Thanks for the constructive advice. Your viewpoint means a lot to me.
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Novel Treatments / Dream Encounters (Analysis)
Winston Chaney was an English high-ranking member of the shadow Lionsgate Party; in a time of the biggest class divide in history, as food prices sky-rocketed.
In Europe and America people were being shot by the People's Front Party soldiers, a military solution to the food poverty riots. And those that could afford to eat were in danger of being mugged and attacked. These acts of terror were increasing daily and those that had money were happy to turn a blind eye.Winston could not.
His current manifesto did not sit well with the ethos of lionsgate. He had experienced a rude awakening of consciousness and felt adrift on the sea without a paddle. Nobody else wanted to make waves. The People's Front Party were in power across the globe and everyone feared them. It was a dangerous time for anyone that opposed their views.
This emerging disillusion was a disturbing experience for Winston who enjoyed his career, his lifestyle, and the respect afforded to him by his peers. His new views, which held him in the minority, did not marry well with his current profession. Fellow colleagues were regarding him very differently.
Winston overheard their comments in the corridors and restrooms.
“Has he gone mad?”
“Upstart!”
“His parliamentary reforms can only be viewed as crazy,”
and, the most damaging of all,
“He has got to go – for the sake of the party or he will bring us all down.”
Faced with this impossible dilemma, his heart or his career, Winston knew a choice had to be made and fast.
He could continue with his career as long as he toed the line, he would be forced to accept that the only changes he could make, for the most part, would be inconsequential and insignificant.
Winston drove home to his Kensington flat and parked his Mercedes in the garage. He felt weary and tense as he opened the front door. Out of habit he poured a large glass of Jim Beam and Coke then sat in his favorite armchair. He purposely left the lights off, the distraction of light would interfere with his thoughts. Slowly, his tension eased, soothed and sedated by the warmth and intoxication of three glasses of Jim Beam. Placing his glass carefully on the nearby ornate coffee table, he reclined back in the armchair and slipped into a deep sleep.
He could see a women way ahead of him surrounded by a dull barren landscape. She was slender with long dark hair. There was something magnetic and enchanting about her. Winston hurried towards her still form. Why was she alone in what appeared to be a desert? Finally Winston caught up with her. She was crying.
“Why are you crying?” he asked.
She replied, “Because everything is wrong.”
“I know,” answered Winston. “But how can we make it right?"
She looked up and smiled, enabling Winston to gaze upon her dark brown eyes that looked so sad. At that point Winston awoke from his dream. It was 3:00 a.m. and he remembered clearly every visual detail and conversation that took place, with a clarity rare to linger from a dream..
For six months Winston encountered the same dark haired lady in his sleep. They met, talked and listened to the words of a faceless teacher.
Winston was resolute. He would use every ounce of his power to solve the biggest problem of them all, poverty. The violence and food wars continued.
Winston felt like he was banging his head against a brick wall. The world was fucked and there was nothing he could do about it. He arrived home around 1:00 a.m. It had been a long day; confusing thoughts plagued his mind.
Walking straight to the drinks cabinet he poured himself a liberal measure of scotch with little water, and wearily slumped in his favorite chair. Winston’s mind chased around for a missing answer but his thinking process was buffered by the strains of the day.
He looked around him and was astonished to see hundreds, if not thousands of people, with the same climbing task; they shared his troubled expression. Looking up at the summit he saw the same lady from his other dreams; she was waiting to greet the climbers. Determination took over and he continued with the climb.
He must speak with her again. Luckily in his dream he was an extremely competent climber and could see the summit edging ever closer. Panting with the physical effort involved, Winston made the final few steps and reached her. This time she was not crying and she passed him a bottled water, which he gratefully received.
“We keep meeting but I don’t know your name,” Winston said.
“My name is Josephine, and your name?”
“My name is Winston. How can I find you?”
“Easy. The key is to find the light.”
Winston recounted his dream over and over in his mind and was moved by its clarity and realism, almost as if it was not a dream but an actual event.
He visualized the features of Josephine; her long dark hair and darker eyes, her slim form, her slow graceful movements and it gladdened his heart. Then he remembered her important message: the key is to find the light.
Feeling a sense of urgency Winston powered up his computer and went to the search page. First of all he typed in the key is to find the light; pages of random religious sites appeared. He clicked in and out of each one finding little of interest. His eyes became strained, his vision blurred, tiredness set in. It was 5.20 a.m.: his thoughts drifted to the notion that he should pack up and get some sleep. He typed in find the light, then he saw her: Josephine.
At that moment he knew their destinies would be entwined forever. He typed her a message through the site and hoped that she would soon reply.
Dearest Josephine
You are more beautiful in my mind than your picture. I am so glad you are real, not just a dream. We were meant to meet, I was meant to find you. You are my light. I miss you and need to see you again. Please let us meet. With all my heart.
Winston
The next day his mind could not focus, his thoughts remained solely with Josephine and he spent most of his day checking his in box to see if she had got in touch.
Josephine was amazed and delighted to read Winston’s message. She re-read his message over and over again, as if she could not believe its reality.
Ever since she had met him in her dreams she could not stop thinking about him and here was his message as real as her cat Molly. She typed out a reply, but deleted every line, feeling useless at her inability to convey the right words to show her thoughts and feelings. In an act of desperation she just typed out her mobile number and a kiss, she pressed send without a moments thought.
“Why did I do that? I must be mad. He will think I am. Why isn’t there an undo key for email?”
The sound of her mobile ringing caused her heart to miss a beat, holding her breath she picked up the phone and looked at the display. She did not recognize the number.
“Hello”
“Josephine?”
“Winston?”
A prolonged pause of anticipation traveled along the airways, as they both embraced the knowledge that their destinies were set with each other.
“Where are you? I need to see you.”
“I’m at home. Where are you?”
“Hopefully on my way over. Where is that exactly?”
Calmly, without her usual sense of panic or fear of visitors she gave Winston her address.
“I’m leaving now. I should be with you in less than a hour.”
“See you soon.”
Josephine felt excited and worried all at the same time. She was surprised by his accent, very public school boy, like a BBC presenter from the 1960’s. In her dreams she had not noticed that. All of her life Josephine had been poor, her parents were poor and for some people this had been an issue. Wealthy people on the whole tended to look down on the less fortunate.
Molly her cat sensed that something was up and nestled herself on Josephine’s lap. She did her best but I love you routine, rubbing herself back and forth against her arm whilst purring at full volume. Delighted by Molly’s antics she put her worries to one side, and scratched her furry friend behind the ears. Molly jumped off Josephine’s lap in response to the screeching of the gate, the only time it made that sound was when Josephine returned home. This time the sound was made by Winston. Josephine followed Molly to the door, opening it before Winston had a chance to knock. She felt as if she had known Winston all of her life and they greeted each other naturally as old friends would. Molly brushed herself against Winston’s leg, feeling curious about this stranger.
“Who is this?” he said, leaning down to stroke her ear.
“This is Molly, she kind of adopted me.”
“You made a good choice there Molly,” he said addressing the cat, who had now grown bored of his company. She strutted off after stiffening and making a show of turning her back to him. “I don’t think she is impressed by me,” he said.
“It’s not you, we don’t really have visitors.”
“I think that is all about to change, you are becoming a very significant being.”
“Not really, I am having an experience that thousands of people share.”
“Me included. I can’t believe what has happened, my dream was real, you are real.”
“Nothing really surprises me anymore, not with what I have been through.”
“We were meant to be together, you and I. Do you sense that?”
“I invited you here didn’t I, that must tell you something.” Josephine paused and regretting her words added. “Sorry, of course you are right, there is a higher power working here, and we must just go with it.”
“I’m not that bad am I?”
“I didn’t mean that. I know nothing about you. What do you do?”
“You mean how do I earn a living. I guess you don’t watch the news. I am an MP for the Lionsgate Party.”
“That must be difficult, with all this.”
“It doesn’t help no. I considered quitting but decided in the end it might do more good if I stayed. The dreams and everything have turned my world upside down.”
“At least you are not crazy.”
“Why would you say that?”
“When this all started I felt as though I was losing my mind. I did some crazy, stupid things, ended up in a mental hospital. It’s the voices that is the hardest thing to bear.”
“Well you don’t seem at all crazy to me, quite the opposite in fact. If I started hearing voices I would question my own sanity.”
“Thanks for that. It means a lot, what you think.”
“I am a mere humble MP, my opinion counts for very little.”
“Anyway that is all in the past. It is the future we should be worried about.”
“Tell me about yourself. I want to know everything about you.”
“There is not a lot to tell really. I used to paint, but I don’t have the heart for it now. My mum was quite famous for her artwork, I wanted to be just like her, but I don’t have the talent or the passion.”
“There is an art to what you do, bringing all these people together, that means more than a painting. Does you mum still paint?”
“No, she doesn’t, she died.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, she led a great life, full of happiness. She wouldn’t be happy in this world.”
“What happened to her?”
“Opium, she was addicted to Opium. She died as she lived, with a smile on her face.”
“I bet you miss her?”
“I always knew she would die young. She lived life in the fast lane, never stopping, embracing life. She lived more in one year than most people live in a lifetime.”
“And you?”
“I am not my mother, I would like to be.”
Winston noticed that Josephine’s face lit up as she spoke of her mother. Her features radiated with joy and happiness. He hoped that one day he could also be a source of her happiness. “Why don’t we take a leaf out of your mother’s book and go and have some fun?”
“And do what exactly?” she laughed.
“Forget the bad times, laugh, see the sights, walk, eat and be merry.”
“Ok, let's do it. I'll get my coat.”
“Allow me,” said Winston as he held her coat open for her to put on.
Winston unlatched the screechy gate for her, and he ran on ahead to unlock his car. He sat in the driver’s seat and opened the passenger door, beckoning her to join him. “Hop in.” Josephine sat in the offered seat, noticing the smell of new leather.
“This is a bit flash.”
“I bought this before I developed a conscience.”
“I see. I like it, it suits you.”
“I am glad you approve. Where would you like to start our fun day?”
“I don’t know, I can’t think. I could show you my mother’s painting.”
“I’d like that. Where is it?”
“The Tate Modern.”
“The Tate it is.”
Winston drove along to the south bank of the River Thames at Bankside. He stopped the car and parked near Blackfriars bridge. They got out of the car and walked to the entrance of the gallery which was a lowered concrete platform. Josephine led the way and he followed her to the third level of the building.
“What do you think of this,” she said excitedly.
“Wow, I am not a fan of abstract, but this is amazing. Is this your mother’s painting?”
“No, and it’s not abstract its surrealist. This is ‘La Vertu noire’, this painting was my mother’s inspiration.”
“It is certainly inspirational.”
Josephine walked to the next canvas.
“This is my mother’s work, ‘The Gate-keeper’.”
The oil painting was two dimensional; divided by light and vibrant shades with a doorway leading to deeper and darker tones. The alternate visions differed in texture, brush strokes and depth of color. It conveyed an emotional mixture of pure joy and pure despair all under one canvas.
“It appears almost alive.”
“My mother wanted to convey the true spirit of the soul, embracing both parts, unifying the good with the bad. She said this painting made her feel complete, whole.”
“She was a brave woman to look within herself like that. To accept what we don’t wish to see.”
“Your words would make her happy. She would have liked you.”
“You get a sense of the person, almost a self-portrait.”
“Shall we get out of here? Grab a coffee, or something?”
Winston admired her, she managed to stay so cheerful when she talked about her mother, it was as if even in death her mother kept her happy with her memories. They walked together losing their fears with each other’s smiles and laughter. Like most people they remained blasé about the growing levels of violence. They chatted as they walked and Josephine told him all about how and why she started the Find the Light site and about her friend Mr. Wiu. He told her what happened to him after the dreams, how he nearly quit his job, but decided he could do more good if he stayed. The smell of ground coffee roasting wafted towards them and they followed the heady aroma to a nearby café. They sat together in the café embracing their mugs of hot caffeine.
“Mr. Wiu and his girlfriend May are coming over to mine tomorrow. You should come and meet them. I know you’ll get on.”
“I just cleared today so I could spend it with you. I have a couple of meetings tomorrow. What time? I can re-arrange things.”
“We were going to meet up around five teatime.”
“Five it is. Does this mean our date is over for today?”
“I do have to get back, Molly, the Site.”
“I understand. I’ll take you home.”
Arriving back at Josephine’s flat Winston got out of the car and walked her to the door. He felt a surge of childish awkward excitement as he shyly kissed her on the cheek.
“Goodnight”
“Goodnight”
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boniface11 reviewed Version 10 -
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Megan_Solari reviewed Version 9 -
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dcyuelling reviewed Version 9 -
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jonny2469 reviewed Version 9 -
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The first 11 of the 20 pages of this review were all formatting scribble. Just to let you know. Here’s the typo/punctuation error breakdown.
‘Everyone, except Winston feared…’ there should be a comma after Winston
‘I’ll be forced to accept the only changes …’ comma after accept
‘Slowly, his tension eased, soothed and sedated by the’ no comma after slowly, then either a semi-colon or a conjunction after eased
“now he felt comforted and stronger….Winston felt stronger as he sat ” not sure if this redundancy was intended, thought it might have been a typo
‘He walked to his drinks cabinet’ drink cabinet (weak), or wet bar, or liquor closet, but the way you have it, even without the apostrophe, makes it sound like your ‘drinks’ own the cabinet themselves
‘Luckily in this dream he…’ comma after luckily
‘He visualized the features of Josephine; her long dark hair and…’ should have a colon at the beginning of list, not a semi-colon
‘Feeling a sense of urgency Winston powered…’ comma after urgency
‘she could not stop thinking about him and here was his…’ comma before and
‘Calmly, without her usual sense of panic or fear of visitors she gave…’ comma after visitors
‘poor, her parents were poor and for…’ comma after the second poor
‘Molly her cat sensed that something was up’ commas setting apart her cat, plus we already know it’s her cat so just cut it
‘She did her best but I love you routine, rubbing herself back and forth against her arm whilst purring at full volume.’ misplaced modifiers (her back against her arm, need to set but I love you off with single quotes or dashes
‘Delighted by Molly’s antics she put her…’ comma after antics
‘screeching of the gate, the only time it made…’ two independent clauses need to be connected by a semi colon or conjunction.
‘known Winston all of her life and they greeted each…’ comma after life
believe it or not, I left most of the dialog errors out because at heart I think you can punctuate dialog however you want. But more truthfully cutting and pasting was getting tedious.
Of course I didn’t comment on word choice, story logic, and sentence structure, or general content. I hate to say it but the issues are much like punctuation else, full of amateur mistakes. Maybe stick to short stories until you get the basics down. You’re not ready for a novel. Sorry. Work hard though, and a few years down the road you’ll realize your goals.
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shadow_loveless reviewed Version 9 -
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The reviewer notes are tantalizing enough but page 1-10 are glitched and full of html jargon. After that mess, its good stuff. I would suggest you slow it down a bit. More of the details. Feelings, sounds, flavors. Engage the terrain a bit more, that which we pass through and that which exists within the characters. Drawing it out a bit makes the reader ache to know more. Otherwise it’s a fresh perspective and I find it interesting.
Deadsage reviewed Version 7 -
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your opening is too passive. I felt my attention drifting due to this being all a summary of what has already happened.
You would do this story a great service by removing all the things that just “were” and making them actually happen. Example: “In Europe and America people were being shot by the People’s Front Party soldiers…” – “The People’s Front Party soldiers regularly shot rioters all over Europe and America.” I won’t burn all your credits pointing this out, but it’s all over this chapter.
“felt adrift on the sea without a paddle” -cliche alert.
“He could see a [woman] ” -typo
“in what appeared to be a desert” -is it a desert or does it just appear that way?
“he remembered clearly every visual detail and conversation that took place, with a clarity rare to linger from a dream..” -repetative, why not choose whether he “remembered with a clarity…” or just leave the sentence off at ”...took place.” also there is an extra period.
you shouldn’t summarize “the next six months” or the “faceless teacher” as the reader I feel robbed by not getting the details of his slow transition and the wisdom of this teacher.
“banging his head against a brick wall” -cliche alert
“chased around for a missing answer ” -verb usage issue. you look around for something, you don’t chase around for it, you just chase it.
“his [inbox]” inbox is one word in this usage.
“like a BBC presenter from the 1960’s” -I thought the year was 2024… she’d have to be 80+ years old to make that connection.
“Molly[,] her cat[,] sensed that something was up ” -punctuation help.
“She did her best “I love you” routine…” -quotes to make this read smoothly
The “shes” and “hers” get confusing with Molly and Josephine.
“It doesn’t help[,] no.” -a little more natural.
The dialogue is decent, though a little more straight forward than most people tend to be. Though with the falling in and out of dreams, it does stand to reason that things would be unrealistic.
Overall, I think your story has promise, but you need to work on creative expression over cliches and action movies. Which this felt heavily weighed down by.
Jane_R reviewed Version 7 -
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The situation is intriguing. The contrast in characters is good. Winston’s dilemma is real and potent. Do try to imagine more physical details and use them to convey things rather than spelling out abstractly.
For example, the opening is an “info dump.” I wonder how to get around the flat statements and passive voice. How about giving us the scene first: ”Winston winced and ran his finger around his collar, trying to avoid the panic invoked by the comment he’d just overheard….” then tell the comment, then give some background.
cliche phrases: ”at sea without a paddle”, “gaze upon”, “gladdened his heart”, “their destinies would be entwined forever”, “She felt as if she had known Winston all of her life”
avoid redundancies such as “Fellow colleagues” and “inconsequential and insignificant”
typo: “He could see a women way” woman
“still form” is both over-used and not-quite-right here. Is she sitting? Standing? give visual detail.
after the first dream (p2), it jumps to “W was resolute”—can you spell out greater connection, continuity? we have 2 paragraphs of generalities and then jump to a specific day “He arrived home around 1:00 a.m.” Try to orient us better and give transition.
again when he comes back from the dream—place him back in his physical setting before you say: “Winston recounted his dream over…”
“A prolonged pause of anticipation traveled along the airways” is a great wording, but it is diluted by the rest of the sentence—because we know already that they are intertwined. perhaps show one of them reacting, sweating, trembling.
In general, try to give us specific, personal, bodily reactions rather than summaries. “She felt as if she had known Winston all of her life” could be “She felt a wave of relaxation move through her shoulders and back, where she always was tense, a familiar yet unfamiliar sense of safety.” or the like.
in the paragraph, “Molly her cat sensed…” the succession of “she”s is unclear—J is the subject, then cat, then J. Clarify.
I like the dialogue about the cat and the world—it picks up the pace and works well. It is very strong, the scene in the gallery, the talk about her mother. Your dialogue is strong and adds a lot of life.
Then as they are walking, “Like most people they remained blasé about the growing levels of violence.” huh?? these 2 seem anything but blase. What do you mean and is it needed here? the previous sentence about losing their fears seems unneeded—the talk makes it clear.
RavenJake reviewed Version 6 -
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This shows a good imagination and is pretty fun to read. The thing that strikes me the most about it is the potential. There are some technical issues that need to be addressed as well as some plot points. It’s a good story that could be a great story so here are some suggestions that can hopefully help out a little.
Though you may mean Churchill, everyone will be thinking Smith.
“In Europe and America people were being shot by the People’s Front Party soldiers, just because they wanted to eat.”
Everyone is dead and the story is over… They aren’t being shot because they want to eat, everyone wants to eat. They have to be shot as the result of some sort of action that is motivated from that starvation for it to make sense.
felt adrift on the sea of life without a paddle.
cut out “of life” as it removes you from the imagery
Get rid of all the passive actions, here are some examples from your story:
had always enjoyed=enjoyed
were now starting to regard=regarded
feeling=felt
had purposely=purposely
were becoming strained=strained
“His mind gently became soothed and sedated by the warmth and intoxication of the now third glass of Jim Beam.”
Passive sentence.
reclined further back
farther
The dialog tags of asked, replied and answered are all redundant as they should be implied by the text. No one needs to be told that a question mark at the end of a sentence implies a question. Said, or character action (with an occasional scream or whisper) is sufficient.
“At that point Winston and his mystery lady awoke from their dreams.”
It has not been established that she is an actual person. The reader will think “Julia,” given the name Winston, and a rendezvous with a girl.
He looked around …climbing task
This sentence needs a set up.
recounted his dream over and over in his mind and was
remove “in his mind”
I’m going to end with this as this suggestion, were you to like it, would change the course of the chapter a little bit:
“Josephine was amazed and delighted to read Winston’s message.”
This is too much of a focus and perspective jump. You should focus on Winston’s anxiety while he impatiently waits for a message that may or may not be coming. He shouldn’t mention the dream in his first letter, as that is a logical jump that he should be apprehensive about.
To follow it up with a mysterious reply, from her, that validates the dream will be far more impactful for the reader. Keep they mystery, and making the meeting a mystery- that plot point will drive your story forward. It’s already there, it could simply be adjusted so that the reader could feel that sense of unknown and be driven by curiosity to read on. Don’t give away her motives, feelings or actual personality. The reader should even question whether she is protagonist or antagonist.
LadyKat reviewed Version 6 -
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[Is this two different people talking? If not, separate]
“Upstart!” “His parliamentary reforms can only be viewed as crazy,”
and, the most damaging of all,
Dearest Josephine[,]needs comma.
I would suggest you research the topic to make sure your addition of politics in your story is realistic. Good dialogue.
[is this the same person talking? If not, I suggest separating this.]
Pg 7. “I bet you miss her?” “I always knew she would die young. She lived life in the fast lane, never stopping, embracing life.” She lived more in one year than most people live in a lifetime.
[On the sentences when you have the quotations like this I am wondering also if you are intended to put a narrative in between]
“I bet you miss her?” “I always knew she would die young. She lived life in the fast lane, never stopping, embracing life. She lived more in one year than most people live in a lifetime.”
[also in this sentence, same thought]
“And you?” “I am not my mother, I would like to be.”
I suggest reading what you have written outloud to make sure it reads like you want it to. This helps during proofreading.
pigpen reviewed Version 6 -
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A few things, not exhaustive:
okay, page two, Winston’s dreaming, and then….
“For many months Winston met his mystery lady every night in his dreams and they traveled following the teachings of their spirit guide together.”
What?
I think you could spend a great deal more time on Winston’s dreaming, and explain all of this.
Pages 6 & 7: the dialogue. I don’t know who is saying what after a few lines, needs some he said, she said at least.
Find the Light, the Site: we know nothing about it, why its important, etc.
This could serve as the backbone for a lot of explanation, and be a great start. Some things would bear fleshing out significantly, and the dialogue could use some attention.
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