He was going to say “mister” I think everyone else got that, and I never once put that he worked at the diner. He was a customer who ordered some cofee.
And yes, there were three different characters in the beginning.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Mr.Bad and The Beginning of The League
Prologue
Todd was consumed in an unmeasurable amount of fear. His feet were numb; his hands were soaked in sweat. There was a faint heat on the back of his neck.
Something was breathing down his spine.
Todd -through shut eyes; under the protection of the scratchy black wool blanket- could feel everything around him. It was as if his senses were ten times sharper but everything he felt inspired horror inside of him.
He decided to peak out of his blanket.
This was a terrible mistake. Todd saw the figure of what was inducing his worst nightmares; up the back of his spine, to the core of his brain, spreading through his whole body; a poison dripping slowly, like black ink filling the contents of it's container, consuming it.
The figure had no face, no distinct figure, it was more like a mass of black thread weaving in and out, tendrils spouting here and there. The figure never remained the same it was always distorting; perverting everything else within its range. It was grotesque in every way possible, but it did hold one distinct feature; the focal point of it's disgusting mass. Two dark red rubies that floated around what seemed to be the face.
No matter what though, it was more mocking than anything. The rubies seemed to pierce the very soul of Todd.
Todd couldn't look away. In the moment, he pressed a thumb to his pulse, checking if his signs were vital. When his pulse pounded against the ball of his thumb, he desperately wished for it to stop. If the figure wasn't there staring at him, he would've clawed at his wrist, frantically until he was no longer breathing.
The worst thing he did , was look directly into the red eyes. It reflected his face. His face was distorted, blurry, terrifying to look at. His once grey eyes had become red, his face was twisted, his mouth was pulled into a vulgar derisive smile.
It was at this time, he pulled the blanket back over him. He wasn't sure where he was, but he was beginning to recollect what had happened before when the thing beside him let out a scratchy noise- it was laughing.
"Boy, what's the matter? You look frightened... is something bothering you?" The tone was far from consoling, it was still laughing. Todd just kept shuddering feeling the ground rumble with the movements of his spine.
"Do you feel bad? About leaving the girl... to die...Ya know, you would've killed her yourself if you could have." With this he let out a wheezy chuckle.
"Shut the fuck up!" Todd yelled. A voice returned, but it was different; soothing and frightened. Just not nearly as frightened as Todd was. "Are you okay?"
Who's- who's there!" Todd yelled in sputters and spurts, not really sure if his voice belonged to him.
"My name is James... J-James Watch. Wha- whats your name?"
Todd lifted the blanket up just enough to see the man who was talking to him. The backdrop was twisted and contorted, but that man in front of him retained his shape. The man was... normal. Todd remembered normal; until he was thrown into this cell and his vision became perverted and degraded. The man had a strong face, cut out of smooth planes. The telling signs of age had cut deep lines of wisdom and kindness. The man's eyes were a grayish green, and were soothing to look at. Even though his mouth was pulled down into a frightened frown there was a hint of a smile to it; a smile of concern and consoling.
The man seemed pure to the core, also, time seemed to stop around him; a gaze that is affixed, like Medusa's gaze has entrapped you in eternal solace.
Reality soon kicked in when the large mass waddled around over to James, and Todd yelled "Go away! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Todd pulled the blanket tightly back around him.
He figured he could just suffocate himself; which Todd was perfectly content with. But, there was something about James Watch, that made Todd want to stick around, as if his fate would be revealed through this man. Why he thought like this, Todd couldn't quite figure out.
A silhouette now could be seen through Todd's thin blanket, and he presumed it was his nightmare there to mock him more. He could feel the breathing down his spine even though the horror was above him.
"What are you?" Todd barely uttered under his breath, and he did not intend this to be heard, but the creature replied, "I am the wheels that turn in your mind, I'm the sin that you've committed, I'm the very evil in your soul. Well... I'm very, very, very Bad," it breathed in heavily wrenching Todd's spine making him twist over,"Mister Bad, if you will."
And with that said it let out a roar of disgusting laughter, which made Todd scramble on the ground because it hurt his ears, the pain so intense. It leaned over,closer this time and it whispered "Your wretched soul will testify to that man.... but not yet... not here."
Todd slipped into a deep horrific sleep filled full of nightmares and foreboding prophecies to come.
Chapter 1
Todd was tired and waiting in a small diner, in a small town, with a small waitress, that had a small attention span. So far, Todd's day was filled with nothing but annoyances. About two hours earlier he had received a call from a woman requesting he meet her here. Then Todd lost his keys. To top it off the waitress had spilled coffee on his lap and refused to help clean it up because it would violate employee- customer relationship. If that event had gone differently, Todd would've been thouroughly satisfied with his morning.
"I'm terribly sorry sir," the young ,short, waitress with long golden tresses said as she gave Todd his napkins, "Miss Miracle said the meal is on the house for your troubles."
"Oh... wait, Miss Miracle?" Todd said, slightly interested.
"Yes that is the name of the lady that owns this diner. It's called Miracle Diner. The best food a small town outside of LA can offer. Rumor has it, she can turn water into wine." She said as she nodded in complete faith of the superstition.
Todd nodded indifferently.
Todd wasn't the type of man to be interested in anything, unless it dealt with something that concerned him. He does however love to fight. He used to cage fight throughout his highschool years but then joined the service in the Marine Corp. He was court marshaled and put in prison for some time for neglecting an order, which also resulted in the death of his comrades. His sentence was able to be shortened due to varying circumstances.
He always had some sort of mental glitch. He was constantly under the attack of nightmares and other things that lead to sleep deprivation and insomnia. This was the grounds his lawyer stood during the trial. For the past couple of months Todd has been able to sleep peacfully.
Todd was wiping up the last of the coffee when he heard a woman's voice clear from above. Todd looked up slowly to meet the gaze of two small oceans set behind the lens of red rimmed glasses. "Would you be Mister Durgess?" She asked slowly with a sophisticated rhetoric in the way she pronounced each syllable.
The woman had very lifeless skin. It lacked color, and was very pale. Any intensity that came from her was at the top of her head, resting in a bun. A fiery red curl had fallen beside her eyes, as if to even out the color and create some symmetry.
Her body was that of a woman's but was hidden under her (need reference on 1940 clothes for this part Caleb. Women basically wore dresses back then. Go with it. You sure we should do this in the past?). Her whole aura read all business and the cheek bones of her face were set high, and her lips were thin and pursed. Her clothes aired business, but her body said grace. Thus, creating symmetry. Todd wondered if her personality was the same.
"Sir?" She said wondering if Todd was able to speak.
"Oh, um yes, yes I am Mist- I mean Todd. You can call me Todd." Todd prompted then spoke again, "So what did you call me for?"
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clb_clark reviewed Version 1 -
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Re reviewed Version 1 -
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Page 1: Good start with a mature style. Are the rubies really rubies or are they ruby-like, or ruby colored?
Consider changing “varying circumstances” to various.
Overall an interesting segment with good imaginative details. I will look for more to surmise the overall impact.
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Stumblesome reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoy the beginning of this piece very much. I would have kept reading for sure if there was more to be read. I think my only critique at this point is that you and your friend need to slow the pace of the writing down slightly. It is all going by too fast and more, much more can be said about everything. Particularly the way that you brought up his love for fighting, seemed a bit out of place. I will keep my eye out for updates on this piece. Good luck with it.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Mist- I mean -I didnt understand what he was originally going to say
Also how could he not know the name of the dinner he worked for..he cant not care that much. Was the scary and James Watch to different people? Those are like the only things that confused me..in the intro it seemed like a conversation between three different people. There’s a mystery to this and I would read another chapter to give it a try. The title is cool also.
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