wow, thanks so much for your kind words, I’ve spent a lot of time writing this book and it really makes me feel validated when others enjoy it so much, I look forward to you reading chapter 1, thanks again :)
Young Adult / Prologue of The North Pole Challenge (Analysis)
PROLOGUE
ORIGINS OF OLD MAN WINTER
For countless centuries, Old Man Winter ruled his cold kingdom. His massive ice castle was located in the most distant reaches of the South Pole, far away from where humankind ever dared to journey. Luckily, he was spared an existence of complete loneliness by his group of tiny servants, who were not affected by the frigid conditions. These servants provided Old Man Winter plenty of joy from their mischievous and comical antics, but they also served a more practical purpose. They had an amazing ability to build Old Man Winter whatever he wanted in a matter of seconds, no matter how large or complicated. A special few servants had a gift to create something even more valuable – magical dust. But the secret of making this dust was unknown even to Old Man Winter.
As Lord of the South Pole, Old Man Winter’s sole duty was to control the cold weather on Earth, a task he was able to perform because of his most prized possession: a mystical snowglobe. He stored the snowglobe in a small cauldron in his bedroom, away from the prying eyes of his servants. It wasn’t that Old Man Winter had trouble trusting his loyal servants but he had to be extra careful. Changing possession of the snowglobe would also change possession of control over the South Pole, and thus the world’s weather, which could be tempting to even his most trusted allies. To further ensure the snowglobe’s safety, he filled the cauldron with a special freezing liquid. This dangerous liquid would immediately freeze the limb of anyone foolish enough to try removing the unbreakable snowglobe.
Every year, Old Man Winter followed the same weather pattern: cold and snow in the winter, warmth and sun in the summer. He kept his South Pole kingdom in a constant state of winter – his favorite season – but he was very careful to make sure that balance remained in the world. Spoiled by his effort to provide six months of warmth, Old Man Winter became discouraged that so many humans dreaded winter. People across the globe constantly complained about the cold weather and failed to appreciate the beauty of snow and ice, not to mention the necessity of winter in the circle of life. Old Man Winter had the power to plunge the world into a new Ice Age to force the humans into respecting him and the cold weather, but he was far too merciful and loving to do this. Instead, he hoped to change humankind’s negative opinion of winter through positive means.
“I need to invent a way to make people excited about the colder months,” Old Man Winter told his two most trusted servants.
“A celebration, a time of happiness and being with loved ones,” one of the tiny servants suggested.
“And don’t forget presents for the children,” the other servant added. “Toys will make their hearts glow and have them counting down the days to winter.”
Old Man Winter was not one to imagine such any idea on a small scale. He envisioned a magical place where toys could be built and then delivered on his winter holiday. But he and his advisors quickly realized that the South Pole was too small to house their ambitious plans. They considered building just beyond the South Pole border but human explorers had ventured farther and farther south over the years. It was important to keep their holiday village safely away from human eyes, as this would make the winter holiday more magical. Therefore, Old Man Winter decided that only one other place would be suitable for his village: the North Pole.
With his great understanding and appreciation for balance, Old Man Winter knew that the North Pole was the perfect selection. Just like the South Pole, a part of the North Pole was also inaccessible to humankind. And since his servants had no problem enduring the extreme cold – and since an amazing use of their magical dust allowed them to travel long distances in the blink of an eye – his two advisors quickly scouted the North Pole location and deemed it “ideal” for their plans.
Although Old Man Winter had gone hundreds of centuries without his winter holiday, he was too excited to put it off another moment. He gathered together all of his servants and told them his grand plans. Though many were nervous about leaving their lifelong home, Old Man Winter’s energy was contagious. As one large group, they traveled to a location just outside the North Pole’s border. The large group intended to have their first look at the construction site and immediately begin the building process. But as the two main advisors led the group into the North Pole, Old Man Winter experienced a sensation he’d never felt before: weakness. Being the most powerful entity in the world, he was shocked and confused to feel his legs grow heavy and his breathing labored with every step he took. Coldness flowed within him that had nothing to do with the blustering snow or sub-zero temperatures.
Upon noticing his absence, one of the advisors soon reappeared from the North Pole and found his master physically unable to continue forward. When Old Man Winter explained what was happening to him, his advisor questioned whether they should proceed with their plans. Knowing that there would never be a better place to build, Old Man Winter didn’t hesitate to make his decision. He gave up the chance to witness construction of his holiday village and returned to the South Pole. Once home, his strength returned to full force. Old Man Winter immediately headed to the cauldron in his bedroom. He reached his hand inside the cauldron and the freezing liquid instantly parted for him, allowing access to the snowglobe. While possession of this sacred object provided Old Man Winter his power, the snowglobe also answered any question asked by its master.
“Why can’t I enter the North Pole?” Old Man Winter asked.
He shook the snowglobe and watched as the real snowflakes floated gently before disappearing into a cloudy haze. The answer came as it always did, through a voice that only Old Man Winter could hear in his mind.
“You already know the answer to that question,” the globe responded.
“Balance.”
“That is correct, my Lord,” the snowglobe said. “If you enter the North Pole, then you would disturb Earth’s balance and risk plunging the planet into eternal winter. You have dedicated your existence to maintaining balance in the world. You’ve always done this from the South Pole for a simple reason: this is where you belong.”
“Should I have the holiday village built here instead?”
“With all due respect, my Lord, you ask questions despite already knowing the answers,” the snowglobe said. “The village is destined for the North Pole and you made the correct decision to allow your servants to begin construction there. And the answer to your next question is no, none of your servants would accept the task of running the North Pole. Unfortunately, they are too comfortable being followers, not leaders. However, there is a way to find someone suitable to fulfill your vision.”
Old Man Winter stared into the snowglobe as the cloudy haze faded away, replaced by the image of a baby.
“A child?” he asked.
“Your child, My Lord. Created of winter, dust and you.”
Old Man Winter watched as the snowglobe instructed him what to do before promptly fading back to its simple snowy interior. He carefully placed the globe back inside the frosty cauldron. For the first time that he could remember, the South Pole Lord was unsure about a decision. The prospect of raising a child to carry out his holiday vision was not an easy one to make. But with his ice castle empty of servants for the first time, Old Man Winter realized that having a son would not just give the world a reason to celebrate winter. It would also provide him a family he never expected.
Old Man Winter marched out of his ice castle, dreaming about the son he would make. The child would be kind and loving to all the children of the world, a son who would treasure the task of leading the winter holiday. Raising a child to follow his plans would postpone the start of his holiday for many years t, but that would at least allow more time to expand the village far beyond Old Man Winter’s original expectations.
He scooped up a large mound of snow and carried it inside, laying it carefully on the castle floor. Old Man Winter reached into his pocket and removed a small pouch of magical dust. With one hand, he sprinkled over the dust over the snow mound that he cradled with his other hand. A bright blue light erupted from the snow and nearly blinded Old Man Winter, who had to turn away. When he turned back and looked down, he saw a handsome baby boy, who was more striking than any child he’d ever seen. With glowing pale skin, ice-blue eyes and a full head of white-blond hair, the baby was the future of the North Pole. Old Man Winter was left more emotional than he ever could have expected.
In the corners of his eyes, tiny ice crystals began to form.
“From now on, I will be known not as Old Man Winter but instead, Father Winter,” he told his son, who did not cry but simply glared up at his father through piercing blue eyes. “And you, my son, I shall call Jack.”
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camckay reviewed Version 1 -
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CreativeFrog reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a great start to a Christmas Children’s story. I love how you began Old Man Winter’s journey. Old Man Winter is sad because humans complain about winter instead of seeing the beauty of it. This is how his journey begins in making the humans see the beauty of winter instead of the ugliness. There is a moral that is to be found in the story already, turning the ugliness into beauty, something we still struggle with today.
There are some critiques I have for you.
In the first paragraph, you could split it up into two paragraphs.
“For countless centuries, Old Man Winter ruled his cold kingdom. His massive ice castle was located in the most distant reaches of the South Pole, far away from where humankind ever dared to journey. Luckily, he was spared an existence of complete loneliness by his group of tiny servants, who were not affected by the frigid conditions. These servants provided Old Man Winter plenty of joy from their mischievous and comical antics, but they also served a more practical purpose. They had an amazing ability to build Old Man Winter whatever he wanted in a matter of seconds, no matter how large or complicated. A special few servants had a gift to create something even more valuable – magical dust. But the secret of making this dust was unknown even to Old Man Winter.”
It will flow better if it looks like this:
“For countless centuries, Old Man Winter ruled his cold kingdom. His massive ice castle was located in the most distant reaches of the South Pole, far away from where humankind ever dared to journey. Luckily, he was spared an existence of complete loneliness by his group of tiny servants, who were not affected by the frigid conditions.
“These servants provided Old Man Winter plenty of joy from their mischievous and comical antics, but they also served a more practical purpose. They had an amazing ability to build Old Man Winter whatever he wanted in a matter of seconds, no matter how large or complicated. A special few servants had a gift to create something even more valuable – magical dust. But the secret of making this dust was unknown even to Old Man Winter.”
In “He stored the snowglobe in a small cauldron in his bedroom, away from the prying eyes of his servants.” It sounded confusing to me because of the way you worded it. I would suggest to take the comma out, you really don’t need it, and also to reword to something like “He stored the snowglobe in a small cauldron in his bedroom to keep from the prying eyes of his servants.” It makes it less confusing to read.
Here you could combine both sentences: “The large group intended to have their first look at the construction site and immediately begin the building process. But as the two main advisors led the group into the North Pole, Old Man Winter experienced a sensation he’d never felt before: weakness.”
“The large group intended to have their first look at the construction site and immediately begin the building process but as the two main advisors led the group into the North Pole, Old Man Winter experienced a sensation he’d never felt before, weakness.”
When you use colons, you are typically making a list of some sort or giving an example. You use the colons in place of commas. For example: ”’You’ve always done this from the South Pole for a simple reason: this is where you belong.’”
This should read: “You’ve always done this from the South Pole for a simple reason, this is where you belong.”
Great work! I look forward to reading more from you and this story!
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Lillie_M reviewed Version 1 -
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Just some suggestions and/or things I noticed:
or complicated. – or that complicated.
to imagine such any idea – to imagine any such idea
Coldness flowed within him – A coldness flowed through him
many years t, – many years,
This story is absolutely beautiful. You had me captivated within Old Man Winters world. Deeper than just the story of Christmas it felt like a story of how people do the best for those they love. Sacrificing themselves for others.
The things I noted above were all minor as this piece is written so well. You described everything so well I imagined it easily. I think this may well be the best piece I have read so far on Urbis. Even though this is a Young Adult story I saw it as something that peoppe of any ages could read.
I honestly cannot praise you enough and I can’t wait to read Chapter One. Well done :)
mderosier reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s an interesting take on the image we had as children of the north pole, and the workshop of Santa (although you never mention him, I assume he will play into this?) The only thing I really recommend on this is to not refer to Old Man Winter as, well, Old Man Winter all the time… you can really revert to saying “He did this, or He did that..” instead of “Old Man Winter did this…” Since you haven’t brought in any other characters really, we know who you are speaking of. Maybe use his name once or twice here and there, but far less often will help make it smoother, and less repetitive. Words like “he” are skipped over by the eye very often, because of their common usage.
Other than that, I’d like to see more. Have you posted it all?
keelydurant reviewed Version 1 -
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As a YA novel, I am unsure who the audience would be for this novel. The content seems for a much younger child than the traditional YA range 9-13. The introduction grabs interest with a powerful entity with a magical snowglobe. But somehow Old Man Winter seems more of a fairy tale caricature. He lacks depth and a personality that invites the reader to follow onward.
You writing itself is very good. Nice structure. Good word choice.
The conversation between Old Man Winter and the snowglobe seems stilted and forced. Once again, I feel like I don’t really know or care about this Old Man Winter enough at this point. Of course, this is just a prologue and I’m not sure where it goes from here.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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“wasn’t that Old Man Winter had trouble trusting his loyal servants but he had to be extra careful” You need a comma between “servants” and “but”e
Just a suggestion I’d like to make: Old Man Winter should only be in control of the cold weather—to me it would make sense to have another entity (Like Spring, for instance) be in charge of the warmer weather. He could relinquish his rule for a certain period of the year and resume it in the fall.
Very well written, nice imagery, but to me this is more like children’s literature as opposed to Young Adult. It has a delightful, fairytale-like quality that would appeal to younger children, but I’m not sure it would appeal to young adults.
Very nice job.
RavenJake reviewed Version 1 -
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This holds up well for a young adult short, and probably a cute short story for an old-fashioned, sentimental adult. There are a couple of places it could possibly be cleaned up, so here are some suggestions to hopefully help out:
The first paragraph doesn’t flow as well as the rest of the piece, which is an issue as it’s the initial impression. It’s the first three sentences more than anything. If I had to pin-point anything I’d say it’s unnecessary adjectives.
“His massive ice castle” massive doesn’t feel like it says anything. A castle in the South Pole already feels like it’s on a grand scale and may not need qualification. Also “complete loneliness.” It seems like an “existence of loneliness” and an “existence of complete loneliness” are the same and feel equally encompassing. It would help if these first few sentences roll as well, if not better, than the rest of the story.
“I need to invent a way to make people excited about the colder months,”
This dialog may seem a little more natural without “to invent.”
many years t, but – typo
Old Man Winter- is repeated too many times. There are a few instances in which “he” would be sufficient.
It’s well constructed and has an excellent, fairytale feel to it, so well done.
brainfreeze reviewed Version 1 -
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The only reason I didn’t rank you highly for “Young Adult--Overall” is because I think this story would be better served in the “Children” section. Young adults have usually stopped believing in Santa Claus and Old Man Winter at this point. However, you did a beautiful job at telling the origins of Santa Claus--beginning with how Old Man Winter was trying to find solutions to humankind’s dislike of winter.
lilced01 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the imagery that you bring to the story it feels like Im actually there sitting in the south pole with him.
There were very few mistakes like “postpone the start of his holiday for many years t,” Im assuming that you meant “to come,”
Your story was alive and expressive. It was easy to follow and you developed Old Man Winter’s character fairly well. I can’t wait to read more of your work!
pmcclen2 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like how you introduced Old Man Winter first. How he created Jack, his son. The main thing about it is that it appeals to your directed audience of young adults, and I do believe they would enjoy this. I would enjoy seeing this as a cartoon or a movie too. However, more imagery is required in order to enhance the dialogue between the characters. I really like how you made the creation of Jack PG instead of what normally happens of course. Very well written overall!
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