Thank you for your time. :) I will be sure to let you know when I have finished more or if I choose to elaborate on the first part of chapter one. Have a great day!
Romance / Dire Warning (Prologue/ Ch 1 first draft) (Analysis)
PROLOGUE
Strobe lights flashed quickly matching the beat of the music. The dance floor was crowded with dancing, sweaty bodies. The smell of sweat was heavy in the air and tinged by the elusive smell of sex. She moved sensuously to the beat catching the attention of more than one man.
Excusing herself from her latest dance partner she moved through the mass of bodies to her table just off the dance floor. Her friends were flirting with a couple of guys they had met that night. “Hey, I’m going to have to bale on you guys. I have to do some studying and get some sleep. The life of a future doctor.” She picked up her purse and threw the strap over her shoulder.
“Do you have to go?” she was asked. “Stay! Don’t go yet.” Her friends told her.
“Sorry. I have to, but I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Waving she turned toward the door.
The chorus of “goodnights” followed her, but was quickly drowned out by the loud music. Pulling out her keys and checking her cell phone took all her attention as she pushed open the club door. She never noticed the man follow her out until it was too late.
Chapter One
The papers’ headlines all read the same. “25 yr old med student slain…” “Med student found dead…” “Murdered Med Student Ranked First In Class…” Paper after paper highlighted her life, her achievements and her gruesome end.
Jarrod glanced at them as he retrieved the file that had been placed beside the papers. Inside were the police reports, any ‘witness’ accounts, interviews with friends and fellow students, and crime scene photos taken just hours ago when the body was found.
Within the photos of the scene and evidence were close ups of the med students body and they were graphic. The body had been dragged several feet and had been “shaken like a dog with a chew toy.” The preliminary reports sited evidence of a dog at the scene though one officer was reported as saying the ‘dog’ prints looked more like a wolf.
The police report further stated they suspected that the killer had brought along the dog to try and hide the evidence of sexual assault. They further believed he brought the animal to make them think it was a wild dog attack. The violated body had been shredded.
There was a lot of blood missing and the police were thinking that the student had been killed elsewhere and dumped there to be mauled.
Jarrod studied the student’s senior year picture. Her blue eyes slowly changed to green and her face faded to match the one that still haunted him. He whispered to her, “We’ll find him this time.” He placed the picture on top of the pile and closed the folder.
He turned to his second. “Call the Hunt. We need to get this bastard before he takes any more lives, Danny. Do we have the scent?” He stood and walked to the front of his desk.
“Yes, Alpha.” His second nodded, turned around, and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. He dialed a number and at the answer replied, “We're Hunting.” He walked toward the door. He paused and turned back around. “We’ll catch this bastard quick, Jare.”
The door closed swiftly and Jarrod moved to leave. The phone rang and he picked it up. 'Hello." His greeting was terse. "Yes, I called a Hunt." He held on to the phone tightly as he massaged his forehead. "I know, I'll be there to coordinate everything and then my assistant will stay at head quarters." He sat up quickly with a jerk. "What do you mean there has been a breach in our territory?... You think they're connected… I do too. Bring proof...See you tonight."
He walked to the door with a smile that was no more than a bearing of his fangs.
---------------------------------------------------
The clubs music ended abruptly as the door swung shut. She walked down the street with her heels tapping and her hips swinging. She slowed her walk down as if she didn’t have a care in the world. Wait for it…Wait for it…
The music sang out once again only to cut off quickly by the door. Got ya…She looked at her watch in time to see a man’s reflection behind her back. She sped up her walk and her humming became louder.
I’m a helpless little lady. I smell so good to you. Her pursuer quickened his footsteps and had she been as human as she portrayed she wouldn’t have even known. The streetlight dimmed and she sped up and so did her pursuer.
She let her claws slide slowly out of her finger tips leaving the scent of blood in the air. It was enough to goad him into acting.
The mouth of the darkened alley loomed just a few feet to the left. Her arm was wretched behind her back. She was slammed into the wall. The breath was forced out of her lungs and spots grew before her eyes.
She began pleading. “Please don’t hurt me. Please…” Tears streamed down her face as he forced her harder into the brick wall. Her claws slid back so her nails could scratch ineffectually at the wall.
“Shut up. I said shut up.” His voice was rough, gritty. “Don’t move unless I tell you too.” His voice whispered in her ear. He moved her hair over the opposite shoulder and licked her neck.
Adrenaline raced through her blood as she forced her muscles into readiness. He flipped her around and wrapped his hand around her throat. His other hand went clawed as he sliced her hooded sweatshirt from neck to navel. The shadows hid his face, but his eyes seemed to glow.
She dropped her weight and kicked him in his stomach. Surprised he dropped his hand and stumbled back. Coming to her feet she went on the offensive landing blow after blow. “Come on, Damon.” She taunted. “This is too easy.”
He grabbed at her leg as kicked his chest and stumbled once again. “Celina, I should have known it was you.” He smiled tiredly and leaned back against the wall, his posture spelled defeated, but his eyes were searching for an escape.
At first the soft sound of foot steps blended in with the night sounds. Alert she glanced sidelong to the mouth of the alley. As her attention divided he changed in a soft flash of light. She dove for him grabbing the tattered sleeve of his shirt, but after the slightest tug he was free.
His howl floated through the alley. Taunting. She clutched the remains of his ruined shirt and growled in frustration. Damn it!
The scuffle of a foot on concrete drew her attention. As she spun to meet this new threat a flash of light erupted and the metal prongs of a taser imbedded in her arm. “WHA…!” she yelled. It was the very last thing she said for a long while.
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OresteseViera reviewed Version 2 -
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In the second and third sentence of this piece, you mention sweaty and sweat. If you simply took out sweaty and left it at dancing bodies, then the next sentence with sweat in it won’t sound repetitive.
bale on you guys / bail on
Well, this sets up the character’s nicely, and I can’t wait to find out what happens next. I noticed no spelling error’s but you’re missing apostraphies with possessive subjects. Other than that, good job.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 2 -
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I like how people are dumping vamps for warewolves now. I also like how you humanized them. I was able to follow into the third part…then I got kind of lost because I didnt understand who Celina and Damon were. BUT I’m sure I’ll learn more as I read on. Grammar wise I think you forgot to put quotes are Damn It.
Lillie_M reviewed Version 2 -
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I quite liked this, it’s definitely a different take on the Romance genre but I appreciate what it is you are trying to do.
Think the Prologue worked well, set the scene and enabled us to pick up the thread of what was to come. Meant you didn’t have to add to much history in the 1st Chapter.
Although I’m not the best myself when it comes to grammar I didn’t notice too many mistakes and most of your spelling seemed to be fine. This can always be picked up in your edit though so you shouldn’t worry about it too much.
I did notice at the start of Ch.1 you wrote “The papers’ headlines all read the same.” I think you could consider changing this as you then go on to list the headlines and they are not all the same. Maybe you could write ‘All the headlines followed the same path’ or ‘They all chose the same vain.’ I presume you meant they all picked up the same points about her being a med student etc.
When you talked about “Pack” I initially had no idea what this was. Is it a acronym? Maybe you could give us a bit more information regarding that.
You wrote “med students body”. I think this should read ‘med students’ body.
When you wrote “Wait for it…Wait for it…” and “Got ya…” I was a little confused. Whose voice was this? I couldn’t fathom if it was the narrater, the girl or the person following her. If you seperate this from the text in a similar manner to speech I think that may have helped.
Although you talk about the “darkened alley” and the “shadows” I feel you could do with adding more description. About both the characters and their surroundings. Personally I like to have some idea of how people look or sound to build that character in my mind. So when I’m reading a piece I can actually create a picture, I find it heps build my interest. Though that is more of a personal thing.
Overall though I thought you did a good job and I will be looking out for the next instalment.
Well done and I hope I have been of some help.
TerJa reviewed Version 2 -
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comma after “the beat” in 4th sentence.
3rd paragraph ”her friends BEGGED her.”
”- – close ups of the med student’s body – -” (possessive)
”- – shaken like a dog with a chew toy.” Wrong. The dog shakes the toy. As you have it both dog and toy are being shaken.
” – - CITED evidence – - ”
” – - like a WOLVES’”
” – -on the offencive, landing – - -“
Not bad, though it needs a good proofing. I didn’t list everything.
Maybe you shouldn’t put publishable in your criteria just yet. There isn’t enough here to know that. Also, it is reading more like a mystery or horror story than a romance.
That said, it is a good story and you have a nice way of giving enough detail to make the story move, but not bog it down. You do a good job with the dialogue too.
I’ll look forward to reading more. Let me know when you post.
brainfreeze reviewed Version 2 -
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I’d like to read what else happens with this storyline. As a fan of werewolves, I was interested in knowing what the Pack was planning to do about this elusive serial killer. I’d like to read the second chapter.
maggers_ann reviewed Version 1 -
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So far, this story has drawn me in. I would like to read more, so when you do, I would like to know. What you have so far has been clear, yet there is still that essense of mystery in it that draws you in. You don’t know what Celina is, but the little hints make you want to know if your prediction is true.
The part about the Hunt confused me a little. Do the police know that the person who has been doing the killings is not human, or is that just what they’re calling trying to find and arrest him?
Though I wasn’t looking for typos, I did find one on page 3 out of 5:
The clubs music ended abruptly as the door swung shut. “club’s”
Thank you, and please tell me if there’ll be more in the future!
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