Thanks for your constructive criticism, I appreciate all the suggestions and will take them in to consideration.
Young Adult / SOLO Chapter 1 (Analysis)
PRELOGUE
Sitting in the living room, I couldn’t think of a good reason my parents felt the need to call a family meeting. The only thing that came to mind was me getting home thirty minutes past curfew the night before, but that had a legitimate explanation. One of the tires on my birthday present was flat, and one of my friends changed it. The donut tire was my proof.
So here I sat, in the middle of the couch, waiting for a lecture on tardiness. My parents entered the room each taking a seat in opposite recliners. Their facial expressions weren’t mad --- more like worried. This, in turn, made me feel anxious for the news.
My dad looked at me with sorrow in his eyes, and my first thought was someone had died. “Honey, I’m deploying overseas in a few weeks, and I will be gone for a year.”
This threw me for a loop, it would be the first time my dad has ever been away from us for a year. In my sixteen years, I couldn’t remember any length of time, more than a month here and there, for field training or some other military obligation. We always moved together as a family and this news was hard to take.
My heart sank. My eyes stung. I turned my attention on my mom, who was sitting there with watery eyes as grief rolled over her face from hearing the news spoken out loud. The lump in my throat slowly eased its way up as I forced out a chopped up response. “It will be okay Mom. I’ll be here with you.” I looked over at my dad trying to focus on one of the many questions racing through my mind. The words wouldn’t come together. Finally able to collect one thought, I muttered, “How long have you known about this?”
“Only a week or so, my name was on the list as an alternate. We knew it was a possibility, but your mom and I decided not to tell you just in case nothing came of it.”
I could see my mom’s tears trickle down her cheeks as she muttered the words “There’s more news honey.”
I looked at her dumbfounded. What else could possibly be worse than my dad leaving us for a year?
My mom glanced over at my dad, he nodded as if he was encouraging her to continue, and they sorrowfully looked back at me. My heart was racing. Please don’t say divorce or separation, I thought, please don’t say anything remotely like that. My sweaty hands clinched together between my knees anticipating what words were about to come out of my mom’s mouth.
“Your dad and I have thought about this long and hard,” she paused. “We both feel it would be best if you and I move in with Grandma and Grandpa for this year. The plans are set in motion and we will be leaving in a month.”
I froze, going completely numb, sitting there in disbelief. Nothing prepared me for that. The words echoed in my hollow head. I stood up, robotically walked over to the bookshelf, grabbed the ‘M’ volume of our encyclopedia collection and swiftly whacked myself as hard as I could in the head. The intense pain and dizziness set in, I couldn’t believe I didn’t wake up from this nightmare. It was real, my parents were making me move, and before the end of school.
Rubbing my head to relieve the pain, I turned back to see the horrified expressions on my parents faces as they stood in shock of my actions.
“Eliana, please, honey, say something,” my dad pleaded.
I shook my head as I started to gather my thoughts. “Why can’t we just stay here for the year? Why are you ripping me out of school with only a few months to go? Did you take my feelings into consideration when you made this rash decision?”
My mom burst into tears as she started to explain, “Eliana, it’s going to be a long year, I would like some extra support and I will get that from my parents. I know it will be hard at first, but I think you will be really happy in Oregon.”
I could feel my blood start to boil as the anger set in. I knew that I had no choice in the matter. Before I knew it, I was screaming. “For sixteen years I’ve never once complained about being uprooted every time I got comfortable in a place. I never complained about not having a home of our own, always settling for the housing provided by the military. This is the first place that has ever felt like home. I truly love it here in California!”
The room started to spin. I wasn’t sure, if it was a mild concussion or if I was just exhausted from all the anger and pain. I found myself on my knees buckled over on the floor weeping.
“Honey, it’s only for a year. There’s a chance your dad will get orders to come back here,” my mom said, trying to give me a little slice of hope.
I threw both my parent a cold fierce glare with nothing else to say. I pulled myself up off the floor and silently walked out of the living room.
1. GOODBYE
I reluctantly loaded the last bulky box into my already crammed trunk, and then turned to observe my haggard mom close the back of the moving trailer that held all our personal possessions. Then I focused my attention on my friends standing on the sidewalk. Their gloomy faces hung low as if they were paying their last respects at a funeral. I took a deep breath and a long drawn out sigh, trying to collect my emotions before I walked over to them. My eyes stung as I forced the tears back, knowing if I blinked, they would start rolling down my cheeks. I still couldn’t believe in less than an hour I could no longer consider this place home.
Slowly stepping up to the curb, I stared at my two best friends. There were no words exchanged in fear that one of us would crack and the river of tears would turn into a waterfall of emotions. So with a silent consensus we all stood there sulking.
Finally, my sympathetic mother causally walked over. “Come on girls. Don’t be so down. It’s not the end of the world. Summer will be here before you know it, then you can visit each other.”
I unconsciously shot her a piercing glare and turned back to my grief-stricken friends. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”
“Eliana, don’t say goodbye, just say see you later.” Kelly’s voice cracked as she muttered the words still looking down at the ground.
“Okay, see you guys later.” I whispered, afraid to speak any louder. “I’ll give you a call when I get to my grandparents’ house.”
Mom made the final walk up the steps to lock the door. “Eliana, do you have everything out of the house?”
“Yeah, I got the last of it.”
She locked the door and walked back over to us. “Honey, I hate to break up this farewell, but we really need to get on the road,” Mom said remorsefully as she wrapped her arms around my friends to console them. “Shelby. Kelly. We expect you to come visit us in Oregon this summer.”
“Alright, give us a minute.” I impulsively snapped. I knew it wasn’t my mom’s fault we had to move, but I needed to release my anger on someone, and my dad had already gone overseas. Once again, the military had abruptly thrown my life into turmoil.
I gave my friends a lasting embrace, afraid of letting go because, dreadfully, I knew I would have to leave.
“E-mail or call me everyday,” Kelly demanded, as her tears escaped, slowly trickling down her rosy cheeks.
“Yeah, me too,” Shelby added, using her sleeves to wipe her swollen eyes.
My composure finally cracked causing me to start sobbing. “I promise, but you two have to keep me posted on every little thing that goes on here.”
"Okay, we promise," They both tried to force a grin.
I gave them both a final squeeze and slowly walked to my car. I didn’t want to admit it, but I knew from experience, that no matter how much we promised each other we would keep in touch, we would ultimately drift apart. Many different reasons came to mind. Our lives change, we move and lose contact, new friends would take priority, and the list goes on. I could only hope that in the end, someday down the road, our lives would intertwine once again.
I turned and waved as I got into my car, then honked my horn to let my mom know I was ready. Staring at the back of the moving trailer, I knew I would be loathing this yellow thing by the time our so-called journey ended.
As we started down the street, I glanced in the rearview mirror weeping. My friends were standing with their arms around each other bawling. It never gets easier, I thought.
I looked up at the warm California sky. It didn't fit my depressed state of mind. The sky should have been cloudy and wet. The sun beating down was just a slap in the face, reminding me of what I was leaving behind to move to the mountains of Oregon. I couldn’t imagine anything better than the blissful warm skies that I’d grown accustomed to and loved.
Now, I was unhappily on my way to Myrtle Creek, Oregon, the small town where both my parents grew up. The worst part, of course, was that we were moving in with my grandparents for the year. I barely knew my grandparents, but what I did know I didn't really like. My gramps was a quiet old man that didn't say very much. It was probably because my very opinionated grandmother said enough for both of them. She wasn’t your typical grandma that had fresh baked cookies or pies sitting on the windowsill, she was more like a warden. I was dreading moving there.
We stopped at the gas station before we hit the highway to fill up and get some munchies for the road. Mom joined me inside the Quick Mart to pay.
“Okay, I put the map with the route highlighted on your passenger seat. Make sure you have your car charger for your phone. If we get separated, pull over and call me,” Mom explained.
“I got it. We have gone over this a hundred times already.”
I knew Mom could tell I was getting annoyed. She put her arm around my shoulder. “Honey, I know you’re still upset, but look at this as an adventure. It will make the trip a lot faster.”
“You get ripped out of your sophomore year, away from all your friends to move to a hillbilly town, and then tell me not to be upset,” I spouted.
I could hear my mom sigh. “I'm glad we'll be in separate cars for this trip.”
“Yeah, me too,” I snapped as I bolted out the door to my car.
We pulled out of the gas station and headed towards the highway. As I passed my favorite places, I said my sad farewells. The first and most important was the dance studio I attended, the mall where I planned to get a job this summer, the restaurant that I went to after school with my friends, the dance academy I planned on attending after high school, the gym where I practiced gymnastics, and the park where I used to run. The list kept going on and on and so did the tears running down my face.
I remember the wretched day my parents sat me down and informed me that my dad would deploy overseas for a year. I was completely devastated. However, when they continued to explain that I would be moving before the end of the school year, I went into hysterics.
I honestly don’t have any memories of the two days after the news. They told me, I went completely nuts, lashing out every time my parents spoke to me. I didn't talk to my parents for a week. It was only when I realized that I wouldn’t see my dad for a year that I decided to make the best of the time I had with him. I didn't want my dad to leave thinking I hated him. It took some time, but I finally came to terms with moving.
The last two weeks were hard, I had to pack and decide what would go in storage for a year and what I would take. For the past three years, I lived in warm weather year-round. I couldn’t remember what a real winter felt like. Now I would be living near farms and mountains and I wasn‘t sure what to expect.
I kept right behind my mother as we made our way north. The further we got the greener things started to look. The trip seemed to be endless.
When we stopped for lunch, Mom broke more awful news to me. “I talked to Grandma earlier. It seems the kids there were on spring break last week.”
“Um, did I hear you right?” My eyes narrowed and I tried to stay calm so I wouldn’t embarrass my mom or myself in this public place. “Our spring break starts next week.”
“I know honey.”
“So, I'm being cheated out of a spring break on top of everything else.” I put my head down on the cold hard table. I’m sure I got a little salad dressing in my hair, but that was the least of my problems. “I must have done something horrible in a past life.”
“School ends a week earlier in Myrtle Creek, so that should make up for it,” Mom said trying to cheer me up.
If something could go wrong, it usually happened to me. I sat at the table eating my food while I stared off into space. “Sixteen should be one of the best years of a girl's life, but mine has turned out to be the worst.”
“Don't worry, I'm sure you will make friends fast, you have a great personality.”
I rolled my eyes in disgust, “I don't plan on making friends. I’m only going to be there a year. I plan to fly solo. Why put myself through this misery again?”
“You are upset right now; things might change when you start school.”
We finished our lunch and got back on the highway. I selected one of my upbeat mixed CD’s to listen to so I could pull myself out of this depressed state. The sadness kept creeping up, so I figured the music would distract my tears from forming.
The tempo seemed to be doing a great job keeping me in good spirits. I started to think that maybe Mom was right. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe I would make some great friends. Maybe this place would have a dance studio I could join next year.
Oh no, I thought, here comes the tears again. I was extremely torn up that I would be missing my end of year recital. I had worked so hard on my solo; it was the best one yet. I came up with the choreography myself. Now, with the yearlong sentence that was inflicted on me, no one would get to see it.
The afternoon went by in a flash. By the time we stopped for dinner, we were already in Redding, a town in northern California about two hours from the Oregon border.
“I think we should find a hotel here,” my mom continued to explain, “We will be in mountains for the rest of the trip. I don’t want to pull that moving trailer, in the dark, in mountains I’m not familiar with.”
“That’s fine with me. I’m tired of driving anyway.”
“Wow, you don’t hear that from a sixteen year old very often.” Mom teased.
Her comment made me smirk.
“Ah, do I see a smile?”
The server came over, interrupting my mom’s dismal attempt to pull me out of my slump, to take our order.
“I’ll have a Chicken Caesar Salad and sweet tea,” I said as I scanned the menu.
“And I’ll have the Chef Salad and a sweet tea also.” Mom added.
Too exhausted to talk, we just peered out the window. After dinner, I followed my mom to the nearest hotel. The bed and shower were beckoning to us as we entered the tiny room. I grimaced at the sight of the stained comforters that covered the double beds. Thankfully the sheets underneath weren’t in the same revolting condition.
“We need to get to bed soon so we can get an early start tomorrow.” Mom muttered as we crawled into our long awaited beds.
“That’s not a problem, I’m sure I’ll be out as soon as my head hits the pillow.”
I grabbed my cell phone and sent a quick text to both Shelby and Kelly, telling them that I had stopped for the night and I would call the next day when I got to my grandparents.
I asked Mom about Myrtle Creek. I had only been there three times in sixteen years. The last time was four years earlier for a funeral. I didn’t really remember it.
“Honey, I really think you will eventually love it there. You’re like your dad, you love the outdoors and there are tons of outdoor activities,” Mom explained. “The mountains surround Myrtle Creek and there are a few rivers nearby. The town isn’t as big as you are used to, but there are bigger towns and a few cities just over an hour away.”
I closed my eyes trying to remember, but it was vague.
“Don’t worry, you will see what I’m talking about tomorrow afternoon, when we get there,” Mom added.
“Okay,” I yawned then turned over and went to sleep.
Before I knew it, the alarm was buzzing. Mom got out of bed first. “It’s time to get up. We need to get going soon.”
“I’m up, just not awake,” I groaned. “Does that count?”
“Funny. At least you’re in good spirits today,” Mom smiled.
“Seriously, can’t I sleep for one more hour?” I covered my face with the pillow.
“No, I want to be there by the afternoon.” She pulled the pillow off my face. “Just think, the faster we get there, the faster you can relax in your new room.”
“Oh joy. I’d rather be relaxing in my old room,” I muttered, slowly sitting up.
“That’s not an option honey.” She went into the bathroom to get ready.
I sighed. “Yeah, I know.”
We went down to the lobby for the free continental breakfast, getting muffins, juice and coffee to take on the road.
“Okay, we will be on I-5 until we get to Myrtle Creek, so it should be an easy day. When we get closer, I’ll stop and explain the rest of the route to the house.” Mom explained as we walked to our vehicles.
“Okay, I’ll be right behind you,” I said while stretching before getting into my car.
“Remember, we will be in the mountains most of the day, so be careful around the curves,” she stressed.
“Okay Mom, seriously, I get it.” I was getting extremely annoyed.
“You haven’t driven in mountains like these before.”
“Yeah, but I’ve been on a road with curves before. I can stay between the lines.” I said sarcastically.
“Just be careful,” she demanded.
“Fine, let’s go.”
We got back onto I-5 and headed north. The drive was so stunning. I couldn’t get over some of the views. Mt. Shasta blew my mind. We were so high in elevation; I felt like I could reach out my window and touch the low-hanging clouds that looked like cotton balls. If we weren’t on my mom’s deadline, I would have stopped and taken some pictures.
I was shocked how close the enormous semi trucks were when they flew by. Now I knew what Mom was talking about. I was glad my little Volkswagen bug was small and didn‘t stick out too far. If it were any wider, it would have been flat as a pancake on front of the semi in the other lane. This was the one time I was glad to be going at my mom’s snail like pace.
I was so caught up in the phenomenal scenery; the morning flew by. We were near Medford when Mom turned on her blinker to signal she was exiting at a rest area. I pulled up next to her in the parking lot, and got out.
“Okay, we should be there in about an hour and a half.” She had the map on the hood of her SUV with her finger pointing to where we were. “We go through Medford, then Grants Pass. Keep going north to exit number 108. Watch for the signs for Myrtle Creek. We will be going through there when school is getting out, so be careful. I know how some of you teens drive.” she joked.
I had to give her credit for trying, so I let out a little chuckle.
She continued. “Once we get off the exit, we stay on that road until we get to Grandma and Grandpas.”
“Woohoo.” I rolled my eyes and got back in my car.
I followed my mother through Medford and on through Grants Pass. I figured this was where I would be doing the majority of my shopping. The time seemed to pass quickly as we drove north. We were surrounded by mountains covered in pine trees.
I saw the trailer brakes get bright and the signal go on as Mom veered towards the exit. Then I caught a glimpse of a small sign saying Welcome to Myrtle Creek as we came off the exit. But, where was everything? I didn’t realize that Myrtle Creek was so small. I think I missed most of the town when I blinked. I’m going to be in seclusion here, I thought as I cased the town. I was already going through withdrawals when all I saw were a few houses here and there, a general store, gas station, a few restaurants, and a bowling alley. Where was the mall, movie theater, the miniature golf, amusement parks, water park or the beach?
My slight panic attack was interrupted when I saw the blinker again. Mom turned onto a road that seemed to lead us in the direction of the mountains. About ten minutes later we were turning into the driveway. I started to remember being here after I saw the white farmhouse.
I assumed Mom had called my grandparent’s to tell them we were near because they were sitting on the porch. My grandmother stood at the top of the stairs waiting for us to get out of the cars. Gramps, on the other hand, made his way down the steps heading toward my mom.
“Hi, Dad.” I could see the joy in my mom’s face.
“How was your trip up, young lady?” he asked.
“It was fine. Eliana did great for her first long road trip.” she replied.
He turned to see me standing by my car, and walked over with his arms out. “Come here Munchkin.”
I smiled and gave him a hug. “Hi, Gramps. I missed you.” I actually did miss him. I started to remember how he used to make me laugh. Mom always told me that I inherited my sense of humor from him. I figured I would humor my mom. So I walked up the stairs to say hello to my grandmother.
“Hello, Eliana.” she said giving me an awkward hug.
“Hi, Grandma. Thanks for taking us in.” I said sarcastically trying to break the ice.
“You’re welcome.” she replied with a serious tone.
My mom walked up to relieve me. “Hi Mom.”
“Hello honey. I have your rooms ready. I put Eliana in your old room; you are in the room across from her just in case.”
I looked away to roll my eyes. I could tell she didn’t trust me. What did just in case mean? I couldn’t figure it out. Was it just in case I got scared in the middle of the night, or just in case I tried to sneak out? I knew it was going to be a long year.
We got some of our bags and headed up the stairs to our rooms. I couldn’t believe the tiny room where I was staying. It was like walking into a princess palace. It still had the frilly pink walls and purple trim with little castles on it. The wooden shelf over the desk had a long row of old porcelain dolls. If anything were going to scare me, it would be all those beady eyes staring at me. I was standing there flabbergasted when Mom walked in. She could tell that I was extremely unhappy about my room’s décor.
“Honey, we will fix it later. Just start unloading your car.”
“You’re lucky I love you,” I whispered as I walked down the stairs.
We spent the rest of the day unloading our belongings. By the time we finished, the rental company where we needed to return the rental trailer had closed. I told my mom I would go with her the next day to return it. She was fine with the idea, because she wanted to enroll me in school. I was relieved when she told me she wouldn’t make me start until Wednesday. That would give me one more day to unpack and organize my things a little more.
After dinner, I started to unpack trying to get the room to feel more like me. The first thing on my agenda was to turn all the dolls around so I wouldn’t have to see their creepy faces. Maybe my grandmother would get the hint and remove them. I put up a few posters from my old room and the bulletin board my friends made for me to remember all of them. It had tons of pictures of us from school dances, activities, trips to the beach, and other fun memories. I loved looking at it, which reminded me to send them a text. I wanted to call them, but getting the mountain of clothes on my bed put away was my priority.
I didn’t feel like I had accomplished anything when Mom came in.
“Honey, you should get some sleep --- I know you got up early today.”
“I will get to bed when I can see it,” I joked.
She just smiled. I noticed her do a double take when she saw the dolls.
“What?” I said even though I knew exactly what she was looking at.
“Nothing.” She shook her head and walked out.
I worked for another hour and then crashed on the bed still in my clothes. The next thing I remember was my mom nudging me, “Come on Eliana, we’ve got to get the trailer back soon. I don’t want to pay for another day.”
I stumbled to my feet and walked into the hallway trying to remember where the bathroom was. I took a shower to wash the day old funk off and quickly got dressed. I didn’t want to mess with my untamed mane, so I pulled it through the back of my baseball cap. Then put on some lip gloss and went downstairs.
“Okay, I’m ready when you are,” I said.
“Alright, we also need to run to the larger supermarket in Roseburg to get some extra groceries.” she explained.
“That’s fine; I could use some Pepto-Bismol. There are a few spots on my walls that need to be touched up.” I joked.
My grandmother looked at me as if I was speaking another language. She didn’t seem to handle sarcasm very well.
“Where is Gramps this morning?” I asked trying to change the subject.
“He reads the newspaper in his chair every morning in the living room,” my grandmother replied.
“Oh, I’ll run in to say good morning before we go.” I headed towards the living room. Mom quickly stopped me before I made it through the kitchen door.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. He reads it in his pajamas. And when I say pajamas I mean boxers.”
“Oh.” My eyes got wide. “Thanks for the warning.”
Mental note: Don’t talk to Gramps until I get home from school.
“Besides, I’m ready to go,” my mom added.
We stopped by the South Umpqua High School to get me registered before we headed up to Roseburg. It was smaller than I expected. I was relieved when we got there in the middle of first period; there was no one in the halls.
The office was empty other than the woman behind the counter. She handed Mom a packet of papers to fill out and asked if I wanted a tour of the school while my mom enrolled me. I wanted to decline, but Mom insisted. I heard the secretary page the library to see if anyone in study hall was willing to give me a quick tour. A few moments later a tall brawny guy entered the office. He looked like he played sports.
“Eliana, this is Sammy Alvarez. He will take you around the school,” the secretary explained. “A quick tour Sammy.”
“Yes ma’am,” he replied with a mischievous smirk.
I looked over at my mom. She could obviously tell I was upset. I was glad I had my cap on to cover my dark circles.
“So, it’s Eliana right?” Sammy asked as he opened the office door.
“Yeah.” I replied.
“Eliana, hmm, that’s different. --- Is it a family name?” he asked.
“No, --- it’s the name of a hotel. Well, actually a villa in Italy.” I replied.
“Oh, um, wow --- I guess there’s no explanation needed.” he cheeks turned pink. I knew he didn’t see that one coming. “Where did you move from?” he continued with a safer question.
“California.”
“Well, welcome to South Umpqua, home of the Lancers,” he smiled as we started down the hall. He explained how the areas were divided by grade. “What grade are you in?”
“I’m a sophomore.”
“Your locker will be somewhere down this hall.” He continued to show me the library, cafeteria, the courtyard and the gym. “Well, that about does it, do you have any questions?”
“Not really, I’m sure I can figure it out.”
“Is today your first day?” he asked as we headed back to the office.
“No, I will be starting tomorrow.”
“Well, good luck. If you need any help I’m usually around here somewhere,” he smiled as he pulled the office door open.
“Thanks, I think I can handle this school. It’s about half the size of my last school.”
Mom was done with the paperwork and waiting for me when we got back.
“Thank you for the tour, Sammy.”
“Oh, no problem, anything to get out of the library.” he smirked as he headed out the door. “See you around.”
I nodded my head and turned back to my mom. The secretary told me I was all set and to stop by in the morning for my schedule.
When we left, I started to get nervous about starting school as I glanced in some of the classrooms. I tried to convince Mom to let me skip this week because I didn’t get a spring break, but it didn’t work. She told me it was too late, because I was already enrolled.
On our way up to Roseburg Mom gave me a little lecture about respecting old people. She knew I was trying to be funny with the whole Pepto-Bismol thing, but my grandmother took offense to it. She reminded me that my grandmother was behind the times, and still thought of her as a kid. She is out of practice on how to deal with a teenager. I told her I would try to keep my humor to myself around my grandmother. Only one year I reminded myself.
We quickly returned the trailer, and made our way to the supermarket.
Mom tried to cheer me up by letting me pick out any cereal I wanted. Of course I chose Lucky Charms; there wasn’t another cereal that could compare.
It seemed like every aisle we turned down, there was someone that knew my mom when she was younger, or my grandparents. My cheeks were throbbing from all the little old ladies in my grandmother’s bridge club. I didn’t know there were gangs of grannies that case the supermarkets looking for prey. My poor mom must have looked at hundreds of pictures of their children and grandchildren. I just stood back trying to blend in with the shelves. Finally she had to resort to lying; she told them she had to hurry because we still needed to get me registered for school. I looked at her and shook my head.
When we entered the produce department, I went straight for the peaches. My mom gathered a variety of fresh vegetables.
“Sophie Young is that you?” a woman asked as she walked up to my mother.
“Well, it’s Davis now, but yes.” Mom replied. “Carrie Carter?”
“Well, it’s Andrews now, but yes,” she laughed. “I heard you might be moving back. Are you staying with your parents?”
“Yes, while Chris is overseas. He will be home in a year,” my mom replied.
“I still can’t believe you came home. It’s been so long.” Carrie replied. “Now you have a daughter right?”
“Yes, she’s the one digging in the peaches.” she smiled as she pointed over in my direction.
I just smiled with a small awkward wave.
“Oh, she is so cute. She looks just like you,” Carrie continued, “Can you believe we are old enough to have teenagers? I’ve got two, a seventeen year old son and a thirteen year old daughter.”
I walked over to put my peaches in the cart, then stood there quietly listening to Mom and Carrie reminisce about their younger years. They looked like giddy teenagers as they laughed about inside jokes that only took one word to describe.
“Eliana, Carrie is my best friend from high school,” my mom explained.
“We sure had some good times,” Carrie added with an ear-to-ear grin.
“So, which Andrews’ boy did you marry?” she asked.
Carrie looked at my mom and hesitated. “I married Michael.”
Mom’s facial expression quickly changed. “Wow, that’s great.”
I could tell when my mom lied, and all I can say is ‘liar, liar pants on fire’. She obviously didn’t like the fact that Carrie married this Michael, but I had no idea why. The atmosphere completely changed. Carrie got quiet; it was obvious she was trying to think of something to say.
Carrie finally broke the silence. “Well, I’m the veterinarian in Myrtle Creek now. My schedule is flexible. I would love to get together for lunch sometime. I have really missed you.”
“Yeah, that sounds good. Eliana starts school tomorrow, and then I’m free.” Mom replied. “I do freelance photography, my schedule is completely open right now.”
My mom reached over and gave Carrie a hug. “It was really good to see you. You know where I’m staying, so don’t be a stranger.”
“The same to you, we live on the Andrews farm down the road from your parents. Here is my number.” Carrie shuffled through her purse for a piece of paper to write on.
“Great, I’ll call you.” my mom replied.
Carrie smiled and walked around the corner. Mom went back to shopping for produce. I walked beside her, hoping she would spill the beans. She just walked as if the conversation never happened.
“Do you want any plums?” she asked.
Um, we could get a few.” I replied confused. “So that conversation got a little awkward.” I tried to get on the subject. “Who’s Michael Andrews?”
“Oh, just a guy from high school.” she replied.
“That’s all you’re going to give me?”
“Yeah, it’s not a big deal.”
“Not a big deal? Were you in the same conversation back there? You didn’t seem too thrilled when you heard his name,” I blurted out.
“It was a long time ago. It just threw me off when she said his name,” she continued to explain. “He was your dad’s best friend, they had a falling out and that’s pretty much it. Like I said, ‘it’s not a big deal.’.”
I didn’t really believe her, but I figured I would drop the subject. If she was trying to avoid talking about Michael Andrews, it must be something she didn’t want to remember.
We finished our grocery shopping and made our way back to Myrtle Creek. When we got back to my grandparents’ house, we unpacked the groceries then finished unpacking the few boxes we had left from the move. Other than the pink walls, and the dolls, the room started to look more like me.
I got my clothes set out and packed my backpack making sure I had my IPOD. I didn’t go anywhere without it. My mind was so jumbled with thoughts. I kept thinking about starting school with no friends again, which made me start to hate being a military brat a little more. I couldn’t help but wonder how long it’s been since this school had a new kid. It had to be years. I was getting depressed when I realized that I knew a total of three people in the entire town, my grandparents and mom.
I put on my pajamas, yelled goodnight to everyone, and climbed between the sheets. I gazed at the pictures of all my friends, wishing they were here with me. It would make my first day so much easier. I reminded myself that I just had to make it a few months, and then summer would be here. I would be able to go see my friends, and they could come see me.
As I tried to doze off, my phone started to jingle. I instantly jumped to my feet and ran for my charger. I was excited to see a text from Kelly. It read, ‘GOOD LUCK TOMORROW. I’LL BE THINKING ABOUT YOU. LUV KEL XOXO.’
That made my night. I sent her a quick text back before I crawled back into bed. With all the stressful thoughts running through my mind, Kelly’s text seemed to ease everything away for the time being. It made me feel like I would have a guardian angel with me tomorrow.
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l13dj13 reviewed Version 1 -
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Ol_Uncle_Pedro reviewed Version 1 -
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MoSanchez reviewed Version 1 -
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Xylestrial reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you should capitalize My, (just a think I do…) and Mom/Mother Dad/Father Sister/Brother or Grandmother and GrandFather of any sort, but the story is very descriptive and I love it. I don’t really like Stories that go First-Person view, but I still like it. but darn do I hate Salad Dressing XD
I never knew why some people use ; though… Anything that is like an object, Vase, Table, Car, or a room. Kitchen. Living Room, I think you should capitalize. Wouldn’t matter if you don’t though ^^ you also seem to SOMETIMES capitalize Mom. =P
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jonaustin1481 reviewed Version 1 -
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Hello, I don’t comment on grammar stuff, which seems anyway, but prefer to focus on bigger picture issues and stuff. Also, I am not in your target audience, so take my commentary with a grain of salt.
I stop and write as I read, so here goes:
First up, I don’t know whether it was you intention, but I found myself early on not liking your main character, Eliana. Now, I know teens can be a bit self-absorbed, and you captured that aspect beautifully, but she seemed to TOO quickly brush aside the part about her father being deployed to focus on herself so much so that it went beyond typical teen self focus to callousness. Unless your intent was to actually make her seem unlikable, then you might want to first beef up her worry about ol’ pops headed into harm’s way.
Also, again, don’t know whether where you’re going with this piece, but in places it reads a tad journalistic vs fictional. Here’s an example:
“I reluctantly loaded the last bulky box into my already crammed trunk, and then turned to observe my haggard mom close the back of the moving trailer that held all our personal possessions.”
This is not bad writing by any means, but I’m not “feeling” the character when I read ratatat lists of actions. Make me feel what they feel. Let me try:
I had to sit on the overstuffed trunk to clasp it shut. Rather than move it, I just sat there and sighed. Mom stood waiting at the back of the trailer, looking beaten down. She glanced at me sitting there with my head down, knowing I didn’t want to load the last of my things. She came over, grasped my hand and sat with me.
See the difference? Don’t tell me a bunch of things. SHOW ME.
Here’s another:
“My composure finally cracked causing me to start sobbing.”
This is conclusive writing. By that I mean, you are telling your reader everything you want them to know. It’s a report. Unless this is a journal, show me instead:
I tried to fight it. I squinted my eyes lightly and bit the inside of my lip. I tried focusing on the tree swaying briskly in the distance. But when my shoulders started to shudder, I knew I wouldn’t win that battle. My welling eyes burst into sobs . . .
Anyway, that’s not that great, but just some quick crap that came into my head, but hopefully, you get the idea.
Your writing, in my opinion, is quite good, nice pacing and flow. It just needs to pack a little wallop and you do that by showing instead of telling. I can only assume that at least this part is supposed to be somber and heartfelt, if so, then jerk a few tears here and there, it’ll make ‘em turn the pages.
I’ll stop there cuz I don’t want to burn up your credits. It really does have a lot of potential, don’t worry about grammar at this point, focus on your wallop factor.
hope this helps, happy to look at more . . .
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay so far this starts off like most move to a new town stories. It was cool that you took us on the actually roadtrip instead of skimmng past it. All the characters are neat even though they lack physical description but no biggie. My interest will really depend on the over all plot originality. You have the writing down pack. But as I mentioned it’s following the new town routine so far.
RavenJake reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the feel of this and the overall storytelling is effective as it makes you want to read on. The situations are believable and most readers will have something to compare the situation with, or at least relate to it. Tightening and focusing the conflicts will make this even more of a page turner. There are some opportunities for unusual personality traits to be inserted with Eliana’s reaction to the initial news. There are a few spots where comedy is utilized and the rest addresses the sadness of the situation. Embracing the duel comedic reaction will give the story and the character more personality.
Here are some critical notes I took while reading, hope they help:
(I couldn’t think of a good reason my parents felt the need to call)
“I couldn’t think of a good reason for my parents to…” The phrase “my parents felt the need to” is clunky and a tense disagreement.
(that had a legitimate explanation)
“I had come home thirty minutes past curfew the night before, but that was too minor.” Something to this effect would be more in keeping with your opening sentence and would lead the reader along the same path of questioning what the meeting is about.
(So here I sat, in)
“So here” isn’t functional, cut it and remove the comma.
(My parents…opposite recliners.)
“My parents entered and sat down in opposite recliners.” Something like this would remove the passive.
(This, in turn, made me feel anxious for the news.)
This is a telling sentence. Rather than say the situation made him anxious, show an action such as the character rubbing his hands together or shifting in his seat to show the anxiety.
(this news was hard to take.)
Another telling statement. Use character actions to convey this internal sentiment.
(who was sitting)
Was sitting is passive. ”Who sat” would work.
(looked at me with sorrow in his eyes) (as grief rolled over her face)
More telling phrases. I don’t know what this looks like. Don’t explicitly mention the emotions, just describe their faces in a way that conveys “grief-stricken.”
(I could see my mom’s tears)
If the character describes them, they can obviously see them, so the phrase “I could see” is redundant.
(‘M’ volume)
Funny factoid, I like it.
(I didn’t wake up from this nightmare)
Without “from this nightmare” the sentence has the same effect, and would be a quirky contemplation. The reader already knows that the situation is negative, so you should even play more on the comical and dismal numbness that the character expresses.
(as I started to gather)
Save “started to” and “began to” for instances when the action in interrupted as it’s passive in most other cases.
(blood start to boil as the anger set in)
“As the anger set in” is unnecessary, just go with your action in these situations.
(trunk, and then)
Start a new sentence.
(and the river of tears)
There are too many crying references in a short passage. This situation feels like it could develop Eliana’s unique personality by the manner in which she conveys her grief. Still, mix these up a bit so it doesn’t feel like everyone is continuously crying.
(we would ultimately drift apart.)
Good insight.
(I remember …into hysterics.)
I would hope she remembers what happened in the beginning of the first person story that she’s telling. Remove that perspective. Remove these few sentence. The reader doesn’t need a recap of what they just read.
(Oh no, I thought, here comes the tears again.)
Did they ever stop? Remove the perspective- I thought, I remembered, I felt unless absolutely necessary.
(my mom continued to explain)
I don’t understand this interjection.
(and sweet tea)
Was this before or after they laughed in your face? My logical deduction is that the author is from the South. Your going to be in for a disappointment if you drive through California and order a “sweet tea.”
(getting muffins)
Unless this is a type of muffin, remove “getting.”
(I was getting extremely annoyed.)
Was getting- find these passives and destroy them.
(“Come here Munchkin.” I smiled and gave him a hug)
He’s seeming to be more friendly that the initial description of him led on, which isn’t a bad thing just an observation.
The actions as they’re moving in need to be tightened up. For a while it seems like a list of things happening rather than a forward moving plot. Capturing the exhaustion of moving in within a concise section would be beneficial.
(my mom added. We stopped by the South Umpqua High School)
At this point you need to elaborate on your transition as the reader is jerked forward to the high school. I felt that same way as they were abruptly seated in the restaurant with the “sweet tea.”
Sammy should interject more personality. After he blushes he goes flat a little, but that seems like it would be an opportunity to examine him. If not from his speech then from observations of his physical actions.
(We finished our …from the move.)
Search out these extraneous movements and find a way to convey them in a brief manner if necessary.
CreativeFrog reviewed Version 1 -
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clinched -clenched
“I froze, going completely numb, sitting there in disbelief.”-This would sound better if you broke it into two sentences. Like: “I froze, going completely numb. I just sat there in disbelief.”
“‘it’s not a big deal.’”-You don’t need the extra quotes. You can leave them out.
I have moved so many times in my life, I can relate to some of Eliana’s feelings. I really loved the story. It touched home base with my personal experiences. I didn’t find many things that needed a whole lot of critiquing. Great work!
Is there another chapter? I would LOVE to read it!
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