I’m glad you liked it and please you also understood, but any suggestions on how I could make it better?
Poetry / The Genocidal State
The genocidal regard people in terms of abstract categories
Rather than a person’s distinct personality
These people kill according to categories they assign
With a bureaucrats order making zeal
As all holocausts are made with efficiencies in mind
Because genocide is the dream of a modern power
Exercised demographically on its populations
It becomes a sacrifice to State modernity
As hate is mobilized to its service
To form a blood bond with the citizenry
If we continue to think in utilitarian terms
Masses of people become superfluous
And spontaneity is lost in utopias of absolute purity
As individuality is stamped out
On personal identity cards
It is your minority of one
Which preserves the social and political freedoms
Of an unhappy majority
Who would cast the common reality
In their own impoverished image
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Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 1 -
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I read this because genocide is as issue of interest to me. I did find the thoughts expressed to be succinct and the language to be accurate.
I did disagree with the premise however, and particularly this line: Because genocide is the dream of a modern power
*I think that a review of history will show that there’s nothing new under the sun. Genocide has been practiced since the earliest empires, when they emptied a troublesome territory and even moved entire populations from region to another when they failed to kill them all off, most often using them as slave labor. But that said, advanced killing methods certainly have increased the ability of those who would practive genocide, and certainly their efficiency.
This reads well! I’m not sure if its poetry or a diatribe of sorts (which I’m not saying with negative connotation—promise). Hell, wish more people could find the passion and energy to care this much about an issue that they may see as a big word and a yawn, but I’ll bet if you’re a Jew, Armenian, Kurd, or a Christian Peasant from Dafur, Muslim from Kosvo, etc. its more than relevant, right? If this makes even one person open their eyes and care, you’ll have done a great thing in the Cosmic scheme of things.
Good Job!
(10 on talent, self explanatory, 9 on clarity, only because it is very elavated and advanced for the ADD generation, 8 for poetry overall, because is actually a little beyond poetry and more like an essay in verse form.
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D_Munn reviewed Version 1 -
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A very catching piece!
I see this as being a rallying cry for the individual mind NOT to submit
to the masses no matter what the personal cost, for the general cost,
as a civilization is infinitely greater. This is how people become sheep;
when they believe they have no power and that what they can do or
say or imagine is without worth.
Good work and thank you.
Jazzerus reviewed Version 1 -
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You have a good idea going for you, and I understand the seriousness of your poem. I liked it, to some extent, though it didn’t exactly move me. I admire those who can successfully write poetry, as I am untalented with it, but a couple of your sentences in the first section of the poem didn’t make sense to me.
00_Doughboy reviewed Version 1 -
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Absolutely FANTASTIC. The ideas and beliefs you express in this piece are exceptionally explored and related, questioned and answered. You have a knack for speaking very clearly and getting your ideas across with efficiency, such as it is in poetry form. The word rousing comes to mind.
The entire third paragraph is what gets me. It makes me imagine a future if Hitler had succeeded with his agenda, creating a utopian Aryan race of identical nobodies. To ignore the individual is to ignore what makes us human. To KILL individuality by wiping out entire ehtnic groups is killing that same humanity.
Great job.
Don_sherwood reviewed Version 1 -
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wow, this piece is awsome. the imagery is flawless, the talent is pure, the poem is powerful. when I read this my first thoughts are a poem I wrote a long time ago called suicide or genocide. it seems to say to me that each individual is a race of one. Goverment tries to put us into catgories of white, black, hispanic, jew, and so forth. Yet each person is their own. You are not the same as me, and I’m not th same as the next person. we each have our talents, and our flaws, and nothing is the same from one person to the next. I love the last stanza, the minority of one thing. A ++ job, keep up the good work.
groovieknave reviewed Version 1 -
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This is good, I just didn’t enjoy all the big words. It made the poem to me feel like a dictionary without definitions. It makes sense and all, I’d just rather it not have so many because I believe poetry should flow with words rather than it be a bunch of words that my mind would rather not pronounce. It is probably just me though.
I could agree with this, but it’s political and I could care less about politics. But I’m sure someone who follows politics would agree, however I don’t find this enjoyable. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t good, it’s well written opinion.
I can’t really say much else other than I’d prefer it to be less 5 syllable words and that it would flow better than it does. That’s my opinion.
shadowedxrain reviewed Version 1 -
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The idea is good, it just needs some structure. The first line is confusing and borderline awkward—”the genocidal” is too vague a label. There are some punctuation errors (or lack thereof), and I feel that with punctuation at the end of the lines (even just occasional comma usage), the poem would vastly improve in tone and tempo.
Cheer_Band_Geek reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you are very talented, however, this is probably a alittle mature a poem for me and the clarity was very hard for me. I do think you have alot of talent though!
Zeb reviewed Version 1 -
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THANK YOU!!! I love this. When I studied genocide this past school year, I thought the same thing. We do look at people who are not like us differently and it will effect us in the future. I think this poem is more of a speach though. Good JOB!!!
anna11828 reviewed Version 1 -
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Insightful, and unfortunately, so true.
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