Hey, Howard!
Well, I just counted it again, and it is indeed 100 words. Hyphenated words and contractions count as one word as long as they are grammatically correct.
Hope you’re doing well,
DC (otherwise known here as “anonymous”)
Flash Fiction / In Andrew's Shoes
Late and windless again, Andrew Froggered four lanes of traffic.
“Wait!” he cried, karate-kicking a foot into the bus’s closing doors, which chomped three times before the driver let the other foot in.
“Thanks, Winston!” Andrew beat door grime from his already grimy jeans.
“Fruitcake,” thought Winston.
“Damn.” Andrew conned his shoes. “Third time this week” He’d left home wearing his houseshoes. “Oh well.” He smiled conspiratorially. Only he would know. It wasn’t as if they were his ex-wife’s flaky pink fuzzies or his ex-children’s moose-antlered clompers. They looked like normal, brown shoes—like a crippled life that bluffed unbroken.
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lmz2727 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this drabble is a great example of flash fiction. My only constructive criticism is that I’m wondering if there is a way to convey that Andrew is riding away on the bus? I think the motion of the bus leaving with him in it would add to the triumphant tone at the end.
Nice achievement of establishing two memorable characters within 100 hundred words. Through Andrew’s struggle and eventual success getting on the bus, and then through his contemplation of his shoes, this piece evokes the theme of pushing through the brokenness of a life left behind (ex-wife, ex-children). The piece seems to convey to me a “faking it til you make it” attitude; in the end, make your own story. So simple but very effective. Nice piece.
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Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a nice piece of flash fiction. Some good and creative use of verbs such as “Froggered”. (Used to play it, get the reference). Also the last phrase “like a crippled life that bluffed unbroken” is a good turn of phrase that one can roll over in one’s mind and take it several ways. These things make the drabble both challenging and rewarding. I read your author’s notes and your position that regardless of the Urbis word-count, “In Andrew’s Shoes” is only 100 words. I beg to differ. I counted one hundred two and the onl way I can make it 100 is by counting some compound words with hyphens as one word in some places and two in others. Am I wrong? Still a good piece of work.
Platytee reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice. Was like having a fingertip of icing. Made me want more. Loved the frogger connotation and the last seven words were great. Such a great descriptor. Not sure if this was what you were going for, but it made me feel like I just saw a photograph of a moment. It didn’t seem to really seem to have a beginning or end. It just was. Very descriptive of the moment though.
dailyfukkery reviewed Version 1 -
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There’s something brilliant here, but I’m not sure what it is. Maybe it’s just the mundanity of the whole story, the dialogue, the details you describe… but it fits so perfectly. Sorry, I can’t offer much criticism or get more specific than that.
gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
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Comments: Amazing that you can tell a story with a hundred words. I love the beginning of the piece where he kicks the door open. I also like how you get a sense of his past, and personality by the shoes his ex wife and kids wore.
Suggestions: I think I would try this piece in present tense. That way the reader is in the moment. This will help the brief action pop. Also, “Thanks, Winston,” needs to be attached in the above paragraph, since it is Andrew saying and not a new person.
camalonious reviewed Version 1 -
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I see your point about your verbs and adjectives, at first reading words
like “Froggered” (which shouldnt have the capital f?), Karate – kicking and
conned work really well actually at creating more of a mental image and
saying no the the dictionary for once, breaking convention. It’s quite
entertaining I have to say sounds like my future, whether that be a good
thing or a bad thing :P
Cheers and well done
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