KindredSpirit reviewed Version 2 -
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Since you’re new to screenwriting, your script (unless you direct) is called a spec script. Never mention camera angles in a spec, that’s director’s job. You want to sell your script so give us an emotional journey through a tight story with good visualization of characters, their feelings and motivations.
Slug lines – Day or Night only. In the action line that follows you can refer to what time of day it is if you feel it’s necessary. This is in every screenwriting book out there.
Nice visual, “black booted foot,” without having to say CLOSE-UP – Good! Because you’ve “suggested” a camera angle AND kept the pace for your reader.
You wouldn’t write, “The scene changes… SHOT;“ don’t mention camera. Keep away from technical stuff, only describe your scene, what is seen and heard as if happening now:
“LIAM BALLANTINE (early 30s) peers over a vast… vegetation. Enormous… building.”
Why is COVERED capitalized?
Are the skyscrapers in the process of crumbling or are they ruins since they’re now overgrown in vegetation. We need to see what you see clearly.
Maybe suggest Liam’s emotion – pensive? Tears in his eyes? – as he looks over landscape.
Tighten – “The window… below” not needed unless we specifically need to know something about those buildings, and that we’re too high to hear traffic.
Avoid the inactive -ing, sitting, etc. – AARON CANNING (45) sits across… Use active verbs.
“Aaron… COMPOSED” – not really needed since we’re in an Executive Office, leave it to wardrobe.
In first introduction, try to include a tiny description about character to help us visualize, i.e. for Alison – quirky in a cute way.
Conversation – if Alison interrupts Aaron, use a double dash—. If he trails off in thought for a second… like… this…, use ellipsis.
Nice start! You’ve created a good amount of curiosity as to how these first two scenes are going to relate. That’s the main thing, hook your reader. Also, screenplays aren’t published, they’re sold.
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