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Short Story / Big Ernie's (Analysis)
BIG ERNIE’S
As she sat under the shade of her favorite tree, Diana picked up one of the rocks she had found and rolled it around in her hand. “What was going to unfold today?” she wondered.
Just then, Alex walked through the gate and into her backyard. Alex was Diana’s next-door neighbor.
“Hey, whatcha doin?” Alex asked. “Ready for today’s adventure? Let’s go explore Big Ernie’s Junkyard!”
“Big Ernie’s? I don’t think so. I’m not going in there! What if he catches us? We’ll be toast. No way!” Big Ernie was a man down the street who was always working on cars in his garage. Everyone was afraid of him. He never talked to anyone unless he was yelling at some kids and always had on a blue jumpsuit, which was covered with oil, dirt, and holes. Some kids say it’s an old uniform from the prison that he escaped from years ago. He was always muddy and supposedly smelled like old potatoes, though Diana had never gotten close enough to smell him and she didn’t really want to either.
“I found a secret way through the fence in the back. If Ernie is in his garage, he’ll never see us. We’ll be the talk of the town. The only kids to go in to Big Ernie’s yard! It’ll be great! We just have to make sure we bring something back to prove we did it!”
“Not this time Alex. You’re on your own!”
“Don’t be such a girl, we’re not gonna get caught. There is no way. Listen, we won’t even go in unless we see Ernie in his garage working. I promise. Come on Diana!”
Diana got to her feet and brushed herself off. She had a bad feeling about this, but Alex was right. There would be no way they could get caught if they were sure Ernie was in his garage.
“I’ll go for the walk, but I’m not promising that I’m going in.”
“Good enough, I’ll show you that there isn’t anything to be afraid of.”
“Only two more houses to pass.” Thought Diana. As the music became louder, Diana and Alex glanced at each other and Diana thought she saw Alex wince a little in fear. A trickle of sweat tickled her back. They looked down the long driveway and there he was. Big Ernie, in his suit, bent over the hood of a bright red car. Alex smiled.
“Let’s go, hurry!” Alex whispered as they hid behind a bush at the edge of Ernie’s yard. Just then, Ernie yelled something, though the two of them couldn’t hear what it was because of the music. Diana was sure it was a curse word and she swallowed real hard. She reluctantly followed Alex through the maze of bushes until they got to a huge patch of tall grass.
“Just run really fast through the grass and the ticks can’t get you.” Alex said.
As Diana started to run, the grass was scratching at her bare legs. It was like it was warning her not to go further by cutting her legs and making them itch.
When they got to the hole in the fence, there was a space just wide enough for them to get through. There were tons of different car parts-bumpers, engines, steering wheels and tons of tires.
“Okay, all we need to do is grab something and get back out. See I told you it would be fine.” Just then Ernie came sauntering into the yard from the back door of his garage. The two of them hid in the dirt behind a tire while Ernie searched for something. Diana swore she could hear her heart thumping it’s way out of her chest. They waited for what seemed like hours until Ernie finally found the part he was looking for and turned to leave his yard. Alex bolted across the path and picked up a funnel. They scooted out of the yard quickly and stopped to catch their breath on the other side of the fence. They got back to the edge of Big Ernie’s yard and turned the corner to the driveway. There, glaring at them from some two feet above them was Big Ernie, all dirty, smelling like potatoes and standing with his hands on his hips.
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This seems to be only a section of a short story. The characters need some more development so that the reader can relate and feel close to them. We should know who they are and a bit of their background maybe.
Also Diana’s thoughts are in quotes as if she is speaking out loud. Her thoughts need to be rephrased without the quotes like …. She wondered what adventure might unfold today. (line 2).
With work the story could develop into such a fun adventure. One that closely echos “The Sandlot” in theme. With really strong characters like the children in that story, your story could be one people could really relate to.
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“What was going to unfold today?” she wondered --- this is just my personal opinion but I think that this is a little bit of a hackneyed way in which to open a story. The story will unfold, you don’t necessarily need the main character to wonder how that will happen
but Alex was right --- probably right (she can’t be sure)
As the music became louder --- this sounds like they’re walking towards a disco, pub or concert…..later you don’t mention Big Ernie working next to a radio
glaring at them from some two feet above them --- glaring down from some two feet above them
This is quite good in terms of setting the scene and creating some sort of tension in a kid’s game. But I got lost at the end as maybe your description of the yard is unclear; it seemed they’d escaped, but they didn’t? They got to the other side of the fence no? why would they go back to the driveway when they’d come in the back. Also you need to make Big Ernie sound a bit more frightening rather than grumpy at the end there if it’s to have an impact.
good luck working on this
ehhh….i dont see where this is going. you should cut out a little bit more of his description and “OH NO! IM NOT DOING THAT!!!!” junk.
I didn’t really feel any tension in this and I think it was because Alex and Diana are rather faceless and so the reader cannot readily identify with them. For example, at the beginning it isn’t clear until Alex speaks that Diana is probably a child. We don’t know how old they are or very much about them. It might help to give some identifying characteristics eg Diana pulling at her pigtails, Alex having scabbed knees or something to make them real.
The ending is also unsatisfactory for a short story. I think you need to add Ernie’s reaction, or even just have the kids scream and run away. You can’t really leave them like this without a resolution.
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