And that’s why I wanted you to take another look! Thank you very much, your comments really help! ”Nitpicking” is what I need! Through most of the book, Katie doesn’t get to see the harshness in Robert. Around her (and her sister in the later chapters) he’s generous and kind. Near the end, she hears him saying the “F” word a few times and is really horrified, but that’s who he is. He actually becomes different around her (or trys to be different). There are actually a few lines later when they’re apart, where Robert thinks to himself “I would never have done that around Katie.” And as for Stewart, he’s the typical, lying male. I’ve known cheaters (one is a friend, actually) and that’s what they always say to the women they cheat with, “It’s a marriage of convienience.”
Romance / A Writer's Love Story (Analysis)
Chapter One
Katie sat on the train thinking about Stewart. Her mind flashed through the last couple of months with him. Things had started out casually when he had wandered into the reception area where she worked, and had hit on her. She had been broken up with her last boyfriend for several months and was enjoying the attention. As they talked, he had gotten more and more physical with his advances. Before she knew it, she had let things go further than she had really intended.
She had met up with Stewart three more times after that, each time he took her to dinner, and then they ended up at some motel. Each time, she had let him talk her into going a bit further than she had planned. He rarely talked about himself during these dates, if you could really even call them that. She would try and try to get him to talk about himself, but would eventually give up, surrendering to his forward advances. She longed for a more meaningful relationship, and chose to ignore all the bad signs she saw in him.
After the last night they had spent together, he had invited her to a cabin with him for this coming weekend. She had accepted, hoping to be able to maybe get some kind of commitment from him, to maybe find out what he really wanted. A small part of her didn’t want to know what he really wanted. Part of her saw all the bad signs, and knew. The thought that she was just being used gnawed at her constantly, whenever she would think about him. She was actually dreading the trip, as much as looking forward to it.
She was getting older, 32 now in fact. She had always received a lot of attention from men, but in her thirties it was seemingly harder and harder to meet anyone she really liked. Most people her age seemed to either be married, or going out with someone else.
After her train pulled into Manhattan, she walked the rest of the way to work, a small company called B & W Publishing. She was an executive assistant to Arthur Goldstein, one of the Editors.
She arrived at the publishing building and walked inside smiling. It was Friday and her mind was buzzing with thoughts about Stewart and the cabin. She saw Stewart talking to another woman she didn’t know. She stopped, standing across the large lobby area and watched.
He must have some kind of business with her, Katie thought to herself, I’m sure it’s nothing. In the back of her mind though, warning bells were going off..
The woman smiled, folded her arms around Stewart’s neck, and began to kiss him. Katie was horrified. She watched as Stewart leaned in to the woman and pulled her close. She wanted to cry, or scream, but promised herself she wouldn’t. The couple finished kissing and as the woman walked away, Stewart said loudly to her, “I know this was a special occasion Carol, but remember, you can’t just come to my work place like this!” He was smiling, but his face changed the instant he saw Katie. He walked quickly towards her looking around suspiciously as he did.
“Kitten, that wasn’t what you think, I can explain it.”
“You were kissing her.” Katie said feeling emotion starting to well up inside her.
“Ok yes, I was kissing her. But there’s an explanation.”
“Kissing her!” Katie repeated loudly, holding the tears back now by pure will.
“I had to,” Stewart said looking around, “She’s…ok, she’s my wife. But you don’t understand.”
“You’re married?” Katie asked horrified.
“Yes, but it’s a marriage of convenience! I don’t love her! We only stay together because of the kids! I love you, it’s always been you!” Stewart said trying to take Katie’s hand. She jerked it away from him.
“You’re married and have kids? You son of a bitch, how could you? So all this time you’ve just been using me for sex?” She screamed. She couldn’t hold the tears back anymore and they began to flow down her face.
“Kitten, listen…it’s not what you think.”
Katie slapped him and walked quickly towards the elevator crying. She could hear him behind her, still calling her name. How could she have not known he was married? How could she have not known he was just using her? Why did she just ignore the signs? Had she really been that desperate to find love? As the elevator doors opened she climbed on, grateful there was no one else around to ride with her. She dried her eyes as best she could on the ride up to floor 36. The doors opened and she walked quickly towards her reception office, hoping Mr. Goldstein wasn’t in yet. He wasn’t, the glass door to the reception area was still locked. She used her keys to unlock the door, entered and quickly sat down behind her desk.
She pulled out a tissue from a nearby box and dried her eyes again. She put her head in her hands and after a minute slammed her fists down, trying to keep the tears back. As she struck the desk, her watch band broke and it bounced and landed nearby on the floor. She didn’t bother to pick it up.
Mr. Goldstein opened the door and walked quickly through the reception area towards his office, “Good morning Katie, thank goodness you’re here! I have to meet with one of our authors this morning. They tell me he’s very difficult, but he’s written a best seller so let me know the minute he gets here, ok? His name is…” He looked at a paper in his hand, “Robert Wacaster.”
“Yes Sir,” Katie answered, using a tissue to quickly wipe tears from her cheeks.
Mr. Goldstein looked up from the paper at her, “Are you ok? Is something wrong?”
“No Sir,” Katie smiled, “Just my allergies acting up.”
He watched her closely for a minute, “Ok…if you’re sure. I’ll be in my office, let me know the instant he gets here.”
“Yes Sir.” She smiled again. After he left, she dropped her head down onto her desk and tried not to cry.
Chapter Two
About an hour later the door to the reception area opened and a man walked inside. He was wearing blue jeans and a black t-shirt. He had a handsome, confident look about him. He walked over in front of Katie’s desk and looked down at her with an aggravated look on his face.
“Hey, is this…uh, what the hell is the guy’s name? Goldstein’s office? I’m supposed to meet with some guy named Goldstein.”
Katie looked up at him, “Yes Sir, this is Mr. Goldstein’s office. How may I help you today?”
“My name’s Robert Wacaster, I’m here to see him about a book contract or something, I don’t know.”
“Oh, Mr. Wacaster, of course,” Katie sniffed, “He’s been waiting for you!” She picked up the phone on her desk and pushed a button, “Mr. Goldstein, Mr. Wacaster is here to see you.”
Robert saw her broken watch on the floor and walked over to pick it up, “Is this yours?”
Katie gave him a weak smile, “Oh, yes. Thank you Sir, Mr. Goldstein is ready for you now, you can just go on in.”
“Your watch broke, huh? Having that kind of day?”
“You wouldn’t believe it if I told you.” Katie said sadly looking down at her desk.
Robert looked at her for a minute and then walked into the office.
About half an hour later, Robert came walking back out of the office and stopped in front of Katie’s desk again, “Hey, you aren’t going anywhere for a while, are you?”
“Going anywhere?” Katie asked looking up at him.
“Yeah, you’ll be here the whole day, right?”
“I’m…I’m here until 5 pm, Sir.”
“Ok,” Robert said with a smile, “But don’t call me Sir. Robert, Rob, Bob, I don’t care, but you don’t have to call me Sir.” He turned and walked out of the reception area. He looked so happy and carefree, it almost brought tears to Katie’s eyes again.
Chapter Three
Robert walked out of the building and waved for a cab. He had a car service available to him, but didn’t fell like calling and waiting for them to show up. His thoughts drifted to the blonde woman at the reception desk. She had looked so pretty, yet so sad. Just seeing her looking like that had made his heart ache. Someone had hurt her, or she had been given bad news, or something. His meeting with her boss had went fairly well, and he now had nothing to do but go back to his hotel. Instead, he decided he wanted to make the pretty, blonde woman happy. He tried waving for a cab again as several drove past him. He began to scream profanity down the street at them. Finally, one pulled over to the curb near him. He climbed inside and handed a fifty dollar bill up to the driver.
“Take me to the nearest jewelry store and then wait by the curb, ok?”
“No problem, Pal.” The cabbie said and pulled up three blocks.
Robert got out of the car and looked up at the sign on the store’s window. Tiffany and Co., it said. He walked inside past a security guard holding the door for him. A well dressed woman met him at a nearby counter, “Welcome to Tiffany and Company, how may we help you today, Sir?”
Robert stood there and thought for a moment. He had come to the jewelry store on a whim. Now that he was here, he wasn’t sure what to do. His mind flashed back to the broken watch he had found on the floor.
“I need a watch.”
The clerk began taking out men’s watches to show him.
“Oh no, it’s not for me! I need a ladies watch, please.”
The clerk looked at him with a smile, “Ah, I see. Do you have a specific price range you’d like to see, Sir?”
“Show me something to make an upset girl happy.”
“Very good Sir,” The clerk said with a smile. She began to pull out several watches to show him, “Is this something for an…apology, maybe?”
“No, I just met a girl and thought she needed some cheering up. A nice watch will cheer her up, don’t you think?”
The clerk nodded empatically, “Oh everything here should pretty much cheer up any woman, Sir.”
Robert looked over the watches she had set out on the counter, “How much is this one?” He asked holding a watch up.
“You have excellent taste, Sir! That is our Paloma's Crown of Hearts watch with diamonds in 18 karat white gold. An excellent choice at eight thousand, five hundred dollars. I’ll almost gaurantee this will cheer up any woman you give it to!”
“You guys can wrap things, right? Maybe put a nice bow on it?”
“Of course, Sir! We can always make things special for that special person of yours.”
“Yeah, whatever.” He said handing a credit card across to the clerk.
Robert walked out of the store and back to the cab that was still sitting by the curb waiting for him. He climbed inside and held out another fifty dollar bill.
“Make a u-turn here and take me back the three fucking blocks.”
“I can’t do that, a u-turn is against the law here.” The cab driver said looking back at him.
“But it was ok to take fifty dollars for a three block drive, huh? Fine, take me around the damned block! I hate New York, all you people are just a big pain in the ass!”
The driver took the offered money and pulled out without saying another word. He drove around the block stopping in front of the publishing building again. Robert jumped out and slammed the door. He walked back into the building and pushed the elevator button. Another man in a suit walked up next to him and looked him up and down. As the elevator arrived, Robert let out a large belch and then climbed on and pushed 36.
“Excuse you!” The man in the suit said with a nasty look.
Robert looked back at him and as the elevator door closed, raised one leg and let out a large fart. “Would you like to excuse that one, too?” He asked laughing. The man gave him an angry look and then got off the elevator on floor 30. Robert continued to laugh as the doors opened on 36.
He walked back into the small reception area, and over to Katie’s desk again, “Hi, I don’t think I really introduced myself properly earlier, I’m Robert.” He smiled as he held out his hand.
Katie looked up at him and slowly reached out to shake his hand with a small smile, “I’m Katie, did you forget something? I didn’t know Mr. Goldstein wanted you to come back so soon.”
“No I uh…this is kind of awkward, but I …uh…” Robert began to blush a deep, scarlet color, “It looked like you were having such a bad day, and your watch was broken. I just brought you something to maybe cheer you up and make your day better.” He held out the Tiffany and Co. bag.
Katie looked at the bag and her breath caught in her throat. The small smile dropped from her face as she looked at the bag, “This is from Tiffany’s.”
“Yeah, little place a couple of blocks from here.”
She looked up at him and almost had to remind herself to breathe, “For me? But…I can’t accept that!” The thought that Robert was married and just wanted to use her for sex immediately came into her head.
Robert smiled and set the bag down on her desk. He reached inside and pulled out the small, wrapped package and held it out to Katie, “Go on, open it.”
She looked at the package he was holding and was almost afraid to touch it. As she looked up into his eyes, he was smiling at her. He’s so handsome, she thought to herself, something’s got to be wrong with him. She slowly took the package and unwrapped it. As she opened the case, she let out a gasp.
“I can’t accept this, this must have cost a fortune!”
“Sure you can, your watch broke. Go on, I want you to have it.”
“I…I…I,” Katie stammered.
Robert reached out and took the case from her. He removed the watch and gently took her left hand and turned it palm up. He then pulled the watch from it’s case and buckled it on her wrist. He took hold of her hand again as he turned it this way and that, admiring the watch.
“It fits perfectly! And it looks wonderful on you!”
Katie looked at the watch on her wrist and felt emotion welling up inside her again. After a few moments, she jumped up from her desk and wrapped her arms around Robert’s neck, tears spilling down her cheeks. She pulled him close crying.
“Oh man, I thought it would make you happy, not sad!”
“I am happy!” Katie sobbed hugging him close.
Robert put his arms around her waist and gave her a quick squeeze, “Wow, you’re an emotional one, aren’t you?”
Katie leaned back with her arms still around his neck and looked into his eyes, “Thank you, this is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.” As she looked into his eyes, a small jolt of excitement passed through her. It was something she’d never felt around Stewart, or any other man for that matter. It was as if she saw something in his eyes.
“I think you’ve been hanging around with the wrong people then.” Robert smiled back.
Katie realized she still had her arms around his neck and quickly pulled them away, “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to…”
“That’s ok, I rather liked it! Uh…I don’t really know my way around town and I’m kind of here by myself on this trip…would you maybe…uh…well, I was going to ask if you’d want to have dinner with me, but you probably have a boyfriend, right?”
“You’re married, aren’t you?” She asked, hesitantly.
“Me, married?” Robert asked, “No, not me. Nobody can stand me. I’m not married, are you?”
Katie sighed and shook her head, “No, but the last guy I went out with was married, and I didn’t find out until today.”
“Oh, no wonder you were so down in the dumps, I’m so sorry.” Robert said looking concerned, “Some guys are shitbags. So how about dinner?”
Katie’s thoughts swept back to Stewart, “I…I don’t know.”
“No strings attatched, it might make you feel even better than the watch did! I know I’ll feel better.”
This drew a smile from Katie, “I do appreciate the thought. You don’t have a girlfriend somewhere, do you? This isn’t some…?”
“No, no girlfriend.” Robert smiled, “It’s just me, single me.”
Katie smiled looking at the watch on her wrist, “Ok…maybe. When would you like to go to dinner?”
“Is tonight ok? I hate eating alone in the restaurants here, I always get funny looks.”
“Ok, yes.” Katie smiled up at him. Something about him gave her a warm feeling inside, “Yes, I’d like to have dinner with you.”
“I don’t really know New York. Can you maybe call me when you’re ready to go? I can give you my cell phone number if you’d like.”
“Yes, I think that would be ok.” Katie smiled, “I’ll call you after I get off work. I can take a cab or something to meet you.”
“No way, the publisher said they would provide me with a car service if I wanted to go somewhere, I can drop by and pick you up so you don’t have to take cabs and spend money just to see me!”
Katie looked into his eyes, part of her looking for any bad signs. Anything that would tell her to stay away from him. Looking into his eyes though, she just felt that same, warm, excited jolt. She held out her hand towards him.
Robert took her hand and shyly shook it. He then wrote down his cell phone number on a post it note on Katie’s desk. Katie wrote down her cell phone number on another post it and handed it to Robert. He winked at her and walked back out the door with the same happy, carefree walk he had left the office with earlier. Katie sighed and turned to the computer on her desk. Mr. Goldstein had said he was one of their authors and she wanted to find out everything she could about him before dinner.
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Overall I found very few problems with this, just a few typos popped up.
page 7- “I’ll almost gaurantee this ” misspelled the word “guarantee”
page 9- “He then pulled the watch from it’s case ” common misspelling of the word “its”. “It’s” is a contraction of the words “it and is”, while “its” denotes possession as in the case if the watch’s case.
Otherwise, as I said, nothing else I can find wrong with it. I was kept interested the entire time, and I thought the part where he farted in the elevator was funny. Keep up the good work! I hope to read more soon!
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Your writing style flows very well. You are a good writer and I enjoyed reading your story, if you add more I will be sure to read it. I did not find any grammar mistakes and overall it was sweet. Great job!
I know this was a special occasion Carol,- This just makes me wonder…Will we ever know what the special occasion was?
Yes, but it’s a marriage of convenience! I don’t love her! -curious about this. Why is he kissing her with what seems to be passion from what I am getting…Be clear on this for me. I want to understand him!
When Mr. Goldstein comes in he seems to notice something is amiss which tells me he isn’t too horrible a boss. Since he actually stops what he is doing to give Katie attention, how does he not notice the watch that Mr. Wancaster sees?
Can you be more specific? Maybe it bounces behind something. Tell us, Mr. Goldstein continued into his office, not noticing the watch. Or after asking Katie, Mr. Goldstein goes back to his paperwork, never noticing the small band on the floor. How does Robert then notice? (Maybe Mr. Goldsteins vision is going badly, glasses perhaps?) Maybe he is standing in a specific position Mr. Goldstein was not? LOL I know this sounds trivial but I want to be able to envision this.
to make the pretty, blonde woman happy-you already mention she is blonde and pretty. Why not just go with He wanted to make her happy, for reasons he could not understand.
special for that special -consider another word. Too redundant. Something special for this girl of yours…
Make a u-turn here and take me back the three fucking blocks. -Not sure how to react to the way he is treating the Cabby. I thought he was a nice guy, why all of this harshness?
Also with the man in the elevator (for some reason I am picturing this as Stewart, but he doesn’t know this.) Why such mood swings?
Me, married?” Robert asked, -he should chuckle at this…I did.
Better reaction to the asking her out. Sorry I seem to be nitpicking, but I do that sometimes. I am glad she didn’t jump immediatly at the dinner invite. Now she doesn’t seem so desperate!
It cute…but honestly, I think I should be able to fall in love with this talented handsome writer, but him belching and farting in the elevator. Mayjor turn off.
I really have to say however that the beginning was well written, when she’s being used. Your going to connect well to a large audience with that piece.
Anyways good luck with it. :)
I actually enjoyed this, but it feels too short. In the span of a few pages you go from learning about a relationship to that relationship ending. You go from a girl optimistic about her weekend, even if she has worries, to that same girl bawling on her desk. I think that it could be stretched out a bit, anticipation built up a little more slowly, so that the reader has a chance to connect a bit more with the main character.
I did find a few things that trouble me in certain parts, but on the whole the technical aspect of this is really good. It has very few mistakes. You could describe emotions a little more (this goes into expanding on the piece), like her shoulders or lips trembling, the feel of tears on her face, droplets hitting her desk that she has to wipe up quickly when the boss arrives, etc… but all in all I liked it.
By the way, you should put ‘chapter 1’ or something in the title, if it weren’t for the notes I wouldn’t have known this was part of a book and would likely have reviewed it quite differently- and not in a good way.
Since this is a short piece, I’ll go ahead and point out the worrisome bits directly.
“They had slept together from the first time they had met…” This feels awkward, it needs a bit more explaining in my opinion. Did they get together that first time just to have sex or was it an actual date that just happened to end that way? This line alone has the potential to change the tone of the story- the reader can either feel concerned for her or think ‘what did she think would happen?’.
The first paragraph jumps from ‘memories’, ‘cabin thoughts’, ‘memories’, ‘cabin thoughts’. I think you should run through her experiences first and then place all of the expectations she has for the trip at the end of the paragraph.
”...lay in bed and talk about their future.” This has a lot of power behind it, more than you might have intended. It’s obvious she’s looking for something a little deeper than sex from the man, but this screams of ‘commitment’ in a big way. It might be reworded, leaving out ‘future’, to make the expectations feel a little less grand.
”...but for some reason he always made her suspicious” You’ve already stated a few of the ways he’s been acting suspicious, ‘for some reason’ isn’t necessary here.
”...talk about himself, though.” The ‘though’ here isn’t needed.
”...wasn’t married, or…well, to put it nicely, decent.” The way its worded makes it feel like she’s looking for someone who’s not married OR decent.
“She couldn’t wait for the weekend to start.” If she has suspicions about him, and the previous line ‘she would find out everything’ adds to that fact, I would think she’d be dreading the trip as much as looking forward to it.
”...a small publishing company called B & W Publishing.” Leave out the first ‘publishing’ here, it’s obvious from the name it’s a publishing company.
“He must have some kind of business with her, Katie thought to herself…” I think you should italicize the thoughts here to make them stand out more.
”...draped her arms around Stuart’s shoulders…” ‘Draped’ means ‘hanging down’, I don’t think she’s tall enough for her arms to do that.
“He wasn’t and the glass door to the reception area was still locked.” Should be ‘He wasn’t, the glass door…’
”...down behind her desk.” After this you use the word ‘desk’ enough to be repetitive.
”...her watch band broke and her watch bounced…” Another repeat, try to avoid that. Repeated words make a reader’s brain feel like its stuttering.
”...one of our authors this morning. He should be here sometime today.” The second part seems out of place, ‘today’ is a much broader span of time than ‘this morning’, you could leave the second part out entirely, or switch the words around so that ‘today’ comes first.
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Chapter one started out okay, I liked the development on Katie but I feel like it needs more to really draw the reader in. Then it was painfully obvious that she was going to get let down and even more obvious that he was married. I’d suggest a different more interesting approach to where she didn’t suspect anything… and make it so the reader doesn’t suspect anything. Also it’s the start of a very typical romance, it reminds me of just about any romance comedy I can think of. Smart and pretty girl who has a stupid jerk for a boyfriend let her down, then in comes Mr. Right in chapter two… if she goes back to Stewart, or Stuart… (you changed the spelling of his name later in the first chapter…) I’m going to be very disappointed.
Also in chapter 1 you had some mispelled words, one of which was occation, I’m sure this is meant to be occasion. Also a lot of the time your structure of paragraphs and sentences are off but I’m not going to get into that.
Chapter two was a bit too short to me, and you kind of got into this half an hour later, kind of cut off. I’d like to see some time pass as I read and really develop Katie in chapter two, how about some of her thoughts and feelings, some history between dialogue is really good to add in and helps the reader get to know your characters. Maybe some details on expressions so we get an idea of what they are doing and how they move.
More intot he dialogue I don’t want to sound mean but it’s very boring, I’d like it to be more interesting such as saying things that most people wouldn’t say. This feels like a cookie cutter story and I can predict just about anything anyone is going to say or do. It makes it hard to read.
As we go into chapter three, Robert doesn’t have much of a personality. It briefly touches on how he is carefree and kind of crass. But you lose touch with the character and all the people you write in seem to have the same kind of dialogue.
As he gets back to the building he belches, and then after some guy confronts him you say he lets out a large fart. I didn’t know farts were large. Loud, smelly, motor sounding, disgusting, or something like that… but large… seemed out of place.
Next he offers her a gift which seems totally off for this kind of setting, but then Katie goes for it with only a slight second thought. The he asks her to meet him at his hotel… something she’d been doing with Stewart or Stuart, that she didn’t like and off she goes with excitement.
This really feels like it wasn’t thought out and it feels rushed. We lose sight of Katies character, and Roberts personality is out of character off and on. He’s a prankster he’s an ass, we aren’t sure really but he’s nice to Katie. Also as a reader I don’t care about Robert. This is a guy who is going after Katie and obviously he’s going to play a large role in the main characters life. Yet I know nothing about him other than he’s inconsistent. Katie is also out of character, and it’s all very typical with little interest or exciting things going on. It feels very dry, and hard to read because of it.
I’d like to suggest adding more development, more thoughts, and more detail. Add some expressions and try to keep them in character, as in consistent personalities. I don’t believe Katie would just jump up and hug Robert, and I don’t believe Robert would belch and fart in an office building on his way to give a gift to a girl that he probably shouldn’t have bought for her. To make me believe this, I’d need some background and more thoughts on their characters.
I don’t like this piece of work, for one it isn’t finished, second it isn’t well thought out… like you weren’t trying. Third it isn’t original. Not being original is okay for practice, but when doing something that’s been done before it’s a good idea to add some more excitement and pace the story well. Draw us in so we can’t stop reading.
I know you can write this better, you have talent in there. It just needs to be worked on a lot more.
I enjoyed this piece, even though it seemed to end a little abruptly. You are a captivating story teller. I would love to read a continuation of this story. What on Earth would happen next??
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