Thxs for your input. that warning has been pointed out to me by others as well to drop. My intent was to draw readers in more to what they thought it was and build a crescendo effect before derailing-
Humor/Satire / First Love
First Love
I remember the first time I saw her. I had never felt this way before. I was 15 years old and I had heard about this from all my friends in the locker room. They gave a lot of pointers of what to look for and what was important in her. I was instructed not to be in a hurry, but to go slowly, take my time and be sure about what I was doing and most of all be careful. If I made a mistake at this point, well it could really cost me. My more experienced friends had already been down that road so I listened closely to what they were saying. This was a first for me and I was nervous. There is a lot of peer pressure at 15 and this rite of passage had to be executed properly.
My older brother Mike and I were out cruising one day and I told him about my feelings for her. Mike was married and had a daughter already so he knew a lot about the subject. He had already been through it more than once. A wise and experienced person I needed and because he was my brother I completely trusted his advice. He asked me where she lived and if I wanted him to take me there. I was anxious but ready to take the plunge or at least I wanted to drive by and see if I could see her. She had been outside the previous weekend soaking up some sun, so I knew she liked the outdoors.
I think what first attracted me to her was the way she looked. There’s no denying that men like to look and my boyish voyeurism wasn’t going to be denied on this babe. I’m sure she had been looked over many times. I didn’t mind because something in me said that she would be mine. Men like to show off their ladies and this beauty was sure to turn some heads. I could imagine me taking her to the prom and my classmates would swoon all over her.
We drove by again, several times. There she was, just the way I remembered her from the previous week. This time though, her beauty shined through where I couldn’t take it any longer. I noticed her every curve and contour, the way she held herself, and her dark pigmentation which highlighted her inner beauty. I had to stop. I asked Mike to circle one more time so I could muster up some courage. The last time around the expectation and excitement built until I was almost in a cold sweat.
The moment had come. Mike stopped, and I approached her timidly at first.(WARNING! The following is intended for mature audiences). I couldn’t help myself. Without saying a word I ran my hand down her long, slender body. Touching her rear end I knew I had gone too far now to turn back now. She purred sweetly when she spoke to me and her rumbling heartbeat was intertwined with mine. What could separate me now?
So, I pulled out my $800 and bought my first love, my first car a 62 Chevy Impala black with red interior.
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BTBeamon reviewed Version 1 -
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That was pretty good. You had me on track with the descriptions and feelings. I was thinking at the end that things weren’t going to turn out so good with the touching, and then the last line. Now re-reading it just makes me laugh!
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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All going well, BUT- ‘(WARNING! The following is intended for mature audiences)’- I don’t think you need this. When I read your work, I want to forget I’m sat in this chair looking at my computer screen in my bedroom. I want to be in your story. Just like I do when I read anything. But your warning reminds me that I’m only reading. It takes me out of the moment. If you want to put that in, make it your first line. Or mark it ‘Mature’ when you upload.
Haha, you had me. It’s a car. Good.
paulfogarty reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a nice idea for a story but it ain’t so much humour/satire as a long build up to a single line ending with a twist. The fact you have it listed in humour/satire already builds up the reader’s expectation that it’s gonna have at least some funny/quirky/satire type bits and pieces sprinkled through much of the piece, so that might detract from how others react to it. If you’d left it out of the humour/satire category and put it some place else all that expectation does not get in the way of what is a story that is enjoyable enough. I would leave out the reference to your brother being married and having a daughter already cos it sticks out and gets in the way of the effect you are trying to set up. You need his being married and having a daughter relevant to both asking a girl out on a date AND checking out a cool used car. See what I mean? And I’d leave out the warning part, as well. These two points are both just distractions from your very capable writing.
hypatia reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very cool tale with a surprising twist that both works and doesn’t work for me.
It works because every act leading up to the car is geared towards having a crush on a woman. You write this part very well to the point I never saw the Chevy coming.
It doesn’t work because of ‘Men like to show off their ladies.’ I have never heard a man call his car a lady. She purrs like a kitten and similiar.
You could expand on this by seeing others but none of them catching your eye, perhaps even flirting with you by flaunting their good looks with flashy badges/jewellery/bright colours, wider rears. Whereas yours does not flaunt her looks, does not need to, like the girl next door type versus loud & trashy or vice versa as I do not know what a Chevy Impala looks like.
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay, it’s cute, but most of the humor comes from the reveal, and it’s really not all that “ha-ha”. I personally would add another twist at the end where he tries to have sex with the car, but that’s just me.
“important in her.”- this is an odd turn of phrase. “To” or “about” instead of “in” would suit this better.
“A wise and experienced person I needed”- Another odd phrase. Put “I needed” at the beginning, or maybe “What I needed was a wise….”
Finally, I noticed a decided lack of commas in your compound sentences. For example, “There’s no denying that men like to look and my boyish voyeurism wasn’t…” should have a comma between “look” and “and”. There are several more instances of this. I’m not usually a grammar and punctuation Nazi, but this was really noticeable.
marebarr reviewed Version 1 -
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“A wise and experienced person ” in second para is awkward. I would rephrase it.
There are a couple of other places that I would fix such as “Men like to show off their ladies..” You might lose a large percentage of your female readers right there and it starts out so innocent, and that is appealing and pulling the reader in, so to say “ladies” kind of changes it to a little creepy.
I like it and where it take us as the reader. Fun, light. A little fine tuning and it will be ready for print.
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