Impenetrable Forest [Chapter one]
Thick mist covered the moist grass as clouds cleared from the night sky, letting the bright moonlight shine over the world. Two young men walked toward a looming forest, miles away from the next village. Both men walked with long strides. They walked lethargically, as if they had nowhere to go.
“Hey, are you sure that going into the forest isn’t possible?”
“Yeah, but since we can’t get through we can at least go around it,” Zexlin, the slightly shorter one, answered, walking in front of his friend and turning around slightly, “might take awhile though.”
“…We’re trying to go through it,” Xirori remarked, the demand in his voice was clear, his walk coming to a halt in front of Zexlin, making him turn around again.
“What? Are you brain dead now or something? No one can get in that forest, you should know that better than anyone!” Zexlin yelled, a little louder then he should have. His voice echoed in the silence around them as they found themselves lost in the bewildering mist. “Was it not you that use to study this place furiously while locked in the study chamber? If I remember correctly you said we would walk past the forest, only past the forest, while we headed for Quincoon.” He added after calming down a bit.
“I want to see what’s so special about this forest and I have for a while. I’m going to do this; it’ll be interesting and imagine if we really got inside….” Xirori looked at Zexlin with a teasing plea, his soulless black eyes burning with an unyielding desire.
“… Yeah I guess… fine, we’ll try, and it’s not like it’s going to kill us…right?” Zexlin questioned the worry in his eye clear, making his brow coarse over the black leather eye patch covering his left eye, as he stopped.
“Let’s go. This’ll be interesting….” Xirori walked past Zexlin, ignoring his hesitation, and started to walk at a quickened pace. A wind began to rush though the valley, hitting him with bursts that made his shoulder length mixture of gold and silver hair, each tip dipped in red, hair whip around his face.
“Whatever...” Zexlin started walking at a quickened pace past Xirori; earnest in each step.
The young men started to run faster as they closed in on the outer edge of the forest. Without warning a strange light flashed from the heart of the forest, hitting the two men in the chest. They were thrown backward, landing ten feet from where they stood.
“What the Kail was that!” Zexlin spoke with a sharp tone as he looked at the forest, resentment burning deep in his neon purple eye. A grimace crossed his face as his jaw tensed. Xirori stood up and looked around them. His face was painted in curiosity; shadows making his face grow old under the moonlight. “And here I thought that it wouldn’t kill us, now I’m not so sure…” Zexlin stated doubtfully, looking back at Xirori for a moment before swiftly turning back to the forest.
“We’re not dead yet, and it wasn’t the forest. Whatever that light was, it came from within the heart of the forest. That is the light’s origin,” Xirori remarked, more to himself then Zexlin. He took a step toward the forest cautiously.
“That light, it seemed almost like… like the light from the three suns…” Zexlin babbled on dreamily, straining to see within the forest.
“The three suns, what are you talking about? We haven’t been under the light of the suns in years.” Xirori stated calmly, walking away from Zexlin toward the forest, the harshness of his steps hinting of bitterness. Zexlin grabbed Xirori’s shoulder and forcibly pulled him to a stop; rage contributing to his actions.
“What the kail was that about? You’re talking like you don’t even remember what sunlight feels like, the warmth on your skin, the colors mixing across the sky like a painted rainbow. It wasn’t so long ago that we were out in the sunlight of the three suns. Don’t you remember?” Zexlin kept his grip on Xirori strong, not giving him a chance to relinquish the hold.
Xirori turned and grabbed Zexlin’s arm, twisting it back to make him yelp in pain. He held it in a bone-crushing grip, squeezing tighter with each moment that past. Moving his hand teasingly from Zexlin’s arm to his neck; Xirori’s sharp nails tore at the first few layers of skin.
“Never…touch me again… you know I hate being touched…” Xirori cautioned as he shoved Zexlin away from him, walking away, his body tense. Xirori stopped and looked at the forest. His eyes glided up toward the white crescent moon high in the sky. For a moment his mind wondered to the red and purple moons and their appetence from the sky.
“Xirori let’s forget this, you wouldn’t have killed anyway,” he hoped. “By the way, why is it we never travel during the day again?” Zexlin asked dreamingly, walking up behind Xirori. He rubbed his arm as he moved. With each step that brought Zexlin closer, Xirori walked farther away.
“I’m not of the right disposition to deal with you. You know dainto well why we never go out into the light of the suns… it’s against nature for the nocturnal to walk out with humans... we’re Zuutirdas for the gods’ sakes! Even if we can walk out in sunlight, human lore states we are night dwellers and I plan on keeping their ideas sane. To allow humans find out that Zuutirdas, even if not all Zuutirdas, can walk out in the light of the suns as well as the moons the world would encase in dread. There is enough free in Zoar as it is. Humans are afraid of Jyrudos enough, we don’t need to add to it,” Xirori thundered loudly as he stalked away. He gritted his teeth slowly, his muscles rigid and his jaw clenched. Looking at the forest he shook his head, his chest tightening. Gradually he walked toward the forest with heavy feet.
‘It’s now or never,’ Xirori stated in his mind, ‘if we don’t do this now we’re never try again…’ he looked back at Zexlin, his eyes pleading, and he waited. After a moment Zexlin sighed in defeat, staggering over to where Xirori stood.
“Yeah, yeah I hear yah! You’re so loud in that big head of yours, I swear! Let’s go, if we hurry up and get this over with maybe we can get to an inn in Quincoon and chill for awhile…” Zexlin mocked. In his mind he knew better than this. It wasn’t likely that it would ever happen, but he wished it would anyway. The way the two of them had been walking around for the past years since they had both gone though the transition, all because they had agreed to travel until they could find a place to call home. They had found a home once, at least Xirori had, but that was a time they never spoke of and Zexlin had already made the poor choice of bringing it up earlier.
They both walked silently toward the forest again, Xirori kept his head tilted toward the sky as white light fell over the ground. His eyes dazed making it so that he noticed nothing but the shadows of light, but he had to keep going, and Zexlin knew he had to follow.
As they got closer to the forest Xirori stopped and looked at Zexlin. Feeling Xirori’s stare on his back, Zexlin stopped and looked back at Xirori from over his broad shoulder, his long pony-tail of thin blackened red hair whipping against his back.
“You feel it too, don’t you, the pull from within the forest?” Zexlin’s eye moved over Xirori then the forest and back, a flicker of worry shining in it. Xirori dazed eyes went sharp and cold, sending a shiver up Zexlin’s spine.
“Something is … alive in there and it’s calling us. That’s what the light was… We’re going to be able to get inside the forest and I want to see what’s calling us….” Xirori walked past Zexlin. His eyes never falling to Zexlin’s face, they were focused on the forest.
The harder Xirori looked the more he imagined he could see spears of pale lights pulsing from the heart of the forest. Xirori told himself it was just his imagination. He didn’t need Zexlin to get worked up over him seeing things again. It took him about five minutes to realize that Zexlin was talking to him, more like screaming by now.
“What the Kail! Xirori, Xirori, XIRORI!!! Will you answer me already you dumb Zhan!”
“This is it Zexlin. If you want to turn back you could always…”
“Yeah like the Kail I am, what do you think, I’m letting you talk all the glory for getting in there? You've got to be kidding me, my friend,” Zexlin spewed as he struck Xirori on the side of the head with his fist.
“No fooling you, I suppose. Oh, and if you ever hit me again I will butcher you.” After a short pause Xirori pushed Zexlin roughly in the side with three fingers.
“Yeah, sorry but I say we go and get this over with already, Kay?” Zexlin wheezed, trying to keep his balance.
“…Okay, let’s go this is it, no going back now. We find what's calling us, and start our new… adventure….” Xirori thought the word over as he walked toward the forest.
“Adventure? Heh, well isn’t that a new line… but you’re right, this is going to be a new adventure, a short one but a new one none the less. Let’s go Xirori, we need to hurry up don’t yah think. If you want to beat the sun rise that is.” With his gentleman’s act and posture, Zexlin walked up to Xirori, his hand out stretched toward the forest.
Xirori shook his head and looked at Zexlin like he had lost his mind. With a low laugh under his breath, Xirori walked past him and toward the forest, motioning for Zexlin to follow.
He did, a giant smirk painted coyly on his face. Keeping his posture, Zexlin walked up to Xirori. They both faced the forest and smirked slyly as they took slow steps forward.
Xirori and Zexlin cautiously walked near the forest’s outer ring of dark reddish leafed trees and brush. Xirori gradually reached out his hand toward an outermost tree. He flinched, pulling back slightly, as he felt his hand go though something cold and solid, like ice, until his hand fell upon the tree; its warm bark a drastic change. Slowly he walked toward the tree, leaving Zexlin in his wake. Walking through the cold force and past the trees, looking around; he motioned for Zexlin to follow him into the forest.
As Zexlin started to walk into the forceful threshold, he felt the chilling temperature and almost backed away, yet he kept going. He wasn’t going to look like a fool in front of Xirori. When he was through the threshold, and standing next to Xirori, they both stood silent for a moment before nodding, starting to walk though the reddish brush and into the deep greens and purples of the inner forests colors.
It took them about ten minutes to get thought the reddish brush that they had thought was merely inches thick. They found a path cut out between the green and purple trees. The trees all around them had green and purple leaves with red bark, the strange colors inviting and still warning. They followed the path silently, for they were awe-struck of the path’s existence as their eyes wandered about, retrieving the information they could from the area around them. They looked around at the trees and saw strange markings inscribed in an old language. As Xirori took a better look he remembered the symbol for danger; it was written everywhere. The markings seemed to be burned into the tree, making the black color stand out on the red bark.
After another half hour or more minutes of walking it seemed as if the path went on forever, with no end in sight. They were turning back, the same light returned from before, hitting the two and sending them flying. Both landed five feet back, hitting different trees and collapsing. They fell to the ground and steadily began to lose consciousness.
Xirori used the last of his strength to turn and look at Zexlin, making sure he was ok. Zexlin, painfully, turned his head to look back at Xirori. Both engulfed in pain, they slipped out of consciousness together.
* * * *
With Xirori and Zexlin passed out they were unaware of the area around them. It looked the same as when they awakened; only now the green and purple leaves left color patches on blue grass as the light from the three suns glowered down over them.
Two young girls came down the path toward them. One of them had a slender body frame with fare, ivory skin and black hair that reached just below her hips. The other girl seemed to be much more fragile in looks. Her skin so pale it looked almost transparent; her body frame long and slender, and snow-white hair so long it brushed against the floor of the forest. The two girls looked somewhat like children but they seemed walked with a burden that shouldn’t be known by little girls.
Both of the girls were running, the black haired girl laughing gleefully, around the path, a grand smile on the black haired girl’s face, and an indifferent look on the snow haired girl. They stopped when they saw Xirori and Zexlin lying on the ground. The girls’ faces changed from their meager happiness to the discord or fear. Both grabbed each other’s hands; hold in tightly to each other as if fearful of losing the other. Worry burned deep in the bottomless eyes of the girls; their brows pulling back in distress.
“Ar-art thou both alright? Hello…? Canst thou hear me?” One of them said; it was the girl with the black hair. The other one took a step forward. The black haired girl pulled at the snow haired girl’s arm, trying to stop her.
“Younger sister, please do not! We know not if they be bad ones or not!” With the words from her sister, the snow hair girl looked at her fiercely, passion burning in her squinting eyes, her nails piercing her palm.
“Elder sister, calm thy minds tempest. Even if they be bad ones, we cannot allow their death upon our soil. We must make sure they be’th well. If they be bad ones then allow me to go near them. Should they try to slay me, I shall react faster than thee,” the snow haired girl whispered coolly, sending an icy chill to the air.
“… Very well, younger sister… may they be good ones…” the black haired girl stated after a moment of deliberation, folding her hands as if to pray.
“I pray for cruel ones, mine self…,” the snow haired girl retorted in her whispery voice, holding up her hand for her sister to walk back. The emotionless sound in her voice was somehow powerful.
The black haired girl took a step back, looking at her sister with worry blazing deep in her eyes. The snow haired girl nodded to her sister reassuringly and took a small step forward. When Xirori and Zexlin made no attempt to move, she took another step, then another until she was standing mere inches in front of them. She kneeled by their heads and spoke softly, hoping not to frighten them.
“Art thou well, beings. Canst thou speak, or be ye corpse.” When Xirori and Zexlin, once again made no attempt to move, she slowly laid a hand on each of their heads, right above their eyes. She looked from Xirori and Zexlin and decided to save them from the hordes of Kail Jyrudos coming for their bodies. She threw her head back, opening her mouth, and sang. The notes were low at first before growing. Her voice was angelic and sweet, yet each note echoed with the sound of a hidden evil, a Jyrudon, awaiting freedom.
Her body shook; her trembling growing worse as she started to glow. Softly at first then brighter, shinning though their surroundings. It was a pale color, but still brighter than any color ever found, or known. The glowing light moved from her body, though her hands, and into the bodies of Xirori and Zexlin.
As the light took hold of them, and the snow haired girl’s shaking stopped, Xirori and Zexlin felt as if they were being burned and stabbed at the same time. Their skin prickling as if little flame daggers were piercing them all over their bodies. The pain flowed though their veins taking hold of their bodies from within and bringing it from the fathoms of death. The pain flowed though them, tearing at the bowls of their thoughts, scaring their minds, and bodies. Dark, cold shadows overcame them as they fought toward the light in their minds, almost wishing for death, yet grabbing a hold of the dim light and what it offered. With all their might they wished to live. They felt their whole beings slam into their bodies – as if they had souls that had risen to some sort of heaven-, icy and cold. Xirori was the first to awaken. As his eyes flashed open, he groaned loudly, the sound echoing in the silence around them.
When Zexlin came through, he started choking, blood dripping slowly from his lips.
The snow haired girl took her hands off their heads swiftly and looked down at them with warm, dazed eyes.
“Art thou well now. Canst thou speak or be ye mute from near demise.” she whispered softly, no question poised though the words, the worry in her voice shaky barely there in her emotionless appearance.
Xirori groaned though grit teeth, unable to stop himself.
The snow haired girl looked down, into his eyes and smiled a dazzling smile.
“Doth not fret. We shall not hurt thee. May we offer thou safe haven.” she questioned with little emotion, her voice lowering even more so back to a whisper.
Xirori looked into her eyes and, after a moment, nodded but with great pain, so much so that he shuddered.
“Do not move. I am amazed thou canst move at t’all.” She turned to the black haired girl slowly. “Elder sister, assistance is needed. I hath consumed to much of mine power, thus a portal is impossible alone.”
“…Very well sister…” the black haired girl stated, her eyes never leaving Xirori and Zexlin.
“Thank thee, sister.” Again, the white haired girl turned to Xirori and Zexlin. A beguiling smile, once more, painted on her lips. “Mine elder sister and I shall summon a portal so that we shall not impose the pain of a thousand punctures upon thy skin. We art all going back to the sanctuary. There thou canst rest and heal.”
As the two girls started to say something in a strange language, Xirori and Zexlin lost consciousness again. One last look at the girls showed that the white haired girl shone with the bright light again.
* * * *
When they awoke Xirori and Zexlin were sprawled on the ground and the two girls were nowhere to be found. The darkness of the forest startled them. Slowly their eyes started to adjust to the darkness, the color of the trees’ and grass becoming clearer. The two of them laid there, quiet and still, for a moment. Zexlin was the first to awake fully, and to speak, breaking the shallow silence around them.
“… Xirori do you think that could have been a dream… I mean you were there too right?”
“Seemed real to me…” Xirori stated, his voice breaking with his exhaustion. In his mind a picture of the snow haired girl’s eyes and beautiful smile, though it was a fabrication, was vivid.
“They kind of looked familiar to me… what ‘bout you, Xirori?”
“…Yes, they did look a little familiar to me as well, I guess. The snow haired one… that light she glowed in… it’s the same as the one we saw before…” Xirori stated, his eyes growing clouded and dazed.
“Uh… yeah. Let’s just keep going, maybe we’ll figure out what the Kail is going on if we get to the end of this darn path,” Zexlin proclaimed as he turned his head to look at Xirori with curiosity. He was surprised to see Xirori in such a dazed state, but wasn’t going to bring it up. Dazed or not, Xirori wasn’t one to talk or waste time.
Xirori tried to get up but ended up falling, a moaning pain shooting though his bones, making him gasp to hold back the yelp that almost escaped him. After a few more tries, he finally stood up and went over to Zexlin’s side to help him up.
“Let's go. Hopefully that light doesn’t plan on paying us another visit, at least not for a while anyway.” Xirori looked away from Zexlin and toward the place where the girls in the dream had been running from.
“Yeah let’s get the Kail out of here.” Zexlin started walking forward unable to shake the fear clawing at the back of his mind.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
This 63 word review has not been unlocked.
This first chapter needs several edits. You used the word fare where fair should have been. And you used past when passed should have been used, though past was correct once or twice.
Overall the story has potential, but it needs more. Even with the explanation at the beginning of the new words, it’ll take some getting used too. And it needs to be longer for a proper hook. I liked the story, but the typos and grammatical kept distracting me. As it stands at the moment, I don’t think an agent would consider this. But with a little work it could be something great. Keep on working at it!
page 2- “gold and silver hair, each tip dipped in red, hair whip around his face.” you said hair twice
page 3- “Xirori let’s forget this, you wouldn’t have killed anyway,” he hoped. you wouldn’t have killed who?
page 6- “the Kail I am, what do you think, I’m letting you talk all the glory for getting in there?” I think you meant ‘take’ all the glory, not ‘talk’
“…Okay, let’s go this is it, no going back now.” I believe that should be at least two sentences if not three, but not one.
I may have failed to notice any other errors, but as for storyline and plot I thought it was very good. I look forward to reading more.
Page 2: Rethink sentence for smoothness, “Xirori walked past Zexlin…”.
Page 2: Hair description: delete the word “hair” before whip!
Work on punctuation!
I would like to see a more in depth description of the characters, unless
more is to come in the next chapter!
Excellent idea and development!
Keep up the great work and good luck!
This has great potential I think. You give enough description to show what is going on, but not too much to distract. The characters all seem real.
Definitely interested in reading more.
The only real critique is that the names are a little choppy to me.
This is a great start. You’ve created an intriguing world and the story leaves questions that the reader will want answered. The chapter has a good cliff hanger ending.
There are a few areas where I think you could improve on and turn this from a promising story to an excellent one. See below.
“It was dark and the mist was thick.” Instead of telling us this show it. Describe the night. Is the mist enveloping the young men etc.
“men were walking” men walked
“One of the men had” Don’t stop the forward progress of the story to give us static descriptions of the characters. Mix the details in with action. You got to keep the story moving along until the reader is hooked.
“Silence stood deep” doesn’t make sense.
“they were in” no need to mention, it’s obvious.
“Hey, Zexlin” since they are the only two people out there it isn’t likely he’d call the other man by name. People don’t use each other’s names often.
“turning around slightly,” either he turned around or he didn’t. Maybe he just looked back at his friend.
“they were finding themselves” they found themselves
“Quincoon.” He added” Quincoon,” he added.
“his shoulder length hair whip” this is a good example of the perfect way to slip in details of their physical description without stopping the story.
“was that?!” double punctuation marks look amateurish.
“enlightened with coruiousity.” Not sure how a face an be ‘enlightened.’ Curiosity.
The dialogue needs work. Try reading it aloud. It doesn’t sound like real people talking. Also Zexlin and Xirori’s dialogue sound like the same person. Try to differentiate them a little. The for the two girls who find them in the forest. You do a great job differentiating the girl’s speech from Zexlin and Xirori’s, but the sisters sound like the same person.
“the harshness of his steps hinting of bitterness.” This is an example of overwriting. Try to avoid. Just describe his steps. Instead of walking away did Xirori stomp away? tromp? Were his shoulders tensed? Etc.
“a furry of rainbow.” Doesn’t’ make sense.
“Swiftly Xirori moved behind Zexlin, his hand slowly moving from Zexlin’s arm to his neck. Gradually, almost teasingly” Try to limit the use of adverbs. They are usually unnecessary and/or can be replaced by strong verbs.
“with steps that lessened in sound eventually.” Delete. Footsteps always lesson in sound as people walk away. No need to say it.
“me anyway,” anyway.”
“they were focused” they focused
The names are very creative, but I’m not sure what the point is to giving different names to vampires and demons. I think time would be better spent demonstrating how your vampires and demons are different than others.
“once thin looking,” not sure what you mean by this. The brush suddenly became thick? Do you mean the brush got thicker as they got further into the forest.
“eyes wandered aimlessly.” Would they eyes really wander aimlessly? Wouldn’t they be taking in the entire terrain? They’ve never been there before.
“They looked around … making the black burns stand out on the red bark.” Lots of extra words and awkward sentences here. Suggestion, The trees bore strange makings in an old language, a few characters a warning of danger. The black burned messages stood out on the red bark.
“After ten more minutes” They’re in a forest. Why would they expect to see an end to it after 15 minutes.
“They were turning back,” turning back to where? Where they came from?
“With Xirori and Zexlin passed out they were unaware of the area around them.” This is a given. Doesn’t need to be said. The problem with stating the obvious is that the readers feel like you’re talking down to them. You’re better off under explaining than over explaining.
“seemed walked” delete seemed.
“were running and laughing” seems contradictory. Laughing and running sounds like carefree behavior, not the behavior of those with a burdenm.
“to the dicord or fear.” To fear.
“in tightly” on
“made no remorse to move,” doesn’t make sense. Remorse is sorrow.
“or be ye corpse?” why would they ask if they’re corpses if they can see their chests rise and fall?
“dissuaded to save” did you mean decided? Dissuade means to deter.
“at their souls,” what makes them vampires? So far they can walk in sunlight, they breathe and they have souls, things vampires often can do and don’t have. You also refer to them as being alive. All these things are fine. Your vampire or zuutirdases can be any way you want them, but I think you need to let the reader know what makes them vampires. So far they sound like humans who prefer the night.
“the dime light” what’s a dine light.
“barely there in her emotionless appearance” doesn’t make sense.
“though grounded teeth,” through grit teeth
“fell out of” lost
“remarked, his” something’s missing here.
Great place to end the first chapter.
“The other man had lighter, shadowy, features” this part confuses me. How can his features be lighter and shadowy at the same time? You mean his skin is lighter?
Another thing, you shouldn’t explain what the characters look like in the first paragraph. You could disperse it in later, for example, you could say:
“Hey, Zexlin are you sure that going into the forest isn’t possible?” said Xirori, shoving a strand of his golden and silver hair out of his face. The red-tipped locks shone in the light of the moon.
Or something like that. You did it well in some places.
I love your idea of replacing normal words with words you invented. This way, younger readers don’t have to see cuss words, and I’m sooooo sick of the word vampire.
“rage contributing to his actions” descriptions like these are good, but try not to overdo them.
“They were turning back, the same light returned, throwing them back. Both of them landed five feet back” the word ‘back’ is repeated often here. For the first sentence, try ‘As they were turning around, the same light returned, striking their chests again.’
“made no remorse to move” i don’t think remorse fits here
You have a lot of talent. Your story and characters are very creative. Keep writing!
I’m not clear on what they actually are. I liked how you created your own cuss words. But you kind of neglected to explain what separated the humans from the two new races you introduced. I’m not clear on the plot yet…but so far it’s original. I like the two sister…and unlike most fantasy stories I was able follow along…not getting completely lost in the strange dialog.
Showing 1 - 8 of 8
Ratings & Rankings| Version 2 |
| Version 1 |
Review item
Add to faves
