This is one part of a story that I have been working on for a while, there are three main characters, all best friends, and each section is from a different perspective. I will upload the next section, and just keep working like that :)
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Young Adult / Audra (Analysis)
She sat near the back of the classroom, vaguely aware of what the teacher was lecturing about. Today her medium was ink. She quietly stared at the red head sitting a few desks away, sketching the way the light hit her curls and how she nervously bit her finger nails while the teacher probed unprepared students for answers.
“Audra, can you hear me?” Caught in the act, Audra blushed slightly as the red head met her gaze. “Can you please explain why the Confederates thought that separating from the Union was a good idea?” Biting the end of her pen Audra stopped drawing for a moment to think for an answer. The teacher turned his head toward the rest of the classroom assuming that Audra wasn’t listening and didn’t know the correct response.
“Can anyone help Audra out since she doesn’t think paying attention in class is a good idea?”
“I do have an answer,” she stated, ready to defend herself from her teacher who was more interested in history than the present.
“Go ahead then, Audra, enlighten me with your knowledge.”
“Before the Civil War, there was the American Revolution. In the Revolution, America separated from Great Britain in an attempt to be free from their control over America, and the Americans were successful in doing so. And because of previous experiences, the Confederates probably assumed that they had separated from Britain successfully, why couldn’t they separate from the Union successfully? They just assumed that it would be the same thing.” Audra scooted down in her seat trying to hide from her classmates eyes.
“Ok, that was a very insightful answer. Joshua, can you please tell me why the Confederates were unsuccessful in keeping slavery in the States?” Audra picked her pen back up and begun to sketch the red head again. Slowly drawing the curve of the red head’s lips as she put lip balm on.
“You know, some people don’t like it when you draw them without their permission,” a voice said from behind her. Audra turned around in her desk to face Zach, her mistake from the summer.
“You know, some people don’t always want you to be so intrusive, peaking over their shoulders without their permission.” Audra turned back around trying to ignore him.
“Such a lonely, depressed, little artistic girl. Why don’t you take a ride home with me today, and I’ll give you an even better ride in the backseat? It’ll cheer you up a bit.” Zach whispered his words in a failed attempt to seduce Audra. With only the thought of completely ignoring him for the remainder of class, Audra focused on the red head once again. Audra’s pen glided atop the paper, effortlessly drawing the tone and definition in her shoulder and upper arm. An exact replica of the way the red head leaned onto her desk.
“If I didn’t know any better,” Zach began to say as he grabbed Audra’s sketchbook from her hands, “I’d think you’d rather have a run with Linda.”
“Give that back, Zach,” Audra demanded reaching out for her sketchbook.
“And Amy, and Brooke, and Susan, and Jessica,” he claimed recklessly flipping through the pages, causing one of the pages to fall onto the floor, drifting a few feet away. Linda and a few other classmates had grown steadily more interested as the commotion between Zach and Audra grew louder. Linda bent over to reach the fallen page, gasping when she recognized it was her own face she was staring at. Audra noticed that Linda had turned a bright red after realizing she had been Audra’s latest sketch.
“God dammit, Zach, why are you such an asshole?” Audra said louder than she had meant to.
“Miss Johnson and Mr Brown, will you two please step outside and stop disrupting my classroom? I’ll be right behind you in a moment.” The classroom quietly murmured and taunted as both Zach and Audra got up and started to walk out the door. God, only ten minutes remaining and I’m going to get yelled at for something I didn’t start. Before exiting the classroom Audra made sure she grabbed her sketchbook; leaving behind her life savings would have been a safer thought.
“He’s probably going to suspend you for swearing in class.” Zach smirked as he walked off to one side of the hallway.
“And you are probably going to be expelled for being an all-around screw up. Why do you insist on terrorizing me?” Before Zach could respond with another smart remark, their teacher walked into the hallway.
“Zach, I have told you time and time again, that if you cannot behave in my classroom, I’ll send you to detention every day for the rest of the year. Is that something you want? I’m sure you would rather stay here and receive a passing grade. Don’t you need a “C” in this class in order to receive that scholarship you’ve been granted for next year?”
“Mr Weaver, I wasn’t trying to act up again? I was just, um, asking for Audra’s help?”
“Is that true Audra?” Looking at Zach’s pathetic face turned Audra’s stomach, pleading for her help when all she wanted was to be left alone. Anyone else in the classroom could tell that she was in no way trying to help Zach out.
“Yeah, I was telling him what page we were on.” Audra looked down at her shoes, dirty and scuffed, the exact worn in look she adored for all of her Converses.
“Very well then, Zach, back to class. Audra, a moment.” Zach smiled and walked back into the classroom. “Audra, why are you lying to me? We are having a discussion today and you know it. I told all of you to leave your books at home today.”
“I forgot?”
“What are you holding? Is that book of yours what caused all of the ruckus?” Audra handed over her sketchbook; more than a little embarrassed by what the teacher might say or what he was going to think of her for the rest of the year. He turned a few pages carefully, examining her artwork – only raising his eyebrows slightly at the sight of one of her friends tanning topless by the pool. “You have a real talent. Intelligent and artistic, you have some fine parents that are raising you.”
“Thanks, I guess.” Most people assumed that someone who was doing the right thing was growing up in a home with good role models. No one ever asked who taught Audra to draw or where she did her homework at night.
“Are you in any art classes this semester?”
“No, I didn’t have room in my schedule.”
“That’s a shame. You would have made Mrs Long proud.” Right as Mr Weaver handed back her sketchbook the bell rang and students rushed through the door making way for the cafeteria. “I would suggest that you keep your grounds and try not to interact with bad seeds such as Zach, but then I would be seen as a biased teacher.” Mr Weaver sighed heavily and opened the door for Audra to enter the classroom. Audra walked back inside and stuffed her things into her backpack and left in a hurry.
“Audra, wait a minute.” A hand touched Audra’s shoulder slightly. It was Linda, holding Audra’s sketch of her. Audra looked up into Linda’s light green eyes, terrified at what she was going to say. “This is really good. Can I keep it?” Audra’s heart rapidly fluttered inside her chest.
“It’s not finished, but if you want it, you can have it.”
“Thank you, Audra, I really like it. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Linda smiled as she walked away holding the drawing delicately. After looking at it for a moment longer, she placed it safely into her binder. Audra watched Linda walk away, her hips moving slightly from side to side, not in the normal teenage girl fashion of thrusting side to side in order to get noticed, a subtle swaying motion, that flattered her hips with every step. Audra bit her lip as she watched. In a perfect world I wouldn’t be afraid to ask you what you were doing this weekend. I wouldn’t be afraid of what other people thought of me, and I wouldn’t be afraid of what you might say to me after I admitted how I felt.
Audra cleared her mind, thoughts like those were to remain hidden.
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JHarvey reviewed Version 1 -
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finger nails (fingernails)
red head (redhead)
Converses (I think this should just be Converse)
This is really well written. The opening (w/Audra drawing her classmate) creates a great visual for the reader.
The dialogue is very real as well, especially between Audra and Zach.
The reader gets a good sense of Audra’s personality from this piece. The ending also does a great job in encouraging the reader to keep going and learn what happens to Audra next.
I think the passage where Audra is answering the teacher’s question about the American Revolution can be shortened a little. It seems like a little bit of an info dump and I think it can be tightened up just a bit.
Overall, really good job. The reader definitely gets a sense of Audra’s world and the internal and external conflicts she is dealing with.
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Megan_Solari reviewed Version 1 -
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I was about to ask why 90% of all young adult novels are set in school, then I realized I haven’t done anything but school for the last month, so it makes sense!
I really like your main character’s name – Audra – it’s unique without being pretentiously odd and it really feels like something someone would be named. She’s also a unique character full of little things that a lot of teenagers are afraid to be. Or at least admit being.
There weren’t any typos or grammatical errors that I could see. This piece was very nice: polished and a smooth read. Very good!
Do you have the rest of this posted up on Urbis? I’d like to read more.
waywardreiko reviewed Version 1 -
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well only one spelling error stood, I believe ruckus is spelled raucous, but besides that grammar and punctuation was impeccable. You grabbed my attention early and I found myself tense, anxious to know how it will end. The message coming across is subtle yet all to clear, contrasted only by whom ia reading it. This is a wonderful take of the pressure and tension and stress that fills the lives of those who feel they need to say/dp something, but are afraid of the social repercussions. With that said I commend you for coming up with such a moving piece of work, I would almost suspect you drew on personal experience to inspire such profound creativity. I hope you never stop writing, even if you do not become widely successful, it is what you are, that much is obvious.
marisabalderaz1 reviewed Version 1 -
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WOW!!!! Poor Audra, if we only lived in a perfect world, to admit how we feel even towards the same sex. Put in regard, I also think you make your own perfect world.
Good job, keep up the good work.
Lillie_M reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this, I enjoyed reading a YA piece without the cliched cheerleader loves jock love story. You are taking a subject that isn’t often covered in this genre but is still very relevent at this time.
I thought your characters all had a bit of depth and you write them well. I particularly enjoyed the conversation between Audra and Linda at the end.
This would make a good first chapter, you’ve definitely got the base there for a longer piece.
well done.
chasscot reviewed Version 1 -
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The first thing that may cause issues is the rapid shift of POV. It starts with Audra, but then it jumps to the teacher (we learn of his assumption about her). Your first line of dialogue from the teacher shows us what he assumes, so I would drop the description of his thoughts and keep the POV on Audra.
That goes for the bit about what the teacher is more interested in. If you want to put that bit in there, have it from Audra’s point of view. ”Audra didn’t care for the teacher’s casual dismissal of her ungiven answer, as she figured he cared more about the past then the present.”
Not sure about the lip balm… is Audra drawing lip balm or drawing the girl putting on lip balm? Or is Audra putting on lip balm while drawing the redhead?
Try to put the modifier (adjective, adverb, prepositional phrase, etc…) as close to the thing being modified as possible. You might have done so, “lips – lip balm” but it isn’t clear.
“The redhead applied lip balm as Audra slowly drew her curvaceous lips.”
Not sure of the line “With only the thought of completely ignoring him for the rest of the class…” I mean it draws attention to the fact that if you choose to ignore someone, you can’t, because that requires you to think about the person you’re ignoring – and that isn’t ignoring them. I would like to see this line broken up, reworded, and a bit more user friendly. If you merely mean that she ignored him the rest of the class, then just come right out and say that.
Not sure about the remark on life savings. I doubt a middle or high school girl (not sure how old Audra is at this point) would have much for life savings (unless this is something coming up in your story – her massive bequeathment), so you may want to look for a more age appropriate comparison to show her investment in her artwork.
Also, not sure “safer thought” works. Is the thought of leaving something behind dangerous, or the doing of it? You can drop thought and retain the meaning of the sentence.
“And you are probably going to be…” is a little clumsy, and not reflective of actual speech. ”And you’ll probably be…” is a little more realistic.
In “Mr Weaver” you need a period after Mr. Change the question marks to periods in the rest of this paragraph.
“In no way” and “help … out” are cliched. Just use “not” and “help”.
“The others in the classroom could tell she was not trying to help Zach.”
Of course, this shifts the POV to the other children, so you may want to consider putting this in her POV. ”Surely,” she thought, “the rest of the class knew she wasn’t trying to help Zach.”
after a moment, use … it is a hanging imperative.
Contract “We are” to “We’re”.
Drop the question mark after “I forgot?” I know what inflection you are representing here, but it looks awkward. Try, “I forgot…”
Drop “book of yours”. Italicize “that”.
In “all of the ruckus” drop “the”.
I think with Audra’s propriatary regard for her sketchbook, she wouldn’t hand it over without being asked.
“might say or think” does the same job as your longer version. ”for the rest of the year” can be dropped as well.
“you have some fine parents that are raising you” is both clumsy and unnecessary. I would clip it. ”You have real talent- this artwork is exquisite and intelligently rendered.” Or something like that – try to imagine your teacher looking at the art, flipping through the pages, and then commenting without looking up at her, entranced by the drawings.
The stuff about “Most people assumed” takes us back to that slippery omniscient third person voice again. It is also a bit strange. Colloquially, we use the word “people” inappropriately. People refers to a collection of persons with a common rubric. ”The People of China”. A populace. ”Many American people…” – never “most people”. Unless this is her thought, in which case it should be identified as such. I think you can drop the entire line and go right to the point – whatever the point is. If this is setting up some future reference to her home life, then keep it. I would think a better line might be something like “Nobody taught Audra how to draw. She attended no art classes beyond the button-gluing drivel of grammar school. She taught herself this skill out of necessity, to escape the (home problem).”
Now I don’t know if that is where you story is taking me (I review as I read, because I guarantee you that an editor does the same). But I am confident you can fill whatever you want into this sort of structure and provide a more solid section here. This is where you want to impact her character development; the moment her “big secret” is revealed to someone with authority over her.
Don’t forget punctuation after Mr. and Mrs.
“The bell rang as Mr. Weaver handed her back the sketchbook…”
Not sure what “keep your grounds” means. Stand your ground? Lots of filler words in this sentence. ”I suggest you stand your ground and avoid bad seeds like Zach, but that reveals my bias.”
“Audra walked inside…” You don’t need “back” as that is obvious.
“Audra bit her lip, keeping her dangerous thoughts to herself.”
Well I am going out on a limb here… this is a teenage lesbian exploration piece, right? I think with some spit and polish, you can get this published. There are several magazines that print this material. The only thing at this point which concerns me is that it lacks poignency, or at least irony. It needs a little something added- just a pinch of whatever that is. I would reflect on this story a little bit, and try to discover what it is that it needs. Maybe after the reveal at the end, have Audra contemplate telling Linda how she feels tomorrow, deciding against it, and then have Linda turn in such a way before she leaves the room, and look at Audra- resetting her confusion?
I’m not anywhere close to being a teenage lesbian, but I think I recall the angst and confusion of the teenage heart well enough to reflect on how dramatically horrifying such a turn of the head and glance would be.
It is your story, and it is a good one. Handle it as you wish, and best of luck to you.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Uh OH Audra has a crush. I liked this…you captured the emotions well. Like even I was annoyed by Zach. All the reactions fit. I wish I had more to say, but I didnt really find anything negative to say. Even though I teased about a crush…I’m not clear if she wants a friend or a girlfriend, but I;ll read more to find out.
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