Poetry / withered

Well first off my favorite line is:

Bare skin covered softly.

It contradicts itself giving an open wound or torn flesh image that you’re obviously going for.

I absolutely hate the first two lines. Here’s why.
The thing about the media is not what’s good or what gives the right message but what sells. The thing that sells is Love. That’s why diamonds are associated with love and that’s why every song on the radio is about love or pain from love. Now, to sell and to be good are two completely different things. You can be both but just because you are one doesn’t mean you are the other. Poets like to get this confused. That’s why often times you get cliche lines such as the first two that you have put here.

Another thing Love and Hate may stereotypically be easy or hard but that’s not true for everything or everyone. You need to specify and really the lines have nothing to do with the idea of pain that you present next. If in your mind it does, you need to connect it for the reader.

Also, you seem to be telling a story but not really. Like it’s all disconnected. It seems like you’re trying to go for a horror story of pain but I mean there is no clear story here and your message is not powerful whatsoever. So what I think you need to do is decide not what each line means but what you’re entire poem means as a whole. Decide weather you want to present a message with different images or one with a flowing story. Either is good but here you have little glimpses of images that don’t make connections or sense with each other.

Last thing, I think that this entire poem is sort of a cliche. Sure, people don’t like to suffer, they don’t like pain but I think that it’s kind of universally known that it’s inevitable. To say that it takes over just sounds teen angsty to me. It’s not appealing, it’s kind of retarded. It doesn’t make me think it makes me want to grow up. Or tell you to grow up. If you want to build up the idea of pain or torture, use a wide vocabulary with the suggestions I’ve already provided above to describe something thought and emotion provoking. Give me a reason to hate or to love. A reason to feel pain. A reason to fight or to give in. You know? Tell me weather the pain is good or bad. Because not in all cases does it have to be just bad. Never assume that it is. That’s the problem with this poem. You assume that love is hard. You assume that hate is easy. You assume that the reader understands your message you pulled straight from your own head. Assumption is suicide.

You have potential for great talent.

Keep writing.

Stephanie.

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August 03, 2009

by DLCW

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29	F	Amesbury, MA	August 25

thank you for your honesty and I will take it to another level thought it was kinda choppy thats why I put it on here hoping someone would have the guts to tare it apart. Thank you!

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