Poetry / Vigilance

but ah ! a touch of the romantic period young man , sublime ! the classic verse is within you , keep writing and u will develop gracefully ; nice to see this type of poetry hasn’t gone by the wayside !!! very nicely crafted … read more of the classics , such as Teasdale , Millay , Byron , Poe , to mention a few , whereas , one can greatly learn and develop !

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July 19, 2009

by jokaking

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
59	80.6% (36 votes)	34.7%

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23	M	Hollywood, FL	September 29

never got to say thanks, you get a lot of criticism and sometimes you get some praise, thanks for the praise, it’s encouraging after being critically critized a few times lol… peace and blessings…

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The clarity, imagery, and flow all work well. Yet, the ending disconnected me.  

Perhaps, try wording the last four lines in a way that bring the rest to a cumulative point rather than fading out, such as:

Through my eyes I’ve seen it all

change to: Through my eyes, all this I’ve seen

And still I wonder what lies ahead

change to: Yet, what lies ahead I can not know

Many more sightings to behold

change to: Much more to behold, until I am weaned

Upon this lifelong path I tread

change to: Forward, on thru my lesson, I go.

Just suggestions but you get the idea.
Decent work, Donna

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July 07, 2009

by jokaking

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
59	80.6% (36 votes)	34.7%

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23	M	Hollywood, FL	September 29

The last person said the same thing so I know it really needs to be changed :)  thanks for reading and reviewing… peace and blessings

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Well everything flowed elegantly along till the very last stanza.  I thought it could have a little more punch.  I did like the way you’ve worked the rhyme scheme and that’s hard to do.  In addition love the duality of your word choices, like in the second stanza.  It is personal but very universal in whats here and that’s very good work.  I would say it is publishable except for the last stanza for some reason it just doesn’t hold as much.  I do realize you are basically signing your name to it in the end but that leaves the reader to expect a young person as well as less experienced that the person throughout the whole poem- a very wise one.  Good luck.  

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July 06, 2009

by jokaking

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
59	80.6% (36 votes)	34.7%

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23	M	Hollywood, FL	September 29

Much appreciation for the review, I’ll take the notes into consideration especially the part about the name at the end thing… peace and blessings… much respect…

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A simple edit:

“I’ve seen historical events
Both of elation and desolation alike
I’ve seen two tremendous towers fall
From the blows of two powerful strikes”

Cut the above stanza. It’e the only one which makes explicit reference to an event and it destroys the lucid, dreamlike quality that the poem builds leading to it. It’s also the only stanza which doesn’t meet your rhyme scheme. (Except for the embarrasing half-rhyme of alike and strikes.) If you like it too much to cut it, re-work it or use it in something else.

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July 05, 2009

by jokaking

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
59	80.6% (36 votes)	34.7%

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23	M	Hollywood, FL	September 29

cool review, I’ll see what I can think of to change it… thanks much… ez

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