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Poetry / What are you?
Now I know how you must feel.
Empty, driven, hollow.
What do you think about when you’re on that exercise machine?
Running, for the sake of running?
Where does your mind drift too?
What keeps your legs pounding, step after step?
Is it out of pure anger or spite?
Do you feel nothing?
You deprive yourself of emotion, to get where?
Where other people want you to be?
Where you want to be?
How hard is it to see your reflection in the mirror every day?
To loathe the person you see.
Disgusting, pathetic, nothing.
You torture yourself over and over again.
The pain. The endurance. The suffering.
Mentally and physically, it never ends.
How long will this continue?
How much longer can you fake it?
Just keep running.
Sullen, cold, nothing.
Or does it burn? Does it ache?
Do you bubble up with rage, anger and heartache?
Is that what spurs you on?
Filthy, desperate, rage.
It pulses through your veins, unable to give up.
You're nothing; you’re just a hollow vessel.
You take action, you take control...
For all the wrong reasons.
When was the last time you made someone happy?
Think back.
Is that what drives you?
Or has all passion left you?
All hope forgotten.
Now you are driven out of spite.
Self.
One.
You think you are better than everyone else?
How are you better, when everyone else is happier than you?
No one thinks they are better than you, or anyone else.
They are happy.
What are you?
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Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! This is powerful, intense, angry. I can relate to it completely. The “you torture yourself” sequence was exceptional. The ending was brilliant. You have talent my dear!
I’m not a poet, but I do love good poetry. This piece rocks! Save to favorites?
Yes!
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oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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observingowl reviewed Version 1 -
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Ch0ronzon reviewed Version 1 -
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You are great emotional writer. Intense, powerful. You did a great job on using your words to convey some really profound thoughts and feelings.
“you’re nothing, you’re just a hollow vessel…” oooh, I like that one. Harsh, brutally honest, and you’re not just talking out of your ass, it seems that you can back it up. You know this person intimately, that is, if it isn’t yourself you’re talking about, and I get the sense that it might be.
I don’t know if you’ve received any criticisms for having a poem consisting of a lot of questions--I hope not--it works for me. Ending with the title of the poem was great too, well done.
I interpret this as either the speaker talking to him/herself or to someone with whom they are intimately acquainted. I gave you a 10 on Clarity because it’s very easy to “get” this work.
Really ejoyed this piece. Even added it to my favorites! I don’t see anywhere where it needs work. But that’s just me. Good job!
DLCW reviewed Version 1 -
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The thought behind the poem was good and overall its good.But it reads choppy in parts like this one…Now you are driven out of spite.
Self.
One.
Over all you are a talented writer keep writing and making a statemeny and getting better.
Emalie reviewed Version 1 -
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“Where does your mind drift too?” That is the only problem I can find with this: it should be ‘to’ not ‘too’.
Other than that small mistake, I really liked this, and I was able to picture every emotion and every word you wrote. I can relate to this poem a lot.
I must ask, who are you speaking of? Is it yourself, someone you know, or more than one person?
Well done, a good poem which speaks wonders.
Russell_Parkway reviewed Version 1 -
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This is one of the better poems that I’ve read recently.
It was very difficult to find anything wrong with it. Then I reread it and realized that the first sentence is written the wrong way.
“Now I know how you must feel.” Yet you ask a whole bunch of questions afterwards to the person running on the treadmill. May I suggest you write the first sentence in the form of a question so that it is less contradictory to the rest of the poem which is beautifully written.
How do you really feel?
Are you empty? Are you driven? Or are you hollow?
Idontknowguy reviewed Version 1 -
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Seems broodful. Seems as if someone who is fit has hurt your feelings about fitness, or its a metaphor, ( the treadmill statement ) for something else entirely, which I grasp in a way, but I still cant quite tell. I run on a treadmill to make my heart healthier. Perhaps thats why I cant quite tell. All in all I think a little revision and contemplation could make this a potentially great piece. No judgment, just opinion.
nbcboy20 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really love the opening to this poem. The speaker says, “Now I know how you must feel,” and then goes from there with question after question. I get the feeling that this is the speaker questioning himself or herself, especially in the line about the mirror. I envision the person speaking to them self through a mirror, just asking what it is that they want or what they are doing. That makes sense, because everyone tends to do that an awful lot. Overall I really like this poem. It expresses something that everyone can connect and relate with. It tends to give me the message that, each person is his or her own worst enemy. No matter what it is that someone tends to do in their lives, they always feel as though they are flawed or are missing out on something. There is also a certain feeling of distance here. Distance from one’s self. I’m not sure if that was the kind of thing you had in mind while writing it, but that’s what I took from it.
BobbyGary reviewed Version 1 -
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The way the poem moves from point to point, or just flows, really works for me. Maybe its because in a way I have wanted to ask someone all these questions once, I have gone through this whole thought process, and the fact that you turned it into poetry makes me smile. I appreciate the thought behind this and commend the poem very much.
-Bobby
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