Your cheeks become rosy red from increased blood flow. This can be felt. At least I for one, can feel when my cheeks become rosy red.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Wick - chp.1
The flames licked my rosy red cheeks. Red from the warmth mind you, not the embarrassment of regret. I was happy with my work. After all, few people have the guts, the moxey, the providence to do what I do. Some hide from my generosity. Haha, I suppose they fear that if I keep on giving, that I will have nothing left for myself. Some may even want to track me down to give me credit for the hard work I put in here. But the attention is more than enough. They will know what I’ve done, just not that I did it is all. But that is what a truly generous human does am I right? Give everything, and take nothing. Well, almost nothing. Save for the mementos I collect of my inglorious drudgery.
Bless their hearts; those people. I won’t stop until I have their hearts. I mean, I want love just like anyone else. But you have to work hard to earn it. Here I stand earning their love; an anonymous paragon; a star that burns so brightly, but in a spectrum that the human eye cannot see. That’s exactly what I am.
It was burning nicely now in the oil drum. The drum was old and rusted with holes dotting the surface. The holes were portals deeper into the inferno where I couldn’t reach. In fact, the light emanating from the holes reminded me of a pumpkin at Halloween. I would take that kitchen knife in my hand. It was so lustrous. I saw myself in that knife. No it was not a reflection. I was a part of it. I was stabbed into the fleshy skin of that pumpkin. I was used to carve the eye slot, the nose slit, and the mouth of that slut. And then, well then we put the candle in the center and lit int. So I lit the match and gazed at the flame; no I didn’t see myself in the fire and I will tell you why in due time because it is about time to leave. But first I will finish my story, quickly mind you. So I would light the candle and rapture! The vegetable lit our porch up for hours. Well I would have to put the flame out to be safe. Nobody wants the fire to spread. No, nobody deserves to die in a fire, fire is for cremation. The person must always be dead before cremation. Long ago I decided that ashes can’t love. It’s important to preserve the love that everyone holds in their hearts and I ask you, how can one do this when they burn alive? It is not right what they did to the witches of Salem, to the blasphemers of Medieval Europe, or the daredevils of today. Part of me had to laugh at that last part. They play around with fire like it’s a game, but it’s amazing how much fire gets people’s attention.
I looked around at the dense brush lining the clearing; maple… oak… another maple… car. That was the jolt I needed to remind me; it was time to take my leave. I tightened my tie as I started the engine and closed the car door with a loud “pump”. The fire was still burning away as I place the cooler on the passenger seat and the ring on the glovebox. And then it hit me with the force of an avalanche, it was brilliant. The Halloween flashback had given me the best idea, a way to give even more back to the community.
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dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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music1358 reviewed Version 1 -
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joshuasambula reviewed Version 1 -
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Pretty damn good, I was reading, and though I know almost nothing, I’m still very interested, I hope to see more soon.
There are only a few things I’d like to note:
When talking about the knife and its relation to the protagonist, there are too many separate sentences. I would suggest throwing one or two commas in that area,
“Candle and lit int”. You mean Candle and lit it.
And finally, when your character was talking about Halloween, it was starting to sound a bit like rambling. I would suggest dividing that into two separate paragraphs, just to create a break in his reverie so the readers can keep up.
Other than that, great work. I’m looking forward to more.
Oh, and to answer the questions you put in your notes, I would say that the protagonist is a serial arsonist, and fancies himself a hero, a vigilante. What is he burning exactly? I’m not quite sure, he’s in a clearing and I can’t imagine that he’s burning anything down. So rather he brought something there to burn… perhaps a body? Hopefully I find out more in the future.
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raisedbywolves reviewed Version 1 -
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I agree with the last reviewer. It would be easier to form a solid opinion of certain stylistic elements if the character were introduced more fully. Some of the terms used sound more classical in nature, more highbrow or romantic, but other times it sounds like someone writing on the internet. What I mean is, it sounds like you’re blending time periods, mixing the writing of your influences with the writing you do on a day-to-day basis, and I can’t tell if that’s an element of the character or an inconsistency in the writing. Otherwise, some of your language was really well done. The paragraph that starts with the description of the oil drum is very good.
Stillicide reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you have a really good idea of the story you are trying to tell. I just think you need to introduce the character into the story. You are learning their thoughts but not attaching it to any description. I don’t really know where I am.
This is just the beginning so I know the reader won’t know everything, but if this is the full chapter 1 I think the character should be introduced in a more tangible way.
Lillie_M reviewed Version 1 -
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Honestly, I don’t really have an idea what the man is doing. Obviously that could well just be my reading of it but I did feel that you needed to add more information.
It also felt a little disjointed in parts. It is definitely a mystery but maybe too much of one for me personally. Was he burning something that was harmful to the place he lives in.
I did notice a couple of things though:
human does am I right – a comma after does or you could split this into two sentences
deeper into the inferno where I couldn’t reach – maybe change to ‘inferno than I could reach’
pumpkin at Halloween – pumpkin’s eyes at
No it – no, it
slut – was this supposed to be slot?
So I lit the match and gazed at the flame; no I didn’t see myself in the fire and I will tell you why in due time because it is about time to leave – this sentence felt awfully long and I had to re-read acouple of times
Nobody wants – nobody would want
Overall I did like the style and tone of your writing but because I was at a loss to the truth I found it a little of a struggle.
paigemc reviewed Version 1 -
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Just a note—if this is first-person POV, the narrator wouldn’t know his/her cheeks are rosy red unless he/she can see them. Or feel the heat from the fire, or the sting of windburn. So the reader shouldn’t know rosy red.
The narrator sounds like someone who is confused as to their own standing, perhaps feels others adore him. And he sounds like an arsonist.
But from this quick blurb, not sure it would keep my attention.
Persephone reviewed Version 1 -
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You use a plethora of simple sentences. Is this the effect you’re trying to achieve? If so, then it is fine—Hemingway wrote similarly. If this is not the effect you’re trying to achieve, I think you should add more complex sentences to your prose. That being said, you have evocative diction, and this idea has potential.
Zeb reviewed Version 1 -
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I love!!! What I think he is doing is thinking over how to kill someone himself or find a kiler. It is so mysterious because you do not tell where he works but you say people loves him. It seems like he would be a famous detective. It seems as if he is examining things--the pumpkin--but for what reason? I do not know.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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I saw myself in that knife. i saw my reflection in the knife.
not the embarrassment of regret. I might add the work “or” and take out “of”
stabbed into the fleshy skin of that pumpkin.” a pumpkin hull or skin is hard and unfogiving against a knife. Might you take out fleshy and replce it. How about the terms “hard and obstinate or unyielding?
I was used to carve the eye slot, the nose slit, and the mouth of that slut.. Can you make this more comprehensible? i was used is written wrong.
I think he is a pyromaniac who kills people and takes out their heart before they burn. But this is just a guess. In order to pull this off,you will have to explain many things, such as why, how, when and where. A story like this involves a specific killer and “why” is the most important element in the story. I believe a person should get the meat of a story down, first before the grammar picking starts. I don’t see much to pick on, really. I had no trouble reading it. The techies on here will do that. I am interested in plot and i so see one, though underdeveloped. Keep me posted. I would like to see what you do with this. Sandi
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