Please don’t take offense, but I don’t think you get the story or the ending at all. I am not directing this at you personally, but I don’t understand why people review works that they don’t get. Is it just an easy way to get points? How could their comments possibly help the writer? For the sake of other writers, please please please click skip the next time you encounter a work that you don’t get. Thank you. (In case you are wondering, I will not ask for a refund, but other writers may not be so kind.)
Short Story / The Game
Elise sank down into her black leather executive swivel chair with a 20-ounce bottle of diet cream soda. She moved her wireless optical mouse to reveal her desktop wallpaper: a lone faerie, seated on a column, black skirt spread around her, with skeletonized wings like white veins against the overcast sky. Elise followed the faerie’s downward gaze to the icon labeled “Dreamscape” on the lower left of the desktop and double-clicked it. The screen flashed once and went black. The steady drum beat that emerged was soon joined by a trumpet melody. A pair of eyelids formed from the darkness, along with the words “Dreamscape: Where will your dreams take you?” The eyes opened, as purple lightning cracked across each pupil, and held Elise’s gaze for a few moments. The eyes closed again and faded back into the darkness.
The login screen loaded, and Elise entered her username and password. The character screen was the next to load. Elise had only made one character so far, Sapphyra. Located beside the elegantly coiffed winged avatar was a list of Sapphyra’s stats:
Name: Sapphyra ~ Race: Sprite ~ Gender: Female ~ Job: Magician ~ Level: 10
Elise clicked on the oval “Enter World” button located below the character stats. The screen went dark again as the loading symbol of a blinking eye appeared in the lower right of the screen. The eye blinked a few times, and Sapphyra appeared in front of a gilded fountain. The message window on the bottom of the screen automatically displayed the following lines:
Welcome back, Sapphyra!
Current Area: Alcyone
With a flutter of her incandescent wings, Sapphyra glided over to a proudly armored guard standing by the fountain. Elise clicked on the guard, who turned to Sapphyra.
Gunnar, City Guard: Welcome to Alcyone, City of Dreams!
Gunnar, City Guard: Well, magician, it seems that you have proven your worth
by ridding our forest of mice, rabbits, and other such
vermin. You have exceeded my expectations, but the true
test of your strength is yet to come.
Gunnar, City Guard: The mighty metropolis of Hyperion is currently beset by
frequent attacks from nightmarish demons. Your next task
is to travel to Hyperion and provide whatever aid you can
to our brethren.
Gunnar, City Guard: The path to Hyperion will begin at the Somniarium, a
castle on a tall hill at the western edge of Alcyone. Once
you reach Hyperion, report to the guards there for further
instructions. The journey will be treacherous. Morpheus
protect you.
Sapphyra arrived at the Somniarium with relative ease. It was an imposing stone edifice resplendent with ornate gargoyles. She opened the heavy wooden doors, and found the castle inhabited by tiny bats glowing with light blue auras. Those were easy to kill, as she swiftly bludgeoned them with her wooden staff and roasted them with fire spells. When the last bat succumbed to her magic, the battle music, laden with fast staccato beats, died down. She ventured deeper into the castle until she reached a giant mirror. Standing next to the mirror was a figure dressed in a patchwork suit of various bright colors. From his red, blue, and green jester’s hat hung several gold bells that chimed as he spoke.
Harl Equin, Royal Jester: Behind this mirror you will find
Reflected shadows from your mind.
These nightmares poison Dreamscape’s world
As demons’ plots become unfurled
There is one way to set us free:
Embrace this world’s reality.
Let every color flood your mind
And strength to conquer you will find.
The jester jingled a nod in Sapphyra’s direction and vanished. Hesitantly, she stepped forward towards the mirror, whose surface had begun to ripple. Sapphyra closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and stepped through the mirror.
Current Area: The Parchlands
When she opened her eyes, she found herself in a desert. Neon yellow sand undulated beneath her feet in calm waves as bright green clouds inched slowly across a lavender sky. At the sunlit horizon, the boundary between sky and sand blurred and shimmered. Paper clips with adhesive signature flag wings flew by. In the sand lay a black object resembling a giant stapler with its jaw unhinged and body twisted. Hanging from its open mouth was a straight pair of thin metal fangs. Abruptly, a message flashed across the screen:
2pm…Time for work!
“Hey Elise, we need forty sandwiches made, half of them on white, the other half wheat, half of them turkey and the other half ham,” Vince said as he set a large pan of sliced deli meat on the metal prep table. “So how was your weekend? Go anywhere fun?”
“Not really. I’ve just been sitting at home playing this game,” Elise replied. “It’s called Dreamscape.”
Vince shrugged. “Never heard of it.”
“Oh. It’s an MMORPG.”
“Is that the kind where you play with other people online?”
“Yeah. The graphics are amazing.”
“Cool. I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing. You know what? I’m gonna call you Gamer from now on,” Vince said, as he flashed a smile.
Bread, lettuce, tomato, meat, cheese, bread, and repeat. As Elise made the turkey-on-wheat sandwiches, she mentally transformed the red tiled floor into waves of sand. Upon examining her work, she noticed that the completed sandwiches glowed with a faint blue light. As she slowly drew a knife from the knife rack, battle music began to hum in her ears. She smote each sandwich with a clean, diagonal cut; the halves fell away from each other, writhed for a moment, and then became lifeless.
Welcome back, Sapphyra!
Current Area: The Parchlands
Sapphyra reappeared on the neon yellow sand and continued traveling northward toward Hyperion. As she rounded a dune, she stumbled into a stapler with a menacing red aura. Before she could turn to fly away, she was knocked to the ground.
Elise stared dejectedly at Sapphyra’s body, which was laying face-down in the sand with legs spread apart, wings limp, and buttocks in the air. She took a swig of her cream soda and considered her options. Should she wait for someone to rescue her, or should she simply return to her last saved location? As she was about to return, a shadow passed across Sapphyra’s body. The screen burst into a flash of white light.
Geraint uses a revival potion on Sapphyra!
Sapphyra’s body arose from the ground and shimmered with white sparkles.
Sapphyra: thx so much!
Geraint: yw
Sapphyra: i hate dying…ever notice how you always die in the most humiliating positions?
Geraint: lol yeah. so where you going?
Sapphyra: i’m trying to get to hyperion
Geraint: need some help? i can run you there
Sapphyra: sure… if you don’t mind
Geraint: it’s no prob, i’ve got nothing better to do
Sapphyra: awesome
The two figures ambled through the waves of neon yellow sand, Geraint in his silver armor, and Sapphyra in her whispery blue gown.
Geraint: i know a shortcut. over here
They stepped into a hole in the sand and fell down a narrow tunnel.
Current Area: The Glimmering Forest
Surrounded in darkness, they landed on a giant emerald green leaf, which bent precariously under their weight. Sapphyra almost lost her footing, but Geraint caught her by the waist. Together they descended a staircase of smaller leaves, which led to a glowing forest. The cool air, heavy with mist, dampened their faces as they walked under the leaf-shingled canopy. Tiny humming white orbs of light floated by them, as crickets chirped in rhythm to their footsteps.
Sapphyra let out a small yawn. “How much longer is it to Hyperion?”
“Not much longer. Just through this forest. You getting sleepy?”
“Yeah. It’s almost 2 am.”
“It’s 11:50 pm over here.”
“What’s that? Pacific time?”
“Yeah, I’m in Cali.”
From behind a boulder an oversized scorpion crept into view. Its shell was a dull coppery brown, and a thick liquid dripped from its mandible.
“Stand back!” Geraint shouted to Sapphyra as he raised his shield and drew his sword. He charged at the scorpion and sank his blade deep into its abdomen. His victim reeled in agony and thrashed its tail. Raising her staff, Sapphyra summoned a ball of lightning that she threw at the arachnid’s stinger. Wind, ice, fire, light, and darkness; she cast various elemental spells in quick succession while Geraint continued to wield his sword. The wounded scorpion let out a piercing scream and sank to the ground.
“Whew, that was close! I was down to ten percent life,” Sapphyra remarked as the battle music faded into the crickets’ monotonic song.
“That’s why I wanted you to stand back. ’Cause I have stronger armor.” He looked at Sapphyra and softened the tone of his voice. “I’m glad you made it. Let’s get out of this forest.”
After traveling a short distance from the boulder, they reached an ornately wrought iron gate. Geraint unhooked the latch, and the forest faded into darkness.
Current Area: Hyperion
From the road that stretched towards the city square, they could hear the din of an excited throng. Fireworks danced across the night sky.
Sapphyra looked up at Geraint’s dark eyes. “I wonder what’s going on.”
“Looks like an event.”
“Event?”
“Yeah. It’s when the city gives out special items and quests, and it usually lasts for about a week. We’ll check it out. But first, you should speak to the guards to complete your quest.”
At the main gate to the city Sapphyra saluted a grim-faced guard. “Thank you, magician, for coming to our aid,” he said. “On behalf of the grand city of Hyperion, I welcome you. The Star Festival has begun. Go forth and enjoy the festivities. I shall call on your services another day.”
“Come. I know the best place to watch the fireworks,” Geraint said as he led Sapphyra through labyrinthine alleys and up narrow staircases. They stopped at a rooftop overlooking the city square. Below them, dancers in flowing robes graced the city’s fountain.
He sat her down on a crate. “Stay here,” he said. “I’ll be right back.”
In the sky burst bright orange flowers, swarms of yellow bees, and shimmering white stars. A soft clang of armor alerted Sapphyra to Geraint’s return.
“I got this for you,” he said as he pressed a purple bloom into her hands. “It’s called Porphyria’s Rose. The merchant said that it’s a rare flower from beyond the world of dreams.” He sat down on the crate beside her. She placed her head softly upon his shoulder, and they watched the sky until the fireworks faded into the horizon.
Sapphyra yawned. “You know, this has been nice but I really have to get some sleep. I worked last night and I have history class in the morning.”
“History? Sounds boring.”
“Yes, it’s a terrible class. I hate the professor.”
Geraint chuckled. “All right then. It’s getting late for me too. You’ll be back on later?”
“Yeah, I’ll see you.”
“Today we will be looking at chapter twenty-three: British imperialism in India.” As she spoke, Professor Schoolmarm frequently closed her eyes in rapturous adoration of her own lecture material. Intermittently, she would turn to write her favorite concepts on the blackboard in flowery cursive. The two-paneled board became a panoramic night sky, and the chalk marks exploded into bright flowers and buzzing bees. The smoky scent of fireworks mingled with Professor Schoolmarm’s words. The East India Company was established by British merchants…who sold a rare flower that was pressed into the hand of a magician who…caste…spells…that defeated the nationalist movement fueled by local Indian…red scorpions and brown long-eared bats. The yellowing painted cinderblock walls and the mottled brown carpet grew darker and more intense, and began to drown out the professor’s voice. On the shiny metal bars of the narrow chair desk frame glinted the silver of his armor. The hum of the projector echoed his words, and the air vent mimicked his breath until it seemed that his presence had manifested within the room.
In her apartment a mere two blocks from Hyperion’s city square, Sapphyra slowly sat up in bed. She felt like she had been asleep for days. Her staff, dusty from disuse, leaned against the wall by the door. She checked her mailbox; Geraint had not sent her a message in almost a week. She stood in front of her Weavers Guild armoire and got dressed slowly. She donned a deep purple cape that would help her dodge physical attacks and adorned her auburn locks with a hairpin that would boost her spellcasting ability. She then placed several gemstone rings - one for each type of elemental magic - on her fingers. Revival earrings completed the ensemble. She glanced at her trophy shelf, which housed several medals from the Crown Prince of Hyperion. She had fought valiantly against the invading demons, yet there were still many more to defeat.
Sapphyra left her apartment building and crossed the town square. As she turned into Market Lane, she heard someone call her name. She turned toward the voice, and spotted a brown-haired human in a dark gray robe.
“Laurencia! How are you?”
“Good,” the human replied as she walked toward Sapphyra. “I haven’t seen you in days.”
“Yeah, I’ve been busy.” Sapphyra paused for a moment, then began speaking again. “Hey, have you seen Geraint around?”
“No, sorry. I’m actually surprised to see you without him. In all the months I’ve known you guys, I have always seen you do everything together.”
“Yeah. Well, he decided to make a character on a PvP server.”
“Player versus player? What’s the fun in fighting against other people?”
“I don’t know. He thought it was a great idea, and I couldn’t change his mind.” Sapphyra looked down at the cobblestone street. “I mean, I knew he was seriously thinking of leaving, but I thought he would say goodbye before he actually left.”
“Aww. I guess that means we’ll have to do something together. How about the quest to fight Astaroth now that you’re level forty-four?”
“Yeah, but we would have to find more people to come along.”
“Just let me worry about that,” Laurencia said as she smiled sweetly. “I’ve got to go catch the ship to Taranis. See ya!”
Sapphyra waved goodbye and continued down Market Lane. A merchant standing behind a wheelbarrow, whom she had never noticed before, sparked her curiosity. She approached him, and he addressed her with a practiced pitch.
“Rare flowers! Rare flowers! Rare flowers from beyond the world of dreams!”
She looked at his merchandise and suddenly began to feel sick. Incredulous, she had to click on him once more.
Clay, flower merchant: Rare flowers! Rare flowers! Rare flowers from beyond
the world of dreams!
A window popped up displaying the items from his store:
Darling Buds of May - 30 coins
Garland, Bracelets, and Fragrant Zone - 20 coins
Roses Damasked, Red and White - 15 coins
Porphyria’s Rose - 5 coins
Elise stared at the last item on the list, allowing the white letters to burn into her eyes, as if she were trying to see beyond the words themselves.
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Tola reviewed Version 2 -
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First of all, good idea. I like the switching between the two ‘worlds’ and the idea of the game moving from the computer into the real world. Clever.
There are a few things that I thought weren’t so hot in your writing. Specifying someone’s cup size (double D) is not appealling to female readers and sounds cheap. You should find a more subtle way of letting the reader know the protagonist is a sexy woman with a good chest if that is at all necessary to the plot which it probably isn’t. The protagonist could in fact be very plain and flat chested which would make her online persona that much more interesting.
I would also like to have had more of a balance between the two worlds. I would like to have had more information on her real life and slightly less of the game-life but that might be different for other readers.
Like I said, good idea, well developed but I think the writing could be slightly more honed and subtle.
Keep it up, you’ve got an interesting mind.
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Tazinko reviewed Version 2 -
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Okay I am one of the ones feeling that this was hard to comprehend because you jump between the real world and the game world so much and make the game world seem real which I imagine is your purpose but it makes it hard to read for me. I also don’t have much experience because I’m a gamer but MMORPG’s I cannot get into so the personal connection is tough.
But here’s what I gather, that this other world is a dream world where Elise can be the hero, and the popular or beautiful one. And with that in mind I do see the conclusion to the story that you said others have missed.
What I do like is the imagery you use and that you use in game dialouge as it appears in game.
Stupid_Guru reviewed Version 2 -
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I loved your story, I was kinda confused at the begining but slowly i managed to figure out hat was happening, My only downside tothe story was that, that it became a little confusing at first, I had no clue what to make heads or tails of. such as when Elise started , I think what was meant to becoming involved with the game in a daily life routine. the ending is sortof hazy, I have not yet figured it out. But nice job, you have created a piece which makes the reader continue reading without stopping for breaks in the story, it flows nicely. again well done. I enjoyed every word.
GeorgiaPoetry reviewed Version 2 -
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Well now, this was interesting. I think it is very different how you make it so that the characters in the game are acutally living a life. It was a little confusing at first that the game characters were talking but it seemed as though the book subjects were. Does that make sense?
The ending: I have no clue. It ended so abruptly. It really doesn’t make sense that Geriant just disappered and the “rare flower” he had given her is being sold for 2 coins…the cheapest of the rare flowers. I’m completely lost. Was it meant to cheapen their friendship?
Otherwise I enjoyed the story.
Deadsage reviewed Version 2 -
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the opening is a little slow, seems focused ont he details of opening a desktop application a bit too much. Most readers will be able to relate, but this is also mundane.
”...barely able to contain her double D cups” -this is how you know software guys/designers/game makers are 90% men.
“resplendent with ornate gargoyles” – I would not choose the work resplendent
“glowing with light blue auras” – auras glow by nature, making “glowing” redundant.
“whose surface had begun to ripple” -awkward
“sand undulated beneath her feet in calm waves” -undulation has to be done with calm waves.
“She smote each sandwich with a clean, diagonal cut…” -love it. being a videogame addict I relate, this goes as far back as dreaming in Mario jumps or Tetris blocks.
“with legs spread apart, arms limp, and buttocks in the air.” -see previous comment about the gender of programmers.
The scenary descriptions get a little think in here, I’m interested, but at the same time, I want the plot to move forward.
“Geraint continued to wield his sword” -omit, a non-action.
“Professor Schoolmarm…flowery cursive” -lol, nice.
Ah the nature of online friendships, short and unfulfilling. Nice ending. I liked the story.
boniface11 reviewed Version 2 -
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You have good grammar skills and a strong vocabulary.
I see a definite ending here, too. Not all short stories have to have a man riding off into the sunset ending or something like that. They can end with anything you want, so I think what you have done is fine.
However, I do not see how it connects to < 3, other than they are both about people obsessed with computer games. If you are making a collection of short stories, what is the overall theme going to be? How are they going to all connect other than being about computer games and people’s obsession with them?
On page nine, take out the Paragraph beginning with “Today we will be looking at…” Its not needed.
And although you do have a definite ending, I still don’t know where you are going with your story. Nothing is really happening, just a girl obsessed with computer games.
I want to read a piece of your fantasy novel.
burnvictim reviewed Version 2 -
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“Elise moved her wireless optical mouse to reveal her desktop wallpaper”
You are telling us this is why she moved the mouse. Is that why she did it? Or is this just a byproduct?
“Elise followed the faerie’s downward gaze”
Again, did she actually follow the gaze that led her to click, or was her intention to click on the icon all along?
“slanted eyes”
Isn’t this usually considered derogatory?
“The screen went dark again as the loading symbol of a blinking eye appeared in the lower right of the screen.”
I think you are focusing too much on the technical details here. It is almost as if you are recording business for a screenplay. Is it important that I visualize the screen going dark and then the loading symbol? Be careful to focus on pertinent details, not ones that will distract from the plot.
“resplendent with ornate”
Using fancy words to say ‘fancy’. Also ‘resplendent’ refers to things brilliantly shining. Is that the word you want?
“undulated… in calm waves”
Redundant.
“Vince smiled as he walked toward the dish room.”
Be sure you are precise on the timing of your actions. Did he smile as he walked (and I presume that would be away from Elise, so how does she see this?), or did he smile at her and THEN walk toward the dish room?
The story picks up a lot the second times she starts playing the game. I’m finally engaged!
“mandible”
In the singular this would be a jaw bone, like humans or dogs have. ’Mandibles’ refers to the mouth pieces of arthropods.
“monotonic”
Reserve this for math, and ‘monotonous’ for sound.
“As she spoke, Professor Schoolmarm frequently closed her eyes in rapturous
adoration of her own lecture material.”
Great description and funny!
The ending seems too abrupt to me. It was very clear, once I looked up Porphyria. It has medical and literary overtones, but neither were known to me (and I’m guessing not others who reviewed your story.) My recommendation for how to make this clearer: have that being discussed in a class at school.
Nice draft, but it needs some refinement. Hope these suggestions help. Good luck!
l13dj13 reviewed Version 2 -
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k, yeah, i can see why people would think its not finished, but it is a brilliant ending still. i must confess i was well confused in the begining, you started with a normal font and then moved into italics as she moved into the game world, but then you didnt move back again when you re entered the real world… but then later on as the two worlds merged into one i can see why you did that… would it not make more sense to keep it all italics or all normal though?
i love the story though, for i personly know what its like to escape into a fantasy game world.
thank you for sharing it with me, was lush
ganymede56 reviewed Version 2 -
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This is such a fun little story. I liked how the story was written to draw people into the digital drama, just as the people who play these online games are. Whether you intended it to be or not, it’s a great commentary on how people lead online lives and have online relationships, and often feel a sense of disappointment when it ends.
The symbolism of the Prophyria’s Rose was an excellent element in this story, but could be stronger. Does the fact that it’s the cheapest of the “rare” flowers have any significance? If so, is there a way you could play that up. I loved how it was incorporated into the professors lecture and her daydreaming. It gives you a real sense of her new found infatuation with someone she doesn’t know. But I guess I’m not clear on the ending. Is she disappointed at the cost? Is it symbolic of what she really meant to Geraint?
I’m wondering if there’s a way to parallel her experience in this online drama with something she may be experiencing in real life. Perhaps a bad relationship or her experience as a loner? There has to be a way to make this digital drama have some significance to reality. Why is she seeking this online escape?
Overall, I enjoyed the read and you have some really nice writing and description here. Good work!
cursorblock reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked this. You are very good with your descriptions in this and I can see a lot of thought in this. I like the perseption of reality in this. It jumps between worlds sporadically until they are basically fused into what is this girls true reality. Very clever in that regard.
As for the ending, I am guessing that she has become so caught up in this new world that it has affected her emotionally. Even though the enviornment isn’t real, the relationships are and those are what transend reality like Porphyria’s Rose. That’s just my take on it but I may be wrong.
Just a few minor things I noticed:
- she stepped forward towards the mirror
forward isn’t needed here.
- main gate to the city, Sapphyra
comma needed.
- in rapturous adoration of her own lecture material
Great line! I love the sense of humor you have sprinkled throughout this.
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