Hasukawa: Many thanks for your thoughts. I’ll have to chew on your suggestion concerning the third stanza. I recognize the value of the symmetry you are proposing, but I’m not sure I could manage that and preserve the flow I am going for (this piece was written for dramatic performance before an audience). By all means, please consider yourself free to use this as part of your class, with my thanks for the honor.
Poetry / Neptune Rex
Atlantis was mighty, and wealthy, and proud.
They worshipped themselves, their heads high and unbowed.
Their towers rose tall as their knowledge ran deep,
Their pride fully roused, though their priests half asleep.
They prospered and grew in both power and fame,
The farther to fall when the end finally came.
The sea that surrounded them, gentle and fair,
The path of their commerce, if not of their prayer,
Rose up in its anger, and struck in its rage,
And called out in wrath for the end of an age.
Where evening saw greatness, the morning saw graves,
For all that once stood lay beneath the cold waves,
And nothing remained of this homeland of might
But a tale told in whispers by sailors at night,
Who know that no matter your wisdom or skill,
Neptune is King, and he claims what he will.
The gods of Olympus were fighters from birth,
And squabbled for power upon the new Earth:
Crying one, “Mine this mountain!” Another, “Those trees!”
Or this town or that, or the sweet Western breeze,
Or anything growing, or anything dead,
Or anything born with four legs and a head.
They bickered. They battled, allied and betrayed,
And cried out their glory. As gamblers, they played
For the highest of stakes and the highest of lands
Until all things were taken, from mountains to sands.
But one held what nobody else cared to claim
The ocean was his, and he needed no fame
Nor pretension to glory. He had his domain
That war could not shatter nor enemies pain.
The gods grew complacent, proclaimed themselves wise,
And never imagined that waters might rise.
O, gods of Olympus! How wondrous your fright,
When waves lap the stones of your dwellings tonight.
You thought yourselves lords of the world down below;
But hear some new tidings, and drown in your woe,
And cry in confusion from up on your hill,
For Neptune is King, and he claims what he will.
The gods are long gone with their feasting and fuss,
And now we bid fair to replace them with us,
As we look to the heavens and see only stars,
And we look to the earth and proclaim it as ours,
And imagine we grasp it as if in our hand;
But remember my words, and remember the land
Is but only that part that we bother to see,
As we bind it with stone and we think ourselves free
Of the ravage of time and the rage of the storm,
Or the cold of a winter, when we can sleep warm.
But around our dominions the ocean remains,
And it cares naught for prowess and laughs at our chains,
And was old when the first eye beheld the new day
And will dance out its youth when our children are clay;
And walls that would turn Jove himself from his path
Are as nothing when facing the sea in its wrath.
Take pride in your people, and joy in your nation,
But never forget to make humble libation.
Let all raise a glass—but a tiny bit spill,
For Neptune is King, and he claims what he will.
(c) Michael Greenstein, all rights reserved
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February 24, 2006
Deleted User
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This is an incredible poem. Perfect rhythm and rhyme scheme. The story is very entertaining, and the gods are characterized, both with their mortal flaws and great power/strengths, excellently.
The only thing I’d suggest is making evident immediately who they are instead of referring to the gods as they first (in the second line).
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dissipatingsoul reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this piece, and it’s a good reminder to all those people who think “That will never happen to me.” The form is excellent in my opinion, and it flows well… I don’t think I can offer any criticism. Well done.
March 22, 2006
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I think this is a great read-aloud poem! It is classical and groovy at the same time and once you get into it, it sounds like good rap! This one surprised and delighted me with its rythym.
March 23, 2006
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For some strange reason this reminds me of Rudyard Kipling.
The rhythm flows beautiflly, and it scans well. The last stanza bothers me a little. In the first stanza, you have the repetition of “They” or “Their” for four lines. Can you tweak the last stanza to place the “We” at the beginning? It would help balance the piece for me, and heigten the comparision between the arrogance of Atlantis and our arrogance today.
You already have the hook to the second stanza with a wonderful line:
And now we bid fair to replace them with us
The wording is excellent. I would like to use this poem in my classroom with my AP students. It would partner well with the literature we are currently reading.
April 26, 2006
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Whoa! That is a powerful piece.
The allusion to Atlantis and the metered history of its triumphs and tragedies is far beyond excellent. This belongs on a required reading list. No only does it show a deep classical knowledge of Greek myths, but it is superb poetry.
Then you go further and tie the mistakes of the past with the follies of the present.
Neptune becomes, to me, more than a mythic god. The unfailing and unstoppable forces of nature – that can not be scorned or avoided…For Neptune is King, and he claims what he will.
Miluji reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very nice history lesson and a fine crafted poem! The rhyming is genious, but if punctuation were to be followed exactly, it’s a bit choppy. I liked the allusions from Greek and the bible, as well as the patriotism for one’s homeland. Very nice read!
Adhamh reviewed Version 1 -
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Awesome! That was a very interesting read. The rhyming allowed the poem to really flow nicely. It was also cool to see how Greek mythology compares with modern day events. My favorite section was, “Where evening saw greatness, the morning saw graves,
For all that once stood lay beneath the cold waves.” That line honestly gave me chills. Great job.
sabine reviewed Version 1 -
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It seems as if you are trying to make some judgement about the people of Atlantis, “with their heads high and unbowed”, that perhaps their arrogance led to their demise…but then you reference Neptune as the destroyer of Atlantis and offer no explanation that he was displeased with Atlantian citizens and therefore destroyed it. You also give a lengthy description of the gods, but then say that we’ve now replaced them…I’m assuming that you intend to say we will lead to our own demise…but then you reference Neptune again at the end, as if he will be the destoyer once again. If your point is that knowledge without wisdom is dangerous, I think you should illustrate that point more clearly instead of veering off about gods claiming different parts of the earth. I also found the raising of a glass a bit pretentious. It made me think that the entire work was a drunken slur overheard in a bar. Sorry if that’s harsh, but the poem was a bit difficult to follow and the rythmn wasn’t consistent.
Journey reviewed Version 1 -
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I have rarely given a piece a 10, but I could not find one thing that needed correction. Love it!
simchamo reviewed Version 1 -
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thats an amazing peice of poetry.the meter was beautiful and it just dragged me in.becouse the meter is clearly so important for the effect of this poem,you want to be carefull with it.there were a few spots that slightly jumped
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