Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into Hell and Beyond (working title) (Analysis)
She wore a dark, hooded cloak and snuck out to the backyard of her Victorian home. She followed the flagstones through the herb-garden, plucking the ones she needed as she passed them, to her Ivy-lined gazebo. The open center and height of the roof allowed her to build a bonfire, into which she threw the various herbs as she chanted.
When the power surged into her body, she commanded the doorway to open. The fire shot up, as if lapping the oxygen above, and just as suddenly lost its fury, settling into crackling coals. The dark portal opened above the red-hot pit. She stepped through; just as it looked like her bare foot would come down on the burning remnants, her leg disappeared into the dimensional tear.
Sarah knew at that moment, watching from behind a tree - when any other girl would have been terrified - that no-matter the cost, no matter how evil the things on the other side of that opening might be, she wanted to learn what this woman knew. She began finding ways to get closer to Ms. Plaire at age eight. She was working as her housekeeper and taking care of her pets by the time she was sixteen; making decent money for following her dark obsession and envy of the other woman’s knowledge.
She found a few obscure books in the library, but nothing that couldn’t be found at any bookstore in the New Age section. She owned most of these books and she knew that they contained no information close to conjuring the power she'd witnessed this woman accomplish. Sarah was sure that the lady would soon take her as an apprentice. She’d seen plenty of other things by this time, surely she deserved some explanation?
“My Lady, PLaire?”
“Sarah,” Tiffany Plaire giggled, “why are you being so formal? Have you read an old fashioned book again?”
“No, ma’am. I just…I just thought that it would be a good time for me to learn a few things from you.”
“Excuse me?” Tiffany tilted her head.
“Excuse me, I apologize for not being blind, but I have seen things, and I would care to learn them…that is, if you wouldn’t mind helping me.”
Tiffany pondered the idea, then lifted her head and her eyebrows, “Ah! I know…you should start off here,” she led Sarah to her library’s New Age books.
“I appreciate that, but I am already familiar with and adept at these books and techniques.”
“You have been through these? And how about the occult books just over there?” Tiffany pointed.
“I've already read those and more.”
“Wow. Okay, so you actually want to learn some real magic?”
“I do.”
“Okay, well, I guess we can test the levels of your natural ability tomorrow.”
“Natural ability?” Sarah asked, nervously.
“It’s okay,” Tiffany gave a reassuring smile, “what you can’t do naturally, you can t still learn to do. You just have to work harder.” Her face straightened, eyes warning, “Are you willing to work harder if you must?”
“Definitely! I’ve wanted this for as long as I can remember.”
“Then you very well may succeed, prepare for a long road.”
“I’ll be back here at sunrise tomorrow!” Sarah squealed. She saw the coy look on Ms. Plaire’s face.
“Some of it will be terrifying; some of it will be painful as hell.”
“I expected as much,” Sarah replied honestly, “I would like to know one thing – the answer will not change my desire, but I am curious…”
“Yes?” Tiffany coaxed.
“Is it good or evil? The magic I mean.”
“Interesting question. Good question,” she pointed out. “It is neither and it is both. It is neutral and it is in-between. It is Shadow and it is older than good or evil.”
&&&
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I think the concept is interesting, with the magic that is both good and evil, and neither.
I like the beginning with the woman opening a dimensional tear, but I kind of wanted more of this. You just jumped into the POV of Sarah without any warning. Maybe you should start it off with saying she’s watching the woman and show what happens through her eyes? Perhaps she could follow the woman and something interesting happens? That would be a brilliant start to this, because something exciting needs to grab the reader so they’d want to read more.
Good luck!
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One of the more interesting novel treatments I’ve read.
I’m guessing that this story is taken from Sarah’s point of view, right? In that case may I suggest you open with Sarah sneaking up on Tiffany Plair as she watches her from behind the tree.
Try not to switch POVs so quickly.
“Tiffany pondered the idea, then lifted her head and her eyebrows, “Ah! I know…”
I would’ve written: Sarah watched Tiffany raise an eyebrow, as though she pondered the idea.
Punctuation
““It’s okay,” Tiffany gave a reassuring smile, “what you can’t do”
“It’s okay,” Tiffany gave a reassuring smile. “What you can’t do…”
or
Tiffany smiled at Sarah. “It’s okay. What you can’t do…”
I like the concept of a book talking about a character learning to use magic, it is different from the whole “I know magic already.”
You need to work a little bit on the transition between you narrating Plaire opening the dimensional door and when you start talking about Sarah, it was a little clumsy. Also, you may want to add why Sarah is watching the woman in the first place, was it by accident? Was she supecting something and just spied on the lady?
It sounded too easy for Plaire to conceed teaching Sarah what she knew. Add a reason or something.
Besides those details, the concept seems like a good one, a little twist on the magic thing and I am so glad there won’t be wizards, dragons, unicorns, elves, dwarfs, ogres,...lol I was getting tired of those.
Hmm…very interesting idea. I’m curious to see where you go with this. One small mistake, which I’m sure doesn’t matter much.
you can t still learn to do / I’m sure you meant can instead of can’t
You’re opening paragraphs with Sarah as an 8 year old are very well written.
I look forward to reading where this goes.
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