Thank you so much, this was really helpful! About the year, i didnt put it in so that no matter what year it is when someone reads it, it still seems relatable to a teenager even if it is 20 years later. Also, yes, here a sophmore is about 15/16
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Unconventional pep band
Preface
We were losing 29-30 with twenty seconds to go. You could see the tension of every players face; feel the terror of losing from the other team, although they hid it well. I still remember the smell of caramel corn and the yells from the crowd as vividly as if it were yesterday. All in all it was a great game and an ingenious plan I might add. No one would hear one small scream of pain over the noise made from the crowd that night. It was the perfect cover up.
Chapter 1: The World Before
It was winter, basketball season, or for those of us cool enough to call ourselves band geeks, pep band season. One of the single most amazing times of the year, in my opinion. The second semester is just starting, so schoolwork doesn’t get in the way and winter break just got over with, so our bodies feel refreshed and new. Well at least they did, back before all of this happened. Now everyone is too scared for their life to even think about pep band, or school, or anything else that really matters to people living normal lives.
I suppose I should start off by giving you a little bio on myself. I’m Sam. But, I am a girl. I would just like to get that point straight, right now, that way you don’t get confused later. Samantha Caitlyn Holmes, that’s me, a sophomore at Malan High School in West Virginia where I have lived on the same street, in the same house since I was 20 weeks old in my mother’s stomach. I am also a die hard band geek, as previously mentioned. I love chocolate milk and practice room parties during study hall. Well, I think that’s good for now, so here is where it all started.
The day was Friday, February 18, and it was freaking cold. Let me tell you, I have lived in West Virginia my whole life and I am still not used to all the snow! I mean it’s great at the beginning with all the sledding and snowmen, but by the time you get ten inches of snowfall a month, for three in a row, your mind just says, ok that’s enough, now its time for sunshine! But no, I have to wait at least another month, through the heaviest snow of the year for the snow to even begin to melt.
So, the day was cold and icy, but that sure did not keep our cheerleaders from wearing their itsy, bitsy, teeny, weenie, skirts. Of course I’m not one to talk, I suppose. I myself enjoy wearing short shorts in the middle of summer, but in the dead of winter, when the temperature is below twenty degrees, yea, not so much. There, now that we have established that is was cold, icy day and that I did not approve of the school assigned cheer uniforms, I can continue.
It really was a fairly normal day, well, as normal as high school can get, that is. I’m sure you understand exactly what I am talking about. One of my friends was not coming to pep band because she was fighting with her kind of, sort of boyfriend and another didn’t show up because she supposedly had a zit that she said could be compared to Mount Everest, ahhh, the drama of adolescence. Still, there were always those of us who showed up no matter what. The die hard band geeks, as we called ourselves.
There was actually a fairly large turnout that night, whether it was because it was our rival game or (the more likely reason) because they were serving us pizza and ice cream after, I didn’t know. And really in the long run, on a normal night it never would have mattered, we would have just been happy that our band was definitely going to be louder than their band tonight, but it was not a normal night. No, some loser had to go and kill our best oboe player with a drumstick sometime during the game, but more on that later.
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musicalpoetry reviewed Version 1 -
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paigemc reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a really cute start to the story, and leaves a great cliff-hanger.
I think your protagonist, Sam, will be fun to follow, and she has a great chatty narrative style. And instead of just telling us she is a tomboy and band geek, she shows us. Excellent.
There is good attention to detail.
Nice!
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Lillie_M reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this. I loved your tone and I like the underlying sense of humour I heard in Sam’s voice. I did wonder which year it was? For no particular reason other than curiosity.
You obviously have a good sense of your character, the way she talks in particular. I felt you were giving us enough information to interest us but not too much to give the story away. Yes we know someone is dead and we know the weapon, but I know there’s alot more story to come. The ittle bits about the band members that didn’t turn up worked really well to me. I felt as if I could be talking to any average teenage girl. It’s as if she’s talking to the reader personally. Letting them into her little world. I’m English, so I’m not sure. How old is a Sophmore? I would guess 15/16?
I noticed only a couple of things and as always it’s just personal perception:
of every players – on every
to people living – maybe change it to kids or teenagers, people feels a bit generic
But overall a really good piece.
Keep it up.
JHarvey reviewed Version 1 -
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Great opening sentence. You start the story with clock ticking and something at stake—always a good thing!
players face
player’s face
I think you can “show” the tension between the players more (i.e. feel the terror of losing). Right now you are telling us there is tension, but we want to see it. What does that tension look like, feel like, etc? For example, sweat dripping from the player’s faces, etc.
have lived on the same street, in the same house since I was 20 weeks old in my mother’s stomach. This description seems a little weird to me (20 weeks old in my mother’s stomach) because I’m not sure someone would think of themselves like that. Maybe something like this might work better…”I’ve lived in the same house since I was born.”
No, some loser had to go and kill our best oboe player with a drumstick sometime during the game, but more on that later. (Creative weapon and crime…curious to see how this happened…)
Overall, a good setup for your story. I like the voice it’s written in and love that it’s going in the direction of becoming a lighthearted teen mystery. I think you can turn this into something really good if you keep developing it…and editing and revising.
Catastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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This story has good potential. I like the way you’re casually setting it up.
You need to pay attention to your tenses. When you say “The second semester is just starting,” it was a tense change from the previous sentence.
The narrator’s dialog didn’t have a smooth flow to me. Fillers like “Well, I think that’s good for now” interrupted the rhythm too much.
And I like the title. :)
Good luck with this story!
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this..it’s kind of like the show Glee, but with a muderous twist. I enjoyed the narration..Sam comes off as super peppy…and really into this band thing. The beginning made me believe she was apart of the team not the band so I thought that was pretty funny. Title Suggestion, Um:
Pep To Kill For
maggers_ann reviewed Version 1 -
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I had read the preface before, and as I told you, I enjoyed it very much! I thought that the things that were added onto it were brilliant, and I love the ending portion when you talk about someone killing the best oboe player with a drum stick… someone that I know?
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