Thxs for your comments and the fact that you got the points. Some think it might be a bit “harsh” in some PC areas, but I write what I see and feel. Plus I’m 58 years old so seen a few things- Good luck
Humor/Satire / Benefits of a Wal- Mart Economy
Benefits of a Wal-Mart Economy
What if Sam Walton were alive today? The Barnum and Bailey marketer of old would relish in the idea of being President. Who says good things don’t come out of Arkansas; the Fouke monster did or was that Bill Clinton?
Sam was known for his ability to buy at bargain basement prices. In the early days of Wal-Mart he would drive 100’s of miles in the middle of the night to find anything cheap- like underpaid employees. If he could buy liquidated merchandise, like checkered pants and sports coats, he would pay pennies on the dollar. He would then rush them back to his store before morning and use them as a promotional item to draw people in---mostly used car salesmen.
His marketing strategy was buy them cheap, sell them cheap, stack them deep. This way he could unload them on unsuspecting people quickly before they found out who he was. Okay, most people didn’t know that he once was a used car salesman. Used car salesmen are endowed with special abilities. They have a penchant for making the old and run down look like new and improved. This is how politicians came into being.
“Attention Wal Mart Shoppers”( and you thought it was K-Mart) Sam’s voice would boom over the PA system. “At the front of the store, next to the ladies bathroom, by the stock room, next to the garbage bin, pass grandma’s house, 2nd red-light past the curve, I have on sale checkered pants.” The Bible says Hell hath no fury, as a woman scorned. I would like to add used car salesman to that quote. Not letting a used car salesman to his checkered pants and sport coat is tantamount to taking their cigars away from them. How else could they sell cars?
Nonetheless, I believe that Sam Walton could have been just what this country needs right now---- an American. Not a hodge-podge American of questionable descent. We all know where Sam came from, the same place we all come from, our mother’s womb or at least most of us. Our current dictator, who is harboring political ambitions by acting as President of the US, has other ideas. He believes Universal Health Care administered by the US Government will solve the energy crisis. Everyone knows the government has energy, look at all the recesses they get. His idea on abortions are self serving, he wants to make sure his children have the opportunity to murder their children when they find themselves without their father, Michael Jackson. Ever heard of DNA? It’s a fact, 75% of black children born today are born out of wed lock or has no known father, but I think I found them-- in professional sports.
In the Wal- Mart economy Sam would reason that it’s better not to kill your babies. He was an educated man with a degree in advanced mathematics and knew that if more people lived, more people could come to Wal- Mart. They have a baby’s section. It makes perfect sense. If you have more people buying, more money would go into the economy after it passes through his bank account. This way, he could hire more illegal immigrants, which would attract more illegal immigrants and all of them could live in one house painted purple. This is why Mexicans swim the Rio Grande and risk their lives daily illegally entering the US. During Siesta’s back in Mexico, they tell the tales of a man named Sam, while they drink Tequila, eat worms, bust open piñata’s and stop working for 4 hours. Sam knew this.
In the Wal-Mart economy Sam would solve the energy crisis overnight. We would have all the energy we would need plus surpluses surely to last until the next blue light special. He would tell OPEC that he is not paying more than $1 a barrel, take it or leave it. They would of course take it because government regulators could add $90 a barrel of taxes on top of it so they could vote themselves huge raises and appoint a Wal-Mart Czar to oversee discounting. In addition they could kick back the Saudi Royal family to raise up more home grown Al Qaeda to fly for Continental Airlines. “Good afternoon everyone,( using a thick Saudi accent), welcome aboard Continental Airlines. This is your captain, Ali Abba Dabba Dabba Do El Akbar Mohammed Siad , we should be arriving shortly at your FINAL destination.”
In the Wal- Mart economy, there would be no need for Universal Health Care. Wal-Mart has the largest pharmacy in the world. I’ve been there. The other night I had a headache and needed some aspirin. The greeter at the door foaming at the mouth who was an escapee from a nearby asylum, wearing clothes stolen off a homeless man, quickly was of no help. Politely I asked ‘it” for help in what aisle the aspirin was on. His answer was “do you want cheese and fries with that order?” Sensing that “it” was most likely a disturbed “it”, I decided to walk the 10 miles to the other side of the Super Store. Finally the oasis appeared unto me in aisle 2478. There he was--- Jimmy Hoffa, I thought the government, I mean the Mafia, killed him 30 years ago. I let Jimmy know the world is much different now than in his day and that he could possibly form a union for Al Qaeda pilots. I told him getting a job was difficult these days because all employers do a full background check to make sure you are not a white male.
In the Wal- Mart economy all unemployed 58 year old white males who are of natural origin and that can only speak English would be first in line for jobs at McDonalds. These valued jobs should not be withheld from the most deserving amongst us. Sam knew that if he were President and he didn’t make this happen, he would have to hire unemployed 58 year old white males, who would want more money and benefits than illegal immigrants who work for taco’s and live in the stock room. Sam was shrewd this way.
Where is Sam Walton when we need him?
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jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 -
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You used “President” in the second line, as in Sam Walton would be President of the USA? What is the Fouke monster?
This reads like you’re actually saying this, not telling. Done in the first person, this is your voice? Nonetheless, I believe . . . ”_ _ _ _ an American.” You don’t need four dashes, only two.
This is chock full of stereotypes, half truths and confusion.
Put this whole thing in MS Word and you’ll see that there are editing mistakes throughout, especially run-on sentences.
This looks like an attempt to create satire, but it comes off as fairly hateful and sacastic.
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dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, I don’t even know what to say about this. It’s very interesting. I love how you put in the numbers of unwed babies being born, the facts that most white American’s can’t find work because of the illegal immigrants. I like how the store is so flippin big and the staff is not help because in reality, it’s true. I can walk into a Wal-Mart and no one would know where anything was.
Loved it.
music1358 reviewed Version 1 -
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Some of this is clever, some of it funny and some of it offensive. (not necessarily mutually exclusive. I love the idea of Wal -Mart handling Universal Health Care because they have the largest pharmacy in the world. I think you need to go back over this and try and organise it a bit better. The point is to have a dig at Wal- Mart and the US economy. Stick to these areas and hone your targets.
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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It starts out fairly strong, though you throw in a few obscure references in the beginning that might throw off some readers. I know what the Fouke Monster is, but others aren’t going to know that it’s the southern equivalent of Bigfoot.
“It’s a fact, 75% of black children born today…”- Okay, you’ve got more than a few offensive statements within the piece, but that’s okay, because most of them are so over the top that the reader can clearly tell that you don’t mean it. This one though… Ouch. Harsh. I’d seriously reconsider rewording this or just taking it out altogether.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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In terms of content, I like the cohesive thread of Sam Walton. This works despite the rambling nature of this humorous rant. The topic of HealthCareIllegalImmigrantAbortionMuslimBashing is in danger of becoming the fastest Republican cliché in the book. I’d focus on one of these issues, or at least remove the comments about Universal Health Care since you don’t present any arguments against it.
Proofreading Notes:
relish in (the preposition in isn’t needed)
100’s of miles = hundreds (spell out with no apostrophe, which would indicate possessive rather than plural)
If the phrase “buy them cheap…” is something Sam Walton said, it needs to be in quotation marks.
run down = run-down (reads better)
sports coat or sport coat?
...taking their cigars… (The only antecedent in this sentence is salesman, which is singular.)
...75% of black children…has (agreement. Here, the subject is plural, so have.)
Tequila = tequila (not a brand)
piñata’s = piñatas (possessive not plural)
58 year old white males = 58-year-old
taco’s = tacos (plural not possessive)
Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 1 -
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A bit scattered at some parts of the story, I had to go back a read to figure out what was going on.
Pretty funny, especially the ending. I found your ending the most amusing of the whole piece.
I would work on being a bit cleaer in the first section. It changes to quickly and I could grasp it at first.
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