Lyrics / naked in the light (Analysis)

I will havta vehemently disagree with one’s critiquing of this poem in terms of adding (THE) night .. it reads find ! and to boot , the waiting sea is most beautiful … just depends on the reader i guess , what matters most is how U feel !!! I wouldnt change a damn thing … the current reading is absolutely sublime … the thought process is wonderful !!!
I will cling to what night brings through

when the dawn breaks over the waiting sea.

I’ll take what’s left to me when dark abandons me

and I’m left exposed, naked in the light.

Stand on a bright shore, the shield that I bore,

broken beside me at the one-eyed sky’s delight.  (THESE FIVE LINES ARE DIVINE

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August 01, 2009

by garfocus

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40	M	West Chester, PA	September 24

thank you for your kindness

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Lovely flowing nature within the lyrics that resonates a haunting solitude for any listener, well done.

Your rhyming scheme seems very relaxed but your repeated use of them makes those end words more highlighted because of the rhyme. My only problem with this is that through that laxness the ends words seem like they’re placed just to make a rhyme rather than to highlight any implicit meaning.

This is good however it could stand to be lengthed a bit more. The lines are powerful when you take the time to read them.

I have copied and pasted and will make changes within the poem for you. It is a philisophical piece for sure, and i don’t feel i should judge based on the topic, but there are some problems in the form and structure.

If I have [], then I have added or substituted a word. If there is [1] or so on, then there is additional comments I want to make on this after the song.
===============

I will cling to what [the] night brings through
when the dawn breaks over the [waiting1] sea.
I’ll take what’s left [to me2] when dark abandons me
and I’m left exposed, naked in the light.

Stand on a bright shore, the shield that I [bare3],
broken beside me at the one-eyed sky’s delight.
Pushed in the water, I’m sinking lower.
You threw a lifeline, fought with all [your] might.

You are flying high above me,
hanging loosely, dripping with my fear.

You will fly on
Long after I’m gone away
You’ll sing my song
As I wait for end of [days].

=============================
1. If you want this song to be poetic, I would choose a different way of describing the sea, because a sea doesn’t really go anywhere (unless in a tsunami) so saying that it is waiting is somewhat redundant to what a sea is.

2. Just delete that instance of to me.

3. He stands on a shore, but bore a shield? Once again if you want this to be poetic, then tenses should match up. However if this is like most song lyrics, you don’t have to be grammatically correct or seem to be going anywhere with story that the lyrics are telling, so none of this would matter in that case.

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July 29, 2009

by garfocus

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40	M	West Chester, PA	September 24

I appreciate your taking the time to read this. I figured I couldn’t “bare” the shield if it is broken beside me.  You could be right though.  The sea is “waiting” for the day.  It was personification.  Please expound on the activity of the sea you are referring to.  I definitely need to trim this up and I again appreciate your comments.  

July 30, 2009

by DREAD88

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Well, I don’t know another way to describe what i meant. If it is personification, it is important to set that up so that it can be expected, otherwise, a sea doesn’t really wait for anything. It’s a nit pick, it really just seemed slightly distracting, but not bad at all.

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it looks to me like this is speaking of standing alone, waiting for something, or someone?

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July 29, 2009

by garfocus

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41	81.8% (22 votes)	17.7%

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40	M	West Chester, PA	September 24

Well said.

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