I will take into consideration on some of what you said, like the owl and the brackers, but not the way I am tellign the story. I think it is easier to tell a story this way for I can narrate everything and give some other characters thoughts, but also I will focus more on other things then the room layout. Thanks…
Sci Fi & Fantasy / The History of Htrae: The Elves Man
The Post
In the world of Htrae, there are humans, dogs, cats, and pigs. However, there are other things that live in secrecy. Creatures that everyone believe to be make-believe, elves, trolls, giants and other amazing creatures. Although some of the creatures have made themselves known such as the fairies, werewolves, wizards, dragons, and seers, they maintain a quiet life. Almost all the time. The years are anew once more in Htrae, one hundred twenty-nine and things are settle. At least that is what it seems.
In the Land of Valisania, within the Nation of Arick, in a village sometime from the kingdom, named Sagage, lurked a sorcerer, named Earth. His beard came down pass his breast and his hair came pass his shoulders. His golden robes dragged the floor as he turned back to his cauldron, which hung over a jovial fire.
The room was lit by a candles sitting on scones lining the wall around the room. The fire gave off much more of the light though. The seaweed green substance within the cauldron boiled, as Earth held, what looked to be a root of a plant over the cauldron before dropping it. He moved back over to his podium and read the instructions.
The Relivfishing Potion
Spiders Skin
Boiled bone
The feather of a Red Falcon
Limp root
Add Spiders Skin to a boiling cauldron and let simmer for three hours. Then add the essence or boiled bone and stir into the potion, counter clockwise. Once this had been, done add the feather of the red falcon and let potion come to a boil until a seaweed green, then add limp root. Once limp root is added let potion boil for three minutes, not any shorter or longer, before adding it to vial for use. Also be cautious for it is explosive and is to be used in only certain…
“‘Situations,’” the sorcerer read. “Use for defensive reasons only,” he finished. Counting slowly in his head, he paced while he waited. When he was just three seconds from finishing counting he moved over to the cauldron and pulled it from the fire. He sat it on a table just left of the fireplace and emptied it into thirteen different vials. He added them to a shelf that held other potions of different colors, that line the room walls.
As he placed the last vial onto the shelf a sound of millions of cloths being torn rang through the air. The room lit up in a blue light as the sky howled, promising a storm. Earth turned taking the door opposite the fire, into a hall. The door creaked as he pulled it closed behind him. He moved into a room that was lighted by a dull fire.
He strolled across the room to a second door and pulled the latch up, and the door opened with a defiant creak. Another streak of lightning passed across the sky as thunder roared, lighting the dark road. The elf that stood just outside the door, looked just like Earth, except his ears were pointed and his hair was so gray one could mistake it for silver. He wore a long maroon robe with stars knitted into it, that hovered just above the ground.
“Good day, Sir Earth,” the elf said.
“Good day, Sir Falavas,” Sir Earth said, pulling the door wide letting the elf into the house. The wind blew a cold air that made Earth shimmer, as he pushed the door closed. He latched the door once more, and turned to Sir Falavas who stood some feet from him.
“It has been some time,” Sir Falavas said, observing the room. “And still you have not changed.” Sir Falavas gestured to the dying fire, and asked, “May I?”
“Please,” Sir Earth said, with a curt nod. “Would you like a drink of brandy?” He asked, moving over to a cupboard, pulling out two glasses and two jugs. One jug was filled with water and the other a clear brown liquid.
“Just water,” Sir Falavas said shortly. He had waved a hand and the flames had leaped higher in their pit. He was now removing his cloak, that matched his robes and laid it over the chair, and sat.
“Plan on staying for awhile?” Sir Earth asked, (hearing the elf’s movements) filling his cup with brandy (he had had already filled Sir Falavases). He moved over to Sir Falavas, handing him his glass, before taking the chair that sat opposite of the elf, and its back to the fire.
The room was simple, but homey. There were three chairs, that sat around a table, near the fire, and a cupboard sat left of the fireplace. A bookshelf left of the door, (if one is looking from within the house), a hallway opposite of the bookshelf, and to the right of the shelf was another archway leading into the kitchen.
“Not to long, old friend,” Sir Falavas said.
Sir Earth watched the ancient elf, as he moved his glass to his lips to take a sip of his brandy.
“Toast,” Sir Falavas said, raising a hand to stop him. “To all of the success,” the elf said, raising his glass to Sir Earth. Sir Earth raised his glass and said, “And to all of the success to come.”
The both took a sip of their drinks then placed them on the table.
“So tell me,” Sir Falavas said. “How have you been?”
“Gocod, good. I am getting quite old and you also,” Sir Earth said, raising a hand to the elf’s beard.
Sir Falavas looked at the long beard and ran his fingers through it. “Well, nothing can live forever. Everything has its end.”
“Right you are,” Sir Earth said. “One hundred twenty years or less, before my passing, and you?”
“About the same,” Sir Falavas answered. The fire crackled and spit ashes into the air as the two sorcerers took another sip of their drinks and placed them back on the table.
“So tell me Sir Falavas,” Sir Earth begin, but Sir Falavas cut across him and said, “Lets leave out the ‘Sirs’.”
Earth looked at the elf and nodded in agreement. “Now where was I,” Earth said, gazing upward as if the thought of what he going to say had left him that quickly. “Ah,” the man said. “I remember. Where do we start?”
“We start over,” Falavas said. “You know of course this is our last meeting” It was not a question. “I want to say, you are a truly amazing sorcerer and you and the other Owlets have worked very hard with my people to help us try to thwart Golindons rise to power.
“Of course, no one lives forever so tonight, the new elf Owlet post shall be taken over by another member of the Elf Council (as it has always been),” Falavas said. “As a Collective Elf, I have other duties to fill and this is no longer one of them,. Now I would like to go over some things with you before the new post member arrives. Her name is Golden and she is one you will not want to make cross for any reason,” Falavas stated.
Earth waited for the rest of what the sorcerer wanted to go over but he said nothing. “Well,” Earth said shortly. “When shall she arrive?”
Falavas reached into his robes and pulled out a locket and observed it. “Well she should be here--”
Plump, plump, plump.
“Now,” Falavas finished. He looked at the door and waved hand and the latch undid itself and the door creaked open, letting in cold wind. A woman step through the archway and closed the door behind her. She wore green robes that stuck to her body. A chain hung around her neck, holding a locket. The stern face of this woman intimidated Earth immediately. She was tall, and dark. Her eyes were a dark brown and held affection in them, which was very surprising. Her hooked nose and soft brown lips looked like they were snaring the two sorcerers and Earth was regretting having brandy all ready.
Falavas had not bothered to look back up at Golden after he had begin to place his locket back within his robes. “You are right on time Madam Golden,” he said.
“I tend not to be to early or late,” Madam Golden said. “I do not want to appeal as if I am anxious for being too early or careless if late.”
Earth had immediately snapped his mind back into the ‘Sirs’ and now ‘Madams’ as Falavas had.
“Are you going to offer me a seat?” Madam Golden asked Earth.
“Y-yes,” Sir Earth said. He stood, as a gentleman should when a fine lady as this one walks into the room and gestured to the chair nearest the fire. Golden did bother to say ‘pardon me’ to Sir Falavas as she passed. She plumped herself into the chair, he back straight and said, “Now time for business.”
“Madam Golden,” Sir Falavas said. “This is Sir Earth of the Owlet, and post of the Land of Valisania.”
“How nice it is to meet you,” Madam Golden said. “I am Madam Golden of the Elf Council and now elf Owlet post.”
“Same pleasure here, to meet you,” Sir Earth said.
“Now,” Madam Golden said, in a commanding tone. “I think it is time for business. The Owlet—to my knowledge—is a group of some of the most powerful sorcerers, that are human who are trying to find and stopped Golindon the evil sorcerer, before he gets his hands on the next price item.”
“You are very well informed,” Sir Earth said, nodding. This woman was a beauty of all kinds.
“I try to be,” Madam Golden said, cutting across his thoughts. “Now, where do we start?”
“First, we inform you of all the movements of Golindon—or we would, if there were any trace of him or any of his followers—then we arrange a meeting for you to meet the other members of the Owlets.” The human stated.
Madam Golden was gazing straight at Earths eyes and this made him nervous, as he tried to break the eye contact.
“Well, this will be simple,” Madam Golden sated, rising from her chair, and tightening her cloak.
“Where are you going?” Sir Falavas asked, looking at the lady as if she had just slapped him in the face.
“I have a meeting,” Madam Golden said, simply.
“Why did you not clear your schedule for tonight?” Sir Falavas yelled. “This is an important matter here,” Sir Falavas was saying but Madam Golden cut across him. “Yes it is, but I cannot stop what is happening for this one important matter. I must continue with my ordeals so things will run smoothly.”
“How rude you are” Sir Falavas said rising.
“Are you coming with me?” Madam Golden asked.
Sir Falavas hesitated, then said, “I suppose so. I have other ordeals to handle later in the early hours of the day and I need rest.”
“Very well,” Madam Golden said. Turning on Earth she said, “I will need you to send me a letter by owl addressed to me of when you and the other Owlets will come meet with me in the spring, understood?”
“Yes,” Earth answered, without hesitation.
“Good,” Madam Golden said. She was moving to the door and unlatching it as she told him to have a goodnight, Sir Falavas close behind her. The door swung open and they stepped into the street. Sir Falavas turned to him and said, “Have a good life and be safe, old ally.”
“To you the same,” Sir Earth said. This was the first goodbye he had said in a long time to anyone and it hurt him.
“I expect to be hearing from you soon,” Madam Golden said as a streak of lightning came out from the sky. “Stay warm.”
“Thank you good lady,” Earth said. “And goodnight to you.”
The elves exploded into two clouds of mist as shouts begin. Madam Golden was overtaken by a light green mist and Sir Falavas a white.
Earth watched the mists evaporate. The rain begin as the mist said its final goodbyes and Earth closed the door, latching it. He moved through the room leaving the glasses where they sat, and the fire burning, down the hall and stepped into the last door on the left.
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Lysander reviewed Version 1 -
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DREAD88 reviewed Version 1 -
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=His beard came down pass his breast and his hair came pass his shoulders=
Past* also consider chest instead of breast. While scientifically, men have breasts, it always causes a pause for me when I hear a males chest called a breast.
=Spiders Skin=
It’s important to be accurate when writing to be published. Spiders don’t have a skin to speak of. They have an exoskeleton made of chitin.
=not any shorter or longer, before=
no more, no less
=shelf a sound of millions of cloths being torn rang through the air.=
I have trouble feeling a storm sounds like this. Cloth ripping sounds similar to a loud zipper, not to lightning IMO.
=The room was simple, but homey. There were three chairs, that sat around a table, near the fire, and a cupboard sat left of the fireplace. A bookshelf left of the door, (if one is looking from within the house), a hallway opposite of the bookshelf, and to the right of the shelf was another archway leading into the kitchen.=
I am having trouble picturing this because you use the door as a reference point, yet, you don’t tell us where the door is…
=“I tend not to be to early or late,” =
too
=“I do not want to appeal as if I am anxious for being too early or careless if late.”=
appear* I suggest leaving this out. This is something that is assumed of her personality or character by her previous line. no need to tell the reader this, and this is something that someone lacking confidence would say out loud. She, by your description, does not.
=he back straight and said, “Now time for business.”=
her
=that are human who are trying to find and stopped Golindon the evil sorcerer=
stop
=cutting across his thoughts=
I’ve never heard this saying. What does it mean?
=“Well, this will be simple,” Madam Golden sated=
stated*
=“I have a meeting,” Madam Golden said, simply. =
delete simply. We understand that this is simply put and blunt by the context.
=Good,” Madam Golden said. She was moving to the door and unlatching it as she told him to have a goodnight, Sir Falavas close behind her. =
Have her say it?
Interesting. It has a Lord of the Rings feel to it, for reasons other than the elves and intro. This is obviously a part of something much larger that has been going on for a time now. Good luck with it. You’ve got some good stuff.
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bravis reviewed Version 1 -
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I had just about finished an extensive review of this and my computer crashed. Grrr! That’ll teach me to work outside of Word. Anyway, I will attempt to recreate the main points, although I lack the patience to go through looking for the errors I spotted the first time…
Since your goals indicate that you want to be published at some stage I think you should reconsider both the opening to this story, and also the overall style of writing.
The second point is not as radical as it sounds, I simply mean you need to write from a character’s point of view rather than from an unseen narrator. If you want the technical terms you need to be writing in ‘limited third person’ as opposed to ‘omniscient third person’. This means being inside one character’s head and viewing the scene and other characters entirely from their point of view. This means you have to start your story differently, and also that you need to remain inside the head of Earth (since you begin and end the scene with him) and avoid the temptation to suddenly tell us what other characters are thinking. This style of writing is more popular with publishers, probably because omniscient narration is easy to do badly, and is very old fashioned, and leads to passive story telling (as opposed to active story ‘showing’).
As for passive story telling, this is a boring style to read. Passive is where the author relates to the reader all sorts of information about events in the story but does not allow the reader to see them as they are happening. This is what you have done at the beginning of the story for the first two paragraphs. This information could easily be woven into the main body of the story at a later date in a more active way (through dialogue, or through a character reminiscing or having a flashback). At this stage it is fine to leave the reader puzzling over the setting for a little while and reveal this information as and when you need to.
It gets more active once Earth turns up in the scene – this is where I would start your story.
Later in the story, you use Golden’s dialogue to dispense some background information – this is a much better way to do it, but be careful of this since it can become dull to read if it goes on too long. Make sure whatever is being discussed is important to the story at that point. If not, lose it.
Page 3 – avoid using brackets. I would only ever use brackets in fiction writing if writing in first person. In almost every case where you have used brackets, you should replace them with commas, or create new sentences, or link with words, or rewrite entirely; e.g.
“Plan on staying for awhile?” Sir Earth asked, (hearing the elf’s movements) filling his cup with brandy (he had had already filled Sir Falavases). – this is VERY confusing to read. I would rewrite as…
“Plan on staying awhile?” Sir Earth asked upon hearing the elf’s movements. Having already filled Sir Falavas’s cup, he poured some brandy into his own.
Try reading sentences out loud to check them for readability. Or get someone else to, and wherever they struggle to know how to read something, you will know you need to change the sentence structure.
Page 3 – the description of the room. You need to work harder at creating an atmosphere and stop worrying so much about the precise details of the more mundane things such as room layout. You are writing fiction, not directions for a play. Focus less on the position of doors and fireplaces and more on the little details that will create a mood – the fire crackling in the hearth, the smell and haze of wood smoke in the air, the dried herbs hanging from black beams overhead, the dust on the floor, the cobwebs in the windows that flutter in the drafts leaking through the rotten window frames. Much more interesting to read. The reader will fill in the other details for themselves because a picture has been started in their heads.
Sirs and madams – I would restrict the use of Sir and Madam to lines of dialogue only, and in character references simply say ‘Earth’, ‘Favalas’ and ‘Golden’. It is cumbersome to read ‘Sir’ and ‘Madam’ all the time, and if writing in Earth’s point of view it seems especially strange to be saying ‘Sir Earth’ all the time.
On this point, later in the story, this line seemed really odd:
Earth had immediately snapped his mind back into the ‘Sirs’ and now ‘Madams’ as Falavas had. because no one had actually said ‘Sir’ or ‘Madam’ yet.
Why was Earth regretting his brandy when Golden looked at him?
Letters by owl – too recognisably Harry Potter. It will make your story seem unoriginal (and therefore unattractive to publishers) if you are seen to borrow too much from other fiction – even if for a very small element of the story such as this – particularly when it from something as widely read as Harry Potter.
Favalas yelling at Golden – this seemed out of character. He had seemed serene and dignified up until this point. He could snap at her, or say it sharply, or purse his lips in irritation, but yelling seems too much.
Okay so quite a lot of criticism here then! This is an adequate first draft, but I wouldn’t be surprised that if you continue on with the story for a few more chapters, you eventually come back to this chapter and decide to begin your story in a different way. It was probably a good exercise in getting to know your characters a little, and to practice writing about them, but as a beginning to a story I think it lacks the action and/or intrigue to pull in your readers. I am left wondering why Favalas came to Earth’s house in the first place. Nothing really seems to happen between them other than a bit of dialogue, and at the end of the scene when Favalas and Golden leave and Earth is alone again it is somewhat of a mystery as to why they turned up at all. If Earth left with them there would seem to be more of a point to the visit, or if they did something other than drinking a bit of brandy, but as it stands it seems a little pointless.
A question – have you done an outline to your story or did you write this cold (i.e. no planning)? I suspect the latter since this chapter seems to lack purpose. Of course all writers vary in their methods, and many very good writers just sit down with a blank page and start writing, but I think it is always better to map out the story a little, especially when you’re just starting out as a writer, since it gives you a better idea of where to start your story and how to pace it.
Good luck with this and other writing.
dragonshaker reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed this short story which offered much to the reader a fantasy written by a crafted young man with immense talent, although i am sure the writer will explain in future episodes why there was so much emphasis on the reason for it’s invention.
It is difficult for me to offer any advice to the writer suffice to say that i think this story has immense potential and should be the first installment on a longer project or perhaps part of a general fairytale installment of shorter stories in the long term.
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