Really the kind of review I was looking for in terms of the message and who’s speaking. Your review was generous and hope that I can build on all the advice. I have rethought everything out and will just write for the time being and get the story out…go back and include the more poetic imagery that I have in my head 24/7. Thank you truly.
Non-fiction / First Chapter Autobiography revise
Looking back, I’ve found myself traveling and traversing in a zigzag pattern. I had searched a long while for a map with definition and I’m not talking a full blown up atlas but a colorful sketch with different tints and hues. So, it is necessary to rewind and untangle the ties that bind the long drawn out account of my life. It used to be just a grid that spanned from point A to point B. In my efforts, I’ve tried to weave my own point in time to crisscross and intersect with society, much like my own personal strands of DNA. Perhaps it’s because it is the key component that’s universal in all living things. Over the years though, I’ve become less diseased, so concurrently I cannot remain detached from living. Therefore, I must begin to release the long-term storage of my own pathology and pathogens.
In my sickness, there’s been a state of confusion that’s rested tirelessly and dragged me down for so long that has finally begun to unravel. It now sits like yarn needing to be rolled into a ball. I had times, as brief as they were, when my life had standard structure as shapes, color and images would come to light. Unfortunately, in-between those years, I could usually be found walking up and down solitary and soundless corridors confined by closed doors, oddly because they were locked. Those days were also when my heart remained closed and perhaps blocking passage to the oxygen I so desperately needed then. Within my neediness, I wanted only one love.
From the earliest memories of my life, I had usually seen myself as fearless and a bit resourceful. My initial days in Los Angeles, where I spent much of my time freely walking around, I had an inclination of how the world works. I remember when I would intensely focus on kicking a Weeble Wobble around my block of the neighborhood. The old commercial jingle would ring in my head, “Weebles’ wobble but they don’t fall down…” and I would kick that toy wondering what it was all about. I watched that thing pop back up every single time I kicked it and scientifically it was true to its promise. The weeble wobbled, spun around, teetered and tottered but never laid down and it got its fair share of scuffs. So, theoretically, I couldn’t disprove the mania because that round, bottom heavy, egg shaped toy never wavered from its advertisement. In speculation, I was told I was four years old at the time. It was 1973, two years after the toy debuted.
Yet, in the decades that’s gone by and lost, I find myself at crossroads, once more. Over and over, but I still push forward, even when the world does not want me to push. Recently, I returned to school to gain perspective and motivation for a better place in the world, it’s been less fruitful than I had previously imagined. In all honesty, I went to prove something to myself. Perhaps to recoup the years lost, but mostly because I thought it was the right thing to do, and not only would it make me a better person but a more fortunate one as well. After all, that is the promise of institutionalized learning and higher education. It is what separates success from failure, so they say.
Unfortunately, I am realizing that the definitions of my achievements are just thin attempts or works in progress. However, I am consistently bombarded by life’s intrusions. It has run me into the ground on several occasions, but I do manage to pick myself up, brush off the dirt and trod along. Often, just standing on my own two feet would be enough to help me see there is light in the distance. Nevertheless, I am just looking for a foot in the door. Not necessarily a full invitation but a place in the world to assist in the remarkable, grand scale production called life. A production that requires creative collaboration and something that materializes with hard work. But, real life can be confined and coerced with distinctive rules and not everyone plays equally or fairly.
Returning to childhood belongings, I remember how the board game, LIFE resonated with me as splendid days when my friends and I competed and strived to collect a husband and children. Of course, they were made up of little blue or pink plastics pegs. The rules were simple and the path the wheel allowed offered choices. The first rule was everyone got a car right off the bat. It usually seated six, so if you had more than 4 children you had to have another car follow you across the board. The second rule was deciding if you were going to college or start a career and clearly attending college was the more expensive choice and a longer path to take but one that paid out in the long run, if you played your cards right. If a player choose and drew a career card, they’d get a salary according to the career they got. The college student was given $40,000 to start right away, unlike the career player. In 1960, the career was called “business”, with a $5,000 salary, each payday, and the college route earned the player, $6000 to $50,000, each payday. Almost five decades later in the “real” world, the news states that the average college student can potentially earn $1,000,000 dollars more than someone who never went to college. The incentives are profoundly and vastly different from the craze of the board game that was distinctly original with its three dimensional landscape with model scaled buildings and mountainous terrains.
Historically, Milton Bradley created the first Life game called The Checkered Game of Life in 1860. He had been a lithographer and most known for his portrait of Abraham Lincoln without a beard. (History.com) The original board was one dimensional and resembled a checker board game with a MC Escher effect. Looking at it, the tapestry is too familiar and not far from the world I lived in. Escher, as an artist often used two dimensional art with three dimensional visions and it was often highly abstract. His work was dominated by black and white and various shades of gray, which fascinated me when I was learning about artists. I certainly could relate to his intricacies and lack of colors, but there were always mathematical proportions. Later on in life, my view of the world was disproportioned and clouded by shades of gray. Escher always seemed to be able to find order in chaos and I admired his ability to explore the possibilities. While, I’ve been working on my own possible methods concerning trauma, stigmas and adversity, I’ve found myself with puppet strings cut, broken or unraveled but a puppet no more. Like Escher’s artwork, I’ve envisioned complexity within complicity. But, I’ve only dabbled in art and it’s been a while since I’ve done any real work. Reverting back to the board game, I’ve landed on the space called the Day of Reckoning, in the 1960’s LIFE game, where the player ends up in the poor house.
As I said already, in the past, I was a nobody and learned to live as such. Even so, a small sum, as well as the summary of my former life made me somebody today. So, the lies that I relied on for so long can no longer deny truth. With that being said, I can claim myself as certified and bonafide walking contradiction as well as a basket case. Nonetheless, I can’t stop being a conduit for all that I’ve seen and experienced. My own experiences have somehow touched and motivated me. Over time I’ve come to accept and embrace it because truthfully I wouldn’t be as intricately woven into the American patchwork of this nation if I denied my past. Thankfully, the future is still open to interpretation. Sadly though, reality is seeping in and wakening my sleeping soul and for now, I must return to what once was. Some say that time heals all wounds, I can’t help but wonder why my own injuries are still raw and bare, as if the flesh never healed but it has and what's more my injured heart has been anointed by love.
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Secbuzz reviewed Version 1 -
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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You say it’s necessary to rewind, but you start the sentence with ‘so’. This indicates that this sentence should explain the one before it, but it doesn’t. It furthers it. It gives us more info. I think the ‘so’ should go.
‘rolled into a ball’- rolled BACK into a ball, perhaps, as you unraveled it. Metaphorically speaking.
Again, I think ‘a bit resourceful’ weakens the image. Drop ‘a bit’.
‘that’s gone by’ – that have gone by
‘looking for a foot in the door’- I was wondering what you really want to do. What’s the actual job you’d most like? What job title? Then we’d get to know you, the narrator, a lot more.
I’d say ‘still broken and unravelled but a puppet no more’- it gives more contrast to what you’re saying.
You can’t ‘interpret’ the future, as it hasn’t happened yet. ‘a wealth of possibilities’, or a thousand other phrases, might fit well there.
You end with a line about love- this could mean many things, and as you haven’t mention a significant other, there aren’t many clues as to what else it could be.
The Life board game was a good inclusion as it is something we can imagine and see in our mind’s eye. A bit more context for the rest of the piece would lift it.
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marebarr reviewed Version 1 -
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This is great! I read your first pass at this and am so excited for you in this. You replaced some of the cliche with details, vivid, interesting details. You make the reader want to keep reading because of two things – first, we want to know what happened because enough of your genuine voice has come through, with some humility but also strength, that we care. Second, your details and visuals are interesting. It is a balancing act – enough professional distance so you can see it from the readers point of view (what will make them keep reading) yet enough voice and strength and vulnerablity. We want to know that you know where you are going, that even if we journey to a bad place with you that it will be ok.
ajodom reviewed Version 1 -
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I was intrigued by what I read. It had me wondering who you were, but at the same time I get the feeling that you sometime lose your focus. At least I see that in your writing. I think this could be really good, and I do love your writing style. I did a good job of keeping me entertained.
TerJa reviewed Version 1 -
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2nd paragraph – 1st line – “--so long that IT has-—“
” ” 2nd line – ” I’VE had times—-”
Your paragraph on the Weebel is interesting, but I don’t see why it is there. What does it add to your autobiography? The nest paragraph starts with you being at a crossroad “once more.” but when were you there before.
“--brush off the dirt and TRUDGE ---”
Enough picky stuff, let’s take on the who;e thing. You write well and have a good command of the language. However, sometimes you get off track. In the five pages that it took on Urbis you mention Weebels, the game of Life, Milton Braadly and MC Esher. However,I still know next to nothing about you. In fact, to sum up what I do know about you, you were born in 1969, you lived in LA when you were four, you are confused and conflicted, and maybe you are falling in love.
Information, I need to know more about you, it’s your story after all. Maybe Esher and all the rest fir in, but not so soon.
I hope this is some help, you write well so keep at it. ((blatant plug – take a look at the preface and first couple chapters on my book to see how I handled writing about myself.)
Kidatheartwriter reviewed Version 1 -
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What is your sickness? Is it a metaphorical sickness or physical; you don’t say that specifically. So far it reads okay, but you need to briefly tell/explain what you’re trying to say in certain places, otherwise, it’s not very clear.
In my sickness, there’s been a state of confusion that’s rested tirelessly and dragged me down for so long that has finally begun to unravel. What is this state of confusion? Need to emphasize.
You need to keep paragraphs of related themes together, such as the toy deal. You first talk about the toy and then work and then the toy again. I say look for all the related sentences/pghs and put them together or paraphrase with those related themes in one paragraph so they’re together. This eliminates confusion. I hope this is a good constructive review for you. Ohh, the clarity comes in being general with your thoughts; you don’t have to write like Nathanial Hawthorne or anyone for people to know you’re smart. People’ll still know you’re smart because you’re writing clearly enough for them to understand. Leave technical writing to a job; you’re writing for general public.
debbiedo2 reviewed Version 1 -
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Work on the first paragraph to draw readers into it. Once I got past the first part, I found it easy to read and understand. Uncomplicate the first part and let the reader know where you are going. Though I loved the imagery it doesnt seem to fit. Good work overall. I look forward to reading more. Thank you.
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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The writing is interesting, and in places quite poetic. I enjoyed the abstract images and metaphors you used throughout, but found some of them slightly frustrating.
The disease metaphor was a bit too mysterious for me; at this point I don’t know if the author is genuinely diseased. Are you using a genuine sickness as a metaphor for your life, or is the sickness pure metaphor?
The Weeble anecdote seemed to be pointing at the benefits of persistence, but fell short and seemed instead to be about the accuracy of advertising. That moral didn’t seem particularly relevant.
The game of Life and the Esher stuff was easy to follow and flowed into a natural narrative.
I found the tense and wording to be a challenge throughout. An autobiography has to be past tense by it’s nature but the “has been” instead of “was” makes the movement back and forth from perception now to events in the past fuzzy in places. Especially when you are referring backward to unclear events.
An example that applies in many places:
“In my sickness, there’s been a state of confusion that’s rested tirelessly and dragged me down for so long that has finally begun to unravel.”
I think it would read clearer this way :
“In my sickness, there was a state of confusion that tirelessly dragged me down[.] Finally, It has begun to unravel.” -some of this may just be my personal tastes, but “rested tirelessly” is an oxymoron and the sentence is fairly hard to follow.
Or:
“Sadly though, reality is seeping in and wakening my sleeping soul and for now, I must return to what once was.” -It is hard to see what exactly you are saying here Maybe:
“Sadly, as reality seeps in, it wakes my sleeping soul, and for now I must return from what could be to what once was.” Even here the mental time travel leaves the reader a bit jet lagged.
Seek and destroy these sticky sentences and you have a very readable first chapter. I would love to read more to solve some of the puzzles you have left and that is a great thing. Good work.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi fellow writer:
I don’t want you to get mad at me but i have a couple of suggestions that i think( and this is only my opinion) might make this a little more comprehensible. When you start out you talk about a map. i love the way you describe the color and hues but then you mention “ties that bind” which has nothing to do with a map. When you start an autobiograhpy you need to catch the reader’s attention not lose it. The ties that bind image seems to go off of the image your reader has formed of the map and the wonderful colors. Why don’t you keep on the subject of the map?
For instance: So it is necessary to follow the lines and the pattern of the said map, in order to find and trace the direction that my life has taken. Something like this perhaps?
there’s been a state of confusion that’s rested tirelessly and dragged me down for so long “that has finally begun to unravel.” see how this seems to be missing a subject?
“What” has begun to unravel? Please look at this sentence and make it more concise.
“confined by closed doors, oddly because they were locked” The reader can assume they are locked if the character is confined. You might look at this. It is a bit redundant.
”..shaped toy never wavered from its advertisement” Never wavered from the “promise” of its advertisement. Without the word “promise” the line is too general.
How old were you when you kicked the weeble around? The reader will want to know this.
I said this in the last review: You seem to be skipping around alot. You are writing about diffeent time periods and no doubt you were at different ages. You are giving the reader as synopsis and trying to cram to much in. Whatever happened to lines like, when i was eight years-old life was …. If you are going to write about yourself why not make a brief statement and then tell us where you lived and show us how life treated you and caused you to form these notions you have. You are the artist here and the paper is your canvass. Draw the reader a picture with images and color, time, place, and circumstance. You are an intelligent writer no doubt and i am sure your story is interesting. Don’t bog it down with the subliminal show us something concrete to go with these images. Good luck, Sandi
MisterP reviewed Version 1 -
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A writer should not be told what to write but there is scope for suggesting how someone else might put words down.
You like to use two verbs ‘travelling and traversing’, ‘rewind and untangle’ and ‘crisscross and intersect’. Just using one would be sufficient and improve the flow.
‘detached from living’ – did you mean from the living?
This piece jumps around and as such does not makes me, as a reader, feel that comfortable. I would therefore not want to read on. Having said that with a little attention I think this could be the start of something. As you are trying to capture your reader perhaps you might like to consider just focussing on early life, distant sepia toned memories that your reader can latch on to and feel themselves drawn into the main body of text.
Best of luck.
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