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Screenplay / EDEN Page Two

EDEN                     EPISODE ONE                     “Sowing Seeds”           2

 

AARON
Sorry.

 

ALISON
Apology accepted. I have my
reasons for turning this down,
you know.

AARON
Is there something you know about
this that I don't?


ALISON
No, but I do know something you're
not sharing.

Alison attempts to keep talking, but Aaron FORCES his way back into the conversation, his strong voice DROWNING HERS OUT for a moment.

AARON
Something I'm not sharing? Something
you think is not included in the
documents I gave you? Alison, you know
me. We've done business together
before. What good would lying do for
my sales?

Alison PAUSES and searches his face for a moment. She SIGHS through her nose.

ALISON
You're on your last dime, Aaron. Your
father's money was the last of what you
had to spend and it's gone. What is
it that's so important to you, that
you're approaching every major CEO in
the area to sell... sell this!

Alison PICKS UP her own stack of manila envelopes. They are all open. She THROWS them down on the top her desk. A label reads PHARMACEUTICAL OPERATION.

 

 

 

 

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Matthewtuckey avatar General Stranger

November 14, 2009

Matthewtuckey

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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Okay. First, you’re a pretty good writer and your dialogue is good.

Page 1 didn’t appear in my review queue, so I couldn’t review it. Same will happen for a lot of reviewers. To combat this, I’d put up more than just one page. Put a whole scene up.

After the first scene, you’d have to put recaps in the notes. You might not manage to get reviewers who’ll read the whole thing.

oknapp avatar General Stranger

September 07, 2009

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

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oknapp reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

She SIGHS through her nose.
I would just say she sighs….The nose part is rather glaring.

I’ll be candid Aaron: I have done some checking. One can never be too careful or trusting in a business like this.  My sorces say you’re living off your last dime…....

Here is an intriduction that might help get the conversation going. Of course one can assume that she has done or had some checking done.(e.g envelopes) But it is always a bold move to let the audience in on what is coming. You may use it or keep it as it is. I think it would be effective. I like that you have spent time on getting just the right words and phrasing. You have caught the interest of the reader with the envelopes. Now keep on going and keep me posted. Sandi

Mevidlan avatar General Stranger

September 07, 2009

Mevidlan

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Mevidlan reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

keep up the good work. you don’t really need to emphasize with all caps. it gets kinda annoying

kwdontez avatar General Stranger

September 05, 2009

kwdontez

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kwdontez reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Waiting to read more to find out what is going on. Have you ever thought of doing a brief description or synopsis for Eden in the notes for the reader? This would give us an idea about what we are reading.

oknapp avatar General Stranger

September 04, 2009

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
oknapp reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I think this sounds amazing. I like that you start it out so boldly and that you leave the readers pondering its mystery. Aka the envelopes, and what Allison knows) But You have confused the reader somewhat. On one hand, Allison wonders what he is up too.(  Whatever you’re up to Aaron, I’d stop.) But on the otherhand she has a stack of envelopes which means she knows quite alot about him. I suppose she means she has caught him doing something else crooked and it might link with the mysterious project, right?
Well, you have me wondering so you have done your job. I could critique more if i had more text. I like the mystery, i think it is well-written. it evokes the reader to want more. Keep me posted. Sandi

deathspeaker avatar General Stranger

September 04, 2009

deathspeaker

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
deathspeaker reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Word dump! I hate dialogues that are not actually dialogues, but 1 person just going on and on.

I’m curious as to why you are posting them one at a time.

I believe that you can drop the last names from main characters. Use them on supporting cast if the character shares a name with someone else though.

Her long speech is too set up, too calculated. Break it up a bit by letting him have responses. This will let us get more attatched to the situation.

Showing 1 - 6 of 6

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Megan_Solari avatar

Megan_Solari

Age: 20
Loc: Tempe, AZ
Gen: F
Last Login: November 23
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