frustration is the undertone which you picked up on quickly. The greater message of the loss of passion in life was missed, which likely means you are correct; this poem is missing something to convey my message.
Poetry / filled with space
From selfish needs a distraction hatches;
this childish crisis to catalyze my doubt.
Wrenching questions eroding our foundation;
as frost creeps, opaquely shading windows.
I abandon my self respect regretfully;
watching this open sore blossom.
Widely dilated my missing skin abscesses;
blisters fill up with interrupted intentions.
When I found myself infected,
by repetition I was convinced,
to be filled with only empty space,
tossed and purchased anew.
Desiring a fire for inspiration,
I light this spark to start again -
A brilliant burst between my halves;
a light vitalizing daybreak inside.
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Olive147 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really good. I love this line-regretfully I found myslef; Infected with need-
this is so creative and just perfect.
There was one line that didn’t really make sense to me-Repetition convinced- Is it repetition that convinces someone, or is the repetition the one who is convinced? I don’t know, it just wasn’t very clear to me.
that was the only thing I could find, other than that great work…keep it up
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May reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh, how frustrating stagnation can be. At least, that’s what I got out of it, which made the split between your halves kind of an unexpected surprise. Now I’m wondering if that’s an unexplored additional theme, or if I really misunderstood the tone of the entire piece. I mean, I’ve definitely felt stagnation mixed in with a profound inner conflict, but if that’s what you’re trying to get at you might be looking at a longer poem. Actually I think it could be pretty amazing if it was about twice as long. But otherwise… I would just as easily drop that split halves line.
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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The re-write is much tighter and the images are sharper in this version. Sometimes re-writes result in heavy-handed work but I don’t think that’s the case here. Good job.
stefykg reviewed Version 1 -
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I like your depth and imagery. Some of your lines kind of rhyme it threw me off a bit but not much to worry about I don’t think. I like it. I think there might need to be a bit more obvious of an objective for this poem though.
quietrushesback reviewed Version 1 -
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“Infected with need.” I love that line. I also like the layout of four four-line stanzas. It works well for this poem. Altogether, I think this is a very good piece.
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 1 -
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Hmmm. It was a good read- enhanced by the last two stanzas.Do especially liketh3e image of the frost creeping up the window. A delightful image. The relationship growing colder.
The only word I have a “problem” with is “our” room- until I reread it and understood that you meant your two halves room. OOH you made me think!
October_Rain reviewed Version 1 -
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Ah man, love it but I felt disappointed. The stanzas fit so well but I kept thinking this poem needs some rhyme. If you could rhyme the second and fourth lines of each stanza while keeping the same length this would be a ten.
DramaGeek reviewed Version 1 -
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Well written, well formed. Very structured and eloquent. I like the part about “I know a fire could burn again.” It’s a good way to describe emotion. Keep up the good work.
DallasS reviewed Version 1 -
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Very very nice work! I loved all the great adjectives that you picked out and used. You can definitely be published one day in my opinion…
robinonettey reviewed Version 1 -
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Bravo. THese are great revisions! I think this poem is complete. It flows beautifully, a little halting—as it should be. The end is still strong, resonant. The comma there in the last line bothers me, seems unneeded. A comma on every line in the last stanza. THe slant rhyme between flesh/abscess was minimally distracting (probably because I am close reading).
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