Thanks, your review is very helpful. I’m glad you like the story.
I agree with you about the rating criteria. I never look at them anyway, so I have no reason to use them :)
Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Lost Truth-Revised Prologue
In the boughs of a young oak tree, a hooded figure hid in the shadows. The luminous moon only penetrated through a few gaps in the Unifern forest’s canopy, therefore he was barely seen in his black cowl and pants.
Toliath crept forward, the branches creaking under his weight, and pushed aside the twigs and leaves blocking his view. The glade ahead was no longer empty. Four horses and a unicorn had ridden into the ample moonlight, their riders glancing around at the dark forest around them.
Toliath smirked. His plan had worked.
He signaled to the men on the ground beneath him. His followers nodded, letting him know they were ready. They were five of his most loyal, those that had been with him from the beginning. They had forgotten and abandoned the loved ones he’d threatened to harm if they didn’t do his bidding. Now they obeyed Toliath willingly.
He stepped off the bough and into open air, a rush of wind fluttering his cowl as he plummeted. He said the words for a telekinesis spell in his head and slowed before touching down, his boots barely rustling the grass.
Beside him, silver ichor stained the ground, leaking from a gash on a recently-dead unicorn’s neck. Toliath scowled at it. Unifern forests were full of these creatures. If it hadn’t been necessary for his message to sound believable, he would’ve never agreed to do it here. It had brought him some measure of comfort though, slitting the throat of any unicorn that had stood in his way. Besides, the more he slay, the less there’d be to interfere.
Toliath peered around the tree trunk, into the glade again. Perhaps he would kill her unicorn, if he had time. Empress Aurilyn had already dismounted it, while her guards surrounded her, having climbed off their lesser steeds. Their hands rested on the hilts of their swords, but Toliath knew they wouldn’t get the chance to use them.
The time had come.
Toliath knew his followers were watching him. Without taking his eyes off his target, he slid his index finger across his throat.
On cue, two magical orbs of light shot into the clearing, striking down two of the guards, smoke rising from their scorched chests. Bowstrings twanged soon after, arrows striking the last two guards under their helms, just as they’d unsheathed their swords. The four horses went into a frenzy, rearing onto their hind legs and neighing wildly before fleeing in different directions. All four men in the glade had collapsed by the time Toliath stepped in to do his part.
Empress Aurilyn whirled around when he appeared, her silver robes swishing with her movement. The moonlight paled her caramel complexion and made her silky black hair shine. She narrowed her almond-shaped eyes.
“Toliath,” she spoke, rage emphasized in every syllable.
“Greetings, Empress Aurilyn,” he said, stopping a few yards from her.
“I should’ve known. You sent me that message.”
“Yes, I can forge King Xonerulees’ signature fairly well, don’t you think? By intercepting his real message, I was able to make mine sound just like it had come from him.” A shaft of light displayed the smirk underneath his hood.
Aurilyn clenched her fists by her sides. “So you’ve finally gotten me alone.”
“I guess I have.” Toliath glanced at the dead men behind her. “Your guards proved no match for my followers.”
“You ambushed us!”
“I couldn’t let them get in my way. I’m here to take your place as ruler of northern Jasahi.”
“I’ll never let you become emperor of my people. You’ll have to kill me first.”
“That can be arranged. In fact, I’m sure if I’d been careful enough, I could’ve snuck up and finished you, but I have other plans. Being the noble man that I am–” at this, Aurilyn snorted, “–we will settle the matter in a fair sorcery duel. No tricks. My followers will not interfere. I want your people to know their empress was killed respectably.”
“How nice of you,” Aurilyn spat.
Toliath shrugged. “It’s the least I can do. Believe it or not, I am appreciative of you. If it wasn’t for you, the mightiest sorceress in Jasahi, I’d have no competition, and taking over the region would be too easy. Life isn’t fun if it’s not difficult.”
Aurilyn looked sideways at the nearby trees. Beside her, her unicorn pawed the ground. Toliath admired its gallantry for staying by its owner, and he even had to admit it was beautiful, with fur so white it almost radiated with light.
He grinned. “I know what you’re thinking. The other unicorns will not protect you. I have slain the ones in the area.”
Aurilyn’s countenance hardened further as she glared at him. “You monster! They did nothing to deserve this!”
Toliath enjoyed the look on her face. “They got in my way. Now, shall we begin the duel?”
Aurilyn took a deep breath. “I’m ready.”
Toliath flung off his cowl, letting it fall gently to the ground, revealing his black shirt over gray breeches. His sandy-colored hair hung loosely around his shoulders.
Aurilyn slipped off her cloak as well. A breeze blew by, fluttering the two thin braids on each side of her head, while the rest of her hair remained immobile in its single long plait. With a glance at her unicorn, it retreated backwards, neighing softly. Toliath guessed she had communicated with it telepathically.
Aggravated by her affection of the worthless animal, he raised his hands in front of him, forming a sphere of black magic that was large enough to consume Aurilyn’s body. He fired it towards her, but she merely swiped her hand at it, deflecting the sphere so that it went soaring to blend in with the night sky.
The empress flung her hand in a swift motion in front of her. A silver blade of magic pierced the air and shot towards Toliath.
He created an invisible magic shield before him, but Aurilyn fed more energy into her attack at the last second, before he could prepare a stronger safeguard. When the magical sliver hit his shield, he stumbled back a few feet, but quickly regained his balance.
He countered by hurtling a series of magical black disks towards Aurilyn. She shielded the disks with her magic, but Toliath could feel her barrier weakening steadily, so he continued the assault. When she let loose a powerful beam of magic though, he was forced to stop the attack and sidestep to avoid obliteration.
Toliath lost track of time as the sorcery duel went on for what seemed like hours, though was probably no more than ten minutes. Energy drained from him as he fought and it became harder for his mind to focus on each spell, but he refused to give up. He was determined to take over the northern Jasahi empire.
He and Aurilyn traded tremendous magical blows, one after the other, so that the clashing of the powers must’ve been seen from five miles away. Every blast called forth strong wind gales and tore blades of grass from the ground. Fireflies scattered and owls hooted their protests at the change in the environment.
Toliath had thought he’d taken care of most of the unicorns in the area, yet he spotted a gray-colored one charging into the clearing where the duel was taking place, its neighing low and deadly.
Toliath growled at its interference, but that quickly changed to gratitude. Aurilyn turned towards the unicorn, fearing for its life. She only allowed herself to be distracted for less than a second, but it was all the time Toliath needed to act. He used a paralysis spell, his dark energy surging through her and canceling out her use of more sorcery. She was unable to move from her spot as Toliath then cast a torture hex. The empress cried out in pain and fell to her knees.
Chuckling to himself, Toliath ambled closer to Aurilyn, staring down at her. “Looks like I win. I’m now the new ruler of northern Jasahi.”
Aurilyn panted, leering at him. “Curse you, Toliath. You won’t get away with this.”
“Well, it’ll have to be someone else who must attempt to stop me, because I will show you no mercy. Time to die.”
Toliath raised his hand with his palm facing Aurilyn’s chest. She fought to stand or use a spell, but every part of her body rebelled against her.
Exhilaration coursed through Toliath as he shouted, “Zyxourdyslanate!”, the word for the killing incantation. Impenetrable blackness engulfed Aurilyn, and once it had faded, her body was gone. This being Toliath’s first time using the incantation, he hadn’t expected her to disintegrate, but apparently that’s how powerful he had become.
Toliath sagged, every bit of his energy drained. Still, he laughed loudly, his voice echoing off the trees and rising above the lament of the two unicorns.
He was now emperor of northern Jasahi.
* * * *
Toliath sat in his throne on the platform under the ebony canvas, which shaded him from the rays of the afternoon sun. He impatiently straightened the dark robes he wore as his Evildoers prepared the nooses on the gallows.
Back in the days before he’d become emperor, everyone had called his followers Evildoers, because the name itself spoke for what deeds they did. Toliath had detested the name then, but he’d gotten used to it. His army was known as Evildoers to everyone, and so he called them such.
Toliath sat up with interest when two of his Evildoers, wearing black leather breastplates with ‘E’ insignias, forced the captives up the steps to the gallows. The captives were a man and a woman, a married couple who had recently attempted to escape from his empire. Their faces were glum and they stumbled with every step they took.
Toliath chuckled to himself. Had they really thought they could keep their newborn son from him? He needed all the recruits he could get. Their son would grow up to be a brilliant Evildoer, just like all the other newborns he’d confiscated recently. Toliath smiled at the thought of how rapidly his army would grow, till he could finally use it to control all of Jasahi.
Toliath tapped his fingers on the arm of his throne while he waited for the nooses to be tightened around the necks of the couple. Finally, the Evildoers stepped back.
The male captive didn’t look as frightened as his wife. While she trembled and kept flickering her eyes to where her son was held in an Evildoer’s arms, the husband spoke out for all to hear.
“Hail Empress Aurilyn!”
Toliath frowned, but he was also impressed. Even after over a year, Aurilyn’s subjects had not forgotten her. His killings and beatings discouraged most of them from displaying outward support for her.
“Kill them now!” Toliath barked at the executioner, who had put his hand on the wooden lever that would end the prisoners’ lives. Toliath couldn’t wait to extinguish the life of that audacious man.
The lever was pulled, and the panels underneath the captives’ feet gave way. Toliath smirked at the choking sounds that came from the man and his wife as they dangled from the noose.
When the couple stopped moving, having passed on from this world, an Evildoer approached Toliath, bowing on one knee. He held out a blanketed bundle.
“Emperor Toliath, what shall I do with their son?”
Toliath stared hard at the newborn, rising slowly from his throne, and descended from the platform. “Give him to me.”
The Evildoer handed the infant over, knowing not to question his leader. Toliath took the baby, cradling it gently as he examined its mind.
“Incredible,” he mumbled, still not able to believe what this tiny infant was capable of.
He should kill it. He should make sure its ability was extinguished forever. But he had other plans for the child.
He walked over to one of his top Evildoers and said, “I believe you’ve always wanted a son, Sergio?”
The Evildoer, blinking in amazement, replied, “Um, yes, Emperor Toliath.”
“Then take good care of him,” Toliath instructed, handing the baby over. “Raise him to be the best Evildoer I’ve ever had.”
“Any particular reason why?” It wasn’t in Toliath’s nature to single out any of his trainees.
“He’s special.” That was all the information he was willing to reveal. No one could know what he knew.
Sergio looked into the infant’s tiny red face. “Does he have a name?”
“Royan. His name is Royan. I will watch closely how well you train him. Do not disappoint me.”
“I-I won’t, Emperor Toliath.” Sergio smiled down at his new son.
Satisfied, Toliath spun away and strode towards the palace, after signaling a couple rookie Evildoers to carry his throne inside. He glanced once more at the baby before going through the doors of the palace.
Royan. He would never forget that name.
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Ajax_Skreitzche reviewed Version 1 -
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Hiya
I read your directive and well, there’s still lots to do, or that can be done I should say. So, as per, I’ll give it a shot. Please take no offense.
First line…”In the boughs of a young oak tree,”... How young?...cuz you’re already setting yourself up, it’s an oxymoron, or just plain impossible.
Young oak trees don’t have ‘boughs’, they’re too young to grow sideways, they grow upwards for a good many years and by the time they’re as big-a-round as your waste, one of the little branches – it sprouted way back when – might just be close enough to becoming a bough.
it’s a really simple thing and easily fixed.
how about… ‘in the shadows of a young oak tree, hid a hooded figure.’ ? ...or, ‘A/The hooded figure hid in the shadow of a young oak.’ ...? cuz really, we know it’s a tree and not something else like ‘poison-oak’, per se.
“The luminous moon,”…?
(ok, let’s look at what kind of moons there are. full, half, black, dark, sliver, etc… all of these would immediately tell the reader how much of the Moon is reflecting light back to Earth, no? To say luminous, well, the moon is always reflecting, but it isn’t really luminous.
Regardless, presuming the forest is always as represented here, dense thick canopy type, and the Moon is as luminous as it can be… Why is he hiding at all? I mean, if it only ever pokes thru in a few places, “penetrated through a few gaps in the Unifern forest’s canopy,” he could pretty much walk around, hop-scotching, the places it does show thru, avoiding them completely…”therefore he was barely seen in his black cowl and pants,”...is now pointless except to tell us what he’s wearing. Why not do that in the first line? Save time and make it hold the reader’s attention?
....
The August/august *(two options from one word about how to better describe the moon, rather than luminous [i.e. luminous intensity being how much light something emits], which is inaccurate, in this instance, and misleading) moon was a sliver, its light barely penetrating the canopy of the Unifern Forest.
So it was that the hooded figure of Toliath was nearly invisible. He sat, hidden in the shadows of an ancient oak, creeping, slowly forward, up its bough.
Eyes scanning from under the black cowl, the branch creaking under his weight, he pushed aside a leafless twig.
The glade ahead was no longer empty.
Four horses and a unicorn.
Their riders waited, peering into the surrounding darkness. Toliath smirked. His plan had worked.
He signaled to the men on the ground, his followers – five of his most loyal, those that had been with him from the beginning.
In times past, Toliath had given them a choice.
“Serve or perish!”
For those few who preferred death, to the life of a slave, he had only to point out that the well being of their loved ones, those left behind, would be soon enough be forfeit.
But, that was then…and all but forgotten, now.
Now they obeyed Toliath willingly.
‘Ready,’ they nodded up to him.
—-continue
......
the story has possibility and its where your strength is, most so than the way you write or the dialogue even. there are many ways to tighten this up, make it play, to begin with, get the pronouns down to a minimum, the first names down to a minimum, have their actions coincide with the dialogue, get rid of the ”...and said,” we assume its the person talking by nature of the fact theyre action is being shown in the same line, continuation from idea to action and vis versa. otherwise is just narrative tripe.
other problems exist in what youre trying to say with misquoted words, and or ideas, many of the ideas in fact. cross check yourself. cuz a woman doesnt flicker her eyes, she flutters them. eyes flicker like flames flicker. it isnt intended as an active/conscious choice. its an incidental and would be best to have her eyes do it of their own volition, subconsciously, as is your intent to write, so it should be, “her eyes kept flickering to where,”...
step up the whole thing by making a deliniation between his thoughts and the narration as seperate and distinct. i see this problem a lot when it goes into the characters mind and no one can tell whos thought its supposed to be for sure.
maybe hint at things more instead of boldly stating… he smirked, he couldnt believe it, by, and, after… piece the action into the sentence without the tells and adjectives and little prep phrases.
......
When the couple stopped moving, having passed from this world…
An Evildoer approached, bowing on one knee.
Aloft he held a tiny blanketed bundle.
“Emperor Toliath…? What shall I do with their son?”
Toliath rose from his throne, walking slowly, deliberately, down the stairs.
Face to face, he stared long and hard at the newborn.
“Give him to me,” Toliath commanded.
Curious, but knowing better than to question his leader, the Evildoer handed the infant over without a peep.
Toliath took the baby, cradling him gently, still unable to believe what had witnessed while examining the helpless waif’s mind.
“Incredible,” he mumbled, “The power of which this tiny infant is capable…? Just astounding!...and thought to kill it, “Extinguish the ability forever!” But…no. “That would foolish.” He had other plans for the child.
Turning back, he said casually, “I believe you’ve always wanted a son, Sergio?”
The Evildoer, blinking in amazement, “Um, yes, Emperor Toliath?”
Toliath handed the baby back to his trusted underling.
“Take good care of him, Sergio.
“Raise him to be the best Evildoer I’ve ever had!”
dats all for now
hope the critique helps and doesnt hinder.
peace out
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dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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This is pretty good. I like the alternate world. Evildoers is a good word I suppose. It’s common amongst many stories like this. This story doesn’t reveal too much about anything. I like the mystery of the newborn boy, Royan. I want to know the importance that Toliath would single him out, so I’m looking forward to reading more of this story.
This was easy to read and I was able to follow it without stumbling. I’m sure there are errors, but I didn’t feel I needed to point them out and have you waste credits. Your descriptions are a bit much in some areas and not enough in others. Like the incantation spell. It’s his first time using it and I was hoping it would be more than just blackness engulfing the empress. You which POV in that small section… You went from his to hers until she was gone. So maybe somehow rearranging that sentence ’ Impenetrable blackness engulfed Aurilyn (is this her POV or is it supposed to be his?, and once it had faded, her body was gone. This being…’ I don’t know if I’m reading it incorrectly.
Otherwise, great story and looking forward to reading more.
Lillie_M reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this story. I’ll admit I’m not really into Sci-Fi but you humanised the charcters and I could understand everyone’s reasons for doing what they did. I didn’t read your original prologue but I feel this worked well as it is now. I presume the other version was from a different POV. Personally I like reading the so-called villian’s side of the story. Even if we don’t agree with his actions it is easier to rationalise them when we see the world through his eyes.
I feel as if you’ve created a whole world that we can immerse ourselves in, down to the sorcery language and the characters names. And I’m looking forward to finding out about Royan and what special powers he holds. It will be interesting to see if he attempts to avenge his parents death.
Well done and good luck with the rest, I’ll be looking out for it.
Lysander reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m very impressed with this- but I’m afraid it’s not going to be the final version. While the story itself is great, I have no real complaints about it, there are a few lines that struck me as ‘flowing’ strangely, and still a few small grammatical mistakes. I’ll list just a few here to give you an idea.
To cut down on credits I’ll just parenthesis suggestions mid-line.
‘in the Unifern (F)orest’s canopy,(dash instead here) therefore he was barely seen (remove passive-voice) in his black cowl and pants.’
‘glancing around (about) at the dark forest around them’ (‘around’ shouldn’t be repeated)
‘recently-dead unicorn’s’ (don’t need the dash, also the silver blood makes me think Harry Potter, might want to re-think it, but it’s your call)
‘Toliath peered around the tree trunk, into the glade again.’ (remove the comma, add ‘and’ there and it flows better)
‘had already dismounted it, while her guards’ (no comma needed again)
‘two of the guards, smoke rising from their scorched chests.’ (would flow better as ‘two of the guards. Smoke rose from their scorched chests.’)
Most of the little bits that screw with the flow are related to punctuation in this way- in my opinion those are really the only flaws in the piece (I don’t have the time to go through and point them all out though, you should get a good idea of it from the bits I posted).
I like the story. The use of magic is interesting, you managed to bring in mythical animals in a rather unexpected way, and I was surprised to find that the main character being ‘followed’ was in fact going to be your antagonist. An interesting start to be sure. I’m curious about how the story will unfold, and I look forward to reading more later. Be sure to go back and look at the punctuation a little more closely though, not everything is picked up well by a word processor’s ‘spelling/grammar check’ feature.
Bonus points for not using a rating criteria, they’re rather useless for novels. What matters most in a story is what you think of it quite frankly, and no one can give objective ratings without reading the entire book first anyways =)
Fido reviewed Version 1 -
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“They had forgotten and abandoned the loved ones he’d threatened to harm if they didn’t do his bidding. Now they obeyed Toliath willingly.”
I have difficulty believing anyone could ever just forgive and forget something of that nature.
“He said the words for a telekinesis spell in his head and slowed before touching down, his boots barely rustling the grass.”
Telekinesis usually refers to the ability to move objects with ones mind, not defy gravity. However this is your story, you can have it mean whatever you want.
“I’ll never let you become emperor of my people. You’ll have to kill me first.”
I’m certain that something like this would take a whole lot more than just killing the current leader. In fact, the person who did kill said leader would likely be condemned to death in a normal society, not crowned its new leader. You should explain this better.
I don’t think the word Evildoers is an effective name.
“Even after over a year, Aurilyn’s subjects had not forgotten her.”
9/11 Was almost ten years ago, no one has forgotten that. I think that it shouldn’t be surprising to see that people are still loyal to their murdered leader a mere year after the fact.
Despite the few things that I thought were a little off, I was able to read the whole thing which is saying something because my attention is a difficult thing to grab and hold onto. I’m interested in learning more about these characters and am certainly interested in learning about the inevitable rebellion led by Royan when he finds out about his parents. Keep writing.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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They had forgotten and abandoned the loved ones he’d threatened to harm if they didn’t do his bidding—This sentence right off makes me wonder if Toliath will have a fatal flaw. I don’t like this part of him, but it makes me wonder if it is a clue to his nature. Unusual
What does he have against unicorns. I only ask because in traditional tales it is bad luck to kill one. Again, an interesting aspect to his character
This is the kind of fun “sword and sorcery” fiction that you read as an indulgence. I’d like to see a little more description of the ennvironment your characters are in. Never mind that this is something I am guilty of myself.
This story had the kind of fun flavor that you enjoy but don’t take seriously. You have some grammatical errors, but I won’t point them out unless you want, but there is a little fixing to do here.
Nice try. I don’t know the difference between “tell” and “show” either.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Four horses and a unicorn had ridden into the ample moonlight. Tollith spotted three men on horseback and one riding a unicorn. This makes better sense. ample moonlight is not a good description. How about silvery?
gales and tore blades of grass from the ground….ripped patches of grass. Do you like this better?
I never heard of a gray unicorn. According to legend they are all white. You might consider this.
Evildoers….You might think of another name. This reminds me of Geroge Bush’s expression. Evildeeders or something simlar
This is one of the more interesting tales i have read in this genre. It even has a nice cliffhangr(who does the baby belong to?) I suggested things above. I enjoyed your nice descriptions of the duel and the magic disks, etc. I would read more. Sandi
BluPhoenix28 reviewed Version 1 -
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Please read notes to the reviewed in profile.
Okay, I want to preface this review that I actually did like the piece.
“The luminous moon only penetrated through a few gaps in the Unifern forest’s canopy, therefore he was barely seen in his black cowl and pants.” It is my opinion that this sentence does not flow at all. Perhaps just a small restructuring (ie “Clad in his black cowl and pants, he was barely seen in the moonlight that penetrated the Uniferns canopy” or something) I also have a bit of an issue with the fact that twice you use words suggesting a a great deal of natural light (“luminous moon” and “ample moonlight”) This almost seems in contradiction to the stealtiness of Toliath.
Feel free to paint the setting of the place that Toliath and co. are storming. Is it a fortification or something? Or is it the empress’ procession? It just seems like one second we’re in a clearing, and the next we’re at this place. Flesh it out with a clear transition and some description.
Your dialouge seems a bit choppy. The following is just an example of what I consider better flowing dialouge (again, I could be way off here)
*
“I know what you’re thinking,” he commented, grinning, “The other unicorns will not protect you. I have slain the ones in the area.”
Aurilyn’s countenance hardened even further.
“You monster!” she exclaimed, glarin at Toliath with outrage, “They did nothing to deserve this!”
“They got in my way,” Tolaith responded, secretly enjoying the expression on the empress’ face, “Now, shall we begin the duel?”
Mixing the small bits of exposition tends to have a better flow.
You do have a nice fluid style while describing the duel.
““Curse you, Toliath. You won’t get away with this.”” Um.. now this is just me, please rewrite this. Its a bit cliche.
Again, you have got a great start to a epic story here. Keep on trucking, read out lout to test flow, and have fun. I look forward to another installment.
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