Hasukawa: Many thanks for your thoughts. I’ll have to chew on your suggestion concerning the third stanza. I recognize the value of the symmetry you are proposing, but I’m not sure I could manage that and preserve the flow I am going for (this piece was written for dramatic performance before an audience). By all means, please consider yourself free to use this as part of your class, with my thanks for the honor.
Poetry / Neptune Rex
Atlantis was mighty, and wealthy, and proud.
They worshipped themselves, their heads high and unbowed.
Their towers rose tall as their knowledge ran deep,
Their pride fully roused, though their priests half asleep.
They prospered and grew in both power and fame,
The farther to fall when the end finally came.
The sea that surrounded them, gentle and fair,
The path of their commerce, if not of their prayer,
Rose up in its anger, and struck in its rage,
And called out in wrath for the end of an age.
Where evening saw greatness, the morning saw graves,
For all that once stood lay beneath the cold waves,
And nothing remained of this homeland of might
But a tale told in whispers by sailors at night,
Who know that no matter your wisdom or skill,
Neptune is King, and he claims what he will.
The gods of Olympus were fighters from birth,
And squabbled for power upon the new Earth:
Crying one, “Mine this mountain!” Another, “Those trees!”
Or this town or that, or the sweet Western breeze,
Or anything growing, or anything dead,
Or anything born with four legs and a head.
They bickered. They battled, allied and betrayed,
And cried out their glory. As gamblers, they played
For the highest of stakes and the highest of lands
Until all things were taken, from mountains to sands.
But one held what nobody else cared to claim
The ocean was his, and he needed no fame
Nor pretension to glory. He had his domain
That war could not shatter nor enemies pain.
The gods grew complacent, proclaimed themselves wise,
And never imagined that waters might rise.
O, gods of Olympus! How wondrous your fright,
When waves lap the stones of your dwellings tonight.
You thought yourselves lords of the world down below;
But hear some new tidings, and drown in your woe,
And cry in confusion from up on your hill,
For Neptune is King, and he claims what he will.
The gods are long gone with their feasting and fuss,
And now we bid fair to replace them with us,
As we look to the heavens and see only stars,
And we look to the earth and proclaim it as ours,
And imagine we grasp it as if in our hand;
But remember my words, and remember the land
Is but only that part that we bother to see,
As we bind it with stone and we think ourselves free
Of the ravage of time and the rage of the storm,
Or the cold of a winter, when we can sleep warm.
But around our dominions the ocean remains,
And it cares naught for prowess and laughs at our chains,
And was old when the first eye beheld the new day
And will dance out its youth when our children are clay;
And walls that would turn Jove himself from his path
Are as nothing when facing the sea in its wrath.
Take pride in your people, and joy in your nation,
But never forget to make humble libation.
Let all raise a glass—but a tiny bit spill,
For Neptune is King, and he claims what he will.
(c) Michael Greenstein, all rights reserved
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April 26, 2006
Deleted User
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Whoa! That is a powerful piece.
The allusion to Atlantis and the metered history of its triumphs and tragedies is far beyond excellent. This belongs on a required reading list. No only does it show a deep classical knowledge of Greek myths, but it is superb poetry.
Then you go further and tie the mistakes of the past with the follies of the present.
Neptune becomes, to me, more than a mythic god. The unfailing and unstoppable forces of nature – that can not be scorned or avoided…For Neptune is King, and he claims what he will.
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March 23, 2006
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For some strange reason this reminds me of Rudyard Kipling.
The rhythm flows beautiflly, and it scans well. The last stanza bothers me a little. In the first stanza, you have the repetition of “They” or “Their” for four lines. Can you tweak the last stanza to place the “We” at the beginning? It would help balance the piece for me, and heigten the comparision between the arrogance of Atlantis and our arrogance today.
You already have the hook to the second stanza with a wonderful line:
And now we bid fair to replace them with us
The wording is excellent. I would like to use this poem in my classroom with my AP students. It would partner well with the literature we are currently reading.
dissipatingsoul reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this piece, and it’s a good reminder to all those people who think “That will never happen to me.” The form is excellent in my opinion, and it flows well… I don’t think I can offer any criticism. Well done.
March 22, 2006
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I think this is a great read-aloud poem! It is classical and groovy at the same time and once you get into it, it sounds like good rap! This one surprised and delighted me with its rythym.
acdcfan1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the rhyme scheme, the only thing i didnt understand was sometimes the rhythem wasnt there, but its hard to do, so good job for the most part.
February 24, 2006
Deleted User
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This is an incredible poem. Perfect rhythm and rhyme scheme. The story is very entertaining, and the gods are characterized, both with their mortal flaws and great power/strengths, excellently.
The only thing I’d suggest is making evident immediately who they are instead of referring to the gods as they first (in the second line).
DamondQuinn reviewed Version 1 -
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I think your piece was very well written and very well researched. I applaud you on writing on a diffrent topic. I enjoyed reading and your lines kept me intrested. The only thing that got to me was in the last portion of the piece.
“And” it cares naught for prowess and laughs at our chains,
“And” was old when the first eye beheld the new day
“And” will dance out its youth when our children are clay;
“And” walls that would turn Jove himself from his path.
all the and’s started to break it up for me. I think overall you have something here. I am not a judge of works just an inspired reader. Thankyou for inspiring words from me today. Keep up your good work. Always keep the lighthouse light and we shall always come back to your work.
ihavedrive reviewed Version 1 -
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First…I will say that your work was excellent. As I was reading, I wanted to cry remember all the people and homes that were destroy in the wake of Katrina.
We must not forget about the other monster storms that hit Florida too. They might not have been as horrible but the damages is the same in pur hearts.
I live in California… and it was hard to sit back and watch those event on television. My heart really weep for the children and elderly especially. I was also angry from the lack of preparation and relief from the government.
Thanks for making us remember that mother nature does not discriminate the way the human race does. Maybe one day we will all wake up and become one nation under God and not us verse the government.
anussey reviewed Version 1 -
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I’ve read some terrible Katrina poetry, but this isn’t part of that group. I like the antiquated language you used—very “Ulysses;” the parallels between the glories of ancient Greece and Rome and one of America’s cultural centers is made very apparent and rightly so. And although I’m very tired of the AABBCC rhyming scheme, yours works because it takes a very modern theme and places it in a classic framework.
I like this. Tweak it a little still, but try to send out. Luck and Cheers!
SLAM reviewed Version 1 -
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AMAZING! I can tell you have been writing a very long time. You are extremely talented. I wish I was at this high of a peak with my writing. I really enjoyed reading this fine piece of work. The words you chose are wonderful. I also like the way it flowed, and the structure and rhyming were terrific! I can tell that writing is something you really enjoy. Bravissima! Keep writing!
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