Poetry / Wondering (draft)

Open this Pandora's box;

I'm full of light and static

knowing what's beneath the lid.

My rusty brain had all but

shut it out, but now

I think I might see again.

The sky was once so wide

and alive with stars or so

elastic, for miles of

beliefs, ideas, dreams.

I envision myself

at a fork in the road, on

the jutting cliff

from which I want to dive

into the mouth of the universe.

I want to show you this feeling,

the way things can be,

the utter possibility.

If I can see these mirrored

castles, these

crumbling streets

through new eyes

(through your eyes)

I could know myself

as the poet, again; as

the sparkling, full glass

of champagne; as

the night owl

poring over words,

over art, over

thoughts entangled.

I could see

and dance again,

through clouds,

through space

and the fragility of night.

If I could be young again

see through young eyes

and witness what could be,

could I love

this world, this

whole city

once more?

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Reviews

July 03, 2009

oknapp

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1455	82.1% (587 votes)	63.4%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
47	F	Salem, IN	November 21

oknapp reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

May i ask why some words are capitalized at the begining of each sentence and why some are not. This is inconsistent. It might be better to either capitalize or no.
knowing what’s beneath the lid.

My rusty brain had all but

shut it out, but now

I think I might see again.

“Knowing and shutting something out” are two different things. The poem almost seems contradictory. Perhaps you could take out the line where you say “knowing what is underneath the lid.” You have already said your brain has shut it out.
Rusty brain could mean anything. The meaning is too wide. My cobwebbed brain, my sleeping brain, the cue words i have just mentioned gives the writer a clue that the mind has been shut up for a long time.
You have nice images here, but many fail to complimant the other. For instance,

I envision myself
“at a fork in the road, on
the jutting cliff”

This metaphor doesn’t work. One cannot be a fork in the road and on a jutting cliff, too. Unless of course a cliff has a fork in a said road. Do you see what i mean? I would leave out the fork in the road and just go ahead and dive from the cliff into the mouth of the universe which is a nice line. You want to create images or juxtapositions that go together. Too many different images strung out causes the reader to lose interest. The rest of the poem fare’s pretty well. The above i have metioned needs work i think, but then that is one writers opinion. Sandi