Thank you so much for your review. I appreciate you explaining to me the issues that have now risen with my second version. Maybe my third version will be better.
-Bobby
Young Adult / Untitled - Chapter One
A wind blew in from the east window, and dragged itself across the room finding its path through the piles of boxes: green boxes, red boxes, and blue boxes. Green meant that the box's contents were garbage; Red meant the contents were to be kept at the house; Blue meant the contents were being moved to Seattle. The wind eventually swept by Elias' feet and his toes twitched.
He was sitting on the ground with his back against the wall. His dog was lying no more than a foot to his right, its head on its paws, sleeping. Between them was a half empty bottle of Green Spot whiskey.
Green Spot was quite rare, only five-hundred bottles made a year, and he had acquired a single bottle a year for the past four years. The other three bottles were packed away in the third box on the pile three piles from the west wall of the kitchen; He had the box specially marked: “GS(x3)” Next to the bottle, knocked over and rolling toward his leg with the force of the wind was a small glass. He was using it to drink from; it was the same glass he had used when sharing his first bottle of Green Spot with Andrew, his brother-in-law.
Elias had known Andrew for fourteen years and from the beginning they made the promise to have Elias' first drink together. So when the time came Elias drove over to Andrew's place and sat down with him. Andrew pulled out Green Spot Whiskey and poured Elias a small shot glass, and maneuvered the glass to him. Elias slowly brought it to his soft lips and quickly drank it. He cringed as it burned all the way down his throat. Andrew laughed and patted Elias on the back while pouring a second glass. Elias remembers that night in its entirety, it was the night he concluded he no longer had to worry.
The glass finally hit his leg and he realized he had left the window open. He looked over at the window and decided it didn't matter enough to get up, that he wasn't going to worry about the cold air. He tapped the glass with his nails and then brushed his hand through his short brown hair. With a piece of paper in his hand he held it out, waiting for another rush of wind. It took three minutes, and eventually wind came through the window and flowed through the maze of boxes. He let go of the paper. The eight by eleven inch paper floated through the room and out the door, it hit the turn in the hallway and follows the wind as it strode down the stairs and eventually rested on the wood floors of the kitchen, next to the pile that contained the box with Green Spot bottles. It lie on the floor, writing up, and what could be read was a simple contract. A simple contract that allowed worry to creep back into Elias' life.
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S_Schofield reviewed Version 2 -
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erinbell reviewed Version 2 -
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JHarvey reviewed Version 2 -
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This is getting better and I can see the improvement in this new version.
The other three bottles were packed away in the third box on the pile three piles from the west wall of the kitchen; He…
I think this sentence has a bit too much detail (three bottles, third box, three piles, etc.) in it. It was a bit difficult for me to process and I had to go back and reread it to make sure I understood it.
Also, you don’t need to capitalize after the semi-colons. (It can just be “the kitchen; he…” since it’s technically still part of the same sentence.)
The backstory flows much better now. It shows Elias’ first drink with Andrew, gives us some insight into their relationship, and perhaps tells us why Elias seems to be a big drinker now.
and follows the wind
and followed the wind
With a piece of paper in his hand he held it out, waiting for another rush of wind.
This sentence read a little weird to me—is the “it” referring to his hand or the paper…or both? Maybe make it a bit clearer by tweaking it to something like “He clutched a piece of paper in his hand and held it out to the wind…”
Overall, really nice work. I can see the effort you put into this and how much it’s improved since the last version. Keep it up!
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 2 -
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the pile three pile-I would add a comma
Okay much better this time around…I was able to understand what was happening and what type of story this is. When you mentioned he was worry from during the night with Andrew…was it because he started drinking or something not yet revealed? I like the mystery to this now..makes me want to read more and see what the contract is about.
soft_summers reviewed Version 2 -
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This is a great start. You have an interesting situation, and the last line made me want to find out what is going to happen next. I would say that your attention to detail, while a great quality, causes the reader to lose interest when overdone. Just some suggestions that might help…
“[green, red, and blue boxes. Green for garbage, red for the house, and the blue boxes for items being moved to Seattle.”]
Maybe while you describe his dog, have him pet it or do something with it somehow to show how he feels about the animal.
“and [Elias] had acquired a single…”
Where the bottles were packed is very hard to imagine easily. Did you use 3 so many times for a specific reason? Is is very important that the reader know where they are?
“his soft lips” This seemed strange to me. I would imagine this as a description of a girl, not that guys can’t have soft lips though.
“and eventually [the] wind came…”
Maybe you could have Elias look at the piece of paper after you talk of his not worrying anymore. Have the paper crumpled in his hand, and have him flatten it out as he examines it. He can be in a daze somewhat, and after the glass hits his legs, he lets the paper float away in the wind.
I’m not sure we need to know what size the paper is unless you want to describe it more in detail in another spot, but where you add its description, it only distracts from the scene. Also if it is a contract, would legal size paper be better?
“strode” maybe you could say glided? It needs something that would decribe it floating…
Overall, I love the beginning of this and you must let me know when you have a revision or another chapter up. Great creativity!
Jocelynn4909 reviewed Version 2 -
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Honestly, I liked it.
Very much.
I hope you continue so I can read on (:
sunsette15 reviewed Version 2 -
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It was well written but it lost me in some parts, for example: the part that your describing about the bottles of spotted whiskey in the cupboards.
I would love to see where you would be able to take this. Great effort
Lillie_M reviewed Version 2 -
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follows the – followed the
strode down the stairs – can a piece of paper walk as you are implying?
It lie – It laid
writing up – writing side up
other three bottles were packed away in the third box on the pile three piles from the west wall of the kitchen – this was hard to read. Maybe split into two sentences. Also a bit repetitive with the three, third and three.
Firstly I found some bits that could do with altering, which I have detailed above.
Honestly I was bit confused. If ths was a young adult book, how old was Elias when he had his first drink? In England it’s legally 18, in the USA it’s 21. Would you start a young adult book with – I’m guessing _ the lead character drinking straight Whiskey? That would be the habit of a regular heavy drinker from my experience. From your story I would guess he was at least 22, to have four bottles packed away – one for each year.
I also didn’t really connect with the character. All I could gather was that he was moving, he liked drinking, he had a dog and a brother-in-law caled Andrew. Maybe you could get a bit deeper into his feelings. Why was he packing? Why did he feel he no longer had to worry when he had his first drink?
If your aim was for this piece to be more emotion led then you need to give Elias more emotion. How does he feel about packing? How does he feel about his dog? How does he feel about Andrew or the sister Andrew is married to?
Sorry ths is a long review but I hope it has helped. You definitely have a good base to work with, which makes it easier. Maybe just concentrate on the character for a while, rather than his surroundings.
Good luck.
JHarvey reviewed Version 1 -
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I feel like this is starting with a bit too much backstory. Only include backstory that is absolutely relevant to the scene at hand or future scenes. I feel like the paragraph that starts with not having seen Andrew for seventeen months isn’t really necessary information. It also gets a bit confusing to follow because there are multiple characters mentioned and the reader has no idea, at this point, what their importance is to the story. I would try to withhold as much backstory as possible. I think you’ll find that most of it the reader doesn’t even need to know…and that withholding the information as long as possible will keep the reader turning the pages.
cgendebien reviewed Version 1 -
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I found it a little boring until the contract thing came up. Not sure quite if this should be under the young adult genre, then again I didn’t really get a feel for the story. I’d have to read more probably. I’m 16 and I couldn’t really make a connection with it yet. Although I do have to say I did enjoy your writing quality, that was very good.
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