Hi dc, it’s actually a full length novel. It’s complete barring the fine tuning that you and others are helping me with. This is Chapter Two. Maybe I’ve listed it under the wrong section?
Thanks.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Relatively Superhuman: Chapter 2/Part 1 - GRAVITY
The sixty-year-old man who had spent the last quarter of his life calling himself Oscar Santa Cruz―and who resembled the local Paraguayans enough to be mistaken for one―felt heavy of late.
Even the three sun-bleached stone steps into Doctor Marta Alvarez’s intimate practice were a challenge for him. He could barely climb them without clamping hold of his leading knee to help pull the rest of his body up. He'd experienced a similar weight once before, over a decade ago, minutes before the coalition soldiers stormed him and his associates. That time the heaviness was the sole reason why he and his closest had escaped, while the others had been torn to shreds by western bullets.
Inside the small practice, shielded from Asunción’s close summer heat, his doctor and long-time object of flirtation assured him that he was in the best of health.
But...you're sure?” he asked, fumbling with his shirt buttons after the five minute examination. He was so blinded with concern that he didn't even take the time to appreciate the attractive woman's warm hands on his body, as he normally would. Two weeks earlier, at a local cantina, he almost made an advance on her, but decided that he had plenty time.
“You almost seem disappointed Oscar,” the doctor said, not looking up from her adjustment of his notes.
And he was.
Before that first time seventeen years ago, he never believed in any truly supernatural abilities, but the appearance of his gift, his personal warning system, put paid to that belief by alerting him effectively of danger to come. Only a fool would ignore a second occurrence of the warning, and Oscar did not consider himself to be either foolish or ignorant.
He left the practice as quickly as his new weight allowed him. On the dusty evening streets he wove around children who skipped or chased each other, passed men who sat chatting in shaded doorways, and side-stepped women with groceries and bunches of vibrant flowers.
He finally reached his building on Calle de Las Incas, in the Villa Morra barrio. Sweat held his shirt to his skin like cling-film, and matted his lank, dark grey hair to his forehead.
The Gonzalez child, who lived in the flat next door to Oscar’s, bowled out of the main entrance, nearly knocking him over. The boy looked back at him and he looked back at the boy―unusual, as the brat would never normally pay him that much attention. His little rat of a dog followed him out. It took time to stop and yap at Oscar then scuttled off to catch up with its master, barely kicking up dust.
Oscar attacked the six flights of stairs to his third floor apartment with much grunting and use of the handrails. The higher he climbed the heavier he seemed to become. He had desperately wanted the doctor to find something wrong with him, but in the absence of a medical explanation he knew for certain that his life was in danger. He would pack his bags immediately.
From the foul stench on the third floor landing, he knew that the rabid mongrel had urinated somewhere in the hallway again. He cursed in his native language, which was not Spanish. If he got his hands on the little rat-like hound it would end up at the bottom of a pit in the Cinco Manos archaeology site, where Oscar worked as a foreman. In fact, both the dog and the brat. Just like the old days.
Oscar unlocked the flaking green and cream door that was in need of painting if not replacing. He had never really considered the security it offered him until today. He entered the dark space to the welcome of creaking floorboards and shut the door behind him. A large square of light at the opposite side of the spacious living room outlined his balcony through sliding doors, and the man-sized palm plant on it. The rest of the room lay in dark contrast.
He stood with his back against the door for a while staring at that framed scene, remembering a similar climate, a similar vegetation, a similar gravity. For well over a decade now that time had seemed like an altogether different existence. But now with this heaviness, like a stray scent jump-starting a long buried memory, that world came smashing back through everything like an unexpected mortar attack.
Oscar wondered how the others were coping. He too had considered China, Northern India, Indonesia, even Russia, but they never seemed far enough away. In Paraguay, he felt he had the extra security of distance. He always believed that the rest of Asia would be the first place anyone would look. Now he wasn’t so sure.
He wondered then if his old friends had also witnessed signs that...
“Your former colleagues are dead.”
He almost collapsed to the floor, as if the whispered voice itself had slapped him down. Fear gripped him like a hand reaching into his ribcage, clenching into a cold fist around his heart.
"Qui…qui…quien es?” He crouched, as if ready to pounce on the intruder.
“Who is there?”
Silence.
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Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 1 -
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I find this almost flawless. It is engrossing and well written!
This is a matter of style, but could this be dashed off:
the appearance of his gift--his personal warning system--put paid to that belief
would make this importanyt point, “His personal warning system” stand out better?
I also wasn’t sure I understood the phrase “put paid” but this is a miniscule thing. If you like it, a copy editor will keep it if they do too. Don’t sweat something small like this. Its just my opinion :)
Page 2:
he had… He’d (another small editing thing)
Page 3:
Flawless!
I very much like this read! I can’t wait for more. I wish I had more to say, but there is really nothing except that it is working, and the writing, characterization, etc. is compelling. A worthy project… Keep moving on it and don’t get distracted.
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dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting read. It flowed very well. I didn’t have a problem reading it. I am so curious to know what his medical condition was. I didn’t spot any obvious grammar errors but if there is I’m pretty sure someone would note them. I was too interested in the story itself. I’m wondering about the changes too. Is he gaining weight? Did I miss that?
This has potential. With a start like this you could get away with making it more than a short story. Although, making it longer might make it seem dragging. I look forward to seeing what you have next.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Reviewing you is hard because grammar wise you’re a pro. This just red so slick and you used uniuqe verbs and adjectives to not make your sentences come as repetitive. Plot was I figure this is the guy same guy from part 1 and I’m still a little hazy on his supernatural abiltly.
TerJa reviewed Version 1 -
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A short recap would be of help. I think you have an interesting story to tell, but I am missing some background. I haven’t read many stories set in Paraguay.
You have a good cliffhanger ending. It would maybe seem that a lot of information is about to be revealed. Oh, no one would really let a rabid dog wander and apartment building.
Your writing style is, at times,a bit convoluted, but readable. (Random example – the first sentence.)
I’ll read more as you post it. Let me know.
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