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Poetry / filled with space
From selfish needs a distraction hatches;
this childish crisis to catalyze my doubt.
Wrenching questions eroding our foundation;
as frost creeps, opaquely shading windows.
I abandon my self respect regretfully;
watching this open sore blossom.
Widely dilated my missing skin abscesses;
blisters fill up with interrupted intentions.
When I found myself infected,
by repetition I was convinced,
to be filled with only empty space,
tossed and purchased anew.
Desiring a fire for inspiration,
I light this spark to start again -
A brilliant burst between my halves;
a light vitalizing daybreak inside.
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oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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Hi J.
as frost creeps, opaquely shading windows.” Love the “opaquely” but i am not crazy about the image of frost creeping. You know frost just kinds lays there.
As frost shimmers silver and opaque, upon my window.
watching this open sore blossom.
Widely dilated my missing skin abscesses;
Is this contradictory? Sore and abscesses are pretty much the same thing. If the sore is open then it is not missing.
Perhaps you could take out the second line or say, watching this open sore blossom into a festering abcess. Would this make more sense. I am trying to see the meataphor. Perhaps you can explain it. It might be just me.
You know i luv ya. Your poetry is unique and as far as i am concerned you are the king of the metaphor, however i was a little mystified on some of these images. I love abstract but i think( and remember how little i know about poetry)that concrete and abstract should compliment each other to create meaning. I have suggested some things here. Nevertheless i love the poem. Sandi
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Perfect_Shadow15 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked the graphic adjectives that you used and how you indirectly stated things rather than just straight out saying something. It makes the reader think and I really appreciate that. Some poets think they have to be direct with their work and they don’t believe that readers should have to think; but I believe that’s what makes poetry so great. It stimulates the brain and makes you think. I love this! You’re very talented. Keep writing
stefykg reviewed Version 1 -
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I like your depth and imagery. Some of your lines kind of rhyme it threw me off a bit but not much to worry about I don’t think. I like it. I think there might need to be a bit more obvious of an objective for this poem though.
DallasS reviewed Version 1 -
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Very very nice work! I loved all the great adjectives that you picked out and used. You can definitely be published one day in my opinion…
robinonettey reviewed Version 1 -
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Bravo. THese are great revisions! I think this poem is complete. It flows beautifully, a little halting—as it should be. The end is still strong, resonant. The comma there in the last line bothers me, seems unneeded. A comma on every line in the last stanza. THe slant rhyme between flesh/abscess was minimally distracting (probably because I am close reading).
Olive147 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really good. I love this line-regretfully I found myslef; Infected with need-
this is so creative and just perfect.
There was one line that didn’t really make sense to me-Repetition convinced- Is it repetition that convinces someone, or is the repetition the one who is convinced? I don’t know, it just wasn’t very clear to me.
that was the only thing I could find, other than that great work…keep it up
Paul_Archer reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the density of the self-analysis. The movement from crisis to hope of improvement. I wonder though if this density and movement can be tightened further. For example your first line presents a conclusion, but we haven’t seen how that insight has been gained. However when the idea of selfish need occurs for the second time in S3 we feel that it is more hard-won and we are being presented with it in the right place in the poem. S2 has the idea of the past self being torn off which is a vivid image, but you don’t need to express the image with both open sore and abscess – just pick one, maybe the latter. And I’m not sure that ‘abandoned’ is the right verb here when it’s followed by this image, if something is abandoned does it develop into an abscess? Perhaps a more physical verb (like torn away) may be more appropriate?
It may just be me, but I’m foxed by the last two lines of S3. How can repetition be convinced? What does ‘convinced’ mean here?
I like the last stanza a lot. For some reason I got the image of rubbing two sticks (the two halves) together to make a fire by friction. Certainly there seems to be a lot of friction going on which sparked the fire of poetry so well done!
CoryPea reviewed Version 2 -
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The last two lines were great, “A brilliant burst between my halves;
a light vitalizing daybreak inside.” It was a great way to capture the rest of the feeling of your poem. I think if you experimented with some different line breaks, or possibly formatting the work a bit differently, it could make it even more attention grabbing. Your word usage was wonderful, and even your opening line was inspirational, it made me want to write… and I like that feeling.
DramaGeek reviewed Version 1 -
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Well written, well formed. Very structured and eloquent. I like the part about “I know a fire could burn again.” It’s a good way to describe emotion. Keep up the good work.
Liasonwithtragedy reviewed Version 2 -
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I Like this attempt at criticizing one’s self through the analyzation of an introvert’s perspective. Your vocabulary is rich and wilted with a set of metaphors that are diverse and yet concise. I suggest you connect the stanzas and make the poem one, Think Ginsberg and his poem ‘howl’-cheerio
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