to the oxygen I so desperately needed then.” Look at this metaphor. It sounds like a heart attack. How about, My heart remained closed to those who knocked on its steel chamber. The key word “steel” paints a picture of a hardened heart. I would go through this and look at my metaphors and make them plainer. I would love to see how certian happenings in your life made you the person you are today. Good luck, hope i have helped. Sandi
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