I agree, this does need one more stanza.
Poetry / filled with space
From selfish needs a distraction hatches;
this childish crisis to catalyze my doubt.
Wrenching questions eroding our foundation;
as frost creeps, opaquely shading windows.
I abandon my self respect regretfully;
watching this open sore blossom.
Widely dilated my missing skin abscesses;
blisters fill up with interrupted intentions.
When I found myself infected,
by repetition I was convinced,
to be filled with only empty space,
tossed and purchased anew.
Desiring a fire for inspiration,
I light this spark to start again -
A brilliant burst between my halves;
a light vitalizing daybreak inside.
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JBShadowrose reviewed Version 2 -
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One of the first things I thought while reading this piece was the excessive amount of significant words. The first two stanzas was hard to read through smoothly, though it eases up with the last two. Simple words can sometimes be the most powerful, never forget that ;)
Either way, I liked this piece. I also love how you compared the first and last stanzas with comparisons; the “shadows” in the first, then “daybreak” in the last. Very powerful references for this poem.
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thegonzobordello reviewed Version 2 -
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I would first like to say that I enjoyed the use of visualization very much. You use the technique quite well. The poem itself strikes me as someone who is just starting to go through their mid-life crisis. I would imagine this being the thought process prior to buying that shiny new Porsche. The first two lines:
“From selfish needs a distraction hatches;
this childish crisis to catalyze my doubt.”
set the theme for me. The selfish needs is the desire to be young again and to do everything the individual wanted to do when they were young, and the distraction which hatches from those needs could be the materialistic aspects such as the new car or spending money on things like skydiving etc.
Another stanza that made me feel that this was about a mid-life crisis was:
“When I found myself infected,
by repetition I was convinced,
to be filled with only empty space,
tossed and purchased anew.”
Repetition referring to the daily 9-5 grind, and “tossed and purchased anew” referring to disregarding the old life and starting a new more youthful one.
Overall it is a very good piece of work, one of the better ones I’ve read in a while.
Chasness reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the word usage, but I’m not sure where you are going with this. It starts as a caution to everyone, then changes to introspection, then sounds as if it’s about the end of a relationship. Or maybe that’s how I interpret it. I suggest making it longer so as to understand what you are speaking of.
derekosborne reviewed Version 2 -
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Nice level of diction. I got that a poet was at work but did not comprehend much upon first reading. You established a certain tension and authority so I read it again. Its a nice puzzle, upon each reading I get more.
I do question your use of semi-colons. For that matter, all the punctuation is suspect. Probably flat out wrong, but the phrasing is there and it works.
Only image that gave me trouble was “lighting a spark”. Which came first, the spark or the light? Last two line are excellent.
AprilWriter reviewed Version 2 -
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There are few good images that linger in my mind:
“Wrenching questions eroding our foundation;
as frost creeps, opaquely shading windows.”
“A brilliant burst between my halves;”
I liked this line for its clever use of alliteration.
this childish crisis to catalyze my doubt.
Even after several reads of the poem, I wasn’t sure what it was about. I like the way the language sounds (especially out loud) but the two main metaphors
of the narrator as a house and the narrator as a diseased body confused me/ and I wasn’t sure what the writer was getting at.
What needs are distracting him/her?
Why are they like an infection?
Why do they require the loss of self respect?
What does the narrator regret?
How is this desire resolved?
Maybe I am just missing something? I don’t know. Great use of language anyway.
AngelRain reviewed Version 2 -
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This poem is beautiful, but it may need a bit of simplifying for others to understand. Everything makes sense but the missing skin abscessing part. Are you trying to distance yourself from your doubt or where does the empty space part come in? Is it burying emotions or pretending they dont exist? That part needs more detail.
kaffkomm reviewed Version 2 -
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Nice, you really have some compelling imagery here, like “A brilliant burst between my halves,” for example. I feel that perhaps the imagery was the most important thing for you to express here, yet, your descriptive language is what sometimes drags down the poem. Such phrases as “Widely dilated my missing skin abscesses” seem a little gratuitous, and the image of “opaquely shading windows” seems redundant to me. You have a strong idea here, I can tell, but it’s being lost in lagnuage. Try pruning a little to give the poem more message and less symbolism.
TerJa reviewed Version 2 -
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If I got it right, this as about fighting to overcome depression. I think it does it well. The few times in my own life when I have been in a deep depression could very well mirror your first twelve lines. Nothing mattered, not self respect, the opionions of others, or even personal hygiene.
Yet, as your last four lines show, somewhere within our selves are the seeds to normalcy. The “spark” to start again.
The only line which gave me any trouble was “blisters fill up with interrupted intentions.” I don’t know what that means. How do “interrupted intentions” fill anything?
Still, a good piece. Glad I read it.
marebarr reviewed Version 2 -
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Nice. The only thing I would consider is “eroding our foundation”. Seems like it should be “the” or my, or “a”. because the rest of it is “my”.
brialliant burst is great. so is interrrupted intentions.
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 2 -
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Widely dilated my missing skin abscesses, did you perhaps mean Widely dilated by missing skin abscesses? Or Widely dilated, my missing skin abscesses. As your body can’t really DO an abscess per se.
I’d fix this one line then the rest of the poem is just rather wow. Obviously you have a huge and varied command of the english language “as frost creeps, opaquely shading windows” was a really beautiful line that left me rather speechless.
Evidently you’ve been practicing poetry for quite some time, your command on rhythm and flow is to be admired, and in all lines you let it flow like a river into the next. The only line that hindered this was the abscess one, which is currently throwing off the rhythm of the rest, jump on this straight away and the rest is beautiful.
Was it about a love? Some of the lines just seem reminiscent of Used up love, and being thrown away, then finding new love again. If I’m far off track, let me know :-)
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