Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Relatively Superhuman: Chapter 2/Part 2 - GRAVITY

 

The whisper had come from the far right wall, over in the dark corner where his writing bureau was situated beneath a painting of The Virgin Mary. He dispatched a swift mental cry for help to her.

“Quien es?” he demanded again, hoarsely, unable to mask the raw fear in his voice.

He fumbled behind him for the light switch and experienced another fleeting supernormal ability in the form of clairvoyance: he was certain that the light would not work.

Flick.

He was right.

Oscar spun around with a swiftness that belied his age and grabbed the door handle, but he only managed to pull the door open by a crack before it was slammed shut again by an unseen force.

But how?

He hadn’t heard any footsteps bringing the intruder over from the writing bureau to the door.

Before he could analyse the situation any further he was nearly lifted off his feet and pushed back across the floor, which now creaked and issued the footsteps that he had expected seconds ago.

Oscar blindly grabbed the wrists of his attacker, just below their clenched fists and the scrunched up material of his own sweat-soaked shirt. “I have money!”

But the silent assailant continued driving him across the room until he slammed Oscar’s back against the balcony doors. He held him there, forcing him against the glass. Oscar's heart thumped so forcefully that he was sure he could hear it battering the pane behind him.

He heard the whispered voice again, a few words, but this time in a language he couldn't place. Now he knew there were two of them, as the voice wasn’t of the one who had grabbed him. It had definitely come from back in the room. It seemed that on hearing it, Oscar’s throat suddenly turned as dry as Asunción's streets.

The man shoved him through the open section of the doors sending Oscar stumbling out onto the balcony and knocking over the palm plant. The old man’s heart could now keep pace with a hummingbird's. He held his damp throat, opened his mouth to speak, or scream, but nothing came out. That dryness wouldn't let him. It was strange; it didn’t feel like the normal type of dryness, the type that could be relieved by a bottle of cerveza. He coughed. And again. It grew worse.

The man stood just inside, the upper half of his face still hidden in the shade of the interior. He watched Oscar coughing, spitting, wrestling with his vocal chords. Oscar stumbled around the space, one hand on his throat, the other grabbing hold of the scorched balcony wall as he desperately searched for an escape route. He had always thought that the balconies of that building were too close together, that a younger man could easily jump from one to the other. He wished he were a younger man now. Then he spotted a fresh footprint on the top edge of the balcony wall, where someone―a younger man no doubt―seemed to have leapt from next-door's balcony; the balcony of the Gonzalez apartment.

Oscar's eyes fell on the mellowing street three stories below. The Gonzalez boy kicked his football against the front wall while his canine-rodent hybrid scuttled around at his feet. Oscar signalled to the boy, waving his arms frantically. The child stopped the football under one foot; had and his dog stared up blankly at Oscar. The boy showed the old man the back of his middle finger, then he and his dog continued playing.

Oscar turned back to the balcony door. The man still stood there, perhaps smiling, Oscar couldn't be sure because of the glaze that had set over his eyes. The man stepped out now, into the light. Oscar almost didn't want to look, like when you have the opportunity to see the face of Satan himself. Lightly tanned healthy skin. Clean shaven. Pale grey, calm eyes. Silver hair―turned so too early―cropped neat and short. Like a soldier’s.

Oscar did not know him, but yet―going by the clue given by the man’s partner, and his military appearance―he knew that this moment had been seventeen years in the making.

A degree of calm came over him as he looked into the pale eyes. Resignation. In return the silver-haired man remained expressionless, and leaned on the balcony edge watching the boy below. Then, Oscar noticed something: every few seconds, the man trembled. His whole body, shaking, as if he suffered from widespread Parkinson's disease.

He is unwell!

Oscar dashed in through the open balcony doors. He figured he knew the interior of his apartment better than the man’s colleague did, so he could make it to the main door through the dark before...

He fell to the ground so suddenly that he slid.

It was Voice, and its incomprehensible words again, just as he felt he was going to make it out of the apartment. As soon as he heard it, he somehow lost the use of his legs.

“This is the end, Oscar...” still a whisper. “Just embrace it.”

With one side of his face on the floor, looking back at a ninety degree angle through the bright square again, he saw that the silver-haired man hadn’t even turned around; he was that sure of his partner's surreal stopping power.

The voice stepped into the light, creating an unmistakable silhouette. It outlined boots, bare legs, and a skirt.

“Get up,” she said.

 

 

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Rhonda9080 avatar Random Review

September 27, 2009

Rhonda9080

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Page 1:
lead paragraph: I like it, but could it pack more punch if you made this its own sentence? Also, can you take out the “had come”.
Could be:  The whisper came from the far right wall. From over in the dark corner…  
“Had come” takes away from the drama. “Came” will immerse us into immediate action, and instant connection with what’s going on.

This sentence: He dispatched a swift mental cry for help to her.
Just a little awkward.
Could be: ...cry to her for help.
Another little awkward one: “another fleeting supernormal ability in the form of clairvoyance” I like the way it works in a humorous way with next paragraph about the light, but stated simply it would have more impact. Even “another fleeting supernormal moment”
**To avoid redundancy and clutter: use clairvoyant or supernormal; either/or would work better here.
Page 2:
Good imagery: keep pace with a hummingbird’s

By page 3, you are in your stride…
Page 4, 5 – breathtaking ending!
I love this! Work a little more on awkward sentence structures at the beginning, but otherwise, I like it! Keep moving along. I saw that some other reviewers had a disconnect with the first chapter. I think it would depend on where you’re heading. At this point, are you not introducing us to the characters, situations, etc? I would say, it depends on where your going… If you tie this together well in a subsequent chapter or scene, its not a problem.
I am moving on to the next… Part III.

TerJa avatar Random Review

September 04, 2009

TerJa Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
TerJa reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Well, a bit more information, but I’m still in the dark as to just what is going on.  Oh, I can see that the old mad is in trouble, I just don’t know why.

You have a good command of the language, though at times it gets a little away from you.  For example (since I can see it without scrolling)   ”- – - his partner’s SURREAL stopping power.”  Now I know what you mean, but surreal is a odd word choice.  Superb, stunning, or lethal would all say the same thing and say it clearer.

I am being picky, What you are writing is interesting, I will read more.

jonny2469 avatar General Stranger

September 02, 2009

jonny2469

REVIEW QUALITY: 0.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
jonny2469 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

‘He dispatched a swift mental cry for help to her.’ awkward. try: to her for help. the way you have it worded sounds like he’s mentally cry for help for/to her.

‘fleeting supernormal ability’  = doubt = normal. sometimes I think: my car won’t start, and then it doesn’t. I don’t know, maybe a more spectacular example of clairvoyance would be better. not like: he knew, before looking, his shoelace was untied.

the floor ‘issued’ a sound? i’m all about original verbs, but….

‘Oscar’s heart thumped so forcefully that he was sure he could hear it battering the pane behind him.’ just a thought here: when you’re in a struggle or a fight in the dark with an unknown silent assailant, you’re not paying attention to your heartbeat. I know, I’ve been involved in a few of these.

careful with the word seems. it’s easily overused and often it seems/is unnecessary. did his mouth seem to go dry? or did it go dry?

‘hidden in the shade of the interior’ could simply be hidden in shadow.

hmmm. are there different degrees of how fast you can fall? that detail jumped out. or was he moving quickly enough that when he fell he slid. I don’t know if these things matter or not, to be truthful. I mean i don’t think that because I think it’s weird or doesn’t fit …well, that doesn’t matter. I guess it all comes back to what you’ve read and done in your life and how you relate that to literature. To me (emphasis on me) this scene doesn’t seem realistic or authentic. what your character notices, how things are described, the content, etc. He’s just been under attack in his own place and he’s noticing a stray footprint somewhere. Now THAT seems supernormal, but maybe that’s what the whole story is about. Anyway, I’ll see you in the funny papers! Adios!

dcyuelling avatar General Stranger

September 02, 2009

dcyuelling Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Hmmm….getting more interesting. I wonder what this woman is going to do to him. I’m still trying to figure out what kind of abilities or medical condition he has. I like the reaction of the boy and his dog. How original is that…I meant that in a good way. Don’t you just love kids.

Great second part. Can’t wait to read more.

FrakKevin avatar General Stranger

September 01, 2009

FrakKevin

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I like this but it annoys me how I can connect this to the first chapter, but that’s the point of a mystery. This really brought the thriller…you almost made something like this believable and his powers werent done in a corny way. It wasnt over the top.

OresteseViera avatar Random Review

August 31, 2009

OresteseViera

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
OresteseViera reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I read your first chapter, and it doesn’t connect with the second chapter. Other than the fact your work is well written, engaging, it doesn’t connect which throws me out the window. I want to connect with this, but I don’t see a storyline other than supernatural abilities and foreign countries. I know some french, but I think quien es is spanish? Am I right? I like to see some connection here.
Oh, your last page on reviewing is font jargon, FYI.
Other than that, well written. I liked it, but you really need to connect the incidents.

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Hypernormal

Age: 39
Loc: Russia
Gen: M
Last Login: November 23
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