Donna has a sister, Marleen, who married her high school sweerheart at age 19. Grudge against her parents? Hell yeah. It took years before I felt comfortable around them. I’ll see if I can make that clearer.
Novel Treatments / Chapter 30 Crusus Coming (Analysis)
Chapter 30 Crisis Coming
I vividly remember that day, July 23, 1962. I sat in my chair for maybe an hour reading and rereading that letter. Then I got up, dropped the letter on my desk and walked to the registrar to withdraw from Kent. I next called my parents to tell them I wasn't going to stay at Kent. Dad couldn't come to pick me up until the next day so I went back to my room and read the letter another ten or twelve times. I was cold and numb and very very scared. I didn't have a clue as to what to do or how to respond.
To fill in a few needed details, Donna had started dating a guy named Allen. He was a friend of Gale’s fiancé.. When she and Gale went to the beach on the 4th of July Gale's fiancé had leave so he went too, and, at Gale’[s request, brought Allen. Donna had a good time and after the day at the beach Allen asked her if she'd like to go out sometime and she said yes. Ado Annie strikes again. The first guy to ask her out and she say yes.
I read over the last few letters she had written since she started dating and some things became clearer to me. Her letter of the 9th A Monday, where she said she had tried to write three times and closes with "Joey, I love you. Please don't forget that." I think she had been out with Allen the weekend before and was struggling over how to tell me.
Her frantic letter of the 15th, a Saturday, can be partly explained if I assume she went out with Allen on Friday and ended the evening with something more than just a good night kiss on the cheek. Damn this is hard writing.
I remember I went out to have supper, the first meal I had that day. Across the room in the student union I saw the girl from my class who had asked me out. It went through my mind that I could go out with her now, but I had no interest in doing so. I'm sure she would have gone out with me, but I just had no interest.
I'd decided that I was going to call Donna that evening but I had no idea what I was going to say. She'd asked me, begged me even, to understand, but I wasn't sure what she wanted me to understand. What I knew, knew to the core of my soul, was that I still loved her as much as ever. I also knew that, without a shadow of a doubt, if she didn't come back to Valpo, it was over. There was no way we could stay in love if we were 2400 miles apart and she was dating.
I'll write about that call later. There are several points I need to nail down before getting to it. I said before that her parents were the villains in this story. I still feel that way. I don't think there would have been any problems if they'd been supportive of our engagement, but they weren't. Instead they started on her as soon as she got to California. She had planed to get a job for the summer but they convinced her to go to school at LBS where they took her two days after she got home. That means they had already looked at the school. I imagine they told her they wanted her to stay in California and she should go to school there to see how she liked it. They did this knowing we were engaged and that they were asking her to stay thousands of miles away from me. From her letters I can see that they kept on her about staying in California They offered her a car as a bribe and at the same time told her how expensive Valpo was. They were not a poor family and, in fact, had looked at some very costly eastern schools for Donna before she chose Valpo. The expense argument was strictly a red hearing. One more way to wear her down. I'm also sure they encouraged her to got out and meet some people her own age. I will add that I don't doubt for a minute that they thought they were working in Donna's best interests.
I do wonder what they said and how they reacted when Donna started dating. I wonder what they said to each other when Donna wasn't around too. I wonder what they said to Donna and she to them. I wonder if they knew what they were doing to her. I guess I’ll learn some of the answers when Donna writes her part.
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See, I told you Joe was smart. He came pretty close on what was behind the letters I was writing.
I must admit, once I really accepted that the letter telling Joe what I’d done was in the mail I felt both very relieved and very frightened. Relived because the whole thing was now up to Joe, and frightened for the same reason. I knew Joe well, better than well, I knew him completely. However, in this case, I didn’t know how he would react. I knew he would get the letter Monday the 23rd. I honestly do not remember writing a second letter which he says he got the same day.
The memories of that weekend are coming back to me in surprising detail. On Friday (the 20th) Allen came to supper at my home. Mother had invited him the time he and the others came over to swim. At supper Daddy mentioned he would get tickets to the ball game between the Indians and the Angles and he asked if Allen would like to go. He said yes, so, the next evening Daddy, and Allan and I went to the ball game. I felt strange sitting with Allen at a game I’d promised Joe I would go see.
Monday after school Gale, Jeff, and Allen came over to swim. I was doing my best not to think of Joe, but it wasn’t working. I knew he would get the letter that day. About 5:00 as we were having a good time playing pool volleyball, Mother stepped out onto the pool deck and, “Phone call, It’s Joe.”
The four of us froze for a few seconds. Then I climbed out of the pool, grabbed my towel, and walked inside wrapping the towel around me as I went. When I passed Mother she said, “I can tell him to call later. I was furious with Mother and she could tell it from my eyes. I got to the phone and stood looking at it, afraid to pick it up. I knew that in the next few minutes I would know if Joe and I were going to make it. Frankly, the more I’d thought about it the more convinced I was that I had made too much of a mess of things and hurt Joe too badly for him to stay with me.
I picked up the phone and said “Hello.”
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s cool stepping away from the letter format…wow at her mom, but at the same time…smart move. I could imagine how awkward she would feel when Joe asked what she was doing. It might have been easier for her to lie if Allen and her family weren’t a few feet away from her. I don’t remember why her parents like Allen better or if you’ve really touched on that yet.
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oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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I think the parents wanted their daughter close by. Did you say Donna was an only child? This was probably the reason they were so desperate. I like this excerpt but i am not sure if you hold a grudge against Donna’s parents or not. Can you make this point a little clearer? I feel like i am reliving the love story right a long with you guys. It is a very thoughtful loving piece but some parts are tragic if you consider the ages of the characers. This would be labled non-fiction would it not? Keep writing. I will keep reading. Sandi
katiej reviewed Version 1 -
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“A clue as to what to do”. I would re-word this, it’s muddled and doesn’t sound correct. “I was completely uncertian as to what to do” would sound more clear.
“To fill in a few needed details”. This seems like the character suddenly turned to the camera and started talking to the viewer. I think that this takes the reader out of the writers world and makes them realize they’re only reading and not really a part of the story. You want to avoid this. As writers we want to take the readers fulling into our new world and let them escape from “real life”.
Your details about Allen, Donna, Gale, Gales Fiance…it’s all so confusing! Either you need to write it clearer or you need or you need to write this scene out as a SCENE and not as added details.
Don’t describe the letters as if you’re going through a list with us. Show the character stewing over these letters and show his pain. “I flipped to the letter she had written on the 15th.
You use phrases like “in doing so”, “I assume” and “as to what to do”, which are a higher way of speaking, but then you use words like “didn’t have a clue” or “damn” or “going on a date”, which are more casual. You need to choose one of these ways of speaking and stick with it. Either your character is a cool college kid, or he’s a slick rich kid that “talks smart”.
I feel a connection with the characters. I feel like I’m looking at scenes from far away. There doesn’t seem to be much emotion, and half (or more) of this is because you’re TELLING alot of the story and not SHOWING us. You need to show more in order to get the reader totally into the story.
Keep going!
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