keep in mind that the formatting is off. The italics are in the original but aren’t there when I copied and pasted. Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy the podcast.
Action Adventure / Pandora's Succession (Analysis)
Chapter 1
Somewhere near Groznyy, Chechnya,
The blow to the side of his head dropped Ridley Fox to the floor. The cold surface against the side of his face, the jarring pain, and the spinning were the last things he remembered before he blacked out. When he awoke, the throbbing pain remained as he was dragged by his legs across the floor, the concrete scraping the back of his scalp. He opened his eyes, only to stare into the barrel of a Russian AK-108 assault rifle that was less than a foot above him.
His fiancée, Jessica, died at the hands of his captors two years ago. Would it be instant, like hers, or would they torture me first? Fox guessed the latter. She was murdered just a few hours after he proposed to her. He promised her to give up his career in the Joint Task Force Two (JTF2)—Canada’s equivalence to America’s SEALs—to settle down with her. The heavy drinking and bar fights soon followed. That ended shortly with Fox in a prison holding cell. That’s where he met his current CIA superior, General Paul Downing, and learned everything about the weapons consortium know as the Arms of Ares—his captors.
Fox mentally shook away that memory as he watched a tangled web of exposed pipes and cheap wire mesh-covered light bulbs that ran along the ceiling while being dragged along a concrete floor. One of the guards yelled at him in Russian. Although Fox was fluent in the language, as well as a few others from each continent, he was too disoriented to listen. All he did was count down to the moment of his own execution.
Fox felt his legs being dropped right before the tip of a boot kicked him in the side. He cried out loudly as though the kick forced it out of him. The same guard yelled profanities at him. Fox could not see much but a yellowish flickering reflection of light overhead and heard some footsteps walk away from him. The thundering boom of the slamming metal door was accentuated by its echo in the cold, dry room that he lay in.
“Is that it? Why don’t you come back and finish me off?” screamed Fox. There was silence, except for the occasional knocking within the pipes that snaked throughout the structure. Just come back and kill me and get it over with. But Fox knew that wouldn’t happen yet.
He watched the ceiling spin above him. Fox closed his eyes, but the throbbing in his temple and his side continued. He thought back to three days ago when he was contacted by a man named Gregor Stechine—a scientist working for Ares—who offered him the opportunity to put Ares out of business. In return Fox would help him and his wife defect. It was an offer Fox couldn’t refuse. Presently he was in an underground facility where Ares was developing something so deadly that Stechine didn’t even want to discuss it in their correspondences.
He heard a metallic creaking sound as the door was reopened. Fox noticed that the person that entered the room was a bit more discreet, right down to the sound of the latch to lock it. When he opened his eyes he saw the silhouette of someone standing above him. Although he was trained not to panic in such a high tense situation, his breathing intensified when he tasted a dry cloth that tightened around his mouth. Fox blacked out, but only momentarily. He woke up he saw the individual holding a long needle above his chest.
To find out what happens next, go to http://www.Pandorabook1.com
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Gavinswar reviewed Version 1 -
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I think i would add a trickle of warm blood to the initial hit he receives, It would be a good visual and contrast to the chilled concrete.
I would do less to describe the events of the past and give it to the reader in his thoughts, it will come across smoother and add a bit of mystery, the lingering questions.
Being as hes trained to Seal level, execution should not be on his mind his only real thought is how to escape, (I suggest reading SAS escape evasion and survival) for incites into this and the mindset.
I would also lessen the use of Fox’s name as he is the only real character we know its him thinking or doing something.
All in all its above average.
Gavinswar
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lifeiwm_deathiwc reviewed Version 1 -
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DecoyarBrown reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how you teased me by only giving me a little under 400 words. but sad to say the story didn’t catch me. You need to build up you climax before you try to draw people to your story. A short excerpt will only let the reader decide if it is something they’re gonna read or not. Make it long and someone may be interested in reading. I mean no disrespect. Lots of luck to you and your book.
FleaTheElf reviewed Version 1 -
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Great opening. In only a few pages, a lot of information was included that served as a great start to a adventure yarn. Just the right amount of details – the coldness of the floor against this cheek was a nice touch. It read very smoothly and I couldn’t find any grammatical or spelling errors (regardless of how hard I tried to find them). The only criticism I have is that some of the information seems a bit forced – maybe it could be fleshed out a little more. Also, there were a few parts that skipped from third to first person – I’m sure these are supposed to be his thoughts but maybe they should be italicized so the reader knows for sure? That’s about as nitpicky as I can be because this really is close to being a perfect opening. I liked it a lot and look forward to reading more. Great job.
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