while you’ve shown me that you read the poem, how can I hope to improve my piece with this review?
Poetry / Reunited
Each hand played out with an empty gaze
As we built this house of cards.
I dressed for work, while you softly sigh,
Your eyes are always half open.
Machines replaced our most basic functions
Installed appliances for our convenience.
The light bulbs never burn out, the pipes never clog
We stand on our marks, looking for direction.
Actors in a play about the life we never wanted:
To live the only American dream.
Nightmares white washed by medicated silence,
You smile and I smile with perfect teeth.
The long lonely drive to earn enough to maintain
While I rationalize the decision I must make,
To end the lie we know sustains us
I am never going home again.
The concept faded from our view
as we conditioned ourselves to idle endlessly.
I wanted only to hold you, to feel warmth,
Let me have this frail fantasy.
Just give me something to live for,
or something for the pain.
On the pillow where we once slept,
I can still smell your hair.
***2***
I was spinning in the place where it began,
A reminiscent fissure needing to be filled.
I kept closing my eyes, kept going back.
Unhindered, I would have burned this place,
But disinclined to repair myself, I have returned,
To face my renounced reflection of failure.
I fall back to zero, the epicenter-
A straight face, this house of cards
On trembling table.
The house grows with heightened instability.
Delusional, I will lead you through each step,
Each soundless second that passes.
Do not hesitate, you only prolong the inevitable.
The unbroken circle avoids conclusion,
With glassy eyes focused on distaste.
There is nothing left for us here, just skin.
Weakness makes us stay, makes us quiet,
Only force of will can end this now.
I was wrong to think there could be closure,
I have retreated only to recollect,
Returned before, and so I will again.
To be reborn under collapsed ceilings,
We begin each game with hope to rebuild
On foundations stronger than paper and wax.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
TravisMaximus reviewed Version 2 -
Read 50% of the Item
well there are some good lines in here but I don’t really feel like there is any sort of theme connecting the different verses. I have no idea what this poem is about. Also, minor tense issues like: “I dressed for work, while you softly sigh” I feel like that should either be ‘I dress for work’ or ‘while you softly sighed’.
- add/view comments (2)
doctorwhorox reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I love this poem because it’s nostalgic without being stuffy and the lost love theme is as clear and present as a sunny day- although the poem is rather gloomy at the beginning it gradually builds up to an optimistic ending.
Jeannine reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is a very refined and sophisticated poem, very true and very sad. There is nothing I would change about it.
missfabulous reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
very well written. love the underlying message and contradictory remarks.
side reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
The simple images work to set out the mood and act to communicate a certain disquiet dissatisfaction. Your piece is filled with few word images and unique specific descriptions (ex “medicated silence”) that makes this piece stand out.
I think this piece does well to convey a mood but even after my third reading I’m having some trouble on the idea it is expressing.
wordssosweet reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Your use of symbolism is wonderful. I assume you’re talking about govt, the credit crunch and the regular American person. If that’s the case, you do so eloquently without beating the reader over the head with the words money, money, money.
Good job.
E.
KidTruth reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think that the first half of the poem is plenty – the second half is less focused and doesn’t progress naturally. In part one the breakup seems inevitable, and the title of the poem would lead me to believe that the two either reunite in part two or they break up. Instead nothing happens.
Also, this suffers the fact that it’s yet another poem about breaking up. Still, it is a well written poem about breaking up.
waywardreiko reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Profound in its entirety… I love ideas presented here, the silent pain you now embrace and what have you, very well put. However if there were anything to critique about this poem it would be the flow. I would try fixing the word usage up a bit to make the poem sort of roll off the tongue. pay attention to the iambs and what not of the words, stressed and non-stressed syllables. But again excellent work, just needs some fine tuning but it shows a raw talent, kudos.
DeadSaint reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
1 : Amazing flow and overall great job. The best line(s) in my opinion was
“I wanted only to hold you, to feel warmth,
Let me have this frail fantasy.”
Without that a large amount of the imagery would be gone because this line shows the intensity of the want.
2 : Again great job. I can not say anything that I have not said already. I hope to read more works like this. I gave you a nine on overall poetry.
karamarie reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Oh, the endless struggle we go through at times to fix a relationship that can never be fixed. I loved the images you painted, the way you likened it to a house of cards, the fake smiles, and the frail fantasy of something we want the relationship to be, yet never solid. This is very well done. Here is my only suggestion, and very small :)
“We begin each game with [the] hope to rebuild”
Showing 1 - 10 of 29
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
14 Reviews 13 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: 2 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 204 Times
Skipped: 10 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 | Version 1 (Deleted) |