Thanks so much:) and you hit the nail on the head (sorry)- it was inspired by hemingways six word story:)
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Flash Fiction / The Book
The book sat on the top shelf. It leant flat against the back wall, so the cover was clearly displayed. Apart from a sheet of dust that lay across it, the book was in good condition. The title read: Little Boy Blue and Other Nursery Rhymes. It was placed on the shelf a year ago.
Wendy stood in the silent room. A tray of tea and biscuits rested on the table beside her. She stared at the clock mounted on the wall. The hands moved toward 5pm. She waited awkwardly, her face turned away from the bookshelf.
Every day she made tea and biscuits for her husband, placed them on the coffee table in the lounge room and waited exactly five minutes for him to arrive. The silence always waited with her, like an old friend.
Quiet footsteps grew louder and Wendy listened to her husband walk up the hall. She fidgeted with her hands, staring at the open doorway. He entered a minute later. A tall man, with a dark beard and eyes. He crossed the carpet and, like always, saw first the book, then his wife.
‘Hello,’ he said.
‘Hello,’ she replied. She involuntarily looked at the book.
‘Tea?’ she asked.
‘Not tonight,’ He watched the book.
They stood still, not even a metre apart. He thought it all and said nothing. She thought nothing and felt it all. Two figures, alone in the large room, watched over by a dusty book.
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Pretty good, because they’re could be multiple possibilities from that one book. They lost a child, a failed adoption, discovered she cant have kids.
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rollingbolus reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very good: by using such a spare style and by using it well, the silences, the things that are left unsaid, the glances, and everything that is implied here, make this piece pregnant with meaning (sorry). Very sad tale.
It kind of reminds me of Hemingways six-word story too: For sale: baby shoes, never worn.
I wouldn’t change anything about this, best of luck in your assignment :)
KindredSpirit reviewed Version 1 -
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Good to start directly with the “object,” the book. I feel there are three places you can (briefly) elaborate because you create nice interest but then you leave it: 1) The book being placed on the shelf a year ago. By whom? Why? 2) Why was Wendy’s face turned away from the bookshelf as she waited? 3) What would make the husband see the book first, and then see his wife?
How does one wait awkwardly? A visual would help here.
You might want to let us know we are in the lounge room in Par.1 to avoid location confusion when we arrive at Par.3.
You very nicely communicate much about Wendy and her husband’s relationship without actually coming out and saying it.
Ending Par. is beautiful. Well done.
cperger reviewed Version 1 -
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The way you placed the relationship between the wife and her husband upon the book itself was well done. I get the vibe of a child on their minds, more so on hers, although that’s just my interpretation.
Interesting, regardless!
Stumblesome reviewed Version 1 -
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I am not sure the meaning of this. It is intended to draw out pathos in the reader, is she reflecting on the death of a child? Is she pregnant again? So many questions!!
I did enjoy the tone of the piece, though. Very dark and mysterious.
observingowl reviewed Version 1 -
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After reading it over a third time it appears to me that maybe there should be more mentioning about the husband. From what I understand they either lost a child or could not have one, most likely the former, hence the air of grief, solitude and dusty darkness.
Perhaps here “He thought it all and said nothing. She thought nothing and felt it all.” you could consider changing “and said nothing” to “and felt nothing”.
After the sixth time reading it I thought that maybe you have room enough to also mention furniture. It is hard to add when there are only fifty words left without changing the focus but maybe describing what the husband was doing while the wife was doing what she is doing could be enough.
BytesMedia reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s spelt Chekov for reference.
This is a good peice, although you could cut a few words. Example: “Wendy stood in the silent room.” The word silent is entirely nessecary for this sentence. Personally, I don’t think it adds enough to justify it’s existence here. If you think that you have to keep it I recommend re-phrasing it to: “Wendy stood silently in the room.” It gives the character a sense of desolation without relyinh on the audience to pick up on the significance of pathetic fallacy.
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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A very nice piece with an economy of words. Like Chekov, the simple descriptions that drive the story are effective and not all that simple when one thinks about them. The character of the woman is drawn quite well. The only thing that stands out to me as a weakness in this regard is the line where she “fidgets” with her hands and “stares” at the doorway. She seems rather at peace otherwise and I’m not sure if you’re trying to add an ominous overtone (didn’t work for me) or what. It is a bit ominous that both are so absolutely cognizent of the book on the shelf. A nice touch. Good ending paragraph.
Best of luck with your assignment.
Nitpicker’s list:
“Leant against the wall” “leaned”?
You’re aware, of course, that the last sentence is really a fragment. But it works here.
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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Very good. You stated that you were supposed to write simply and directly, and you succeeded, as far as I can tell. Two minor things, however….
1) “leant”- leaned would probably be better, unless the book is loaning money to the wall, which would actually be funny, now that I think on it.
2) “He thought it all and said nothing. She thought nothing and felt it all.” – While the phrase “thought it all” is unusual, it can work in this context, though I think you should change “said” to “feel” as that ties in with the following sentence.
Overall, good job.
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