Poetry / poem 1

I did the best I could,
When my life first fell out of line,
I was at the point of surrender
I wasn’t forced I just came there
Some times I’m afraid
When I think of what could have been
Closing my eyes, letting go
Having a fresh start.
I payed my respect to the dead.
I sent my condolences to God.
I left my regrets to love,
Which was never ment for me
I said good bye to happiness,
Which was a fleeting feeling.
Kiss me good bye,
with all of the best intentions of this world.
Will you be alright, will you dream of me tonight.
Will you get the message to save yourself.
Can you tell me if your heart is beating tonight.
Are we alive or are we dead.
The vitals are there, but my body’s cold.
I’m looking for the answers .
But I will never find the answer.

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Reviews

July 08, 2009

jungsnkim

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
733	89.5% (143 votes)	19.7%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
40	F	Goleta, CA	November 22

jungsnkim reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

What a terrific start but I simply got lost after Kiss me goodbye,...the rest of the flow got completely interrupted into another poem altogether. I was admiring everything before that and then it somehow fell to pieces with the reference to “you”. Perhaps a line break would help but the message of losses ended up in a morality lesson about whether you’re alone or missing someone or what are we the reader to do about it. In the first person account you were bringing us the message and then it seems as though you got tired and then threw in our laps.

Lines I liked a lot:
I payed my respect to the dead.
I sent my condolences to God.
I left my regrets to love,
Which was never ment (meant/typo) for me
I said good bye to happiness,
Which was a fleeting feeling.

Well if you do a revise I’d like to see it. I wonder what title you’d have by then. Good luck.