Poetry / The Gulls Glide By (Analysis)

I might not have added the last “The gulls glide by, turning, dipping, watching.” but that’s not much of a problem.
“The sound is both liquid and rock” That line just didn’t sound right to me, maybe you should go further in describing the sound as you hear it, rather than just liquid and rock.
Overall, this isn’t a bad poem.

I like the use of the repeating refrain which serves to bring the reader back to a vantage point above the action of the glacier.  However, if one is going to repeat phrases make sure they are stellar sounding and original.  ”glide by…turning, dipping & watching” are all a bit pedantic and common so they don’t add the poetic oomph needed in repetitive lines hinging verses together.

tipping wings, spying, wheeling are some suggestions.

The other observation is that each verse sounds a bit like a laundry list, lacking the harsh brutality of poetic prose to convey the action.  For example:

Last verse:
does the water rise or doesn’t it when a glacier clefts itself and plumments into the ocean?  The force with which I glacier shears itself is less of a kiss and more like a cannonball plunge into the water.  ’The sounds’ – too generic and abstract.  What sounds?  Of shipmates pooping their pants because they might meet their end like the crew of the Titantic?  Pitch an yaw – perfect words for perfect visuals, use more like them.  The last line of that verse – blah, really…as I sit here an type this the night sounds of crickets, and other myriad of bugs vibrate through my windows, there is the drone of a fan…would there still not be the piston sounds of an engine, the clomp of deck hands, the caw of the gull, the lap of water against the prow?  

I like where this is being taken but it is not there yet.  Bolster the language, add spice to the imagery so that we know exactly what it looks like and sounds like but stay true to image logic.

I like the form and the aesthetics of the poem in  general. The images are crisp and profound. I think you use groan too much in the poem, you should try to play with different words so that the imagery doesn’t become dull. Other than that this is a well crafted piece of work and i enjoyed reading it.

I like the contrast between the gulls and the glacier – the gull’s endless turning and dipping while a momentous change is happening in the background.

To make us feel the glacier’s movement, you may need to work on some of the words you use – we all know that glaciers ‘crack’ and ‘groan’. As a poet rather than a prose writer you may need to use more expressive – more shocking – verbs if you want our eyes not to just glide by your words.

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July 13, 2009

by TerJa

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67	M	Vermilion, OH	November 21

Thank you.  You make a good point.  I am a prose writer, one who occasionally writes poetry.  Prose does come first however.  I’ll need to think on what you said.

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I love this. Reads really well. Description of sound is wonderful.
Not sure if you want to change anything but if you did here are my suggested places to look – color of the water, or ice, sound of gulls (they can be real screamers)and how it relates to you or the emotion it evokes.

Thanks.

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July 12, 2009

by TerJa

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67	M	Vermilion, OH	November 21

Thanks.  I live next door to a  sea gull condo so I know the sounds gulls are capable of producing.  Color might be worth a look too, but maybe in another poem on the same topic.  It was one of the most exciting things I have ever seen.

July 13, 2009

by marebarr

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That is new information, that it was one of the most exciting things you have ever seen. That does not come accross in the poem -I only give you my point of view. So that is what I would work on if you are going to continue to work this – which seems like it is worth it.

July 13, 2009

by TerJa

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67	M	Vermilion, OH	November 21

I should have said awesome not exciting.   There was a feeling of grandeur about it that I’ve only experienced a few other times in my life.  Still, I take your point and it is a valid one.  I’ll think on it.

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