Screenplay / Moooovie (Analysis)
EXT: Day Camp. DAY
A girl in a camp counselor uniform stands outside of a bathroom. To her left is a playground littered with little girls running, jumping, screaming, etc. To her right is a pool full of children screaming and splashing. She’s looking blankly at the distance and her concentration is broken by a little voice (Christie) coming from inside of the bathroom.
Christie: Charlie?
Charlie: Yes honey?
Christie: Can you come in?
Charlie: Ok darlin’
Charlie opens the door and looks in, she sees Christie sitting on the toilet, with excrement in her underwear and in the toilet. She is shocked into silence and looks into Christie’s eyes.
Christie (beginning to tear up): I don’t feel so good.
Charlie: Nonononono, honey, it’s fine, it’s completely fine, hold on one second.
Charlie closes the door as Christie is still sniffling. She looks wildly to the left and another female counselor (Jackie) runs over to her.
Jackie: What’s up?
Charlie: She shit herself.
Jackie: What!?
Charlie shrugs helplessly as a third counselor (Alexis) runs with a book bag from the right.
Alexis: I have her bag
Charlie: Someone has to go in here.
All three women look at each other, nod, and then throw out their fists to the middle of their triangle. One can hear Christie crying in the background, mixed with the screaming children from the playground and the pool.
Alexis: Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!
Charlie throws a rock, while Alexis and Jackie throw scissors, Charlie steps back and runs to the playground where a chorus of the counselors’ names has begun. Alexis and Jackie look intently as they play the second round with Jackie winning with scissors and Alexis going into the bathroom. Jackie runs up to Charlie as she (Charlie) is calming a dispute between four girls.
Charlie: So what happened?
All four start talking at once , all full of “she said we’re not friends” “but I just want to play with her” “we don’t want to play that game” “you’re mean!”
Charlie: hey hey hey hey hey! Matilda, apologize to Tatiana. Thank you. (To Matilda) Now, you can’t force people to play with you, there are a million other girls here to play with, go find someone else to play with.
The girls look at her, and start arguing again. Finally another little girl calls off from the distance “we’re playing aliens! Come on!” and all of the girls scamper to that direction. Charlie stands up and looks at Jackie, they roll their eyes together and take a deep breath. Jackie laughs and walks off to another argument between more girls, and Charlie stands there and watches the rest. She looks to the bathroom and sees Alexis walking out with Christie and she gives a thumbs up. She closes her eyes for just a moment before a she hears a girl crying hysterically. Charlie runs off in that direction, coming upon about seven girls accessing the situation.
Charlie: What happened?
Danielle: She was climbing up the slide the wrong way and then she (points to one girl, Olive) ran into her (screaming girl, Georgia).
Olive: It doesn’t matter! She was climbing the wrong way!
Danielle: But we all told you not to go down yet!
Olive: I didn’t hear you! It‘s not my fault!(She starts to cry)
Charlie: Hey, you two, relax! (Softly, to Georgia) Georgia, let’s go to the nurse.
Georgia: Ok.
Georgia stands up holding her head, and they begin to walk. Jackie runs past her to the arguing Olive and Danielle.
Charlie: You know, when I was a kid, I got hit all the time! It’s true, I would run into walls, I even got hit in the eye with a football!
Georgia cracks a smile
Georgia: Did you cry?
Charlie: You know I did. Footballs aren’t supposed to go in eyes. I cried and I passed out. I went (she pretends to pass out and Georgia laughs at her)
Georgia (all in one breath): Once I hit my head on my table at home really hard and it started bleeding and my mommy was scared, but it was just a little cut.
Charlie: That’s good. How does your head feel now?
Georgia: A little better.
Charlie: And you won’t climb up the slide the wrong way anymore?
Georgia shakes her head “no”
Charlie: Yeah? Well I bet the nurse can make it feel all better.
CUT TO: The end of the day
The three counselors are walking the girls to the buses.
Alexis: I won’t forgive you for that.
Charlie: Rock, paper, scissors is a cold mistress.
Alexis: Next time it’s not me.
Jackie: Deal.
Charlie: But…happy birthday! (She takes out a card and hands it to a surprised Alexis)
Alexis: Thank you so much! I still don’t forgive you.
They all start laughing and as they walk off, there’s a montage of Charlie holding several individual little girls as they cry. She’s kneeling on their level and whispering that it’ll be ok. The montage ends with Charlie sitting in at a denny’s with a glass of orange juice in front of her with a blank expression on her face. A distant male voice calls her name.
Voice: Where’d you just go?
Charlie: I was thinking about my summer so far.
Voice (amused): And how are the girls?
Charlie takes a sip of her orange juice and starts to chuckle. She takes the hand that’s sitting on the table and entwines her fingers with his. She looks at the fingers for a minute and then looks up.
Charlie: A girl shit herself today.
The voice (Spencer) laughs.
Spencer: What!?
Charlie: Yup, I saw it and closed the door.
Spencer: On the girl?
Charlie: The other counselor took care of her.
Spencer (laughing): That’s terrible.
Charlie: What would you do?
Spencer: I wouldn’t work at a day camp.
Charlie: Ah, well hindsight is 20/20 isn’t it.
Before Spencer can answer, the waitress comes and gives the pair their food. The pair thank the waitress and they begin to eat. Spencer steals from Charlie’s plate.
Spencer: That’s what they say.
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It’s unclear what the plot is so far, but you effectively set up a scene. It would help to double check the descriptions between the dialog for clarity’s sake. A grammar and proof reading will help as well.
It will be interesting to see where exactly you’re going with this.
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Critiquing this as a secreenplay might be a bit harsh, although as a short-story I found it amusing.
As a screenplay, while it might be a believable movie, it would really only be a few seconds long. Just reading the dialogue alone, and assuming the background plays along simultaneously, takes a little less than fifteen seconds which as we all know isn’t even as long as the average commercial.
That being said however, the authour does a good job introducing us to life as a camp counsellor, with insight at both: the camp itself, and in personal reflection at Denny’s when the day is done.
We come to know Charlie as a calm, compassionate person, with tendancies to let others do her job for her rather than be proactive enough to guarantee it done right away while the need is pressing, as we saw with the poor girl who soiled herself, but then we also see Charlie try and make up for it by giving Alexis a birthday card, something that should maybe have been done before the earlier incident so it didn’t seem like such a peace offering, indicated by Alexis telling Charlie that she still didn’t forgive her.
As a screenplay too, there are far too many introduced characters, some such as the children and the third camp counsellor, Jackie.
Everyone that speaks on film, earns an acting credit, which is costly due to union rules about stage-workers, that being said having an identity can be a bad thing. The kids should just be kids, background actors with no apparant roles, except perhaps Christine the girl who soiled herself.
Jackie too would have been better off playing paper/rock/scissors and departing instead of having her speak three or four (again, costly) words.
Hope this helps!
MC
I thought this was really funny.
My favorite part was,
“Alexis: I won’t forgive you for that.
Charlie: Rock, paper, scissors is a cold mistress.
Alexis: Next time it’s not me.
Jackie: Deal.
Charlie: But…happy birthday! (She takes out a card and hands it to a surprised Alexis)
Alexis: Thank you so much! I still don’t forgive you.”
You are a very talented screenplay writer. I don’t understand the hindsight is 20/20. What does that mean? I also don’t get the montage part. Why is it there? Sorry if I am pointing out stupid things. I am not a screenplay writer and I am also not an advanced writer. I am only 14, going on 15, so there are many things in this world or writing I don’t get.I would hope that you would expand on this because I would love to read more.
Not the kind of things I like to read
about. It’s incomplete as you said,
but it’s well written. The whole
thing takes me from nowhere to nowhere.
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